Little Cherine Book 01 - BPost005

arthur.grafo4 (60)in #sfandf-fiction • 6 years ago

^{“Robert, it is nice to see you again. You’re looking good!” I had a puzzled frown for a moment as I pulled my mind back to the here and now, so he added, “Do you remember me? I am George Sakellariou, a friend of Nicko?”}

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57

I pulled my limbs back from the other chairs and came to my feet. “Of course, I recognised you, I was just lost in my thoughts and needed a few seconds to return to reality. Won’t you join me?”

The waiter was next to us, so I ordered him his favourite whiskey (whether the young Greeks like it or not, they all make a big thing out of how they only drink Chivas Regal). What struck me as funny (I’m glad, for not that long ago it would have been cause for my feeling bitter), is that I have seen Giorgo sitting at these cafés many times over the last year and he never made a move to greet me. I accepted that as my way of sitting had betrayed the change in me, so had my previous visits to the plateia broadcast a need to be left alone. It would have been more mature of me if I had understood this while I was still hurting and closing myself in like a rolled up hedgehog, but then, what a calamity it would have been if I were more mature, for then I would probably never have met and loved my sweet Cherine.

“Giorgo, last time we were together, you were full of excitement about buying your first ship. What happened?”

“You remember!” I could see it pleased him. It had been something I liked about him, he did not pose and hide his true feelings. “That ship totally destroyed my way of life.” He laughed. “I bought it for seven hundred thousand dollars, found a good charterer for it, which left me with a nice profit each month and then I was offered one million three hundred thousand for it and I sold it. I became really hooked on shipping and making money and bought two ships with the money I had and am presently negotiating a third ship. I never imagined I would become like my father!” He was laughing as he added, “You know what is the worst of it? He’s proud of me now!”

“Does this mean you have given up on your writing?”

He tipped his glass at me, took a sip and leaning forward told me, “Just between you and me, I am still writing. Don’t tell Nicko or anyone else.”

I grinned. “Why? Have they been telling you that you have matured and it is good you have left those kind of childish dreams behind you?”

He nodded to himself. “Of course, as an artist, of course you would understand. Robert, may I speak as a Greek to a Greek? I know you British hate it when others poke their nose in your personal problems.”

I am certain he could feel my pleasure when I answered, “Today I feel more like a Greek than an Englishman, so go ahead.”

“I did see you the other times you came to the plateia, but I pretended I did not because I saw on your face that you did not want anyone to speak to you.”

I lost my easy smile. “Giorgo, you brought it up, so I hope you are not too upset by what I will tell you. You are right, I felt that way and I’m certain I showed it, but underneath it, I was dying to have someone reach out, greet me, show me I am still their friend - damn it, even to just show me they still think I am a human being. If you wish to be a writer, you must learn to look beyond the obvious.”

I had not realised he is so vulnerable, nor had I realised I sounded aggressive and resentful and Cherine helped me sense how he felt and I cringed.

“Robert, I am so sorry.”

“Don’t be, perhaps your instincts helped you do the right thing for me, despite my own feelings then. I needed the time I spent on my own so as to come to terms with life. As you see, I have recovered.” I smiled. “As an artist, suffering is supposed to be good for me. Obviously it worked, for I am flooded with orders.” He chuckled, relieved. “Giorgo, if you had tried to be my friend, you would have had to put up with my sour cynicism and bitterness. I am glad I was not placed in the position to darken the lives of my friends.” Cherine sent me a raspberry and I sent her back a kiss.

Of course, now that Giorgo had acknowledged me and others could see we were talking and laughing, a couple more friends stopped to sit at my table. Giorgo was careful to steer the conversation to less personal subjects and when everyone left, they thought I am just as shallow as they are, which meant I would be good company, so they asked whether they will be seeing me at the disco that night. I told them I have something better to do, but refused to explain. Giorgo was the only one to ask me to phone him.

Once they were gone and I had paid, I took the long way home, for I was enjoying my thoughts. I realised I have turned an important corner - thanks to Cherine. Maybe she could not hear my exact thoughts, though I sometimes suspect she can, but she felt me keenly enough to send me another kiss.

That night I designed my first of the Kaleidoscope World series which has since then established a cult following of its own, creating problems and opening potentials I never would have imagined. My only clue at the time was the next day when I met Cherine, ready to take her to school. She refused to go. She insisted I did something last night to her dreams. She wanted to know what I did, how did I do it. While the taxi waited I showed her my latest work. She stared as if she could see into the picture of the fantasy world I had created and tears were streaming. My favourite art critic thereon. I was amazed that a little girl can emote so strongly from seeing a fantasy picture of mine.

