Little Cherine Book 01 - BPost004
“This is going to sound crazy. Even I cannot believe it, but there is no other explanation.” A thought occurred to me, “One more question before I explain myself. The very first time you came to my garden, why did you come? You have told me the caretaker had warned you to stay away from me.”
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“I just knew I had to come. But I was really scared.”
“Your instincts were right,” I teased, pulling a face.
She missed the point or just ignored the teasing. “I haaad to come to you. Also that time you were drunk. I could feel something very, very bad was going to happen to you. I was really scared.”
“It’s okay baby. Remember the day that silly man knocked you over by the kiosk? Remember how I was there to pick you up and look after you?” She gulped, but just stared at me, her face pale. “When you got knocked over, you were afraid, do you remember what your first thoughts were? Did you cry for your mummy, in your mind?”
“No. I wanted my daddy to come.”
“And you were thinking of me, as your daddy I mean?”
“Noo…it was like I was thinking of my real daddy, but I was wanting you to come.”
“I was sitting working at my computer when I jumped up and ran out to the street to you. I did not know why I was running. I just felt it was urgent, I had to.”
As I raised my hand to cup her face, before she could have seen it, her face tilted to fit my hand. This tiny movement, an almost unimportant accommodation that I would normally have missed, finally convinced me. “You just did it again. No, don’t be afraid, I should have said, we did it again. As I thought of moving my hand to your face you made your face ready for me. Wow, this is unbelievable. It’s fantastic!!”
“You are not cross with me?”
“Hey, don’t play games with me,” she smiled at me, delighted, “you can actually feel my happiness, can’t you? I knew it.” I was triumphant. This was pure magic. No wonder I’ve been losing control of myself! I think I was feeling dizzy as I tried to adapt to something this wonderful becoming a part of my life.
“There isn’t going to be time for you to do your homework. Sorry, but your teachers will just have to be cross with you. We must talk about this, we must both understand what is happening. There have been a number of clues for both of us, but this thing that is happening is too crazy, too impossible for us to have guessed it sooner. You have an uncanny ability to feel what I am feeling, you can feel the love I have for you, inside you, in your head maybe. Can’t you?”
“Yes. In my heart.” She looked happy, but still afraid for some reason, slightly withdrawn and reluctant to open herself fully to me. I felt she needed further explanations so that she would not fear what is so beautiful to me. I was so certain she is the child who cannot understand, while I am the adult who was wise enough to discover the magic in her, that I did not stop to think it through so as to see the whole truth, not just the tiny part I had seen; it is typical of how foolish I am.
“I do not have this gift. Or maybe, I did not. Cherine baby, people, in general, cannot know for sure that someone else loves them. They can say, because he or she does and says this and that, I believe they love me. But they can never ever know for sure. I could not. When I loved Dominique with all my heart she could not feel it. She did not even believe I did.”
“But I felt that you did. You still do.” Her eyes on me were not accusing, she was just stating a fact.
“Yes. It is difficult for me to stop loving. But you are not jealous, because you can feel how much stronger my love is for you. You know that you are all that matters to me, I would sacrifice anything for you.” I laughed. “Nicko would have a fit. He told me I lost Dominique because I showed her I loved her too much. He said I showed my love too much so that she ended up taking me and my love for her for granted. And here I have another female who knows, as no one else can, exactly how much I adore her and she still loves me. Yes, I know you will not ask me, you can sense it, but I have to tell you, I also can feel your love. I think you woke something in me so that I can also feel you. How wonderful to actually feel the love you feel for me. This is an amazing gift.” We sat staring into each others eyes silently for a while.
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The real truth only dawned on me slowly, almost as I spoke the words. “The first time I felt myself getting aroused by you, wanting you sexually, I could not understand or forgive myself. Cherine, I grew up thinking only a monster could do what I wanted to do with you that day. Normal grown ups don’t have sex with children. Yet something seemed to be pushing me on, making me feel it was okay because I loved you. I doubt you understand what a struggle it was for me to avoid harming you, spoiling your innocence. I have since that time, felt a terrible guilt. I have tried so hard to kill the need, but then, there are times when I am with you that I feel I cannot control myself. The feelings are so intense they are driving me out of my mind by the time you go home to your mother.”
I thought for a long time, while she, silent as has often been the case till then, watched me. I sensed that for the first time ever she is truly relaxed, at ease with me, as if some fear has been let go - or at least, is in the process of being let go.
“I think I can now explain how it works. I see you, I get a very small erotic feeling (a need to touch you say) and before I can suppress it, you feel it, you respond with a little feeling also, but you send it back to me. Now I feel it twice as strongly. That comes back to you, it makes you feel a bit extra, you send it back, all of it, and now I maybe also double it as my erotic needs start and I begin to ache for you. And so it goes, we keep building our feelings up until I feel there is no stopping myself. We are each building on the others’ ecstasy.”
Her hand reached out and touched my face. I looked at her and saw she knew what I was feeling, but I needed to speak the words. “I’m not a monster! I had no chance. All it needed was for me to love you and just once feel or think a slightly sexy feeling about you and bang! I was lost. No chance at all!”
I felt a terrible load drop off my shoulders.
“Cherine, my darling, my little girl, you are everything to me, but more than that, we were made for each other. This could never have happened if we were not. Oh god, we belong with each other - to each other. It can never be otherwise.” My heart was bursting not only with love, but also happiness. I now have someone I belong to without question.
“I told you I am going to marry you!” she said in a slightly bossy tone, but I could sense beneath it an exuberance, an unbelieving joy in her.
“That you did. You certainly did. I don’t have a say in it, do I?”
She laughed, “No.”
“Okay, guess I’ll just have to then.” I pretended resignation and giggling she put her arms around me.
