Little Cherine Book 01 - BPost003

arthur.grafo4 (60)in #sfandf-fiction • 6 years ago

^{“How do you want me to help?”

“Oh my precious, I wish I knew. Just having you with me will help a lot.”

“So, you finished with that coffee yet? Are we going now?”}

Previous Post 002

29

Dominique was waiting as she had promised. I was surprised as I had arrived early. I guess we both had butterflies. I could see her frown as she saw Cherine, then she laughed. “Is this your chaperone? Is she here to protect you?” She laughed again. “I’m sorry, but Roberto, you are so funny sometimes.”

“Just to hear you laughing again was worth coming here for.”

“Oh Roberto please don’t…”

I interrupted her. “No, Dommi, don’t say anything. Sit quietly and listen. Let me finish what I have to say. Don’t worry, Cherine has promised to spank me if I say anything to upset you.”

“Don’t make me laugh please. Why are you like this, in this strange mood?”

“Maybe it is because I am afraid. Not another word Dominique, I promise you won’t be sorry.” I looked at her and she must have seen my heart in my eyes, but she nodded, though she still looked wary. I could not face her while talking and turned slightly, as her expressions might have halted me, turned me into stone. I stared off into the trees. I felt the little hand of Cherine slip into mine.

“It is important that lovers also be good friends. It is not often though that good friends can become lovers. It can become very confusing for a friend when the other friend is as beautiful and loved as much as I love you. While I still thought of you only as my friend, I could say you were like my little sister, but the truth is, I do not think any sister would have been as close and dear to me as you were. I do not know what you did, or I did, for that love to slip over into a romantic love, but somehow my best friend became all my heart dreamt of.

I cannot know or even imagine what that period was like for you. I have a suspicion now that it could not have been a very good time, that even though it was unintended, I caused you pain. No, don’t speak. I only wanted you to know I do understand. That is all.

Oh Dominique, even if my love hurt you, I cannot be sorry I love you. I had a short time of being in heaven, of knowing what it truly feels like to love someone so deeply. Nothing like it will ever happen again, but at least because of you, I know what it feels like. Even the pain when I lost you, I treasure. Dommi, the ache deep inside will never be truly gone. But there is another pain I cannot live with.” I turned towards her. “I want my friend back.”

“Oh Roberto…”

“You know how I discovered what I had lost?” She shook her head. I turned and kissed the cheek of Cherine. “Cherine became my friend. The beauty, the purity of that friendship reminded me so much of those wonderful years of our friendship.”

“We can never be like we were then. Oh Roberto…it’s been spoilt…”

Little Cherine, darling little Cherine, decided to pipe up then, probably intending to help me. “It’s okay. You can be his friend now, because when I’m bigger I am going to marry him.” She had such a determined look to her face - and what a look on Dominique’s face! Then she laughed.

“Roberto, I think you are really in trouble.”

It would be a lovely ending to say we laughed and reminisced and found we were still friends as we had been. Unfortunately that is not how it works. Dominique was right. Friendship would have to be earned again, by both of us. At least we made a start that day. I thought to myself, I will be confused for a long time by my unrequited love for my friend. Where did my feelings for the friend end and my yearning for my only love begin? At least now I will try to keep them separate so that she only sees the love of a friend as she needs.

A few good things did come out of our meeting though. She began to phone me when she was alone at home and even began to hint about the way he is treating her. Once she was able to start confiding in me again, she told me she has realised her relationship with her new lover is not one of love and she ended it. He did not make it easy for her, as I had, and even made threats. I believe Elia learnt about it and had a talk with Apostolos. From then he left her alone. I am glad for her and hope she finds her own true love one day, but whenever she wants to meet, I do so willingly, mostly taking Cherine with me.

30

Oh, and the final bittersweet joke. She confided in me that when she was little she had also dreamt of marrying me one day. Now she teasingly calls Cherine my fiancé. What might become a problem again (one day) is that Cherine takes her very seriously.

Apostolos, the ex-boyfriend of Dominique saw me as I walked through Kolonaki Square, amongst the tables and chairs on the pavement. With a yell he ran to me. Prudently I went around a table with customers and stood on the other side.

“Come and face me you fucking coward! I know that you caused the break between Dominique and myself.”

“If I recall correctly, it was you who got between her and me, not the other way around. Leaving a single rose on her windscreen late at night for her to find in the morning, so as to make her think you are romantic, when you don’t have an ounce of romance in you, you bloody narcissist - as far as I’m concerned, you are the sick one Apostolos, and if your parents cared for you they would have you locked up in Dafni, since you don’t know how to act like a man and can only try to hold a woman to you through fear.” While I was talking (yelling) I had to keep running around the table as he was desperate to shut me up. He is a bit of an athletic type and being faster was catching up with me when a police car happened to drive by and seeing us, they stopped. Seeing them, Apostolos turned and walked away - causing some of the crowd to jeer at him. I wished I could have exacted a more painful revenge and I hated that I had not had the courage to fight him, but I knew that he walked away with far more bitterness than I did. Still, I admit, it rankled and took a long time for me to get over it.

Chapter Eight

As the Summer left us, school started. This was to completely alter my way of life.

Her mother brought up the subject. She asked whether I know a taxi driver she can trust to take her daughter to school and bring her back. To be honest, I hesitated. I treasure my morning sleep, hate having to get up early, even chose my work in Greece partly for that reason. I like to work late at night, when I seem to get most of my ideas. Any reluctance on my part died a sudden death when I pictured my little Cherine driving off with a stranger.

“Which school have you put her in? Is it an English school?”

“No. It is American. It is quite far out, at Aghia Paraskevi. That is why I cannot take her myself. By the time I take her I would be late for work. Then what would I do at lunch time? No, it has to be arranged with a taxi driver. The school told me it is what other mothers do.”

