I was given the opportunity of a lifetime. While pursuing my Masters degree in Sociology I was offered free tuition plus a monthly stipend in return for either being a teaching assistant to a professor or for teaching one class a semester for every year I was in graduate school. Over the course of the two years it took me to get my degree I got to experience both being a teaching assistant and a college instructor.

While both experiences were rewarding, this story is about my first day as a college instructor.

I should start off by saying before actually teaching I never had aspirations to be a teacher. My entire life I had social anxiety and pubic speaking was something I avoided at all costs. Being offered a free Masters degree, a $30,000 education was like I said...the opportunity of a lifetime and I couldn't pass it up because of my anxiety.

When I decided to become a graduate college instructor I was terrified. The day I told my graduate coordinator I accepted the job offer she gave me my heart was racing and feelings of dread washed over me. It was May, the end of the spring semester, and I had all summer to prepare for teaching.

Social anxiety is something I battled since childhood. As a very young child I actually went 13 years where I barely talked to anyone outside my immediate family because I had such extreme anxiety. I grew up having panic attacks when forced into social situations. By the time I was 23 years old and in graduate school I had my anxiety under control but I was still very shy.

Deciding to teach brought back my panic attacks.

All summer I fought an internal battle as I practiced my lectures in front of a mirror and studied my course book. Every time I worked on my powerpoints, exams, assignments, etc. the anxiety would spike up and my fears would take hold of my mind.

I was given a choice what time periods I wanted to teach during. Knowing my anxiety would be bad I chose to teach one day a week on Mondays. The class was a three hour long evening class. I figured that first time teaching I'd do all my teaching in one day and be done with it so I wouldn't have to suffer daily humiliation if I was a horrible teacher. I knew if I was horrible the three day a week, hour long class would be torture for me and my students.

The day I taught my first class I wore my best outfit.

I wore black dress pants with a short sleeved button up shirt and a black vest. I hung out in my office with my husband (then boyfriend) and he did his best to keep me distracted and calm. My heart was racing all day and I was so scared. I had my syllabus handouts ready and planned on spending the first day just going over the syllabus and what to expect from the course.

I can't describe the anxiety I felt as I walked up the stairs and down the hall to teach for the first time.

I had never been so terrified. My heart pounded harder than it had ever beat in my life. I was sweating and my hands were shaking. As I stepped up to the podium I took a few minutes to calm myself and take in my surroundings. I was early so waiting for my 30 students to arrived helped me compose myself.

I don't remember much about what I said or did. I just remember being done with an hours worth of material in 15 minutes. I was so nervous I spoke really fast and went through the syllabus way too fast. I let my students go after 15 minutes. Looking back now I laugh at that experience. At the time I remember wanting to go home, curl up, and cry because those first 15 minutes were the hardest thing I've ever done.

I did a horrible job. But I survived.

And the next day of class I went in and did another horrible job. Natural teacher I was not. I somehow survived my first semester of teaching knowing I wasn't great at the job but learning something new every day to do a better job the next semester. Over the weeks of that first semester my social anxiety faded and I calmed down enough to lecture for the entire 3 hours and my students seemed to enjoy me.

The funny thing about public speaking on a regular basis is that it helps cure social anxiety.

I never imagined on that first day of teaching that a year later I'd be 22 hours away spending the next 3 years of my life teaching large auditorium classes with 100 to 150 students in them. I never imagined I'd grow to be a great teacher and love the job.

It's crazy where life takes you sometimes. You have aspirations and dreams but taking a crazy chance doing something new often brings on new dreams.

Photo Of My Auditorium Classroom

I'll be getting my PhD in Sociology this December and seeking a return to the world of teaching.

Never would have predicted that back when I was a 23 year old having a panic attack in the hallway before teaching that first time.

Photo credit: pixabay.

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