Entry: What today (March 22, 2021) means to me. 3.40

Today is a sad, grey day.
At least it is till this moment. At the moment I wake up I feel fine especially if there was no pain keeping me awake. I stretch out a bit, my feet are no longer that cold and I wish I could stay in bed.
I don't because my bedroom is cold, too cold to sit and I can no longer lay on my side and write.
Out of the blue there's something inside of me. It's a feeling which I don't like. It always ends in the same way if it shows up. I breath in and out. I breathe it out. Once or twice is enough. I stay a bit longer in bed to be sure it's gone, I need to collect the courage to get out and face another day.
Once out I automatically put on the kettle, collect the mugs, wipe the carpet.
I removed my simcard from the phone I have for such a long time. I'll still use it but as soon as my credit is finished it's the end of T-mobile. It was Tele2 I started with and T-mobile took it over.

I spend my day with doing small house chorus and the rest is filled with struggling on the internet with a connection that hardly works.
Yesterday for example I tried over six hours to post on steemit.com. Six hour... how many of you are that motivated? I didn't manage to and used steempeak.com. it's one of the last days I can use it. Today is.

Light browsers do not exist, neither does a good connection for me. Even if I can load other sites steemit.com is too heavy for me. At times it loads enough I can read but not enough to answer and send.
It's frustrating there's no solution, no help for people like me. People willing to write, original writers. People willing to help. They are shut out. Shut out from the platform, the society, communities because no one cares about those at the end of the line.
Because your internet is great it doesn't mean other people's is too.
Today, no matter what people say, a good internet connection is a must and so are tools and sites that makes it easier for people to join.
Steemit never filled that hole neither did others. Most sites are way to heavy and apps aren't apps but hyperlinks directing to a site. With 12-21 kbps (indeed kb!) there isn't much action in internet life so today I feel as grey and miserable as the weather outside.
I don't know if I can still be there, I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night to check if I can publish. I am tired of this all.

Today I am just tired, tired and sad.

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