Coming Out of the Closet. I am ...steemCreated with Sketch.

in #steemit6 years ago

Have you ever been less than perfectly honest? Regrettably, I have, and this article is ... a confession.

You see ... I've been living a lie. And a pretty big one at that.

In my own defense, I had my reasons and none of them were malicious. I was only trying to protect myself from the trials and tribulations of the world ... for, I promise you, the world can be cold and uncomforting. But, as the maxim goes, "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction."

Nothing is free.

And that includes a price to be paid for denying who and what you are.

For denying Your Truth.

And so, after much soul-searching, I've decided to come clean.

To come out of the closet. I am ...



... Satoshi.


I know this will come as a shock to many of you. 

"Not QuillFire!!! He was always so ... poor! Just a filthy Plankton with a $0.01 upvote."

Well ... I was pretending. I'm actually filthy rich.

I know, I know ... a lot of you are feeling deceived by my duplicity. Even betrayed. And friends ... you have every right to be angry. I didn't trust you with the truth. I could have DM'd you. You would have kept my secret.

I'm am truly sorry ... and beg you to give me a chance to explain.

Once Bitcoin started taking off, my life changed ... dramatically. Beautiful women started throwing themselves at me. Everyone started telling me how brilliant I was, how I was changing the world. At first, I'll admit, it was a heady experience. Who doesn't like being compared to Euler? And who can honestly say he objects to his lawn being littered with the naked and nubile?  

But then I started to notice the dark underbelly of my success.

All those naked women ... wanted Lambos. 

Not Corollas or Altimas, eminently more practical cars ... but bloody Lambos. And they wanted me to pay for the gas and insurance too.

Did they really want me for me ... or was it just my money? 

I started asking some tough questions ... and I didn't like the answers. Did I really possess a body like Adonis? Was my manhood really longer than that of a horse? Was I really smarter than Archimedes, Aristotle and Einstein combined?

I decided to go to ground. To disappear. To discover who "Satoshi" really was. 

And so, I sold everything except my mansion in Hawaii and my red Ferrari. To make sure they stayed safe in my absence, I did a deal with a PI, trading room and board for perimeter security. I locked my Bitcoin Owner Keys in a bank safety deposit box and embarked upon a Voyage of Self-Discovery. 

A Journey of Self-Exploration. 

... I bought a KIA Sedona and became a Life Coach. 

I created a website offering my services. Slim pickings. So, I SEO'd the site for greater search engine exposure. Still, nothing. I even wrote an E-Book for Millennials: "Coddle Yourself Into Crisis"($4.99 on Amazon). As it turns out, no one but New Age lunatics think that "Life Coach" is an actual profession. And, as it turns out ... New Age lunatics don't have any money. 

Eventually, I stumbled upon Steemit. Although I'd sworn off cryptocurrencies, I thought I could approach them from the other side. As a mere mortal, instead of as a deity. And so, I opened an account: 

QuillFire.

I became a poet.

If the world poopoos on Life Coaches ... it positively pisses on Poets.

Nevertheless, I persevered, alliterating at every opportunity. I published one beautiful poem after another. All in the hopes of being discovered by a whale. To no avail. (Whale, avail ... did you catch that? It's a gift few appreciate.) My post-payouts were a pittance. I noticed that a lot of people were making bread by making bread ... so I tried my hand at a cuisine post. 



Quill's Whale Tail Stew ... $0.19.


If I'm being honest, I was getting a bit lonely and starting to pine for female companionship. And so, I created a post:

I thought it was quite sincere, even poignant, and would generate a bit of interest.

Seven upvotes, $0.78 payout ... and 1 comment.

@shadow3scalpel (51)
Beep! Beep! @shadow3scalpel at your service. I am here to assist all military members on Steemit. This HumVee will be scouting posts from a list of Veterans that is maintained by @chairborne. If you are a Veteran and new to Steemit, and you have questions or want to join the Veterans community, reply to this comment. We got your six, unless you are in the rear with the gear. Ooh-Rah!

A Veterans' Group message-bot.

"Ooh-Rah!" lacked the intimacy for which I yearned.

Things weren't turning out the way I'd hoped. And so, a few weeks ago, I reappraised my situation ... and what I discovered ... surprised me.