“Sorry Marian, to be honest, I don’t like the idea. The taxi drivers in this country are the worst I have seen anywhere, they drive like maniacs. In the UK I might agree it is safe, but not here. Not for a little girl. I will have to take her and bring her back.”

She did not sound grateful, just belligerent. “You have done enough for her as it is. I cannot agree, you would lose hours every day running backwards and forwards. She is becoming a big girl now, she will have to go on her own.”

“No child of eight is big enough to handle the problems that could come up,” I was trying to be circumspect about what the danger is, as Cherine was with us, “you know I work at night, so I do not have any problems with that. It will be a pleasure.”

“I said no. We are already obliged enough to you for spending so much time with her, taking her and me sometimes out for ice creams and to the beach. Especially since you insist on paying for the meals we have there. It’s enough! I am not willing to allow you to put me further in your debt.”

31

“You are not in my debt. Nobody is. I am in your debt. When I first met her I was in despair, my life had no meaning. I won’t go into that now, but I think you’ve guessed. I cannot even tell you how much having a child around helped. And that the child was Cherine was a special gift for me. She is so lively, so full of beans it is impossible to be depressed with her around. I have come to love her a lot and as I do not expect to ever marry or have kids of my own, you would be doing me a favour by allowing me to experience a little of what I will never, otherwise, experience. So, what sayest thou, whilst thou grant me my hearts desire?” I ended, trying for a lighter note, but mostly just sounding corny.

It took a while to convince her, but she knew in her heart I was right, it was not a safe option to send her off with a stranger. At least she knows me a bit and where I live and work. It is also difficult to refuse an offer when the alternatives are so blatantly not in the best interest of the child. It must also have been very tempting, as the taxi would cost her a lot and I know the school is very expensive.

I had thought Cherine was going to pipe up and plead on my behalf, but she kept totally silent, just her eyes moving between her mother and myself. She can be quite a strangely mature child at times, though not when I want it of her.

Finally, as maybe an excuse to cave in, her mother turned to Cherine, “What do you say Cher-baby?”

Cher-baby sat there, almost as if indifferent, then replied, “It’s okay I suppose.” A strangely wise child, most definitely.

Marian rose to the bait. “It is not alright! Do you realise to how much trouble uncle Robert would be going to for your sake? I think you could at least show some gratitude!” She glared at her and then turned to me, “Do you realise that once you undertake to do this you cannot chicken out of it half-way?”

“I’ll sign in blood if you...”

“What a thing to say in front of the child!” she admonished me and smiled. We both looked at Cherine and saw she was smiling.

“You little minx, you liked the idea of me signing in blood didn’t you?” I teased her.

So started a new cycle of my life, with me engrossed in playing a ‘daddy’ role. Nicko and Dominique had a good laugh when they heard. For a while afterwards, I noticed Dominique watching me thoughtfully.

I finally could not resist and raised an eyebrow at her, and grinned wolfishly. “What Dommi? No jokes about my little fiancé?” She looked away, her face cold.

Nicko leant forward, “Roberto, this may turn out to be convenient. I’m not ready to talk to you about it yet, but I will soon.” Knowing what the bugger is like, there was no point in pursuing that line now - he will only tell me when he is ready.

Without my knowing it, Cherine was going through something similar. Just more terrifying for her I imagine. Her mother asked her why she was not keen to let me take her to school, has anything happened. When Cherine said no, she wanted to know have I tried touching her on her private parts. Cherine must have played her part well for her mother just told her again she had been rude and must show me she is grateful and say thank you every time I take her and bring her back.

It was our last full day together. Her mother had booked passage on a ferryboat to take her to an island for the week-end. Cherine had just told me what her mother had said. Sternly I said, “Stand up and come here.”

She obediently came. “Say thank you, now.”

“Thank you.”

I grinned at her. “Now, whenever she asks you, you can honestly say you did say thank you,” she laughed, delighted, “when I do daddy things like this, we know I am being your ‘daddy’ and children do not have to keep saying thank you when their parents do things for them, do they?”

First she hugged me, then she sat on my lap. “You still love me?”

32

“How can you ask? You are my very own fiancé and ‘daughter’. Who else would I love?”

“You never want to hold me like you used to. You don’t love me anymore.” she finished sadly.

I did not hug or kiss, I felt she deserved a proper reply. “If you knew how much I really love you, if you could feel what is in my heart, I think you would say it is not possible. I think you are a bit confused though. Right?”

She nodded. Now I hugged her. “It is because I love you so much that I am so careful not to touch you too much.”

“Why?” She looked sceptical. “You don’t think I’m pretty anymore. Dominique is more pretty than me and you want to be with her.”

“You know that is not true! You are my life now, all my thoughts are always how to find things to do to make you happy and…” She looked so vulnerable in her jealousy, and in truth the conversation was reminding me of my nights with Dommi and it was arousing me. It had been so long since I’d had sex. She felt my rising excitement and jumped off me, excited. She turned her delighted face up to me.

“You do want me. I am pretty!” Her face was wild with passion - how could a child look like that I wondered. There was an ache that flowed out from the center, draining me of thought or strength and yet it felt alien to me. I just needed to hold her tightly, as the saying goes, I wanted to squeeze her to death. My expression must have frightened her - my loss of control was terrifying even me!

My love for her won. Well, at least to the point that was within my control. I softened my features, picked her up in my arms and kissed her face as I walked with her to my bed. I saw she had lost her confidence, that look of wild abandon, and was looking at me with a pleading face. Her whole body was shaking, trembling. I could not believe she has experienced any kind of molestation within her short life, surely she would have betrayed herself before now? I feared this moment, I even hated it, for I was angry with myself for not having been more careful. I decided to speak as honestly as I can.

