How does one deal With/Accept a Loved one who displays Self-Destructive Tendencies (TSU Bi-Weekly Question)

in #tribesteempup5 years ago (edited)

An interesting question from @tribesteemup, "How does one deal With or Accept a Loved one who displays Self-Destructive Tendencies."

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Our Loved ones are always displaying a variety of behavior patterns, there are times when we can accept some of them gracefully but there are times when some of our loved ones life patterns are completely unacceptable and not for their best, but we need to still deal with it and live with them.

Personally I feel that this has been one of my biggest life lesson. All throughout my life my loved ones have had some or the other self-destructive tendencies which I have been dealing up with them. Like my father had an excessive alcohol and smoking habit, and then there were some with my in-laws and then the heavy smoking habit with my husband.

If our Loved ones have any of such tendencies for sure we do not leave them and my philosophy is to not accept it as well but to give them a helping hand and work towards getting them out of it. I know this is not as simple as said and specially when it comes to our most loved ones, it becomes the most challenging thing to do.


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So what are those few things that we need to understand and do to deal with these situations of life.

Total Acceptance of the person as is:


I feel this is one of the most important one with our Loved ones, Total acceptance. When I say acceptance it does not mean acceptance of the habit but acceptance of the person. If we do not accept our loved ones with all the flaws that they have, then there is a space for bitterness that we start creating and when that happens Compassion starts fading out from the relation. Only when we can accept them in totality can we develop a feeling of compassion for them and then we can work with them on whatever we want to and we will also not give up on them very easily no matter if they change or not.

Do not Accept the situation, but give them a helping hand.


Not everyone operates at the same energy level and hence some need a little more push. For those who are in the capacity of giving this push should do it in the best possible way to lift up their loved ones. For e.g. if your loved one has a smoking habit, which for sure is not a good one and harmful, you should try all possible things to help your loved ones overcome. We need to understand that the self destructive habits that they have may be it started as a fun but then when it becomes a habit for them it is no more a fun but it is an addiction which they have got into and it is difficult for them to release that addiction, hence in such a condition they need your support and not resentment. Many people say I do not think I can change his or her habit, in this case we are accepting the situation and agreeing to it.


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Patience and Persistence


Any change will not happen overnight in a person, If we want to change them we ourselves first need to develop some qualities to deal. The change will ask for many things, may need a constant nagging, may be a little bit of sternness and also being tough on them at times when required and also being sensitive and compassionate at the same time, it is for their good so eventually they will realize this and when the change happens your relation will be at a much higher level. To not give up is the key mantra to deal with your loved ones.


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No one is perfect, we all come with our own defects, to an extent almost everyone has some or the other habit which may not be very good, but then from those there are some which may not bring in much of impact and hence it does not bother much but when the habits start impacting lives then it becomes very important to deal with them and not just accept them. The other key things we need to understand that life is not about suffering, a lot of people conveniently put everything on Karma and accept it, but the whole karma is to deal with these situations and people in the most compassionate way and get them out of it. Everyone is at a different energy level be it in our own family and our own loved ones. The effort needs to be made to raise up those who are at lower energy levels and not abandon them.

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My dad suffer from borderline syndrome, it's hard sometimes to accept someonelse phatolgy especially for a daughter, you always gigure out your parents strong and adult and when you fight against borderlina attitude it's noyìt easy they act like probleatic children with violence, lies and cry if they do not receive the kind of attenction they wanted... It's hard...

That's very true @noemilunastorta, they do start acting like little children when their terms are not fulfilled and it gets very very difficult for the person taking care to deal with, sometimes then we just need to accept the way they are but that's only after trying our best to help them out.

Sometimes it is hopeless to control such lovedones especially the grown-ups where the members of the family can't tell them what they have to do even though what they are telling is good for that self-destructive member of the family.
But there is always a gentle approach to the situation, the family members will just have to really stick to what is good and preach it to every member of the family and even to friends just to prevent things for other family members to get the habit of vice, drug use, etc. @nainaztengra

They are bound to behave that way and show up all the resistance they can, but as you say one needs to stick to what is good for them and help them out in every possible way

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I'm very happy to be able to read patiently, thank you friend, cool writing.😍

I have been in that situation a couple of times and it sure does take a lot of your time and nerves. It puts not just your patience but your love to the test too. We are all only human and have our limits. Luckily, I was able to help before I lost my will to help and everything is fine now. This can be tricky because at some point a person must know when to help and when to walk away. People think that you are not allowed to walk away, that you are a bad person if you do but if the other person starts being destructive towards him and everyone who is surrounding him and nothing helps, it is time to pack the bags. He is choosing to suffer and I am not willing to make that choice myself. As long as a person wants my help, he is going to have it but if he does not, why would I force him and destroy my life too? Thank you for sharing your views on this 💚

Yes my dear, there is a lot of patience that is required. Our loved ones are sometimes the most toxic people in our life and we need to deal with them. I have had to give up on one of my family member because it was just getting hopeless by the day and every effort would backfire on me, so there are times when we then need to just come to acceptance after trying our best help out.

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