I started laughing and explained to Cherine, when she gave me a puzzled look, “I suddenly had the thought that I would have been really messed up if you had been a boy and you felt this way about me.” I think I caught her by surprise for the first time and she got the hysterical giggles and kept on making funny comments, vastly amused by what she was imagining.
Once she’d settled down, we were silent a while and though I was deep in thought, still trying to come to terms with what was happening, to second-guess the ramifications, to rejoice in this gift, I felt a growing pain and grief coming to me and I realised it was not my own. Before I could ask, Cherine began to sob. I did not have to ask her, I knew it had to do with her father, but maybe I was wise enough to realise she must tell me. I asked her to.
“I’ve been wishing for so long that somebody would feel the same way I do. I tried to make my daddy feel what I was feeling, make him come back to me and he got scared and crashed his car. I killed him.” I let her sob, I could sense she needed me to be there for her, but not to speak yet. “My mummy used to hate me when daddy cuddled me and said he loved me. I could feel her wishing I was not there. But she also loves me, I don’t understand. When daddy died, she blamed me inside her. She must have known I killed him. I didn’t want to, Robert, I didn’t want to.”
I held her, her pain raining into my heart. I tried to let my ‘aperanto’ love wash over her, try to let it seep into her heart, into all those empty lonely heartbroken corners of her soul. As she felt me her agony faded and, as usual, she fell asleep. I understood now that she falls asleep at moments when she cannot handle her feelings. I thought, how terrible it must have been to be the only person who can see in a world of blind people.
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Until this day, when I had thought of people discovering they have psychic gifts, I’d imagined it was a source of pure joy for them. After all, it means they have taken one more step in the evolution of our species and it just has to be wonderful for them to know they are the first. As with so many things I believe, I was now starting to understand that I am naïve and romantic and life is nothing as simple and beautiful as I’ve thought - everything given us, even if it brings great joy, also demands a price of us. I wondered what courage will be demanded of the two of us as we grow more open to each other - and I did not have the wisdom to doubt myself.
I gave some deep thought to our problems. I believed my love for her and the gift which has flowered from my side will help to heal a lot of her wounds, but I also do not have the knowledge or experience to help rid her of all the scars. We need professional help. How, where? I can never tell anyone of our special gift, nor can I explain the flowering sexual side of our relationship (mostly theoretical till now) which I can already sense she will control, not me. Her gift, her power, it is far, far more powerful than the little that has awakened in me and I already know I will not be able to refuse her anything she really wants. What I (or we) will end up doing is a criminal offence, both legally and socially - and according to my own morals. No judge, no jury can ever understand our special relationship, our special needs, just as any priest would condemn our love and loving and sharing of minds and hearts as being unnatural. But I cannot allow her to continue to blame herself for her fathers’ death, it is not a pain or guilt anyone should have to bear. I must find another way, even if it does cost me dearly.
Chapter Eleven
I had the belief that there might be a way to exercise our gift so that it grows stronger. I knew that Cherine is far more powerful than I am, and will probably always be, for with her it is a natural gift and she started from before she was born, but I did not and never will envy her; I would not dare to, as she would pick it up from me. It was more of a case of me being overwhelmingly grateful to her for helping to open my mind to her. What I did want though is to learn how to control it. The life of an adult, even just the daily problems, should not be her burden also - oddly, it never crossed my mind that she should not share my emoting because of my being a male, just the age related problems worried me. I did not always know whether my moods were mine or spin-offs from Cherine and I was not too clear about how I was affecting my miracle baby.
I now also felt that renting my office near her school might not have been such a brilliant move. I was not able to specify at which distance the gift fades, if it does, but by being close to her, I am ensuring she feels everything I feel or do.
We did discuss it, but, as a child, she had long since accepted her gift as a natural part of her which has very limited use, as she had not found anyone else with the same gift until now. I was able to extrapolate a few side effects of the gift - or so I considered them. For instance, she could recall her memories from when she was a baby, though she was not clear how soon after being born. Mostly those she recalled were memories of feelings she sensed from other people. She does not recall sensing the emotions of her mother and father, but I think that she accepted them as a normal part of her life and so did not store them in her long term memories.
Unfortunately there did not seem to be many ways to test or exercise the gift. Neither of us had the ability to block or consciously project as far as I knew. If either of us has an emotion, especially if it is related to the other, it is passed on. If either of us has a strong emotion, it passes on whether it is related or not. The main difference, apart from the gift originating from her, was that I could only pick up some of her emotions from her while her ability is far more extended.
After analysing her childish understanding of it, I came to realise she often receives signals that do not affect her emotions per se; for example, she finds herself attracted or repulsed by people without meeting them, just by walking past them, which I came to attribute to her subconscious being able to sift from the general content of the other persons emotions clues as to their personality. This was a flattering theory for me, so I was happy to adopt it without needing proof.
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I suggested we spend a few hours every week mingling among the crowds, so as to practice sensing them. I was not hoping for our gift to grow stronger, I wanted to first have it grow deeper into us so that we learn how to sense the nuances, not just the broad strokes of emoting. I don’t think Cherine understood what I was hoping to achieve, but I was not worried about it, as she is already far stronger than me and probably is at the stage I want to arrive at.
Our first conscious attempt was at the Floka patisserie, which is fairly close to the office. After school it gets busy for about an hour and there are more than the usual number of children present. I first asked Cherine to try and sense what differences there are between the sensing of emoting of children and adults. She told me the emoting differs, but not the accessibility; that both just ‘are’. I had thought adults would be more difficult because of their more negative emoting. Cherine tried and found she could help me vaguely sense the emoting of others from or through her. I could not sense anything directly; even people I know, I am blind to.
I was surprised to find the emoting of people walking the streets is different from those who are sitting at a coffee shop. It made sense once I gave it some thought. Those walking, for example, their thoughts tend to be more involved with where they are going, what they want to buy and whether they can afford it. At coffee shops, most thoughts tend to be dedicated to analysing everyone else and, often, being critical of them, even their friends. I’d always thought the crowds at the coffee shops are there because they are enjoying themselves!
