Lost in the Deep

We lost the other divers in the blink of an eye, with 5m visibility at around 30m, it was not really a surprise. I didn't even know why we were deep diving in this mud-colored water and strong current anyway. In this weather condition, it was pretty bad actually, it didn't make sense why the crew pushed for it just for the sake of 'deep diving'. Let's look at the bright side while I still have air in my tank, shall we? There were two things I loved here, first deep diving and second was Conor.

I remember walking into the scuba dive shop to discuss my job with the owner. I saw Conor there looking silly, we caught each other's eyes. I could still remember his face, that lovely face. I tossed my hair back over my shoulders and almost tripped over my own foot. That was the start of everything worth remembering.

Conor is this English guy who was working in the shop to become a scuba instructor, I was in Vietnam to pause my travel for a bit. I got my PADI license here and collected a number of dives around Nha Trang. Amongst all others, he is the nicest and probably the only one who doesn't float. Everyone else is rotten and I ignored them all. Except for Conor, he had my full attention. Conor is special. He used to annoy me every morning as we loaded the boat with heavy tanks and assembled the equipment for other divers. Actually, he would rather do that and let me prepared the food instead. He was kind of a machista slave driver. He mocked my scuba diving skills, but I knew how he stared at my body when I removed my wetsuit after a dive. He would push me off the boat when he had the chance. And when we were both in the water, he would attempt to drown me. If it was just us, he would choke me with his tattooed arm. He just took this great pleasure when I was suffering and when he was seeing the fear in my eyes. I guess, he really loved me.

We used to argue which fish represents each of us, but there was simply no way I could win an argument with him. He wanted to be in charge, he wanted to be better. I liked him just like that I guess. In fact, we liked each other very much. We used to walk crazily around the town in our drunken state even though we still had to scuba dive the next day. You know what they say, don't drink and dive. We broke the rules sometimes, and it felt like we were really meant to be together.

One night, I asked him to take the vodka shots some Russian tourists were offering to us when we were in a bar. I told him that it would be rude not to accept. Russians can be quite friendly when drunk. He took the shot, then one after the other. Even though he would still scuba dive the next day. He is used to drinking like this before diving, such a good boy.

When he became an instructor, he would sign my dive log and wrote there stupid comments like 'too afraid to lead a deep dive'. I would always let him lead the dive anyway, I trusted his skills. I like his confidence, roughness and mysteriousness, but I hated his taste in music, who likes grindcore? I begged for his Guns and Roses T-shirt but he announced in front of others that he would rather burn it.

Where was I? Here in the deep blue with Conor. A dangerous yet magical moment of our lives together. I was having a trouble of my own, equalizing at this depth. I signaled him so he stopped. Despite all his attempts to be mean, he was still being sweet. He liked to save my life sometimes. Then the next thing we knew, we lost the rest. But then like it didn't matter to us, we removed our regulators and kissed underwater. The first rule of scuba diving is do not hold your breath, especially during a deep dive. I wanted to be clear here, I didn't snatch his regulator. We did it like an instinct, we just loved each other.

We did a very bad safety stop and slowly resurfaced so as not to burst our lungs, and also to find out where were the others. Some were already on the surface, it was a substandard move for the main dive lead. She was an amateur instructor, and she paid for the consequences of neglecting the rest of the divers with her. I was safe with Conor.

I left and continued traveling in South America months later despite his objection, it was not easy. He promised to dive with me across the deep blue ocean. I miss him and all our twisted games.

But I lost him in the deep.