Experiencing God (A spiritual journey with XtrodinaryPilot) part 3

xtrodinarypilot (66)in #spirituality • 7 years ago

Today is Sunday and I found it fitting for another installment of my "Experiencing God" journey. Previously there was a seed of doubt that was planted. That seed of doubt was nurtured by bigotry within my own family. Then I was introduced to someone that wanted me to look beyond what I was being taught.

I ended part 2 with words by Jalaluddin Rumi which would signal growth, but my adolescence had other plans for me. Just as my 5 year old mind found it hard to comprehend the biblical concept of an omniscient God, my teenage mind, was filled with rebellious animosity. This picture below was taken by my wife when we were in the 11th grade.

I am wearing a DEICIDE shirt. Deicide means the killing of a deity or god. The shirt is in support of a Florida-based death metal band whose music could only be described as anti-christian at best. At the same time my wife was active in CSU (christian student union) and BOC (blood of Christ) student organizations. Remember the nerds vs the jocks? Our school had the Christians vs Anti-Christians. It was never anything violent or harsh. It was very intellectual and welcoming from both sides. I even had an evening with my wife where she was trying to give me her "testimony" and showing genuine concern for my soul. In Catholicism you are to receive the Sacrament of Confirmation around this age. I tried to have one last talk with my parents and explain that I knew in my heart that I was not ready to receive this sacrament because I still had questions and doubt. They told me that if I did not go through with this sacrament, they would not sign my driver's permit and that I would have to wait until I turned 18. They also threanted to top giving me a ride to work. Self preservation came to mind and I reluctantly told the church that I would devote my life to Catholicism although I do remember crossing my fingers (true story). To briefly summarize my 4 years of highschool, I was never receptive of any sort of religious affiliation . I intentionally rejected it all, but those words of Jalaluddin Rumi continued to ring in back of my head.

As my life continued to go through the motions of school, work, sleep, and repeat, I had a moment. My neighbor, the FBI Agent gave me books which I hadn't finished reading. Looking through the books we had a torrential downpour that knocked out the electricity. I started lighting candles and grabbed a book that I have never read. This obscure, soft back book was reminiscent of a journal of sorts. The exterior was not very welcoming. With a storm as my backdrop, I opened this book and began to read...

Siddhartha by Herman Hesse

FIRST PART

To Romain Rolland, my dear friend

THE SON OF THE BRAHMAN

In the shade of the house, in the sunshine of the riverbank near the boats, in the shade of the Sal-wood forest, in the shade of the fig tree is where Siddhartha grew up, the handsome son of the Brahman, the young falcon, together with his friend Govinda, son of a Brahman. The sun tanned his light shoulders by the banks of the river when bathing, performing the sacred ablutions, the sacred offerings. In the mango grove, shade poured into his black eyes, when playing as a boy, when his mother sang, when the sacred offerings were made, when his father, the scholar, taught him, when the wise men talked. For a long time, Siddhartha had been partaking in the discussions of the wise men, practicing debate with Govinda, practicing with Govinda the art of reflection, the service of meditation. He already knew how to speak the Om silently, the word of words, to speak it silently into himself while inhaling, to speak it silently out of himself while exhaling, with all the concentration of his soul, the forehead surrounded by the glow of the clear-thinking spirit. He already knew to feel Atman in the depths of his being, indestructible, one with the universe.

That was the first paragraph and I was hooked. I suddenly latched on to the character Siddhartha and recognized my struggle within him. I devoted the next few hours to slowly taking in the characters spiritual journey. The ups and the downs were all so familiar. 152 pages later I was disappointed. How in the hell could this be it? It's not fair that Herman Hesse writes this novel on Gautama Buddha and leaves me wanting more. Is there not a Siddhartha sequel? Unfortunately, there was no sequel. What I realized was that I had put in way too much effort to hate and reject Christianity, something which I had to admit that I knew nothing about. I didn't know why people felt saved and had a personal connection with Christ. I did not take the time to stop and listen intently to their spiritual experience. Once I did that, I came to the realization that I was not rejecting others but I was rejecting myself. I was avoiding facing my own spiritual doubts. A seed of doubt is planted, a tree of hope grows, but will it produce fruit?