“Most of your life Cherine, when you are amongst people, I take it you have developed a way of blocking most of their emoting?”
“Yes, I have to. Not really blocking them, I don’t know how to, but I make their feelings weaker so that I don’t have to feel them like they do”
I nodded. “I can imagine you do, or else they would drive you crazy. The reason I’m asking, my love, is because you are having to experience a lot of emoting of all kinds because of our crazy experiments. Cherine, I know I am only feeling a fraction of what you do, so I am going to have to ask for your promise that as soon as it tires you or becomes unpleasant, you’ll tell me and we stop.”
She helped me sense a few of the minds she likes and some that she does not. Even with my limited abilities I was surprised at how strong the difference is. Cherine was so happy to be sharing with me that even the bad ones could not dampen her enthusiasm. She grinned. “Some minds are not like the others, here, tell me what you feel.”
I casually ‘sat back’, ready for a surprise, then when I sensed nothing, I began to strain. She was fairly chortling with glee so I asked her why I could not feel anything.
“Because I can’t. I don’t know why, since they do feel emotions. I followed one who was like this and I saw him feel some emotions, but I still could not feel him.”
I was intrigued, but knew we must not push too hard. I shrugged, “It’s early days love, I think we have a lot to learn - and to me, what is the most wonderful of all is that we will be learning together.”
Her eyes seemed to glow. When she was about to return to her mother, she told me, “There are some people I cannot feel their emotions, but I can get from them a sort of…impression of how they feel…some of them, even of what they are like - it is the way I feel Alki.” I was dizzy with excitement, learning something new often enough for my enthusiasm to keep soaring. It is why I did not ask for more details about Alki. Maybe I also felt more comfortable with the idea that his mind is not open to us; I don’t want to pry in the mind of anyone I know.
Alki does a lot of travelling; from what I know, he used to be abroad at least five months a year. It has now been four months since his last trip and I’ve noticed he is visiting us fairly often. Since it has not been for meeting Marian, I suspect it is for the pleasure of being with Cherine. Watching her with Alki, I saw and sensed that the knowledge of the man I garnered over time, she picked up from their first meeting and it is wonderful to see the rapport between them. I knew she has not only picked up from me my feelings towards him, as I have even stronger feelings for Nicko, yet she is not drawn to my friend at all. I can no longer blame jealousy for her avoidance of him, as she has over time become quite friendly towards Dominique. I’m pleased that Dominique has also softened her attitude towards Cherine, though she mostly makes the mistake of treating her like a child of eight. Cherine notices, but is only amused and hams it up if she is in the mood to tease.
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I had made it clear from a long while back that Cherine is free to phone anyone, anywhere, without asking me. It happened that she did not have anyone to call for a long time. Though she has her mothers’ office number, she did not call her even once. Her first calls were to her new friend Maria-Elena and I left her to their privacy so that they can chat about their own interests. One day, at my office, after school and after finishing her homework, she dialled and I was caught by surprise.
“Kalispera,” she greeted, “can I talk to Dominique?” They must have asked who wants her. “Tell her it is Cherine, the fiancé of Roberto.”
“Cherine!!” I exclaimed, but she smiled, shrugged and turned her back to me. “Hello Dominique………no, there is no problem. I am worried about something and I need to talk to you alone. I know you are Roberts’ best friend and I also want to know what his best friend is really like. Maybe if I like you we can also become best friends………That would be nice, because you know that Robert is mine.”
Though she continued her conversation for a short time and they agreed to meet, with me included, she was very subdued and nervous. I was livid with anger and she picked it up and lost her self-confidence. When they closed I turned her to me.
“That was disgusting. How dare you do that! No, don’t you stare at me like that, I am angry, but not that you phoned her. Your first mistake was, you do not say ‘if I like you we can become friends’. You always say, ‘if you like me’. What you said was rude.” I could not help smiling though. “Look, your way may have been more honest, but it was not polite.” Sternly again I continued, “How dare you say that I am yours! That was damned presumptuous of you! I would never say you are mine, what gives you the right to say that to anybody else? Did I say you could?”
“You said you are mine.” I could hear from her timid voice she knew she was in the wrong, but was hoping I would accept her justification.
“And I am. But only I have the right to say so. Just as only you have the right to say you are mine. I do not! I can’t imagine what made you feel you have to establish rights over me with Dominique - and I don’t want to know, because I don’t like those kind of games, not between friends.”
“I also did something else bad, didn’t I?”
“Yes. Do you know what?”
“No.”
“You were rude to me. You should have first asked me if I would be free to meet her at the time you arranged. Again, you just presumed, because it was okay with you I must just come; I have no say in the matter?”
The strange thing about this gift of hers. My anger was not being fed to her and being returned to me. Instead she was crying. Just sitting there with tears streaming down her cheeks. I told myself, if I am to teach her, I must not let her tears touch me, she can sense it - and then I was kneeling by her, holding her in my arms. To hell with it. I was thinking as a normal person. She has felt my anger, it is not necessary to ‘discipline’ her by putting on a show of anger. I saw it is not necessary for me to restrain myself from reacting to her tears, for these were not just to appease me, I could feel her misery as she realised her mistakes. My outpouring of love, which she must have felt, did not seem to assuage her misery, they seemed to accentuate it. I had to stop this, it was hurting her for some reason beyond what I’d intended.
As I tried to think of what to say, she spoke softly into my shoulder. “You said you would never be angry with me. I could feel that you were very angry. It was not a nice angry.”
”No, it was not a nice angry. You are right, I was angry. But I have not really broken my promise.”
“You did!”
