past imperfekt
atelophobia;
the fear of not being good enough
Christmas cards, birthday cards, notes– I’m forever rewriting my message, sometimes ripping up the card and starting over because of a mistake or because I was unhappy with the thickness of the pen.
Perfectionistic tendencies have always been dominant. I fight them, I truly do, but they tell me “I’m not good enough,” or “what a mess you’ve made.” I fall for the lie, wonder of wonders.
I stare out the window at the rain. My mind begins to drift. I let it.
“Maeve,” get in here!
Oh great. Mom is summoning me. What did I do wrong this time– Or, what didn’t I do perfectly?
I take my time shuffling into the living room where she sits rocking on the lazy boy chair; smoke surrounding her like a glory cloud– except this one isn’t holy.
I breathe in as she sucks on her cigarette. We exhale together, our gazes locked.
“Yes, Mom– Is there a problem?”
“How many times do I have to tell you to put the furniture back in the exact spot after you vacuum? Look over there! I can see where the table legs were. Put them back right now.”
Sigh.
Slowly, I part the smoke cloud as I walk over to the table and put the table back in the exact spot.
I walk out of the room, my mind reeling trying to figure out if I were just smacked across the face or if her chastisements were that painful.
Fast-forward twenty years and I have my answer.
I’m forever rewriting my message, trying to get it right.
Thanks, Mom.
written by
And thousands of times, I had to face long thin sticks because of the perfectionist tendencies of my parents. And mind you, those thin sticks hurt more thn anything at that time :D
Oh gee....that must have been difficult to endure. All we can learn is to do things differently with out own children.
That's me trying to write a post or comment - it takes me ages - and I didn't even have a mom like yours ;)
Aw.....I think you write wonderful comments @edward.maesen :)
lol!!! Good 'ol Charlie Brown.
Very interesting, and sad of course. Amazing how stuff like that can stay with a body... I guess I somewhat rebelled against all of that. Lately my life philosophy tends to run more along the lines of in 50 years none of this is really going to matter much.
It's true now of course....that I am an old lady person....my outlook on life has changed dramatically. I'm less far sighted looking at the past than I am being near sighted in the present. Oh brother, that sounds so new age. I think you know what I mean.
We are a product of our upbringing. I am a perfectionist because of my father. Nothing was ever good enough. Came home from school one year with 98% on a math test. His response was, "well, where is the other two percent?
Maybe it was the time of our upbringing. I think we are the same age group, could be wrong. I hope we did better with our kids. :)
We are probably close in age. I know I did a better job with my kids. No perfectionists out of the four!
I got a couple of perfectionists. :/ I tried. Maybe it's in the genes. And environmentally caused as well. I don't know.
I never expected perfection from our kids. If they tried their best that was good enough.
It must be in the genes. I have a granddaughter who is a protectionist and she's only 5!
I hope she learns one day, that there is no reaching perfection.
Me too!
Happy New Year @cececastor. Thank you for your wonderful support and encouragement!
Hugs, my friend! Tell that little Countrygirl that I think she was wonderful!
You're so sweet @melinda010100.
I think I am about the same age as you and @cecicastor and I also remember that feeling. Not because my parents were so demanding, they were not. In my case, it was because I was a woman. That made me think: "I am not good enough'.
In education, it was a man's world and I became one of the first women as a principal (You can imagine how long it took before I dared to apply).
I felt I had to be twice as good as a male principal. It took a while before I could believe that I was good at what I did. That helped me enormously, but even then I sometimes experienced the feeling that everybody else was better than I was.
It really might have been the times we grew up in too. Our generation certainly has gone through a lot of growing pains socially, that's for sure. Thanks for sharing!
You are welcome, it's nice to have some people on Steemit with whom you really can 'share' because they have similar experiences.
So true. Happy New Year Clio!
Poignant reflection, and with great imagery. I loved this moment:
"We exhale together, our gazes locked."
We've formed a casual group of writers on Discord called the Isle of Write. You'd fit in wonderfully. If you'd be interested in joining us, here's the link:
https://discord.gg/8bEWsdW
Really? I might take you up on it. Thanks for your encouraging remarks.
I learned something from this story. Thanks for sharing the post.
Thanks for reading.
Great writing! I feel the same sometimes and remember how my parents always found a thing I didn't do perfect...
Thank you!
((Hugs))
Aw..thanks @debralee. Happy New Year!