Moving to a New Planet? Don't Take Disembarkation Sickness With You.

Planning to undertake a journey to a new planet? If this is your first time, you probably have questions and concerns about Disembarkation Sickness (DS). While DS is a serious concern for spacefarers, a safe and relatively uneventful disembarkation is possible with a little foreknowledge and preparation. Whether you are traveling for reasons of business, leisure, permanent relocation, self-imposed exile, or "lifestyle disembarkation", this guide will help.

DS is an environmental disorder brought on by exposure to foreign planetary resonant frequencies, such as the lightning storm-generated “Schumann resonances” on Terra, or the “Tortugan music” on Gorfin-3, which is caused by the constant discharges of the planet’s electric flying tortoises. These frequencies are inaudible to most sentient species, but can affect brain and body function in various unusual ways, similar to the sonic submission sticks used by riot police to protect the public from would-be protesters, as well as to the now ubiquitous Puke Ray Gun ™, a favorite toy for children across the galaxy.

Although no reliable methods have yet been established for determining an organism’s susceptibility to DS, it is clear that the syndrome does not affect hiveminded species-- unless the queen contracts it, in which case all hive members are likely to experience symptoms, whether or not they are present with the queen on the host world at the time. As for members of individuated species, chances for contraction of the ailment are about 50/50. Symptoms can range from mild to severe and may last anywhere from a few days to forever. Lifestyle disembarkers take note: the more planets you disembark upon, the greater your chances of eventually receiving a DS diagnosis.

To ensure the health and safety of all travelers, the Bureau of Interplanetary Tourism and Immigration requires new arrivals to all worlds to undergo quarantine for a period of at least two galactic standard days after disembarking—a period that can be extended if the patient is diagnosed with DS.

Since DS indicators are not always readily apparent to the outside observer, it is of crucial importance that you report any symptoms you or your traveling companions may experience to the nearest quarantine medic. Make sure you are familiar with the signs before you disembark!

1. Headache

One of the most common complaints of DS patients, this symptom often appears in conjunction with one or more other symptoms. It is important to note, however, that an aching in the head(s) upon disembarkation does not necessarily mean a DS diagnosis. Travelers often experience headaches due to stress induced by whining children, nagging spouses, or the pheremonal emanations of unfamiliar species.

In addition, a variety of environmental factors could be the culprit. For six galactic standard years, disembarkers upon Thessalie-13 reported severe headaches, sometimes accompanied by uncontrollable eye-watering, chronic sneezing, or mild fever. These near-universal symptoms were put down to DS until one thorough inspector discovered that the mustard yellow paint adorning the walls in the immigration complex contained pigments made of highly concentrated bogieflower pollen, a redlisted allergen and a Class 4 Controlled Substance by intergalactic statute. Travelers to Thessalie-13 may rest assured that the immigration complex has since been repainted.

2. Tinnitus

Ringing, beeping, or droning in the ears is another common DS symptom. In mild cases, the tinnitus usually goes away after a short time; however, in severer cases, the condition can last indefinitely, or as long as the individual remains on the host planet. Provisional visas are often granted to DS patients for whom the syndrome manifests as tinnitus. This does not apply to those patients experiencing aural gonging that lasts longer than two galactic standard days.

Unfortunately, aural gonging sufferers will need to be returned to their point of origin as soon as possible to prevent permanent hearing loss, disorientation, and chronic insomnia. Please note that despite rumors to the contrary, individuals of non-aural species do not need to watch for this symptom. If you believe yourself to be afflicted with tinnitus despite having no anatomical hearing function, you are advised to seek the services of quarantine psychologists.

3. Inexplicable Euphoria

Lifestyle disembarkers will want to remain extra-vigilant about this symptom, as it is often mistaken for the “fusion” (see number 6 below) that lifers seek as proof that they’ve found the planet with the perfect resonant signature for them. The main difference between the two is that the latter only affects the individual’s feelings in relation to the place itself; while inexplicable euphoria manifests as intense and delusional feelings of elation toward any and everything. On Ymby, DS patients who are suspected of having inexplicable euphoria are routinely tested by exposure to a series of increasingly displeasing objects and suggestions. According to the Ymbic Medical Association’s collected research, patients with inexplicable euphoria have responded positively to: radioactive tapeworms, obviously rigged elections, boil-lancing (as an art form), and the prospect of bathing in a pit of bogieflower pollen.

4. Ardent Despair

On the opposite end of the spectrum from inexplicable euphoria is ardent despair. Unlike garden-variety depression, ardent despair is characterized by an unwavering commitment on the part of the sufferer to continue on in a state of focused defeatism, indefinitely. The patient commonly expresses feeling duty-bound to despair on behalf of those—such as happy clowns and freelance writers—who ought to have come to terms with the inherent hopelessness of life, but haven’t. There are no known cases of this symptom abating without removal of the patient from the host planet. This poses an interesting conundrum, as the patient’s vigilance in suffering invariably leads him to reject any attempts at intervention. Even impassioned pleas by loved ones usually fail to persuade ardent despairers to return home. (In one case, a vacationer to Agananath Ektu despaired so ardently that she was able to convince her entire family—all DS-free—to join her endeavor.)

5. Obsession with Spinning Objects

Although not as common as some other indicators, gyrophilia has become the emblematic symptom of DS, probably due to the worlds-famous comedy sketch, produced by Korwin and Khron, in which Khron plays a quarantine medic and Korwin, a newly disembarked traveler who can not restrain himself from thumping Khron’s vestigial antennae to watch them spin. (A note to members of humor-impaired races: the skit’s humor derives from the fact that Korwin’s behavior is viewed as particularly rude by certain prominent sects of Khron’s native Bongki species.)

Bongkian antennae aside, genuine cases of DS-induced gyrophilia are no laughing matter. Many spinning objects, especially those one might find in an average spaceport facility, wield deathly sharp blades and rotate with enough force to slice through the bones of most species like soft Frelmish cheese. If you value your head(s) and appendages, you will report any gyrophilic tendencies, however mild, to the quarantine authorities immediately.

6. A Sense of Perfect Belonging

Just one fifth of one percent of disembarkers report being imbued with a pleasant sensation of effortless synthesis with the host world. Some have described the experience as “discovering that you are an integral part of the integral symphony” or “wrapping yourself in a warm and well-worn blanket that was knitted by your favorite aunt and still smells of her kitchen.” Its effects are long-lasting, if not permanent (as long as the affected individual remains on the planet.)

There is a lack of consensus among experts as to whether the sense of perfect belonging is a symptom of DS or proof of the absence of the syndrome. Those in the symptom camp have termed it “clinical wellness disorder”, much to the chagrin of their detractors.

For lifestyle disembarkers, the distinction borders on meaninglessness. These unceasing itinerants devote their lives to planet hopping across the galaxy in hopes that they will one day experience “the click”. To them, clinical wellness disorder is “fusion” with one’s “soulworld”, and well worth the trouble, even if it is just a symptom of DS.

Malphian Junket lives and writes in the rainbow-glass mountains of his soulworld, Gorfin-3, where the electric flying tortoises never stop singing. Before experiencing the click, he disembarked upon 43 planets and had Disembarkation Sickness on 28 of them (29 if you count the fusion on Gorfin-3.) His memoir, “Fusion! Appendages Be Damned” can be purchased from fine booksellers across the galaxy.