The Ayahuasca Diaries: Why I Believe in God

in spirituality •  last month

Over the years, I've built a relationship with the divine...to which I then destroyed, rebuilt, destroyed again, and finally rebuilt with a very strong foundation that I can happily say is now untouchable.

When I was growing up, my family had this blind faith in Christianity. I'd always ask my mom, "How do you know this [the bible] is real? To which she would reply, "I just know."

My mother was my biggest influence, the person I trusted the most. So if she knew this, then it had to be true. But though I believed in God, I didn't really feel the presence of God when I was growing up. When I was a teenager, darkness seemed to follow me everywhere I went. I had more encounters with demons than I ever did with God. These troubled years got so bad that I started to believe that there was only such a thing as hell, and God was just a fairy tale I'd never get to know.

Jim Carrey said it best in his movie Bruce Almighty:

"God is a mean little kid on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant."

In 2010 I watched Zeitgeist for the first time, and my whole world was flipped upside right. The bible was the greatest story ever told. I was irate that I had spent my whole life following some silly story. I was irate that my mother and every other Christian never questioned it. It was then I started to question the existence of God.


2011

In 2011, something magical happened to me. And when I say magical, I mean MAGICAL. I had a fascinating spiritual awakening that I still, to this day, cannot put into words. In the most poetic way I can say this, I was gifted new eyes to see. I quit my job because my connection to the divine was so powerful, and I couldn't concentrate on anything else. For months, I'd sleep all day and stay up all night to watch the stars. After an 11 month period of this magical build-up, I had learned every star system in the sky, and knew exactly where their placements would be during the winter and summer months. I was absolutely, without a doubt in my mind, connecting with God for the first time in my life. I'd channel his/her presence during my waking hours, and dream about the presence in my sleep.

In 2013, I moved to Milwaukee, WI (which I'll say is quite possibly the most toxic place in the United States for anyone who is going through a spiritual awakening). My channel became closed and I started drinking heavily. I was depressed and lost my spiritual connection, as if it was just a phase that I needed to grow out of.

In 2014, I met the man I'd spend two years of my life with. He was an atheist, and if I tried to bring up anything in a spiritual sense, he'd call it silly. Eventually, I somehow believed my experience was silly too, and I too became an atheist. It was easier at that time than being judged for believing in something that others can't see, I guess. I can't explain how empty my life was at this point of my existence. It was emptier than empty.


This picture was taken in 2015, and I post it because I remember the emptiness and sadness I was feeling during this day, which also explains the way I felt during most of this period without my spirituality.

In 2016, I sat with Ayahuasca for the first time. I remember her telling me, "You need to go back to everything that you were during your 2011 experience. You were on the right path." In that ceremony, I saw everything that I had channeled during my spiritual awakening to be true in my heart. And from that point, I decided to leave my spiritually mundane existence in the desert to continue my path to spiritual healing.

2017: Whoa

I have spent almost half of my year in the Amazon jungle working with the precious medicine of Ayahuasca. This magnificent brew has given me insight to worlds that exist right next to us that we don't know or understand. Many skeptics go into ayahuasca thinking she is just another drug. They come out in amazement, being shown the cosmos and recieving healing they couldn't find anywhere else. I've talked to so many people who didn't believe in God who have come out of ceremony with a whole new perception as to who God really is.

In the beginning of my 3 month apprenticeship (which started in April), I started to notice this tingling feeling on the right side of my temple. It started to annoy the ever living God out of me, and for nearly two months, I did everything I could to try to shut it down and make it stop. Occasionally the sensation would become so intense that I literally would just hold my head for hours, ironically praying to God to make it stop.

At one point, I thought "maybe it's an antenna to some planet that needs to be straightened and cleaned." So I eventually told my shaman that I had an antenna to another planet that I wanted cleaned and possibly taken off (shamans have heard everything under the sun when it comes to energies, so this isn't even that crazy, trust me). At the end of my song, my shaman told me "I very clearly saw your antenna, and it's not an antenna to another planet...it's your connection to God."

What is so interesting about this little antenna of mine is that even out of the jungle, I am extremely sensitive to the sensations on the right side of my head. When I pray or meditate, it starts tingling like crazy.

In my most recent Ayahuasca ceremony, I actually got to see this "antenna." This connection is directly connected to everything and then circles back to me. It was so beautiful to witness that because I realize that when I talk to God, or vice versa, it's like music to every cell in my body, healing not only me but also my ancestors. Everything is connected because God is inside of all of us.

But wait, there's more.

I've talked to God, on many occasions.

Most religions depict God as this jealous, angry man in the sky who spites anyone who makes a mistake and sends them into an eternal damnation of hellfire. I think this is ridiculous and could also see why people stop believing in God due to such nonsense. That is not God.

When God speaks to me, the energy behind it is so kindred, so kind, so loving and almost child-like.

1.

In one ceremony, I was working on my business plan. I had the energy out on a table while asking questions on how to make it the best it could be...when all of the sudden these lower energies got into my plans. I started to panic. My career is like my child that I take extreme delicate care of because it involves the healing of others. Out of the blue, the voice I know to be God's said;

"You know, when you feel that you are unable to protect something you hold dear to your heart, you can always give it to me and I'll protect it for you." My antenna was tingling like crazy. Those words gave me such comfort in a time of panic.

2.

