It's another script for tonight! Woohooo!

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The script/sketch below is written by my dear sweet husband, @chrisroberts, who left for work for the day and asked that I go ahead and post this for your perusing pleasure. 😎

Scripts are shared during the show in correct format via Google docs for easier reading.

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THE HARDWARE STORE
Written by Chris Roberts @chrisroberts
May 18, 2018

CAST
RUSTY
GUS
FRANK

NARRATOR
In a small town hardware store, near closing time, three men are having a discussion. The man behind the counter is Rusty, the hardware store’s owner for the last thirty years. Gus and Frank, two locals who seem to have no intention of buying anything, have been scaring away the customers for the last few hours, exchanging their favorite conspiracy theories.

GUS
Fire.

FRANK
Ice.

GUS
Fire!

FRANK
Ice!

RUSTY
Boys, boys! Get ahold of yourselves! You’re both wrong, anyway.

GUS
I’m telling you Rusty. It’s always been fire. This moron thinks we’re headed for an ice age!

FRANK
What do you know, you old fart?

GUS
Think about it, fellas! We got volcanoes, earthquakes…

FRANK
They call it nuclear winter, Gus. Ice age.

GUS
Not a chance! Why do you think they’ve got those tunnel cities under the US? That’s how the elites are gonna get away from the hellfire and brimstone!

RUSTY
Are those the tunnels that the aliens been helpin’ ‘em build?

FRANK
Oh boy, here we go… Always with the aliens, Rusty. I figure a business owner like you’d be more down to earth about this stuff.

RUSTY
Get with the program, Frank. Aliens been a thing for years. Their technology… man, they got weapons we can’t even imagine.

GUS
Aliens, huh? You know they’re just demons in disguise, right? Just shoot some Jesus power at ‘em and watch ‘em run for the hills.

RUSTY
Well I’ve never actually seen an alien, Gus, and I guess I don’t know how to shoot Jesus power.

FRANK
Seriously, boys? Aliens? Who cares? We’ve got rocketman over in North Korea powering up his nukes, we’ve got the UN trying to make some kind of new world order, we got chemtrails falling on our heads, and don’t even get me started on super-volcanoes.

GUS
Super-volcanoes! That’s why the world is gonna burn. I watched a documentary on the Yellowstone super-volcano… no surviving that. And that’s why the world’s gonna end in fire.

FRANK
It’s not about the lava, Gus. It’s the ash. After an eruption, the gases and ashes will kill all the plants and block out the sun. People are gonna die from lung diseases, and before you know it… boom,we got a new ice age.

RUSTY
You’re already a fossil, Frank. You don’t need an ice age.

SOUND FX - MOBILE PHONE RINGS

GUS
It’s the mark of the beast!

SOUND FX - PHONE SMASHING

RUSTY
God-Dammit, Gus! How many times have I told you not to destroy my phone? That was my wife calling.

GUS
I’m doing you a favor, Rusty! That’s how they---

FRANK
That’s how they get you? That’s how they track you? Radiation, blah blah blah. Everybody uses phones, Gus. Get over it.

GUS
I have a mobile phone. It lives in a lead box, where Mark Zuckerberg’s mind control can’t get to me.

RUSTY
Why do you even have a phone if you just keep it in a lead box all the time?

GUS
They can’t control my brainwaves, dammit!

RUSTY
You know, as soon as the EMP hits, all our phones are gonna be useless. Circuits fried.

FRANK
I ain’t worried about that. My bunker’s solar powered.

GUS
Why you always worried about EMP, Rusty? You can always just turn stuff back on once the EMP is over.

RUSTY
No way it’d be that simple, Gus. Imagine if all the transformers blew, all over the world. Power lines would be useless, and they’d take months to get back online. But by then, freight deliveries would have stopped and food would be rotting in warehouses. People would be looting and starving, ripping each other apart in a matter of weeks. Nobody’d have gas, nobody’d have contact, you can forget about the interwebs. And unless your bunker’s good and hidden away, you’ll have thousands of desperate people banging down your door.

GUS
C’mon, Rusty. That sounds a little paranoid.

FRANK
You keep your phone in a lead box, and you’re calling Rusty paranoid?

GUS
It’s just so far-fetched. I mean, I’m still gonna survive if the lights go out. But if there’s giant demon monsters walking the earth, breathing fire and slaughtering humanity, I’m not gonna be worried about some piddly electricity.

FRANK
Giant Demon Monsters?

GUS
Sure. When was the last time you gave the book of Revelation a gander?

FRANK
Sunday school I reckon.

GUS
It’s all happening now! Look for the signs!

FRANK
Jeez, Gus! The science people have spoken! There’s gonna be an ice age, so make sure your fly’s up when the flash-freeze comes.

GUS
Dammit Frank! Fire and brimstone! Extra brimstone for you!

RUSTY
Shut up, the both of you! You’re both wrong, like I said. It’s electro-magnetic pulse that’ll do us in for sure.

FRANK
Ice!

GUS
Fire!

RUSTY
E.M.P.!

SOUND FX - POWER GOES OUT

RUSTY
Woo-hoo! Told you! EMP for the win!

SOUND FX - CARS CRASH OUTSIDE

FRANK
Looks like you were right, Rusty.

GUS
So long, western convenience.

RUSTY
I guess it’s every man for himself now, boys. Good luck, and get the hell outta my store. It’s closing time.

GUS
Thanks, Rusty! I’m having an apocalypse barbecue Sunday afternoon. Can you bring the potato salad?

RUSTY
Sure thing, Gus. Tell Dolores I said hi, Frank.

FRANK
Will do, Rusty. Honestly, I’m glad it wasn’t ice. Dolores hates being cold.

NARRATOR
As Frank and Gus leave the hardware store, Rusty takes a long look out the window at the chaos now happening outside. The transformer across the street has exploded, causing a large grassfire that is rapidly spreading.

RUSTY
Huh. I guess fire’s still in the running.

END

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