“That was what I saw. It was so beautiful.”

“I’ll print you a copy. Can we go now?”

As we drove to school she finally broke her silence. “Did you get that from my dream, or did I get my dream from you?”

“I don’t know. Has anything like this happened before?” I did not get a reply for a long time. Finally she said no.

Once I was at my office I sat, not able to work, considering this new twist. What were the ethics here? If I stole it from a dream of hers, did I have the right to call it mine? Was it honest? About two hours later my telephone rang. It was the school. They asked me to come and pick up Cherine. She was not well they said. Nothing serious, just a tummy upset. I had not sensed anything wrong, so I smelt a rat. Yes, something was worrying her, but she was not sick.

“What’s the real problem girlie?” I asked as we walked out.

“I think Dominique needs us.” I suggested we first phone her. She refused, saying Dominique would tell us not to come, but we must go to her. As I collected my things and we locked the office, she asked me, ”Why can I feel her so strongly?”

“The only thing I can suggest is that when you played your nasty trick on her, you actually left a door open between you. You established a link. Has this happened before?”

“I did not think of that. Let me try to remember.” I knew she was not trying to remember, she was shying away from a memory that disturbed her. In a while she asked me to wait until after Dominique before we talk. I did not pressure her.

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“I think you must be the only eight year old who has adopted an eighteen year old. Jesus, you pretend to be sick to get out of school to go mother her!” Despite my tone she laughed, easily seeing through me.

“You told me that when you meet people, you can feel who is nice, who you like, and those you do not. Is she a nice one?” I could not resist finding out. Such was my confidence in her now I would have accepted her judgement, whatever it was.

“Very nice.” She giggled, “I did not like her the first time I met her, but that was because I was jealous and afraid. Also I made a mistake, I thought she was dead, remember?” Again she giggled. Beneath her giggling there was a joy, a giddy feeling of exuberance at finally being able to talk to me about it.

“How is it that you are sensing her strongly enough to need to go to her, but her emotions are not depressing you? I feel happiness in you.”

“You are with me.”

I began to see how ordinary couples, deeply in love could mess up. If I did not know about the gift, I would have misinterpreted her short answer as a compliment, whereas she was only stating a fact. My happiness at being with her, my love, was blanketing Dominique. In a playful mood I pretended to whisper in her ear so as to tickle her. In mock fierceness she whispered, “Now I owe you one.”

As we came closer to Dominique, my mood became more serious as I thought of what my friend is going through for my sake. “What do you think you can do for her? Can you make her stop loving me? It’s only fair if you can.”

“I don’t think so,” she drawled, as if I was dragging it out of her, “but you also love her, why don’t you want her to love you?”

I whispered, even softer, to prevent the driver hearing me, “You fishing for compliments? You know I cannot be with her. You are my life now, all I want or ever will want.”

“No. You must not stop loving her!” She sounded distraught, in a panic. “Why do you think I helped her remember she loves you!”

I immediately re-directed the cab to the nearest park. “Dominique will have to wait. You and I are going to have a good talk. It’s about time we do.”

As we walked among the trees I found a deserted bench. “Now tell me, what is bugging you. My love, please try to tell me the truth.”

“Nothing.” A surly answer, but waves of fear were hammering at me.

“Not nothing and you know it. Why do you say I must love her. It is not natural, I know you love me and we both know now that we cannot bear to be separated. So why do you want me to love her? What makes it so important?”

She would not answer me so I carried on ruthlessly. “When you say you want me to love her, that includes me having her at our home, sharing my bed with her, making love to her, while you have to sit alone upstairs?”

In a small voice, “Yes”

“And you want that? Be honest damn it.”

“No”

“So why? What is troubling you. You are not crazy, you must have a reason, so tell me.” I felt her crying, but there were no tears in her eyes. Her little hands were twisting her skirt in anguish, but she would not talk.

59

I took a wild guess. “Something happened to you, maybe long ago that makes you frightened that something bad will happen if I do not love Dominique?”

“I know what you think, but you are wrong. I did kill my daddy.” Now at last the tears came.

I took her hands in mine. “You are now a part of me, just like I think I am a part of you. Whatever it was that you did, I cannot love you any less. I think it may be time for you to hear what I have to say, then maybe you can open your heart to me, maybe you can trust me not to ever stop loving you. Okay?” She nodded her assent.