“You wanted to know if I love you this way?” She nodded. “You have set me on fire and it feels as if I cannot stop myself. I need to hold you, kiss you.” I took off my shirt, knelt on the mattress and held her to my bare chest, my hands gently kneading her back. “Oh my baby, please, you must never be afraid of me, I would rather die than hurt you.” I murmured. I felt her skin warm to my touch and she relaxed as I continued to murmur little sweet nothings. I then pulled down the top sheet and tucked her in. I sat on the edge, and stroked her face and hair.

“I’m sorry my baby. I did not mean to frighten you.” She held on to my hand. “What frightened you?” I knew, but wanted to lead her in to an explanation.

“I thought you were very angry with me cause I wanted to make you love me. I was afraid you would hurt me.”

“Nothing could make me love you more than I already do. Maybe I’ve made a mistake. There are words that explain or describe things we do or feel, that I did not teach you, because you have not reached a suitable age and if you should slip up and say the wrong thing by mistake, your mother would want to know where you learnt them. I know, you would not say anything on purpose to harm me, but things can slip out by mistake. Maybe I should explain at least two words, which I am sure you already know.” She nodded, her eyes bright again - it must be the first time ever that my sometimes pedantic manner has inspired anyone with confidence in me!

“Let’s start with what you will think is the easiest word. Love. There are many kinds of love. Like what you feel for your mummy is different from what you feel for me, but both are love, right? Let me tell you what love means when I say I love you.

Love is only one word, but it holds in it a lot of different feelings. I have this happy warm feeling when you are near me and a horrible lonely feeling when you are not. Both those feelings are love. I have this need to look after you, protect you. That is love. I want to see that you use your brains, learn a lot and I want to help you learn how to own the world, not allow others to own you. That is love. I want to hold you to me and feel your breath on my skin as you fall asleep. I want to be there for you when you are hurting so that my love takes away the pain and the tears from you. That is love. I want to be there when you are happy and be a part of your happiness. I want to be the one thing you are sure of, so that you can be yourself with me. That is love. I want to tease you, I want to buy you everything you need or want. That is also love. I want you to be my little girl forever and yet I want to see you grow up and become a wonderful grownup that I can be proud of. Love again. You starting to get the picture?”

33

Her eyes fixed on me, she nodded and whispered ‘yes’.

“Now the other word. Not that I finished with love, but you will learn the other nuances with time. The word is passion. Do you know it?”

“Yes. I saw this movie where she said to him, I hate you with passion. It means ‘very much’. Can you love someone with passion, cause I think that is how I love you.”

Bless her heart. This was going astray, but I had to stop and tell her I also love her with passion and give her a few kisses. Gamely then I tried to carry on.

“Passion is also the word used to explain the feelings grownups have when they love each other - I mean, sexually. Remember that feeling you just had in the sitting room? That was not love, those feelings were passion. Did you know that I did not even have a clue that you could feel passion so strongly? You surprised me. Your eyes, your dark beautiful eyes, they can light fires of passion in me which could easily burn me up. Even your sexy little mysterious smile - yup, that one! Maybe you sometimes have felt a little bit like that about me Cherine, or parts of me?”

“Oh yes. Lots of times! A lot!”

“Remember when you felt those special feelings that made you feel shaky? Ah, you do! Do you know what your face looked like then?”

She nodded vigorously with the light of understanding in her eyes. “Like you looked when I got ’fraid?”

“Bobs your uncle! You got it baby. I was not angry, it just looks nearly the same, I was suddenly caught in a burning need to hold and love you. Understand? Will you ever get afraid if you see that look again?”

She nodded no, then a sudden mischievous look came to her, and I knew my darling Cherine, my baby, my little girl, was back, but she still managed to catch me by surprise by her humour. “Robert, when you are really angry and look at me like that, I will pretend you are feeling passion. Then I will never be afraid of you.”

I stroked her forehead, ran my fingers through her long silky hair. “I do not think I could ever get so angry with you - unless you do something very stupid that could have hurt you badly, then I will maybe get so scared of you being hurt or that I might have lost you, that I will really, really be angry. But it will not be because of passion. It will be out of my love for you.”

“Are we going to talk all afternoon?”

“Why, were you thinking of doing anything else?” I teased as I stood up.

“Yes.” She giggled and squiggled her way under the bedclothes, disappearing. I stared at the shape of her under the sheet and thought, I must be the luckiest man on earth to have her here. God, I hope she continues to love me for a long time. Our conversation was distasteful for me, I had not expected anything like it for at least another seven to eight years. I tried to blame it on television, as so many parents do, but at the same time, secretly, maybe even from me, I knew that there is something special about her and she is going to surprise me many times over the years. I just prayed that I have not made matters worse by trying to reason with her, exposing her to possibilities she had not thought of.

I cradled her in my arms, feeling her heart beat against mine. I felt something strange, not understanding the feeling. My darling little angel, my baby, I saw she is an image to treasure. I laughed out aloud. That easily she fully accepted what I’d told her. She stretched, her body still on mine, a contented little kitten, feeling loved. I caressed her soft warm skin, gently, just trying to imprint within me the feel of her. If she could have purred I think she would have.

34

By the time she had to have a shower, to smell nice and clean before going home, we had lain side by side and talked, me trying to make her giggle; we had gobbled up chocolates and made a real right mess of the bed.

I don’t know she sensed it, I was certain it was not showing on my face, but she asked, “You angry again?”

“Yes. I think you calling me daddy did it. The way you said it was as if you did not even think about it, you just called me that.” She nodded, her eyes big again. “I found that lovely, but also very exciting. I don’t know why baby.”

