What If? - Day 70 - Daily Haiku
What if all we know
turns out to be vain and false?
Would we change ourselves?
Cori MacNaughton
Two of my very favorite words in the English language are, "What if?," which pretty much anyone who has known me for very long is well aware of, and go a long way toward explaining why my last marriage didn't work, and why this one does.
In my last marriage, if I started a sentence with "What if," my then-husband would groan, figuring (incorrectly) that this meant he was going to have to "fix" something, instead of taking it simply as an intellectual exercise, or as a way of brainstorming . . . which he usually loved, but only if he initiated it.
By contrast, if I start out by saying "What if," with Marek, he gets jazzed, because he gets it, he gets me, and some of our favorite conversations have started out this way.
I don't know who first said to marry someone you love to talk to, but they were absolutely right, because we have so much fun together talking that I can't even imagine not having that any more. And he's extremely smart, insatiably curious (as am I), and is absolutely hilarious, which never hurts. ;-)
On the philosophical side, as a long time seeker of truth, I have in fact found my conventions and beliefs challenged time and again, and my belief system today barely resembles that from when I was younger.
My personal philosophy can be summed up in a single quote from Shakespeare's Hamlet:
"This above all: to thine own self be true. And it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man."
By being true to myself, first and foremost, I am by definition living by the Golden Rule, as treating others as I wish to be treated IS being true to myself.
Am I perfect in this regard? Far from it. But I find that I am much happier than when I was constantly putting others ahead of me, and not even considering my own needs, though I am still finding that an old habit that is easy to fall back into.
As women, this is what our society teaches us, which is a large part of why women remain marginalized as a group. But we can, and must, find ways of taking back our power, and of modeling this for younger women and girls.
I was extremely fortunate in having many smart, strong and funny women in my life, but I have my former mother-in-law to thank for modeling best how to stand up for myself, with integrity and humor. Thank you, Mae.
And men are great as well, with Marek as only one example. I've always had a lot of male friends in my life, have "adopted" a number of brothers along the way, and they have been wonderful to me over the years. And I was blessed in having strong men in my family, and among my parents friends, who modeled well their own integrity and humor.
Which is why I've never been tempted to fall into the "All men are scum" manner of thinking, which is so clearly false; every bit as false as "All women are (fill in your own epithet here)." Any time you make "all," "nothing," "always" or "never" statements, you're wrong out of the starting box, because there will always be so many exceptions as to make the statement meaningless.
Yes, some men act like scum, and yes, some women act horribly as well, but that does not make them scum as people; it only makes them sad, usually quite unhappy, and not worth spending your time with, as they tend to be energy vampires.
But anyone can turn things around, should they choose to do so, and if any one of these people chose to act with integrity, and to be true to themselves, they would then be absolutely worth getting to know. There are no lost cases.
Which brings me back to "What if," not to mention Byron Katie, because a large part of what has brought me so far in my life, particularly in recent years, is regularly questioning my own long-held assumptions.
Because, when all is said and done, they remain simply beliefs, and as Byron Katie points out, there is no empirical way of knowing, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that they are true.
So, in all things, I endeavour to keep an open mind, to read widely, to listen to opposing viewpoints, and to accept the fact that it is entirely possible that even my most cherished beliefs may be proven wrong.
For me it is a humbling, but necessary step, in order to be a fully functioning adult.
And I would love to hear your take in the comments.
King Crimson, "Starless" - Music
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The First Day of Spring - Day 68 - Daily Haiku
Storm Corrosion, "Storm Corrosion" - Music
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Porcupine Tree, "Dark Matter" - Music
Get Off the Couch Now - Day 66 - Daily Haiku
Into My Arms Once - Day 65 - Daily Haiku
Death is Like An Avalanche- Overcoming Grief
Lunatic Soul, "Anymore" - Music
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You sound so happy with your partner @crescendoofpeace. I wish you both the best in life. For my favorite word, I think it is "contemplate". I don't know why but I really like the sound of it.
It is one of my favorites as well - great word!
Thanks again for inviting me to join #tribegloballove. The more I'm checking it out, the more I am liking it, and I appreciate your support. ;-)
You're always welcome. :)
I think much of the world has become closed off and cynical in their thinking of the opposite gender based on a few bad experiences. It's easy to say all men are this or all women are that but reality is, our experiences shape us and our thinking but it certainly isn't fair to paint everyone with the same brush. We are all individuals after all.
I was always under the thinking of " be what you want to attract" and like you said treat people how you want to be treated, it has a minor flaw tho, not everybody wants to be treated the same, we all have our different expectations. One thing in the world that I notice is sideways, many people seem to act how they think society as a whole expects them to act or see life and leads to inauthentic behaviors, resentment and poor self image. Being ourselves and being with someone where we can be ourselves is a gift. There are many what ifs in life, just gotta live in the moment as these perceptions change overtime and it's just healthy to challenge our own thinking and beliefs to stay current with ourselves and each other.
I'm fortunate to have a significant other like you have that "gets me" even if I'm being silly or just thinking about off that wall topics or the different "what if's " in life no mater how crazy it sounds. It's a gift to be able to share our authentic self with someone else without fear of judgement.
Absolutely true, and far too often difficult to find.
I've always been lucky in having close friends with whom I could be myself, but my former spouse started trying to change me pretty much as soon as the ring was on my finger, even though it was never going to work, and he would have hated it if it had. Sigh.
When people have asked me for the "secret" as to why our relationship is so good, it is quite simple, because we accept each other for who we are. No game playing, and if a problem arises, which is fairly rare, we talk it through. We've had maybe half a dozen "fights," if that, in the 11 1/2years we've been together, and those have been minor.
Finding someone who "gets you" is worth its weight in gold.
My parents always had a rule in our house that we were to take people as they presented themselves, to do our best not to judge, and to assume the best about them. And that has stood me in good stead over the years.
There is a quote by Woodrow Wilson that I used to love, though recently I haven't been able to find it anywhere. But in essence, he said that to approach someone from a position of friendship and trust, is to approach from a position of strength; whereas to approach with fear and distrust, is to approach from a position of weakness. I so agree.
I so agree with with the last section( well all of your statement) It's how I always live by, true wisdom . Start on mutual trust and respect and things go a long way when it's right. Everyone is innocent until proven guilty and actions speak louder than words. There was a time when I used to be really closed off and I gotta say, it just keeps good opportunities away.
I don't change for anybody and don't expect anyone to change for me. I had a boyfriend that tried to change me and after a while I just got sick of it. I'm stubborn , can't do it! The behavior you allow is how you always get treated, I learned that pretty quick. A good relationship is almost effortless.
Yeah the way I look at it is, if you only love me if I change for you, then you don't really love me in the first place. Not how they see it, but I don't care.
I choose to be me, and if they don't like it, find someone else. ;-)