“We have already discussed how I could not understand why or how I could come to love you so deeply and so quickly. I know the reasons now. Part of what held me back was my agony at what I saw as my unnatural sexual love for you. When I guessed about your gift of emoting, I said I now understood and was able to accept all the aspects of our love. The guilt that was tormenting me dissolved and I was at last free to be what I am. A man in love with a wonderful and very special girl, whatever your age may be. You’ve noticed I’ve stopped calling you my daughter; yes, you must have, as you also stopped calling me daddy. That was because I no longer have to hide behind excuses for feeling the love I do for you.

But I did not think things through my love. By the way, it still feels weird somewhere inside me, a grown man to be sitting with an eight year old girl and calling her his love, as if she were a full grown woman. I still tend to want to look over my shoulder in case anyone hears me. Know what I mean?” Subliminally she answered.

“I made one very big mistake, a mistake you ended up paying for. I traumatised you and it will take a long time before I can forgive myself, as I do not have a heart as generous as yours. Cherine, I did not think it through. When I realised what a magical girl you are, I thought I was so clever, so adaptable that I admired myself. Here I am faced with a unique situation and I did not respond like some dark ages peasant, fearful of all that is different about you. Great! Just shows how stupid anybody can be if they do not use their brains and consider all the implications.

I treated you as if you had just acquired your talent. I did not stop to wonder how a lifetime of emoting, of being fed other people’s emotions would affect you. I find I did not even appreciate the true strength of your gift. I did not make allowances for the need to develop some defences. I did not even try to imagine what temptations you must have faced that no other person has ever had to face - I do still wonder about it and would like to hear of some of them someday, once you are more comfortable speaking about your past and gifts with me. I still think I am very ignorant about all the implications, the life you must have had to live. There is one thing though that I do know. You are no longer alone. You will never be alone again. Whatever happens, whatever you have done, I will always be there for you.

One last small point then you can tell me to shut up. The question occurred to me. Why such a vast difference in our ages. If nature created you and needed you to have someone you can identify with, why not someone your age, or close to it. Maybe this is nature’s way of ensuring you survive. Someone older, more experienced in the world of adults because that is the world that is of danger to you right now. Maybe I am just there for this time and you will find someone more suited to your needs as an adult at that time. I do not know, but I do know that I am here now and I will be by your side for as long as you want me. There cannot ever again be anyone else for me.

That is it my love. I will not pressure you to talk to me, but I would like you to. I can only help if I know what your problems are, if I know what is torturing you - actually, if you help me understand.” I kept my thoughts and emotions as calm and loving as I could. I wanted her to feel that I was being totally open with her. It felt as if she was wrestling with herself. Finally her trust in me won.

“When I was little I did some bad things. I did not know they were bad. Sometimes when my daddy kissed my mummy or they were in the bedroom and loving each other, I was happy, it made me feel good. But sometimes it did not. Sometimes I got jealous and wanted my daddy to only love me. At those times he would leave her and come to cuddle and kiss me. I felt very happy and full of love for him. This made him come to me all the time. He stopped going to my mummy.

I could feel my mummy hurting and maybe I would have changed, but I also felt her being angry with me, hating me. This made me feel I must win, make daddy only mine. I started to think how nice it would be if only me and daddy lived together. By the time my daddy guessed what I was able to do, like you did, it was too late. My mummy could not show him she loved him anymore. She was too angry and feeling nasty all the time. Daddy told me to be careful. He said I must never let anyone guess about me. He said everyone would think I am a freak. I could feel that he was scared, sometimes even afraid of me. He tried to teach me not to use it, only to protect myself, he said. He told me no other person can do what I can and they will get afraid if they know and they will hate me and hurt me.

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One day I came back from school and my daddy was not there, only my mummy. She said I was a little bitch, that she knew what I have been doing. She said that because of me, my daddy had left us. That he was never coming back. I knew she was telling me the truth, but I called her a liar. She slapped me. I forgot what daddy told me. I made her feel my pain, added her pain and kept on making it stronger and stronger until she screamed and fainted. I was more used to it, but it was still too much for me. I screamed in my head, again and again for daddy, come back, please help me daddy.”

I expected her, here, to be overcome by the memories, but she carried on in a flat very adult tone. “He tried to come back, but when he turned, another car was coming and it crashed into him. Soon as it happened I knew. My daddy was hurting very badly. I could feel him blaming me and it made me want to die.