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“Hey, don’t argue with me my sweet magical little miss. I keep telling you, use your brains. Think about what I said. Did I say I would get angry if you did something that could hurt you? If you grow up, a rude and presumptuous person, will you have any friends? If you do not have friends you will have a miserable life. I cannot sit by and allow that to happen. Just like table manners, if you eat at home with your elbows on the table, you will do it outside your home. Just because you and I are so close that sometimes it feels like we are one, it does not mean we do not need to keep the rules of being polite and showing consideration for the other. It is also a way we show to the other that we respect them. Or maybe you do not respect me?”
“I do.”
“Oh? And why is that? Is it because I am older, or so handsome or clever?”
She sat a moment, considering my teasing question seriously. “No. None of those. I think it is because you always think of other people before you think of yourself.”
“You know what I think? I think you are getting too grown up for me. Tell me Cherine, it has just struck me that I may have been a little unfair to you. I’m just guessing, but I think you wanted to surprise me - and you sure did. Was that why you could not ask me beforehand?” I was deliberately giving her a life-line, a good excuse.
From the flood of relief and affirmation on her face and my ‘pick-up’ it worked. She knew I picked-up on her feelings and did not reply or even nod. Was this to become our new method of communication? I pondered it for a while and then explained to her what had happened and why I do not want this to be our normal method of communication. First of all, we will be making it obvious that there is something strange about us to everybody else. Secondly, maybe because I have not had this gift since childhood, I would miss the comfort of her nod or answer. I did tell her that there will be intimate moments when just the ‘pick-up’ will be all the communication necessary between us, at such times it may bring us even closer I think, so it will be okay.
I could not help wondering in what other ways I will have to adapt to her gift. I do not prize myself as I am, apart from my artistic talents, so the possibility did not bother me. I also have a feeling that in most ways these adaptations will be to our advantage, improving us as people and as a couple.
Often my method of teasing people, even children, is by making comments for their shock value. Being particularly sensitive to Dominiques’ suspicions, I made the mistake of censoring myself. They both, during conversation, said a number of things for which they expected a come-back from me which they did not get. The puzzlement in Cherine soon alerted me that I was acting out of character. I still tried to remain in the background, too nervous about acting natural, I actually wanted to walk away, let them have some time to themselves. Maybe that way, I consoled myself, they can get to know each other. My only problem was that I was afraid Dominique might try to ‘fish’ as to my relationship with Cherine.
In another situation, another person’s life, here is where I would say ‘as if she had read my mind…’, but I cannot use that phrase, since it is what happened. All I will say is she gave me an annoyed look.
“Robert, why don’t you take a walk, just for a little time. Dominique and me want to talk alone.”
Dominique was vastly amused to see me ordered around by this little chit of a girl; I decided I had no choice and left - with my tail between my legs. I’m becoming aware, almost daily that this is not going to be easy. I am trying to let Cherine spread her wings, build her self-confidence, but how do I prevent her from going to the other extreme? I could use the excuse that I was worried about her being able to socialise, but the truth is, I am more worried about our own relationship. She is becoming too bossy; cheeky I love, bossy I hate. If she is like this from now, what will she be like once an adult? Could it be I was thinking about this the wrong way round? Could this ‘gift’ have given her such a different perspective that I have to re-think all the rules I lived by? If so, does it mean I have to accept any changes I do not like or approve of? Maybe I am selfish, but I am determined not to let it be so.
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When you are expecting to be worried or have serious issues to resolve and you are being flooded by feelings that are growing stronger in incremental waves, it is difficult to guess what is going on and which are not yours. By the time I became aware of something being wrong, I had been walking for over half an hour. I felt there was no point to rushing back; whatever was occurring would be history by the time I got there. I was confused though, I could feel love for me growing, or at least it was what I felt when Cherine was sending me her love. But this was excessive and it did not feel the same as when it fed off me in return. I decided, history or not, I better rush back.
When I got there, I found the two loves of my life clinging to each other. Dominique was in tears. I sat down, ignoring Dommi, my eyes on Cherine. She felt my curiosity, but she only smiled at me sadly.
“Oh Roberto, I…” Dommi stared at me as tears fell. “I’m so sorry.”
“What the hell is going on here?” Though my question may have seemed to be directed at Dominique, it was directed at Cherine. I felt a kind of cool happiness, with a painful weight of sadness beneath it flow into me. This was no good for me, I had to know.
“Dommi, I need to talk privately a few minutes to Cherine, will you excuse us?” Cherine rushed to put her hand in mine, but as we walked off I saw her look back at Dominique and give her a smile. Dominique returned her a weak smile. As we walked around the square I made sure we were distant enough so that Dominique could not hear us before speaking. I stopped and looked at my little girl, whose eyes only reached my belt. I felt a surge of love for her/from her.
“Stop it. Now tell me what you did. And don’t you dare just stare at me. Cherine, I want an answer. I felt you, so I know you did something. I just don’t understand what it was all about. What have you done to Dominique?”
“Your Dommi is in love with you.” I sensed the sadness in her, the jealousy, but I also realised what she had done and I was struck by the horror of it. As my emotion reached through she blanched as if I had struck her. She reeled as if to fall and I grabbed her arm.
“No you don’t. You are going to face this.” I stared at her with such anger (and I admit, for the first time with fear) that, overcome, she wailed and fainted. Dominique screamed and ran to us.
“What have you done.” Not even a question. I saw from her distraught face that she had been slammed hard with the distress and anguish Cherine sent out. They must have still been linked or else Cherine called out to her. Dominique did not pause to question it, but then who does when they are hit with such an emotion. She probably had by now interpreted the feeling as a scream she heard, or something similar. Only that could explain the looks of fury she was giving me.
Out of my anguish, I spoke curtly, “Enough damage has been done today. Go home. I’ll take care of her. Leave us Dominique.” I was cradling my tiny Cherine in my arms, looking for a taxi.
