Alone on a Mountaintop: Waiting for Sunrise

Che would think I didn't fight enough, and Kerouac would be disappointed at me. They are just a few of those great wanderers of our time who forced me to take a spiritual journey and see what I would learn by the end of this trip.

It was actually easy to hitchhike around Java, people are friendly and curious, who would not want to help a lone woman in a foreign country. I decided to see Mount Bromo for a day and perhaps spend a night somewhere...the thing I was not always sure of during my travel. Where to sleep?

Mount Bromo is an active volcano in the middle of a plain called the "Sea of Sand" in East Java. Bromo or Brahma means the Hindu creator God.

I wanted to see God while I was here.

I'm not all into trekking for days but there are organized trips here which you can take, probably more expensive. I still have a long way to go, many countries ahead of me. During the early stage of my travels, it was hard not to worry about my future. I chose to hire a local guide in a motorbike instead, which is fairly common on this side of the world.

During those grueling hours on a rugged road, there were opportunities to get off and walk around the sea of black sands, to take my time to marvel at this barren land and beautiful landscape along the way. Before it got too late, my guide was able to take me close to the volcano. There is a path that leads up to the crater.

I had my chance to understand this endless beauty of nature around me, even the black dessert called itself as freedom. Yes, I got it, you might just be plains and nothingness to me but you signified a blank world that I was about to color. There stood the majestic volcano and the other mountains as its brothers. I came here to think why during those years here on earth that I just decided to see all of these now. It was not too late.

After taking all those steps up to the top, there was one thing I wouldn't want to miss, a chance to be closer to the crater. You can see it looking alive at this moment, the visible white smoke like clouds that have fallen into its trap. It was magical to stare at the fiery mouth ready to swallow me whole. It made me curious to think of its mysterious depth, the raging liquid in it, ready to explode and wipe us out. Do not underestimate the unpredictability of nature.

It was getting late and I still didn't know where to go after this. This meditation at the crater was over, I thank Mount Bromo for the blessings, and for making me realize the beauty that I shouldn't miss during my short stay here on this land. I had heard about this God on the way here and how people respected its beauty and power to kill us. How this beauty was made - incandescent material, molten lava, lahar and all those things Mount Bromo could vomit anytime soon. Some kind of pain behind all those beautiful things.

My backpack is small but compressed, it is sure heavy for my stature. However, the real burden was to find a safe space for my own little shack here. Oh yes, I had a tent, would you think I would be too brave to just wander around this barren land without anything? Well, I must say in my experience, even to wander around a foreign land would require a pinch of madness.

My guide did not understand the meaning in all of this, that one would not pass up a chance to see the God during sunrise. I thought it was a good idea. For a city girl and someone who was enclosed in a small space all her life, this could be all too much. I took this chance to have the luxury of solitude, a night not being able to talk to anyone, no receptionist, no tourists, no locals, no bystanders - no one. I was filled with excitement as I felt that I must go through this at least for once in my life.

He took me up to this mountain right across Mount Bromo. We went swirling around it in his motorbike and I pretended that I was not suffering, it was obvious who was the one really exhausted at this moment. Forget about me, he just wanted to make a living by guiding bored tourists and taking their photos. He bought me some snacks and I could see in his eyes his own worries. I would be fine, I assured him.

The guide finally left me, I felt the sudden emptiness of being alone. This was what I wanted, right? I started being worried myself but I tried to fight it. There was no one around here, some people come here to witness the volcano in all its glory at dawn, and I was here at dusk.

I found my own spot farther down, but I realized that I must be careful not to walk too far or I would fall off the edge infinitely into oblivion. Who knew I was here? I was not too stupid to recognize the dangers so I set up a camp here. The sun was slowly hiding now and I couldn't really see anything at this point. The mysterious fog just swallowed everything, nothing left for me to see, just pure blinding white around. Nature is unpredictable indeed.

I guess solitary camping was too easy then, what could possibly go wrong? I had a promise of a whole theatre at sunrise, fresh air and more traveling days ahead of me, and perhaps even years. I played around here - singing, gazing at a blank canvass in front of me, admiring my own freedom. What a life, this is how it is to be happy!

I'm a failure. This was a reminder that Kerouac would just shake his head in disbelief. Why didn't I learn how to make a fire myself? There was no time to gather woods at this point, too much of playing around, such an amateur I was. I had this small rechargeable lamp anyway, so what else do I need? It was just one night.

It was pure darkness outside. I faced the reality of being completely alone here. The wind was becoming stronger and stronger, like an evil giant trying to blow me away. Its unforgiving power started to rattle my tent, wooooohooooo, woooooooohoooooo, boom. I thought the possibility of being taken away and eventually falling off the edge of the world with my shack. Naaaaa, I was being too negative. It was just the wind.

What I kept preaching about? Never underestimate the power of nature. Sure, it had gotten colder as the wind got stronger. Perhaps it came to a freezing point. Who knows? I was just shaking madly. Now, what did I have here? Bikinis, T-shirts, summer clothes and a thin jacket for the occasional mild, cold weather in this country. And what I didn't have - sleeping bag, air mattress, fire, someone....

I started thinking of all those things I would not be able to do anymore - scuba dive, snowboard, longboard, see Machu Picchu, surf, see Iguazu falls, fall in love, kiss the salt flats, dive with sharks in The Galapagos, play ukulele...all those things to do before I die. Now, I am dying.

The power of my mind. Of course, I was just exaggerating, at least not yet! I had a phone with a little bit of signal, I called my really good friend and Couchsurfing host Haekal and whispered to him my final words.

I will die tonight and tonight I will die.

You will make it, just hang in there....He told me.

Remember sunrise, think of all those good things ahead of me. Life is beautiful.

It felt like ages waiting for sunrise. I was crumpled inside the tent trying to make myself warm, forgiving myself for all these stupid decisions and madness. Scared as hell. Cold. Alone.

Shut up, you are not dying.

I was curious to see the light. I finally found the courage to get out of my tent. I saw what was being revealed to me, the billowing clouds were like the opening of the curtains in a theatre. Slowly unfolded what was beyond beautiful that moment. Those strange and sweet thoughts started to come to me during those moments of danger and solitude. This is nothing like I have ever seen before. I want more of this, I want more of this madness and all these feelings and living.

If only you could see what I see now?

This moment was unforgettable. Despite the obvious punishment for the lack of preparation and true understanding of nature, this beauty I was seeing, this moment was well-deserved.

The world looked lovely in this coppery setting, a sign of new beginning. I breathed in the fresh air, the cold morning was reassuring. I felt alive.

The night was some kind of drama, just nature trying to teach someone. I worked hard to see the real beauty of life. I love it for what it is, everything here - all of it. I have laughed and cried, fallen back and forth between the two extremes. Wherever I am, whether in my little room or in this universe of volcanoes, mountains, stars and crazy wind, it's all in my mind. I thanked my little tent here that I would still be bringing with me for another set of adventures. I thanked the endless sky and the magnificent backdrop of mountains and of course the God - Mount Bromo for all the lessons I had been taught.

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^{This is a true story, inspired by Alone on a Mountaintop by Jack Kerouac.}