“Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far, far away from here.”

It's waking up in the morning, staring at the ceiling, wondering how your day would end. It's walking down the side walks, avoiding the looks of people as if they're judging you just for your existence. It's sitting in front of your computer, knowing what to do but still lost of what should you do. It's smiling at people when deep inside, you don't know what you're smiling about. It's losing interest to everything that once made you interested. It's finding the perfect song but cannot find the taste that you're wanting to hear. It's looking at the window, lost in your own space, wishing you are not here at this moment. It's negative thoughts swarming your mind. It's deep inside you but no one understands because you're actually a nice funny person to them. It's wanting to communicate with your friends but cannot find the enthusiasm to do so... because you don't know how to start, you don't know if they can help, you don't know if talking is still worth it. It's you being okay that relationship is really not important, may it be your family, your friends or your companion because you know deep inside, it's gonna end and you're not worth it and the risk is not worth it. It's you agreeing to go outside with people but still feeling out of sorts as if the person is not you and just some pathetic version of yourself wanting to socialize with others... because deep inside you're hoping that maybe this unexplainable sadness inside of you will be vanished for a short while and you will somehow feel the genuine happiness. And it's a failure, each try is a failure, you're a failure. No matter how much you try to cheer yourself up, it's you bringing yourself down. And you can't fight it. You can't erase it. You can't do anything about it. It's making this random blog at this moment knowing that after I leave these words, there's still no cure, no replacement for the lost soul, no enthusiasm to find it. It's falling asleep later hoping you'll find yourself in a dream, hoping that tomorrow is not the same as the other, hoping that you would know the reason for your lost reason for existence that maybe just maybe... this reason may find your way back home.