Actually, it was only momentary. Within seconds, not only was my body totally relaxed, but my mind and heart too. She is the medicine that is curing me. Her uninhibited passion and love, her openness, I saw now that we are doing something strange to each other. Whatever may happen someday between us and whatever others may think, I know she needs and wants me in ways not appropriate to her age, but as long as I can maintain it at this level, keep her heart and mind untainted, I cannot refuse to give her the love she craves. Whether it is an instinct in her, or just an expression of love she is showing, made extreme by the loss of her father, or a mixture of both, I did not know. All I knew was that it is there and we are partners in the true sense.

From that day I actually began to hope and dream that her childish unquestioning love will blossom into a woman’s love for me one day. From that day began the fear that her mother will decide to move away, or marry someone and she will have a daddy to look after and love her and I will lose my little Cherine.

Chapter Nine

It was a very special day, she is being thrown into a new environment again with lots of strangers. I determined I had to try and make her feel it is a special and exciting day. With her excitement making her feel precious to me, when I collected her, we chatted about her week-end and school. I told her that amongst all those children she will meet, there will be at least two or three who are special. On cue she asked why.

“I don’t think I should tell you.” She stuck a finger in my side and said I had to. “They are special because, although they don’t know it now, and you don’t, they are going to become your best friends. Then you are going to have friends of your age to talk and play with. Won’t that be great?” She seemed to be quietly thinking about it and, knowing it was not fair of me, that I was being childish, I added, “and then you won’t need me anymore.”

She just gave an exasperated “Oh Robert” and pushed my leg. She thought I was teasing as usual. After a few moments she pulled me down, cupped her hand to my ear and whispered, “You are my daddy and fiancé forever.”

“No good.” I looked at her, a sense of foreboding eating away at me. “I want to be more than that. I want to be, until the day I die, your very best, your bestest friend. Without that nothing else will mean that much.” She reassured me that she will always be my best friend and put her arms around my waist.

We were close to her school when she asked, her voice betraying her feelings, “Are you sure it is okay for me to have friends? What if they guess I’m not like them?”

I should have foreseen her worry, but pretended I had misunderstood, for her sake. “Who told you that? Of course it is okay.” I grinned, “If they guess you are not like them, they will be very jealous of you.” She took my hand to her cheek, holding it there for a while and then she kissed it, her eyes glowing as she looked up at me.

As we arrived, I reassured her I will be waiting for her when she comes out and lightly kissed her on the lips goodbye. Luckily in Greece everybody kisses, so it did not look as weird as it did to me, to be doing it in public that is. With a last uncertain look back at me she disappeared.

35

During the Summer I had taken Cherine a number of times to Kifissia and Kefalari, sometimes to meet Dommi and sometimes just because we like it there. During such visits she had discovered the pastries of Varsos. I knew which were her favourites, so I went there and bought some to prepare a party in celebration of her first day at school. I got home and making the living room look festive, made sure everything is ready for her homecoming and seeing it was time to leave went to the street to wait for the taxi. Traffic is so bad in Athens that a ten minute trip can often take nearly an hour. I thought about this and realised I must make some further adjustments to my life. I am going to be losing too much time to travelling and I can no longer stay up so late at night.

She came running out from a lot of running screaming kids, her hair streaming. She jumped in and started jabbering about the kids, the teachers and so on. Once she had run out of steam she looked at me, a happy look on her little face.

“I found one of those special people. She is my best friend.” Remembering, she added, “At school.”

“Cherry-baby, I owe you an apology. This morning I was very selfish and stupid. What I said about being your best friend was stuuupid! Just because we are best friends, special friends, does not mean you cannot have other best friends. Of course you can. We all have a number of friends and people we love. So, you just go ahead and call her your best friend. What is her name?”

“Maria-Elena. And she is beautiful. You should see her.”

“Yeah sure, as if she could be half as beautiful as you.”

“You’re being silly again. I’m not beautiful.” Before I could respond she carried on, “And guess what?”

“What?”

“I found out she lives near us, just a few blocks, towards the American Embassy. We can even walk to visit each other.”

I sat there musing while she brightly filled the cab with her babbling. Even the driver glanced back at me in the mirror and smiled. My heart had sunk a little. If this girl lives close by, they will soon be visiting each other almost every day, and my special time with her will dwindle to almost nothing. I found my selfishness upsetting, for I should only be rejoicing that my little girl will have someone to play with and be happy. I tried to shake myself out of my mood in the hope of achieving a balance worthy of my love for her, but I was not up to it.

I paid and slowly got out of the cab, arranging for him to pick me up a bit later, to take me to a doctor as my tummy had been bothering me all day, as Cherine ran ahead with her key in her hand to open the door. This has become a ritual whenever we leave my home, when the two of us are alone. She still finds it exciting having a key of her own. As she opened the door I heard her squeal. I came in and found her bag thrown at my feet and she was running around checking all I had prepared for her. Seeing her so happy raised my spirits.

“Is this for me?”

“Yup. Today is a special day. For me today was the first time my little daughter went to school. I thought we should have a party to celebrate.”

As she went for the chocolate eclairs I stopped her. “No you don’t. If you get any of that on your school clothes your mummy will kill me. Take your shirt and tie off. And your skirt. Then you can climb into your eclairs, etc.”

She demurely took them off, stood there in her socks vest and panty. She sat down and took her socks off. She reached for a mini éclair, stopped and looked at me. “I mustn’t get chocolate on my undies must I?”

I laughed, “That would be awkward to explain. I hadn’t thought of that. Let me get you one of my tee-shirts.”

36

She had stripped herself down to her bare skin by the time I got back. To be honest, I regretted for a moment offering my tee-shirt, I would have enjoyed sketching her - not that she ever sits still long enough for me to capture the magic of her. As she put it on though, I found the sight of her erotic. I warned myself, let her have a party, let her be just a happy kid. She must not feel that every time she comes here I want to hug her all the time

I sat on the couch while she sat cross-legged on the carpet, gaily chatting and eating. I had bought far too much and she looked like she was going to work her way through the lot. My little girl was going to have a tummy ache tonight. I warned her and then left her to it. She has the right to give herself a sore tummy if she wants to. She asked why I am not eating, so I told her my tummy feels strange and I’m going to the doctor a bit later. She stared at me for a moment and then, with a satisfied look, she returned to eating and teasing me.