“After what you did to her, you must be crazy if you think I’ll leave her alone with you.” She took Cherine’s face in her hands. “Moro mou, are you alright?” She kept stroking her as a taxi finally stopped. We got in and Dominique set her little brown legs on her lap. I did not relish arriving in front of the apartments with Cherine still unconscious, so I tried to deliberately feel her mentally, but it did not work. As I held her to me, my anger and fear had vanished to be replaced with a tenderness and regret for my viciousness. God, to have shown her I am afraid of her, as if she is some kind of monster! I saw myself as some sort of monster now. How could I knowingly hurt my little baby like that. A tear fell as I thought to myself that it might be better I stop seeing her before I cause her real and irrevocable harm.
I do not know if my feelings reached her while she was in this state, but she did a sort of “mmm” and turned on to her side. I looked up with relief.
“It’s okay. She is asleep now.” Without looking at Dominique I softly explained. “Since her father died, whenever she is deeply upset, she falls asleep. She will wake up soon.”
Tears in her voice, Dominique whispered “moro mou (my baby)” again. Silent for a while, she turned to ask as I had been expecting she would. “What happened Roberto? What did you do to upset her so much?”
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“Dommi, I wish I could tell you. Well, what I can tell is that I have been thinking and I have decided my relationship with her is not good for her. I thought maybe I could help her by being some sort of father figure to her, but it is not working out as I’d hoped, I’ll only hurt her even worse if I stay.” I put my hands to my face. God this hurt so much, even to think it. If I thought I had suffered when I lost Dominique, I was now about to find out what real pain is. Cherine was and is more than just my love. She is more than the center of my world. I am certain there have never been two people so close, so intricately linked. Her gift has intertwined our two hearts and souls into one. But even if my life is over, I must do it, for her sake. “Oh Dommi,” I cried, “I’m going to have to leave her. What am I going to do?”
Her voice, her soft gentle voice, was ice cold, yet so filled with anger I was shocked. “So that was what you did. I suppose Nicko promised to make you a millionaire, yes I do know about it, so now you want to go off and leave this poor little girl. You made her love you, to see you as her father that she had lost and now, you bastard, because it is inconvenient for you, you walk away from her. God to think I love you!”
“Dommi, he is not leaving me for that.” Startled we both looked at her. “Are you Robert?” Tears were rolling into her hair as she lay there. The driver chose that moment to swerve to the curb and stop. Silently I paid him and got out. Cherine for the first time for so long stood apart from me. I just looked at her, overcome with my misery as tears running down her face she turned to Dominique. “I’m going upstairs to my mummy. Dominique, can you please stay with him for awhile. He needs you to look after him.”
I did not even care to turn and look at Dominique or make my excuses. I just walked off, to walk until I could subdue my pain. Tears were running down my face and I did not care what anyone thought. I must have walked blocks when I felt Dominique put her hand on my arm to stop me. Mutely I turned and looked at her, not caring if she saw my pain, and walked off again.
She soon caught up with me and put her hand under my arm and steered me, turning me. The whole walk back she did not speak once. When we got to my door she took the keys from my shaking hands and unlocked. I went to the couch and sat, lost within a maze of thoughts and emotions which seemed to be weighted with jagged bricks or stones of despair, paying no attention to her.
She knelt before me. “Roberto, I do not understand. I have never seen you like this. If you love her so much, why must you leave her? Talk to me, please. Damn it, what is going on?” There was nothing I could say to her. To speak as she asked, I would have to lie and I was in no condition to think up anything acceptable she would not question further. I could not tell her the truth, the secret was not just mine, it belongs to Cherine. I had long ago realised what public knowledge of her gift would do to her life. That, even now, despite knowing my life is over, I was not prepared to risk.
“Okay, if you are not going to talk to me now, I am going to stay here until you do.” She seated herself on the couch, tucking her feet under her. “I can stay all night if I have to.”
Her voice now gentle, musing, she continued. “When you loved me, I told myself I would never find another man to love me as much as you did. When I left you I thought I knew what I was losing, but something inside me was all twisted, making me do what I did. Maybe I really was just being too stupid to realise how foolish I was being. Time has made that clear to me. With all the love you felt for me, it was nothing compared to how you feel for Cherine, isn’t it?” In my misery I nodded. “Then why must you leave her? Why must you hurt yourself so much?” A long while passed while I sank deeper into myself, into my pain. I now understood why poor Cherine escaped by sleeping.
“I think for you to be leaving her, you can only be doing it for one reason. You are leaving because you think it is for her own good.” She got up and went to the kitchen. When she returned she had a cup of coffee for each of us. After she was seated she turned to me, her voice passionately earnest. “For god’s sake Robert! Think!! If you are leaving for her own good, you must first decide which would do her more harm. What damage can you do her by staying, what damage by leaving. I think you will destroy her if you leave. Is that what you want?” She was starting to get through to me, but I could not answer yet. I had to think. I wondered, if I am suffering like this, how must Cherine be feeling. Her gift is so much more powerful. Her link to me is far stronger, she must be going through hell. Why couldn’t I sense her feelings?
“Did she do to you what she did to me?” Shocked, and suddenly afraid I looked up. “I’m not stupid Roberto. When you left we hardly talked. Only a little bit, and that was about you. I started to think about you, to remember our love, and it all happened so fast, my feelings escalating faster than I can think. Suddenly I was realising what I had lost when I left you. It was not normal for it all to happen so fast, so strongly. I can see it now. She has an empathy for people which helps them feel love or pain, isn’t it? What a lovely soul she must have!”
“The loveliest I have ever known.” I shook my head, “No, I don’t think she did it to me, I think we just naturally grew together because it is where we belong.”