Another time I talked to God in ceremony was when I was reviewing my teenage years. I said to God, "why did you leave me during such times of turmoil?" Instantly I was taken back to a time when I was sixteen years old, crying on my bedside in a sea of darkness. I saw my chest light up, and God said, "I was right here." I cried like a baby.

3.

In my last ceremony in Peru, I sang to God. I felt the presence so strongly and could feel the energy like it was a dear friend who I loved and cared for. At the end of my song, I got a simple yet profound "thank you" as a reply.

4.

This is the most profound time God spoke to me, and has completely changed my perception of the world as I know it.

In my 11th ceremony, I was fighting off demons. I was told by some sort of force: "Don't you see, silly girl? Everything you love, everything you fight, everything you find beautiful or ugly lies inside of You."

I was then flipped inside out as I lay there unable to move, watching the patterns of my inner being dance to the song that held both tunes of dark and light. "God is in both the dark and the light."

This made me mad. I slammed my hand on the ground and said, "Then why? Why is there suffering? Why are their people starving? Why oh why do we live in a tyrannical society where our government feeds off of our suffering? If you are all mighty and powerful, why can't we just live in peace?" God didn't answer me right away. I had to ask three times.

But finally, what I truly believe to be God answered me, and in the most child-like voice said;

"I'm learning."

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I loved when you said "I'm learning" in your speech at Anarchapulco. It gives this very different perspective on Divinity. We're told that the Divine is in all of us, that It lives in our hearts. If that's true, of course It must be having this human experience of growing. This is a Process, something each of us has the responsibility to create.

Thanks for sharing

Thank you for sharing this story. I have also had an amazing journey with ayahuasca and I'm not sure to what extent I wish to share those with a public audience, it's so personal isn't it? I'm going to go and think about that line "I'm learning". May we all learn, learn to nurture our spiritual connection and how to enact it in our lives. And ayahuasca is a powerful teacher, that guides us to our own learning. And maybe our lights will emanate and unite, influence the vibrations of those around us that we can all learn together.

If God exists, I cannot believe he is this goodly thing of goodness... He has to be something more. There is the problem of evil in the world, evil that I’m sure you’ve experienced from the looks of this post. It’s the same problem Christianity faces: How can an all good God coexist with evil?

It's unfortunate that so many people who awaken to the manipulatve sham that is "big religion" then seem to turn their backs on all spirituality. I'm reminded of the old Sanskrit motto, adopted by The Theosophical Society, "there is no religion higher than truth" because, at the end of the day, the only truth that really matters is the one that resonates with us personally.

  1. "...the ever living God out of me"
    I LOVE that phrase. I will be stealing it no questions asked.

  2. "...and God said, "I was right here." I cried like a baby."
    This is the sweetest, most profound thing i've read this week. It resonates deeply.

  3. "This made me mad. I slammed my hand on the ground and said, "Then why? Why is there suffering? Why are their people starving? Why oh why do we live in a tyrannical society where our government feeds off of our suffering? If you are all mighty and powerful, why can't we just live in peace?"
    The quality with which we ask these set of questions brings so many people into our out of spirituality. When these questions are asked from an insincere or immature place they lead to nihilism and when asked in a humble way they lead in the exact opposite direction. Love that you added it.

  4. "But finally, what I truly believe to be God answered me, and in the most child-like voice said;
    "I'm learning." "
    :')

  5. That last picture from 2017 is so radiant. In it you remind me of a younger Pema Chodron. Pema is a western Tibetan Buddhist nun, she had a spiritual journey that in someways may be similar to yours.

That was a great story. I can relate to the journey of discovering that connection. I'm listening to an audiobook now, in which it expresses the idea that it is that initial launching of ourselves into the spiritual life that often have us falling back to earth with a bump. It is like being earth bound and then finding yourself flying and suddenly being afraid of heights.

Thanks for sharing from the heart.

That was beautiful...

Great Article! This should blow your mind...it did mine.

I can relate to your story so much. I wish I could say I have finally found a path or faith in something after my disillusionment with Christianity. I'm glad you have found yours. Thanks for sharing.

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Just a suggestion, start with yourself. Take some time, if you dont already, to become really quiet and just ask yourself "how can I be living my highest purpose today".

Dont worry about the answer because the point is to keep asking the question as deeply as you can. Try doing this as often as you can (id recommend once a day) for a month. You may not find the path external to yourself but your connection to what your inner self wants will grow. And that connection manifests everything :)

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Thank you for this. I will try it along with my meditation on "I AM" practice.

Om. Thanks for sharing. I recently went through a spiritual awakening myself. I stayed five months in an ashram doing the hard work of a disciplined schedule from 5:30 to 21:00 with hours of meditation along with hours of hatha yoga. It was such a great experience to have the time to dig deep into onesself and connection with the universe. I will one day try a ceremony much like yours.

HIGHLY rEsteemed!

Imgur

i see the law of attraction. everyone gets what they ask for, everytime.

old patterns are being passed down, this are cycling arounded making a mess.

I see use waking up and taking hold of our imaginations and realizing we are creating all of it, nothing is not doing all that is.

so in a way, we are learning. we are learning how to live within a realm that is not nearly so fatalistic as once believed.

i feel you, sister. i had goosebumps reading your journey. this is usually happening to me when something is TRUE. you are very brave to share your visions out load. i find mine very intimate, or maybe i am just an introvert. or maybe that is your way - to express the experience. let's stay connected! <3 i will definitely want to read more of your journeys.