I put on a cartoon for her and she lay down, facing the tv, with her face held up by her arms. She was so lovely. I wanted this moment to never end. This little baby, my sweet little daughter, has become my haven, my heaven, the purest kind of love I’ll ever experience. She finally switched off the cartoon and collapsed into my arms where I lovingly held her. She must have been utterly exhausted after such a long day and the experiences of being in a new school, for she slept awhile. These minutes of her warm weight lying on me in sleep were very precious, for they are all the proof I could want from her that she does not fear me, that she really does trust me to only love her.

She was embarrassed about sleeping, so I explained, “Every time we do something different it is special, more exciting as we come to know each other better. Well, you may have slept, but I was awake and grew to know and love you even more. There will be times when it is your turn, my sexy little miss.”

I don’t know why she pouted. “It’s not fair!”

“I must get the video ‘Labyrinth’ for you,” I laughed. “You’ll love David Bowie, with his strange eyes of different colour.”

I saw she is getting to know me; once I start teasing, experience has shown her I will not answer her. It sometimes makes her feel very frustrated. A bad habit I have, but I guess we all have to have a few of them. It is also a useful tool for when she is insistent, demanding an answer when I don’t want to give her one.

“You really think I’m sexy?” Her shoulders went back, her head up and she arched her back, sticking her cute little bum out.

“Grrrrrr” I leapt for her bum. She squealed and ran.

I collected the left over cakes and carried them to her flat. Her mother had just arrived, having told me she was returning early to be with Cherine. She saw the cakes. “What’s this?”

“We had a little party to celebrate her new school and friends she is making there. A new beginning for her.”

“And I don’t suppose you thought I might want to be part of it!?” She was angry.

“To be quite honest, I could not wait for you. I have to go to the doctor.”

“Mummy, Robert is sick, it is his tummy.”

“I told you, you do not call grown-ups by their first name. Uncle Robert to you. You hear me?”

“Please Marian, not that! I hate being called uncle. She shows her respect by listening to me, so it is really not necessary.” I smiled, but she was not mollified.

“Oh, so you listen to him, how come you never listen to me? You don’t respect me?”

“Marian, I’m not going to get between you - and I do have to leave now, my taxi is waiting. But I would, if you don’t mind, like to say something. I know that you are angry really, because you wish and want to be with your daughter, that you feel you are missing important moments of her life. I see you working long hours, doing without for her, and I know she appreciates it, because she often tells me what a wonderful mother she has. Sorry I have to run.”

37

During my ride to the doctor, I thought on how it is we sometimes resort to an untruth to get out of a difficult situation and then see that we spoke the truth. I am worried that I may be influencing Cherine so that she also is starting to think of her mother as our enemy. She is not; our secrets about us being more than just friends, but also father and daughter, and the need for it to remain a secret means we must be careful, but I must not use it and my natural antipathy for influencing Cherine against her mother. Marian was right, my little celebration had been thoughtless and I was in the wrong and because I hunger to create little memories belonging to just the two of us, it does not mean that I must not also try to include Marian wherever and whenever I can.

Next morning, as I collected Cherine she smacked my hand. Surprised I looked at her.

“You naughty daddy. You told a lie last night, I never talk to you about my mummy.”

“I noticed darling. I’ve been meaning to go on a fishing expedition about that. Cherine, what I told her about her having to work and missing out on being with you, it is true and I think we must try to include her in creating as many memories as we can of the three of us - apart from those which are extra special and belong to only the two of us.” She was wearing her poker face again, so I lamely ended, “It looked to me like she was going to make your life miserable, so I just tried to help. Anyway, I really do hate being called uncle.”

“Okay uncle.”

“I owe you one. Just you wait until we are alone.” She grinned at me and my heart swelled with love. How and why has this beautiful girl come to love and trust me so fast? I did not have an explanation, and, however unnatural it may seem to me, it does not detract in the slightest from the way I feel and I sure was grateful

When I dropped her off at school, I walked around the area, checking for ‘to let’ signs. It is worth mentioning something different about how things work in Greece. The tax man does not accept that any declaration or account books are truthful, so they double or even treble what you declared and tax you on the profits they say you earned. The taxpayer does not have a choice, to survive the immoral methods of the tax office, they are forced to ‘cook’ the books, showing only a third or a quarter of what they earned. This is one of the reasons most places for rent do not have an advert by an estate agent. Say I find an office for rent and the owner wants thirty thousand drachmaes per month, we will sign a contract for fifteen thousand, and I have to pay the other fifteen in advance for the entire year.

Most of the places were too expensive, but I carried on looking and finally found a very small office, it did not have much natural light as a fir tree blocked my view, but I did not mind. Nobody else could see in either and the rent was affordable. Now I could get some work done or snooze a bit while waiting to pick up Cherine. I decided a desk, chair and a sofa long enough for me to snooze on when I need to, will be all I need. Then I had to add a small table for the kettle and cups, a mini fridge, a small desk and chair for Cherine to do her homework, in case I am in the middle of work that I cannot leave. Then I recalled I will need another computer, monitor and so on, plus another telephone line and internet connection for sending my work to the office. I decided to wait for Cherine before I do my shopping, so only arranged for the computer and peripherals to be delivered and signed an application for a connection.

I could hardly believe I was doing all this, so I was certain I would have to face a disgruntled and suspicious Alki, without being able to provide a proper explanation to justify my taking an office of my own - and I worry that everything I do for easing my life because of Cherine only adds to the risk. Somebody just might connect the dots and work out what is my true reason. Still, all my comforts, my way of life are being thrown upside down, money is vanishing from my bank account and not only did I not care, I was actually happy. To tell the truth, it also felt as if I am starting to live an adventure - if I’m right, I bet it will always revolve around Cherine.