51
“Roberto, go up to her. Tell her. Please.” She sighed and bravely told me, “What I talked about...about my feelings for you, it’s alright, I know she has too much of your heart for me to find a place in there for me. I am glad I finally know what a fool I have been. It feels good to know I have been loved so much by someone as special as you. Maybe I will find someone good to love someday and this time I will not throw it away. Now go to her Roberto.” .
.Cherine opened herself to me again and I sighed. She had not cut me off, she’d only been too deeply immersed within her own misery. “She is waiting for you to leave, she will come when you are gone.” .
.Her eyes widened, her face white, a sudden compassion filled her and I actually felt it.
“It is so strong Roberto, this love you feel for each other? I do not know if so much love can ever make either of you happy.” Her hand touched my cheek and I held it a moment. “I will leave now.” At the door she turned. “Roberto, today is only for you, Cherine and I. I will not ever speak of it to anyone. And we will never speak of this again.”
“If she does not want to.”
She nodded, “Yes” and she was gone.
I felt no pain, no happiness. Nothing, just a numbness.
I went to my bed and lay there. There was no surprise when she quietly lay down next to me. Just gratitude and comfort. As she held herself to me, her love seeped through my skin, deep into me and I dozed in a warm world.
Somewhere in the borderland betwixt sleep and awakening, I dreamt that my face was gently being caressed by tiny fingers. Their satin touch learning the shape of my nose, eyebrows, forehead and softly over my lips. I half opened my eyes and saw her little face, her eyes gazing at me with a melancholic adoration. As in a dream I brought my face over to her and lay with my face half buried in her hair, my lips in the hollow of her neck. I breathed in her girlish scent, softly kissed her and lay in my dream of contentment.
After a while her hands came alive again. They ever so softly felt their way down my neck, ran lightly over my Adam’s apple, along my collar bones. I half sensed her opening the buttons of my shirt. As I lay there, her hands traced the shape of my shoulders, my sides from my armpits and back over my chest. It was as if she was trying to memorise me, store the data for the future.
She indicated with her hands that she wanted me to turn over. Silently I did so. She removed my shirt and from my shoulders she felt my back, the spine, the ribs until she reached the small of my back. A soft undertone of awe and love with slight sexual nuances was mixed with the tenderness of a motherly caring love, reaching deeply into me.
I just lay there, accepting it all in a dazed way, as if I was not all there. As I dozed again, contented with happiness and a feeling of being cared for, her slight, almost delicious weight shifted on to me and she dozed off, lying on my chest and belly.
I awakened, refreshed, healed, and still floating in contentment, I lay without moving, feeling her breath warmly tickling my chest. Even in her sleep she sensed my awakening and stirred. I placed my hand in her hair and gently caressed her. As her eyes opened she brought her lips to mine and kissed me on the lips, almost shyly.
I realised it was completely dark. I looked at my watch and saw it was past eleven at night. Remembering her mother I woke up fully, in a panic. “Cherine. What about your mother. God, what will we tell her.” A thought struck me, “Thank god she did not come here and see us like this. Well, me anyway.” She was still fully dressed while I lay there only half dressed.
52
“Promise you will not get cross with me again?” The first stirrings of her fear touched me, awakening me to her completely. I let my love and assurance flow back to her. “I had to come to you. I could not help it, you were crying for me in my head and I was crying for you. I thought you were going to die. I had to come.”
“It’s okay baby. Tell me, you used your gift on your mother?” I did not need an answer. Curious, I asked, “What did you do?”
“I said I was going to sleep. When she saw me in bed I made her feel how lovely it would be to sleep. She took her sleeping tablet and went to sleep.”
“Okay.” Her powers were still a thing of amazement. “What if she wakes up and finds you are missing?”
“I can feel her all the time. If she starts to wake, I can make her want to sleep again.” This in a fearful voice. It felt as if she was extending herself, trying to catch my most hidden feelings.
“Relax love, I do understand. And thank you. After the way I treated you, I am surprised you even cared.”
“Forever.”
“Mmmm..” I was aglow with her love-sending. I let it cascade so that she could feel mine also. I was also filled with wonder, how can her love for me, basically I still thought of it as being the love of a child, be so much stronger than my love for her! I felt tears on me. These were good tears, the same kind I had in my eyes.
“You think we can make one of my dreams come true? I’ve dreamt of the time when you can spend the whole night with me, of holding you in my arms while we sleep.” The yearning was not only in my voice. She nodded and I felt her mouth, against my skin, smile.
She suddenly jumped up. “I’m going first” as she dashed off to the bathroom. When I returned, she was lying under the sheets, all her clothes neatly laid out on the chair.
“Can we not talk now? Tomorrow?”
“Of course. But when we do talk, it will mostly be me apologising to you. I behaved very badly.” I pulled a face to show my regret.
“You were scared.”
“Yes, but I promise, never again.”
When I got into bed, she spooned up against me, her back to me, her naked little bum against me. I had already decided this was not the time to protest. I held her tightly to me.
“You are my little wonder girl. You know that?”
“Of course!”
I chuckled. “You are not supposed to answer that way. You are supposed to be all shy and demure and ask me, am I really? Guess one thing you are not, is shy and demure - unless you want something from me.” I added.
I felt her emoting change and told her, “You are going to be the death of me,” I unthinkingly joked. For a moment a darkness came into her eyes then she laughed, feeling my mood. I so loved the feeling of her soft hot skin against mine. Still, what could I do. I moved her so that she lay next to me, on her back. I lay over her so that she would feel some of my weight on her and kissed her.
As my lips left hers she asked. “Are you going to make me your woman tonight?” I stared at her, confused and shaken by my response to her question. She gave me a grin as she felt it, but her eyes were burning. “I want to be.”
“Not yet my love. Please don’t try anything to make me. You must trust me on this. Maybe I could, maybe your vagina could stretch enough, I do not know enough about it. But I would hurt you a lot.”
53
“I don’t care”
“I do. It also gives us something to wait for - to dream about. Well, for me anyway, because I know what is waiting for us when we do.”
