If You Spill The Coffee - Say I Am Sorry!
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How many times did you go through an argument or a heated discussion and then you got upset by something the other person said?
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Ok, now think about this: How many times did you say something that hurt someone else and you totally didn't mean to hurt that person at all?
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I think you and I have been through quite a few of those situations. I was recently having a discussion about this issue with someone I know. She has a different stand from mine. She says, it's very important to know what one's intention are before you get upset at them because of something they said that hurt you. I have a different stand. I say, it doesn't matter what your intention is, if you said something that hurts someone else, you've hurt them, regardless of your intention. Even if you did mean well, even if you were just kidding, even if you really cared about that person, your words did hurt them and that's a fact.
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Which position do you stand by? Mine or hers? Think about what you think and how you feel for a moment. Recall past situations you might have gone through when you were either hurt by someone's words or when your words hurt someone. What do you think now? Do you say words matter regardless of the intention behind them or do you say intentions make a good excuse and should be considered in hurtful situations?
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Before you make up your mind, let me ask you this: If you went to a coffee shop and the waiter spilled coffee on your shirt. Hot coffee. Would you feel the heat of the coffee burning your skin and see the coffee stain on your clothes or will you ask the waiter first if he meant to hurt you or not?
See, here I'm not asking about your reaction to the waiter's negligence. I'm not asking whether you'll get angry at him/her or forgive him/her. I'm asking whether your skin will feel the heat of coffee and whether your clothes will be stained or not.
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Definitely your skin will be hurt by the hot coffee and your shirt clothes be stained. This is a natural effect to the spilling of hot coffee on you regardless of what is going on in the waiter's mind or his intentions. How you deal with the situation after that is an entirely different story.
That's why I argue that every word we say has an effect on the listener, regardless of what good or positive intentions lye behind it. If we say something which is perceived by the other person as an insult, they will take it as an insult. It will hurt them. Now, they might be wise enough not to bark at you. They might be kind, patient, understanding or just stay silent. But their reaction doesn't change the fact that they have been hurt.
Regardless of the reaction they have, they already felt the heat of the coffee and saw the stain. They got hurt by what you said. You might have not meant to hurt them. You might have been joking or trying to just rambling or just not thinking about what you're saying...But you spilled the coffee regardless of your intention and you need to apologize for that right away and watch out not to spill it again in the future by being more careful with everything you say, even when you're joking or just rambling.
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That's how I see we can avoid a lot of unneeded arguments, quarrels and even hard feelings.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.
Then you're stronger that steel... Kudos to you :)
that's the difference between speaking whatever comes to mind and thinking before speaking
Very true @cobmaximus ... If you can avoid spilling the coffee in the first place, that's way better.
I agree 100% it is not how it was intended..it is how it hurts. I try and teach my kids this as well. It doesnt matter if you meant to hurt someone because at the end of the day you still did. Words can have a powerful affect on someones life.
Very true... Thanks for sharing how you raise up your kids... that's the right way to do it.. You said it right: "Words can have a powerful effect on someone's life"... I'm glad the core of my message resonates with you.
Awesome post, I totally agree with you my man!
Self control, or the power to remain calm in every situation - is a superpower!
A skill, you can work your whole life on... :)
Btw I see you are making it big here on Steemit, I'm really proud of you...
Expect to hear a lot from me!
Thank you very much @enjoyinglife... I remember you encouraged me in a powerful comment on one of my early posts... I've been trying to be consistent since then, producing beneficial posts and connecting with people... I'd love to hear a lot from you my friend.
It doesn't matter that your intent was not to hurt. If you insulted, you owe an apology. Period.
What kind of upbringing regards that as not insulting?????
I find no value in arguing. Make a point and move on. I am too much of a pacifist.
Exactly... There is no point in arguing... it only makes things worse. And if it happens between loved ones, it weakens the relationship and builds unnecessary grudges.
Truth
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I really like this alot, although I have this little nagging suspicion you are aiming this one straight at me....because I know I can be flippant and just throw in a jokey care less attitude. Too many years on the internet, in some ways it can become just unreal - like a game. It can be too easy to just make a comment without thinking which can be taken to heart and hurt someone even though that was not your intention. Very good work. On a Sidenote I notice the Arabsteem tag - do you know my buddy @mokh-tar he asked me where to find support for the @arabsteem account but I am still struggling to find that information for him.
#thealliance
Hey @c0ff33a Thanks for sharing your thoughts... And yes, communicating online can easily lead to those kind of unintentional clashes, but still, a word is like a weapon, once fired, hard to take back and people do get hurt by certain words, whether spoken or written. Yes, I know @mokh-tar from the @arabsteem. I'm part of their discord group and we communicate there often. It's an amazing group who supports Arabic speakers to grow and get guidance. Kinda like #thealliance but focusing on Arabic speakers.
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This is well said, and I think lies at the heart of many disagreements, especially where political correctness comes in. Because I'm quite sensitive to not wanting to hurt others, I error on your side of the discussion:
It is perfectly normal to be upset when you are upset.
This sounds like a dumb non-statement, but what I mean by this is that you are going to be upset anyway. Both sides should step back and start the dialog so that a mutual understanding takes place. Then future interactions can only improve from there.
And now I'm realizing I strayed from the original question.
Yes, words matter.
But I lost my train of thought...
I can perfectly follow your train of thought... you didn't lose it :) And that statement makes perfect sense "It is perfectly normal to b upset with you are upset" - not dumb at all...actually, that the core message in this post: When you're upset, you don't think about intentions or excuses, you are just hurt, and the person who hurt you need to take a step back, admit they've done something wrong to you, apologize and then you can forgive them out of the kindness of your heart... When you're hurt, you are wounded and you only need those wounds to be healed.