38

What I had not really anticipated was the fact that her friend would tell her mother that Cherine stays close by and ask if she can ride home with us. Her mother and father brought her over to Marian, ostensibly to play for an hour, but in reality, so as to meet her. When they mentioned the request by their daughter, Marian told them that she has someone else bring Cherine home, but she is certain I will not mind. They misunderstood, thinking I am paid by Marian, so they accepted without asking to meet me, I’m glad to say.

I had to ask Cherine to arrange with her friend that if I have work to be finished at the office, her friend must go home as previously, as she cannot spend her afternoons with us without causing her parents to grow suspicious. All we need is for them to ask Marian some difficult questions and she’ll start to worry and keep us apart. I became a bit depressed when Cherine let me know that the mother of Maria-Elena, on hearing of the possibility of the delay of Cherine being returned home sometimes, offered to Marian to bring Cherine home with them on such days. Cherine also was not too happy about it and told me she won’t let them take her with them. I foresaw this could cause more problems, but decided to play it by ear, day by day.

Chapter Ten

Cherine loved the new office, but at first she was a bit slow at understanding why I needed it. Not that she really cared, just like any other normal child would not. It was just the idea that I was close to her school she liked. She wanted to know whether she can walk from school and maybe even bring a friend and play there while I work.

I did not agree to the first. She is not going to cross the busy road, not with the way the Greeks drive, unless I am holding her hand. We went to a store and I ordered, with her help, the furniture, including a smaller desk, chair and bookcase for her to do her homework. She was visibly proud when I let her over-ride me in the choice of furniture. I can live with it, if it gives her so much pleasure, and I must admit the office will look more colourful and a happy place. Her glow spread like a warmth through me as we left the furniture shop. I loved walking around with her hand in mine, I felt as if she really is my daughter.

The next day I phoned Alki and Nicko, giving them my new phone and address. Alki could not understand why I want to spend so much for an office in an out of way suburb when he has given me all the facilities, but Nicko was not really interested, for his thoughts were centered on something else. With the excuse that he has to bring me a potted plant as a ‘house-warming’ gift and wish me kalo riziko (good luck) he grabbed the chance to talk to me privately. He turned up after Cherine was already with me. He took a quick look at the office then we went for a meal for Cherine, and coffee for us.

“Robert, I have been busy arranging a deal. I think we can now talk about it. Just keep it confidential, especially from Alki.”

“I don’t like secrets Nicko. If it affects Alki, I should not know.”

“No, nothing like that. He is a friend of my father and if he hears what I am planning he will want to come in. I do not want any more partners.” My interest was piqued. “I see the internet as growing very fast, but I’m certain it will explode like a bomb during the nineties. I want to start my own ISP. It has to be done in a big way, internationally, with offices in a number of countries. I’m not interested in creating a local ISP, Greece is too small a market, so I’ll probably base it in London. Once it takes off, I can tell you, we won’t even have to run it for very long. One of the big boys will want to take us over. So we could either make millions by selling, or keep it and grow and list it. Robert, I want you to join me. I have no experience or knowledge of the Internet or computers. I just see an opportunity and I know business and the rules for making a success of it.”

All I could tell him was mainly based on articles I have read on the internet, but the information felt right, so I told him, “Nicko, the rules of business, as your father knew them, no longer apply - not when applied to the Internet. If you do it right, listing could make you mega-bucks. Running it however will never make you any serious profits, it is more likely to lose you money, unless you use it to generate alternate income streams.”

He leaned forward, excitedly, putting his hand on my arm. “See, I knew you were the right person to talk to about this. Robert, I need help but I must also make sure the person I bring in is someone I trust. There is no one else I trust as much as you. Say you will come in with me.”

39

“I’m not going to pretend I don’t find it exciting. If done right, this could change our lives. Even yours Nicko. The kind of money this could make would make any ship owner’s profits look like peanuts.” As I was talking, I sensed Cherine’s eyes on me. I glanced at her and was very surprised to see a frown on her face. She looked at me, then at Nicko and her frown seemed to deepen, waves of disapproval emanated from her. I decided I better take my time. “Before I can give you an answer there are a lot of questions to be asked and answers needed. If you want I can print out my questions for you and have them ready by tomorrow.”

“What kind of questions?”

I shrugged. “For example, I’ll need to know what backing you will have. A very big pocket will be needed for this. I know your father would not make that kind of investment in a business he does not know. That’s one example.” He visibly relaxed.

“I can answer that kind of question easily.” He raised his hand. “Alright, you make your list.”

“What position would you want me to hold? I’m a graphic artist, not a businessman or corporate animal. What would my interest in this be and would it require my full time involvement?”

“Finally, we get to the important questions.” He laughed. “You my friend will have seven per cent and be Technical Director. I must have some friendly votes with me on the Board. Without any investment from you that is a very generous offer. You will become a multi-millionaire.”

Once Cherine and I were alone, I gently tried to fish from her what had worried her, but she would not say. She would not even answer me. As she looked upset, I decided not to push. Her disquiet rubbed off on me and I decided to be extra careful.

As Alki was still upset with me for opening my own office, and since I value his friendship (and my job with him) I invited him to join me for lunch the next day. I thought it is time he meets the reason for my strange decision. I was pleased when he accepted, as he normally refuses to go out for lunch unless it is to dine with an important business contact, and he would have to travel far out of his way to meet us. He must really be worried, I thought. When I told Cherine the next morning, she refused to leave for school. She was determined not to meet Alki in her school clothes. She ran back up to their apartment and brought her nice clothes, shoes, etc.