“I’m afraid.”
“You don’t have to be. When the time is...”
“No! I’m afraid something happens and I lose you…like today. What if you die because of me, like my daddy did? I want to be your woman.” It was very difficult for me; my commonsense, my love for her dictating what was right, and her fears, her deep-rooted yearnings flooding me, conflicting emotions tearing me apart.
“You are not even nine years old yet. Cherine, as much as I want you, as deeply as you are affecting me with your feelings, I must wait. Maybe when you are ten or twelve. Not before then.”
“It’s so long” she wailed.
“It is not. You are not really being fair to me. You flood me with your emotions…it is getting too much for me.” I was sweating and literally shaking. I do not think the human mind is equipped for going through the wringer she was putting me through. A cool calming wind blew through my mind. The balm of her love soothing and caressing my mind. Gratefully I smiled at her.
“How do you do that? Every time I think I understand your gift, you manage to confuse or surprise me. How have you managed to live with it for so long without giving yourself away before?”
“Daddy said I had to. Oh Robert, it was so hard. I had to be so careful and I was always afraid I would make a mistake and the police would catch me. When I could not hide it from you so well and you guessed, I was sure you would leave me. Daddy said everybody would call me a freak. But you were happy. Until today. I’m sorry.”
“As long as you always remember how much I love you, we can work it out. Shall we talk about it tomorrow, find our own way, even make our own rules? We will decide together. I just need to love you tonight. To know you are still my little girl.”
I bent my head and kissed her. She gasped and grabbed my hair. With enough pressure to give her pleasure, but not hurt her (this gift was so useful) I kissed her again. She caught me off guard as she suddenly orgasmed, without me touching her anywhere else. It was so sudden that I did not even sense it coming from her sending of her emotions to me.
I laughed, delighted. “Most grown ups think that children do not have the same sexual feelings they have. I think they would really be shocked to feel what my little eight year old is feeling!”
“Maybe they are right Robert.” She lay there panting. “I have been feeling what grown ups feel since I was a baby. I know that most children sometimes feel excited or curious about sex, but they do not know what it is like, so they do not need it as much. Sometimes even babies have sexy feelings, but they fade away easily, without having to be touched. I’ve been wanting to find someone for this for a long time.” She looked at me, her naughty smile back. “You are not afraid again. Why?”
“I’m just too busy assimilating it all. Things I haven’t even thought about, regarding your special ability, keep cropping up. What you say makes sense. I am just surprised you waited so long. Why didn’t you just choose someone for trying it.”
“Robert, I don’t only feel the…climax. I also feel how the people feel about it. I could feel the disgust and shame when they do not love each other. I never understood it, but I did not want to feel that way. Sometimes I could feel them feeling a horrible proud thing because they managed to make someone do it when they did not want to, or because they made themselves pretend they want to and were happy that now they will get what they wanted. I did not understand why, but it felt dirty, even to them.” She paused and looked at me. “One time I even felt a girl who was being raped.” Tears ran. “Robert it was so horrible. And his feelings were so ugly, they were like a creature of some kind, which was pure hate and violence, but chained and only bits of it able to escape. I’ve had nightmares about it escaping and coming for me. It really made me scared for a long time. I think your love is going to help me stop being afraid, for I have never felt there is anything bad in you.” She sighed. “I think my problem is going to be that you will be too gentle, because you still think of me as a child. I’m not, Robert, I really am not.
54
Wordlessly I stared at her. My heart was not big enough for her. It was breaking with love, drowning me. What else am I to learn, what else must she have been through. And I thought I was the adult, that I should guide her! What of the rest of the gamut of evil emotions of mankind has she had to endure? “How have you managed it Cherry-baby. How did you stay so pure and sweet? With such an ability to love so deeply.”
“I did not always stay sweet, like you said, Robert. That man, who raped the woman, I was afraid of him, but I got so angry that I changed what he was feeling and made it go to him again and again until he was screaming and screaming.”
“Good. I still want to know how you managed to keep your ability to love so deeply.”
“I was waiting for you.” It was such a matter of fact statement I could not question it. “Nobody sent their feelings to me the way you did. I thought for a while that you were like me. That is why I made my mother take the flat here. I had to be near you.”
“You felt me before you came here?” I asked, incredulously.
“No. We came to see the flat and I felt you as we were coming here. I was so excited, you were sad, but I think you were also drawing something and it felt like magic was sparkling inside you, some of the sparkles coming to me so that it was as if I could hear and smell colours. I thought I was only pretending I was feeling sparkles which don’t really exist, but I did not care, I had to meet you, find out about you. My mummy wanted to live near her work so I had to make her want it.” Whenever she now told me about ‘making’ someone do something she was timorous and half afraid. The wounds of the day were still too fresh. I kissed her cheek. I now saw I have a lot to learn, apologise and make up for. I felt shamed by my reactions to her this afternoon. She was wrong, but she needs to be taught, not shown she is feared.
She put her fingers to my eyelids as I lay next to her, aching for her, for the pain she has endured. “It is okay Robert. Please don’t feel sad.”
We did not talk much more that night. Our senses had overwhelmed us and we spent a while adoring each other, with light feathery touches that were not really sexual. Finally, we fell asleep. She lay in my arms the night through, not once turning from me. If my arm fell asleep under her, sensing my discomfort in her sleep, she would move to another position, relieving me, but still attaching every centimetre she possibly could of her body to mine.
Before dawn I sat for a short time, looking at her angelic face. She slept with her eyes slightly open so that I could see the dark pupils. I thought she was looking at me, but when I waved my hand in front of them she did not blink, nor did her eyes follow my movements. Fascinating as it was, I had to waken her so that she can get to her flat before anyone else sees her.