I wanted my f***ing Lambos back! And all those naked girls too. And there's a dufus Witness here on Steemit I want to downvote into oblivion.

What had I been thinking?

I had been Living the Dream!

And hence, I began selling Bitcoins so I could buy in big on Steemit. Admittedly, in my newfound enthusiasm, I may have overdone it ... crashing the price of Bitcoin by a thousand bucks and taking the alt-coins with it.

My bad.

In any event, while it may take me a bit longer than anticipated to make the switch, rest assured I will soon be swinging from the chandeliers and STEEM will be trading at $1,000.

There's a new Sheriff in town.

Girls ... DM me.


Quill (Satasohi)


You guys know the drill. Be verbose ... but articulate.

And remember ...

Go Love A Starving Poet

For God's sake ... they're starving!


Sort:  

Hi quillfire,

Thank you for your entry in to #comedyopenmic comedy contest. We have asked the judges below to review your entry and give it a funny rating. (They generally have no sense of humor, as the saying goes, those that can't do, start contests and judge).
This will determine your ultimate position when the results are tallied. (That being said, you are free to adopt any position you wish - we can recommend pantsless with beer in hand.)

Judges:

If you have any questions or queries please feel free to contact one of the judges or come say hi in discord: Click Here

Click To Vote @ComedyOpenMic For Witness And Disrupt The Steem Blockchain With Laughter!
Support COM Banner

Thank you to @matytan for the great banner

@comedyschool

... They [the judges] generally have no sense of humor ...

Well, this makes me feel better as I have no sense of humor either. Of course, I also have no sense of smell ... which, in case you're interested, has some interesting ramifications as discussed here:

https://steemit.com/steemitbloggers/@quillfire/10-random-things-about-me-french-forign-legion-fatherhood-and-flatulence

Quill

I'm one of those with no sense of humour, but this post cracked me up..
Not sure where that puts me? lol
I will contact you via Discord, I don't need a lambo or ferari , a random car is fine by me!
Thanks in advance Satoshi!

@anouk.nox,

That's a $5,000 comment! As my Bitcoin stash hasn't yet arrived, I'll make a wallet transfer when it does. Fair?

Quill (Satoshi)

Deal! I'm sure I can buy a car good enough for that amount of money, no worries! I never had a 5000 dollar car anyway, so it's always an improvement!

I will be waiting, patiently.. just make sure it arrives before Christmas, will ya? :)

@anouk.nox,

The checks in the mail.

Quill (Satoshi)

Thank you kindly!

Don't Kill Satoshi ok? :)

I'm not a girl, but I can pretend to be one of you will give me a lambo!

Better still, I have two girls (three of you count my wife), that I could swap for lambos!

@bengy,

Guffawing Out Loud.

Is it all three for one Lambo ... or one Lambo each? Name your price, sir (and colors too ... for some reason, Yellow Lambos cost more).

Quill (Satoshi)

Bleah!!!! Yellow is a disgusting colour for a car... Black is the way to go, just like all my tech products and dark themes for everything! Black hints at subtle and contained power, not flashy wastefulness!

... but alas... my wife said I'm not allowed to trade the girls in for cars, I think she is saving them up for something more expensive... either that or she will be the first that I trade in!

@bengy,

Yellow is a disgusting colour for a car... Black is the way to go, just like all my tech products and dark themes for everything! Black hints at subtle and contained power, not flashy wastefulness!

Ah, insight, maturity ... wisdom. We need more guys like you running this show. @bengy for Top 20 Witness.

BTW, sorry to hear that the wife's being so intransigent. Maybe just one of the girls, then? Women can be so impractical. Either that ... or she really drives a hard bargain. What if I throw in a spare set of tires?

Quill (Satoshi)

Top 20? I want to be Witness #0. The original....

Sure, I think if I trade in the wife, then the resistance is also gone... bonus on the wheels too!

Bastard! I'm going to hard fork chain and go and play by myself...

Woot woot.

I read and read it intensely to realise at the end it is for comedyopenmic.

Brilliant flow of thoughts. Haha

You've got me!

@iamjadeline,

I worked very hard to "get you" ... so I'm very glad that I did. :-)

Quill (Satoshi)

Sweet, I know a celebrity after all! If I send you my Bitcoin wallet, will you send me a couple hundred in BTC?