When Alki walked in, his eyes widened as he saw Cherine. “You been keeping secrets from me Roberto? Who is this lovely young lady. Vre, you got a daughter and you never told me?” He walked over to her and shook hands, gravely introducing himself. As he turned to me I saw Cherine throw me a glance and it was warm, she was smiling, happy for some reason.

Lunch went very well as I explained to him how I had met Cherine, how I have grown to love her and my problem with her travelling to school on her own. His twinkling eyes as he interrupted me repeatedly to chat with Cherine reminded me why I am so fond of this old bear. He never talked down to her and had her responding to him and prattling away as if they have been best of friends for years. I was very pleased.

“Alki, I wanted to make clear to you I am not trying to pull off the typical Greek trick; I am not starting my own business. The way I work with you, I already have that. You pay me a great basic, good commissions if my work sells, I work my own hours and from wherever I want to work from. And I leave all the problems of running ‘my’ business to you!”

He waved my comments aside in dismissal. “You talk too much Roberto. You said everything with your eyes long ago. You think I do not see whenever you look at her? Your eyes always betray you, but even with Dominique they never spoke like this.” He turned to Cherine. “You my pretty flower, he loves very much. But you know that, you do not need me to tell you. Does he know how much you love him?”

“No.” She was not giggling, very serious, whereas I was on the verge of having an embarrassing fit of them when he called her a flower. I saw her glance at me and I could swear she knew what was going through my mind, and like a miniature adult she gave me a warning look.

40

When we parted, Alki gave his hand to Cherine, but she ignored him and reaching up gave him a hug. He roughened her hair and his face set, he left.

“Why did he want to cry?”

“What?! What are you talking about?” I could not even imagine Alki crying.

“When I hugged him he wanted to cry. Didn’t you see?” she accused me. It seemed important for some reason to her.

“I did notice his face set, as if something was upsetting him, now that you mention it, maybe he did want to. I don’t know why my love. Maybe seeing you made him very sad as he realised what he is missing by not having any children.”

She stamped her foot, angry with me, as if I was deliberately refusing to see an obvious truth. “Not seeing me. Seeing you.”

She would not elaborate, for some reason angry or upset by my obtuseness. Hours later she suddenly asked me, out of the blue, whether I can invite Alki to join us next time I take her for an ice cream at Kolonaki Square. I felt a very slight twinge of jealousy, but I was pleased she has taken to him and agreed. She laughed, for no reason I could fathom, and turned back to her homework.

As I had feared, Cherine was spending at least a couple of afternoons each week with her friend, though luckily they were mostly spent in my apartment. If I could have resented the presence of Maria-Elena, I would not have, not once I heard Cherine laughing and giggling while they played. They mostly preferred to sit in my bedroom with the double doors nearly closed, only passing through the sitting room where I worked for going to the kitchen or to the bathroom, and though I sometimes wondered what they talked about for so many hours, I was glad to know she is happy at last. Although I had done nothing of the sort, I could not help feeling I am partly responsible for this happiness of hers.

I pondered the matter about Nicko and Alki and how Cherine reacted to them. She had not taken to Nicko, who is young, good-looking, (he is taller than me by about two inches, has an athletic build, though slim, and his dark eyes which resemble those of Dommi, attract the women by the dozens), he is charming and my best friend. Yet she had taken to Alki, a gruff old bear. I tried to dismiss the matter as unimportant, but for some reason I felt a presentiment; she is not a usual child, maybe her instincts are better than mine. Or maybe she just does not like Nicko because he is the brother of Dominique and she is still jealous of her, sees her as a threat. I gave up, I could run in circles like this forever. But still, she has never been so determined about anything before. She has seemed, in some ways, more adult than child. And what did she mean “Not seeing me. Seeing you”?

I prepared the sheet for Nicko and he promised to return with answers. He did not as the weeks went by. Then a very weird thing happened to me. It was a Saturday afternoon. Cherine often does not come down during weekends as her mother is at home or Maria-Elena visits there and they play in her bedroom upstairs.

I was sitting at my computer, totally lost in the fantasy world I was creating when, without warning, I had an awful feeling, shot up and ran out to the street, knowing in the back of my mind it had to do with Cherine. As I turned the corner onto the pavement, I saw a man bending down reaching for Cherine. Roughly I pushed through and grabbed her, my heart hammering.

“Baby you alright? Speak to me. Are you hurt, what happened?” Her white-rimmed eyes stared up at me and she was obviously badly shaken.

The man spoke in English, a very cultured English, as only a foreigner would speak. “I am extremely sorry, I bumped into your little girl. It was an accident.”

I just stared at Cherine, but she would not talk. I examined her, could see nothing wrong. I asked her again if she is hurt and when she did not reply, I told her I will take her to hospital unless she answers me. There were a number of cars hooting.

“My car is blocking the road. If you need to take her to hospital it is better you let me take you.”

41

“I’m not hurt. No hospital, I don’t want to die.”

I stared at her and it felt as if my heart was suddenly lying somewhere far below the pavement. The man apologised again and left. The old lady from the kiosk then explained to me that the man had run from his car to buy something and as he came around the corner of the kiosk he had run into the little girl. I checked her again, ignoring the people standing around us, gossiping amongst themselves, looking at us. As far as I could see, only the palms of her hands were scratched. I picked her up and carried her to my home.

As I cleansed and tended her hands I was bursting with questions, my panic now a confusion. “What do you mean you don’t want to go to hospital, that you will die?”

“They took daddy to hospital for him to die. I saw him die there.”

This little kid has wounds deeper than I had realised. What am I to do about it? I tried explaining about hospitals, about them being good places to go to and so on. She just switched me off by falling asleep again. For the first time I truly realised her sleeping is not just a defensive reflex I can ignore. My little girl has a desperate need for help. I spent a while worrying about it, for I dare not seem to presume I have any rights over Cherine, not when talking to Marian.