The previous day and night were so much in contrast to each other, I was still slightly shell-shocked. Partly a nightmare and partly a magical dream. At least now I am more aware of my ignorance, of how wrong it is of me to judge her according to the conventional social rules I have grown up with.
There is a problem which I did not recognise for a time. Knowing that I am ignorant and that I must, in partnership with her, develop new rules, does not mean I recognise the truth I know, each time I come across one of those rules. Our way of thinking, the way we choose to live, they are not composed of constant conscious decisions influencing us, we mostly cruise along on habits acquired over the years, so it is going to take us longer to get where we have to arrive, and thanks to me, I think the ride is going to turn out to be bumpy.
Chapter Twelve
Maybe mothers do have an instinct, even those who are not too fond of their kids. Actually, I’m just being nasty. I still have nothing much to blame her for - I wrote ‘still’, as if I am searching for ways or excuses to blame her for all that is wrong, and I should not. She does not have a nice personality and her weaknesses are detrimental to the healthy growth of Cherine, but, she spends over twelve hours a day at the office and travelling, and is always tired, I cannot charge her in all fairness with neglect of her child. Knowing as I do how Cherine is able to manipulate her mother, I have even less reason to blame her. Surely her mind, or maybe her soul, senses it is being manipulated, so that she reacts without always knowing why?
55
It is just that she rubs me up the wrong way - even if we had met while she was single and without child, I do not think we would have liked each other. For some reason, the fact that I am an artist and her prejudices as to what that means, offends her so-called commonsense attitude to life. I also think I resent the fact that she has all rights to Cherine, while any rights I have are only as tolerated by her.
Despite all efforts by Cherine to escape, her mother would not allow her to leave. She was determined to spend the day with her daughter. I was not resentful, welcoming the time on my own, as I had a lot to think about, to try and reach a deeper understanding of the consequences of her gift, how it has affected her and how it is to affect me too. It is very important I do so, or else I will continue to make mistakes which hurt or harm my little love.
We are evolving and I do not want any of my small-minded fears of change to dictate how I react to my love, I want to look for the magic and welcome each change with joy. For instance, just days ago I would have spent the day in misery, missing her. Now she remains at the edge of my mind all the time. I am constantly conscious of the companionship of her presence, even though it is still somewhat nebulous, and am even aware of her awareness of me. Like sitting at the barber, with a mirror in front and another behind me, with reflections within the reflections, fading to the microcosm of infinity.
Another change. When I had been so much in love with Dominique, there had been brief moments when I would look at her and wonder why I thought I was in love with her. I would wonder, do I really know what to be in love is, or, do I really know her, was what I loved of her really how she is or am I only in love with how I imagine she is? With Cherine there has never been a second of doubt. Even before knowing of her gift, of becoming aware of my own growing and overpowering ability, I had wondered how it is possible for an adult of any maturity to fall in love with a child, but I had not doubted that I was. Even loving Dominique as I still do, does not detract one iota from my total devotion. Strangely, I know I have been manipulated into falling in love with her, yet there isn’t even a hint of resentment in me; for I can sense that what is, is what is meant to be.
Is it just the blending of our hearts and minds? One thing I am certain of, there is no loss of individuality; despite our unique closeness, it has not prevented misunderstandings. So there is no blurring of our uniqueness, our personalities. I am certain, as with all couples, we will blur to an extent over the years, but that is normal.
One more point. This was and still is about my one worry. I suspect that unless I screw up totally, there is no way we can live apart. Not just the feeling a person has when in love, separating us would not be like losing an arm or a leg, it would be more like losing a vital part, a heart, my lungs. When I lost my mother, when I lost Dominique, I did not suffer physically as I had when I was confronted with just the idea that I had to step out of her life, never to see her again, I had gone into shock. I can never go through that again. I am certain Cherine cannot either.
To distract myself from my thoughts, which kept on revolving around and around, repeating themselves as I looked and hoped for new answers, I got dressed and went to the Square. I sat at a table by myself, ordered coffee and some miniature eclairs and did something I have not done since the day I broke up with Dommi. I enjoyed myself. I watched all those couples and friends meeting each other, talking and laughing and, a few, cuddling as they too watched the crowds, and I did not envy one of them. The truth is, I thought of them seeing me with a little girl of eight and sensing how much she makes me feel like a real man and I laughed at how I imagined they would feel. At least for this day, I did not feel there is anything wrong with my loving and being loved by my sweet Cherine. Maybe I even pitied them, for they will never have a Cherine of their own.
Without realising it, I was telling the whole world how I was feeling. I had adopted a way of sitting which can be seen in Greece at all places, from the ugliest little kafeneion in the poorest suburb, to the most expensive coffee shop in Politia, for instance. By the way, it is a sexist thing, women never sit this way, unless they are wanting to tell the world, look, I’m butch.
56
I was sitting on one chair and my one foot was raised, resting on a rung below the seat of another chair, and another chair was pulled alongside me for my arm to drape over the back of it. It sort of says, ‘right here, right now, the world is mine’.
What made everything even more wonderful is that Cherine was sharing, sensing how I felt, and she was rejoicing; none of that female stuff about, how can you be so happy if I am not with you. I felt how my happiness and self-confidence helped make her stay at home happy, so that Marian also benefited and was happy with her, the two of them gossiping about their days back home in England. Marian, Cherine shared with me, was feeling nostalgic for all those little things that make up our lives, but Cherine felt very little for those things, not even missing the tv. She let me feel how Athens has become her home now - and if I could, I would have spread myself over another two or three chairs.
“Robert, it is nice to see you again. You’re looking good!” I had a puzzled frown for a moment as I pulled my mind back to the here and now, so he added, “Do you remember me? I am George Sakellariou, a friend of Nicko?”
Αλέξανδρος Ζήνον Ευσταθίου
(Alexander Zenon Eustace)21st February, 2019
* posted on Steemit: 21st February, 2019
@nikosnitza
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