Funny story, well done.

@dollarsandsense,

I sold all my Bitcoin ... it's all gone into buying STEEM. Soon, my QuillFire USD$135 STEEM wallet will be worth millions. YOU, like all other Steemians, are about to become VERY VERY RICH.

Trust me.

Quill (Satoshi)

Aaahahah Hilarious!!!🤣🤣🤣

Posted using Partiko Android

Haha. That explains everything. It feels good to have befriended satoshy not knowing it was Satoshy.
I wont ask you for a lambo, just bring the price of steem to 1000.

@hlezama,

Mate, I'm sending you an electric generator and 1,000 cans of beans!

It's pretty bad when $1.00 looks like Nirvana, isn't it?

It's not just Bitcoin's collapse that's causing our pain, though. STEEM/Steemit has an underlying economy. It has the ability to, at least partially, insulate itself from the vagaries of Bitcoin's ups and downs. But all the Whale/Witness orchestrated vote-buying and vote-rigging (bid-bots, multiple-account-self-upvoting, etc.) prevents the critical "curation dynamics" (self-reinforcing feedback loops) from occurring. "Quality content" is no more valuable that utter crap and so the Central Premise of the blockchain ... died.

We did this to ourselves.

How low will the price have to go before Whales/Witnesses decide some common-sense reforms have to be adopted. My guess is that they'll take it to zero. Make no mistake: The crypto-anarcho ideology that pervades the world of cryptocurrencies is every bit as delusional and destructive as the one that has ruined Venezuela ... what SHOULD BE one of the wealthiest countries on the planet.

Once ANY philosophy becomes a religion ... requiring faith, not facts ... it's all over but the crying.

Quill (Satoshi)

That's a very inconvenient and sad truth. That's what we call in spanish "apostar a perdedor" (betting on the losing team). In this case, it looks like the big players are driving the bus towards the cliff, remote (re-bot?).

@hlezama,

"apostar a perdedor (betting on the losing team)"

I'd be willing to bet that that expression derives from the world of South American soccer. One would be hard-pressed to name a human endeavor in which belief is more divorced from supporting evidence.

"WE'RE THE BEST!!!"

"You've haven't won one game in the last 100."

"We're going to kick their asses!!!"

I guess there's a few ideologies we just have to forgive. :-)

Quill (Satoshi)

Haha. I guess the argentinian fans have a lot to say about that. They are redefining hooliganism. We have to come up with a term for them, maybe "riverbocanism"

Lolz. See, your problems started when you started to ask yourself questions...never ask questions coz you just might find out things you never wanted to know!

@old-guy-photos,

Well, Ol' Guy, that's what's called the Central Premise for a School of Philosophy ... a First Principle Truth ... an axiomatic insight. If this whole blogging gig doesn't work out, maybe you ought to consider becoming a ... "Life Coach."

Quill (Satoshi)

Money for nothing and the tricks are free comes to mind, enjoyed reading your quip so thanks for visiting and leading me astray, wonderful wondering, sleeping with your eyes open....

@joanstewart,

:-)

Quill (Satoshi)

Have you ever been less than perfectly honest?

Anyone who say's no, is a liar!
Honesty is down right rude and hurtful at times.
I enjoyed this very much, funny bastard.
Ps We have a kia, the first car we bought new, felt like winners lol

@girlbeforemirror,

I have a KIA Sedona ... the most poorly built automobile since the Yugo. Being a KIA owner ... builds character.

I'm getting really concerned about the price of Bitcoin and cryptocurrencies. I guess I should have liquidated my stash more slowly.

Oops.

Quill (Satoshi)

Lololoololol! :-) Very good! I came here via your link on my post and was expecting a serious breakdown of why Bitcoin was tanking. I then thought, oh, ok, he's going to explain through the gift of comedy!

I particularly like:

As it turns out, no one but New Age lunatics think that "Life Coach" is an actual profession. And, as it turns out ... New Age lunatics don't have any money.

🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂

You're killing me!

Cg

@cryptogee,

You know, this is as good an explanation of why Bitcoin's tanking as any I've yet read. :-)

With STEEM currently at $0.39, it's important we keep telling jokes so as to distract us from Googling "noose-knot tying."

Quill (Satoshi)

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