When I took her back to her mother, she was tucked in bed and Marian came back to sit with me, the way she looked at me making it obvious she senses I want to speak to her.

“Marian, this sleeping thing of Cherine is a cry for help. We must get some professional help for her. I know it is expensive, but I’ll pay for it.” She could see I was deeply disturbed and she listened to me as I explained what had happened, with her mouth drawn into a tight line. When I ended she exploded.

“My daughter will not be taken to a shrink, not by you or anyone else. Who do you think you are! I am her mother, you are nothing to her, you do not have any right to tell me what to do. Just because you help a bit, you now think you have a right to tell me what to do with my daughter!?” As she carried on in a similar vein, I sat there in shock. She actually resents me. She could use this to stop me from seeing Cherine anymore. She is not going to help her if she also stops our being together, I knew we would both be hurt.

I danced around, shuffling through her anger, trying to calm her, appease her, but I had to leave with the threat still lying over us. I did not sleep well that night. I was distraught at just the idea of losing my little girl. It came to me now like a blow, how much I love and need her. The person, the sweet cheeky darling girl I love so much. That untamed spirit of love which has made me totally hers.

Sunday passed so slowly, I would not know until Monday morning what her mother has decided. This was torture, fear was pulling me to pieces. In my despair I even considered going upstairs, to try again to calm her down. My logical side warned me this would be the wrong thing to do. I was on the point of giving in to my irrational side, when I heard the key turn and Cherine walked in. She came to me and held me. She was murmuring softly. I could not hear. She looked up at me, eyes bright with tears.

“I will never let her stop me seeing you. Please do not be so afraid. You are mine. Mine!” she ended fiercely. It was as if I was the child and she the adult, my need and fear was so strong. Her conviction soothed me and I sat, placing her on my lap.

“Did she say anything to you today?”

“No. Nothing.”

“Did she say anything last night then?”

“No.”

“Then how do you know?”

“I know.” she said flatly. She got up. I pulled her back and held her tightly to me.

“Can’t you stay a few minutes, please?”

42

“Oh I can stay. Mum has gone to visit. I just wanted to get a soda.” Already starting with Americanisms, I wryly thought. Okay, anything, nothing mattered, as long she stays in my life. As she helped herself I thought, reprieved, but for how long? I could not bear the thought that I depend on the whims of her mother. One word and I would lose my life blood. What if I tried to woo her, marry her, then maybe I could convince her to let me adopt my Cherine. I pictured myself married to her and knew it was not possible.

Cherine, in the kitchen, giggled or chortled. As I searched for an answer, Cherine returned, stood in front of me, her eyes deep and dark and bringing her face very close to mine she said in a matter of fact voice again: “Stop worrying. She will not ever stop me from coming to you...she can’t, I’ll never let her.”

The matter settled to her satisfaction she put on the tv, lay on the carpet and watched her cartoons while I watched her with confused thoughts running through my mind. I could not understand why I was so easily swayed by her determined statements, as if she is an adult and can prevent her mother from interfering. I also found it odd that a child would speak this way, and yet, something prevented me from asking any more questions.

She was right. Nothing further was said to me. The next morning, Cherine appeared on time and we left for school as usual. But it was not entirely to be as usual, I knew, for the fear of losing my Cherine will always be there from now onwards.

Only days later, she sat doing her homework as usual while I just lounged on the sofa, not in the mood to work while I had her company. As she concentrated, pen in mouth, she swung her leg. My eye drawn there, I noticed she had grazed her knee. I made a mental note, when she took a break to clean it and put on some iodine. At the thought, a picture formed in my mind of me kneeling in front of her and as I tended her knee she would be going “ow” and I would lean forward to softly blow on her knee. I was overcome with a sudden need to see and touch her. It had been so long! What with her homework, the guitar lessons, the tennis, we never seemed to have time to ourselves anymore. Even the little time we have is often taken over by her friend appearing to spend the afternoon with her. They usually sit in the garden, or even my bedroom if the weather is not good, the door closed, giggling and whispering. I sometimes wish they would play in the same room with me, but I also knew it is not a wise wish.

I did not resent the time she spends apart from me, or with her friends. I do want her to grow up with a normal full childhood behind her, not just memories of her ‘daddy’. I was desperate in my efforts to ensure that the moments she did spend with me, were only a small part of her happy and carefree memories. I could not afford to show the jealousies and resentments adults so often indulge in. For me she was a miracle I did not deserve and I believed I must always remain grateful for those few but precious moments we could share. All of the above was how I wanted it to be, how I tried to make it be.

She came and sat on my lap. “Why do you love me so much?”

“Because you are you. And because you are you, I cannot help it, I just adore you.”

“No, I mean, why do you want me so much. I could not do my homework you were wanting me so much.” My face felt like all blood had left it. Tied to my love for her as my daughter, were those moments when I was stirred erotically, but I felt I was controlling it, not letting myself even think of my doing anything to her.

At first my sense of guilt made me think she was referring as to why I, an adult, was reacting to her physically. Then I realised it is not her concern, only an adult would ask that. Now it was my turn to be puzzled. I thought back over our months of knowing each other. The first time, the raw animal lust that fed upon itself, reaching a crescendo within a remarkably short, but intense few minutes without my doing anything to her. Many puzzling pieces were starting to come together and I could not believe them. I could hardly breathe, to speak.

“I’m going to have to think about this a bit. You know what I think it is?” She nodded, her eyes suddenly anxious.

“This is going to sound crazy. Even I cannot believe it, but there is no other explanation.” A thought occurred to me, “One more question before I explain myself. The very first time you came to my garden, why did you come? You have told me the caretaker had warned you to stay away from me.”

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I hope you enjoy reading this story of fantasy, adventure and love.