…Afterwards, my mummy made me go with her to hospital. She said I must see him, see what I have done. By making him leave us he had an accident and they have taken him to hospital so that he can die. When we were there, he did not even know I was there. I could only feel the terrible pain he had. I fainted and when I woke up mummy said he was dead. I tried, I tried so hard to find him, but there was nothing left. He was completely gone.” Now she looked up at me, her eyes still dry, her nose and eyes circled in white lines. “Robert I did kill him, you see. I was bad and it is my fault.”

I did not know what to say. Who could hear her, feel her pain and find words to soothe her. Not me, I am not good at making false arguments. All I could do was hope that over time my love can draw some of that pain from her. I was struggling not to cry, yet she was just sitting opposite me, holding it all in.

“Robert.” I looked at her. “You must love Dominique. You must not love me too much. I cannot bear it if you also die. Then I really will have nobody to love.”

My chest hurt from the pain in my heart. I could not speak for the aching lump in my throat. I did the only thing I could. I took her in my arms and held her tightly. I could feel her forcing herself not to feel her pain, she was trying to block it for my sake. Her determination not to lose me was forcing her to face her nightmare coldly, without emotion, so that she can try and save me. She really believes I will die if I love her too much. I don’t think she could make much sense of the emotional storm I was emoting, but she was uncanny in how deep she was under my skin.

She then confessed, “I did make you afraid of me also. Again it was ’cause I was bad. That day I could feel you were very near to dying. I was so frightened, but then I felt Dominique helping you. I waited for her to go. I promised myself that if only you live I will never again send you my love, at least not so much.”

“You thought she was able to help me because of my love for her?” Since she would have seen the truth, I thought back to my condition and feelings at the time. I was right. “Cherine, she helped me by pointing out a few truths to me. She made me think a bit clearer. I was trying to force myself to leave you, that was what was killing me, but I was determined to do it because I was afraid that I was harming you with my love. She pointed out that if I left you, I would not be saving you, I would destroy you, because you love me so much.” I lifted her chin and grinned at her. “Of course she thought that you love me as your daddy.” She didn’t smile back.

“My darling baby, the truths you told me are too big for me to give you one easy answer. But we have our lives to live together. We will find them together over the years. We will share our pains and our joys just as we share our hearts. I personally do not think you killed your father, I am sure you were made to think you did. Hear me out before you start blocking me. As I always keep telling you, use your head. Your mother told you that you killed him. But, and this is important, she does not know about your gift, your special talent. So how could she think you killed him? You said it yourself, she was angry with you. And I know why. She could see that your daddy loved you more than he loved her. That would make many mothers very happy. You were unlucky, it made her try to use you to move the blame from her. Your daddy, I am sure, was not leaving because of you, he was probably leaving because he could not bear to live with her. Shit, this is stupid. You are the expert on knowing how people feel. Surely you must have known he did not want her. Yes, maybe you pushed him into loving you more than he had, but that is all.”

61

I could sense from her emoting and from the tenseness of her body that she was not convinced. As I desperately tried to think, a good example came to mind. “That silly thing you did to Dominique, I understand it now. You were wrong to do it and she will have to pay for it and I will have to feel guilty about her pain. It was not a responsible thing to do. Cherine, I believe your gift is not for you to manipulate people for your own benefit, or even for the sake of those you love, you should only use it to help others. Okay, so you thought you were doing it for me, which is a little better than you doing it for yourself. What I want to ask you though is this. If Dominique did not love me at all, could you have made her love me?”

“I don’t think so”

“And if I loved Dominique with all my heart and you did not want me to, could you make me stop loving her?”

“I don’t know. Maybe not.” She hesitated. “Maybe.”

“So, even if you could, it would be very hard to do and you would know you had done it. Did you do that to your daddy. Did you make him stop loving your mummy?”

“No. Not like that.”

“Not in any way. The hearts of human beings can love more than one person, however much he loved you, there was still plenty of space for him to love your mummy. Lots of fathers adore their children, but also love their wife. Cherine, he happened to stop loving her for his own reasons. You were just a scapegoat.”

“What kind of goat?”

I laughed. “A really sexy goat. Or goatess, or whatever a female goat is called.”

“A nanny goat, silly.”

I don’t know where the inspiration came from, how I was able to develop the arguments I made. I was sincere about them and she was, despite all, just a small child and one who needed to believe what I’d told her. As she began to find absolution, she found that big heart of hers again and cried for her mother and for all she has suffered.

I finally pointed out that it would be far kinder of us to leave Dominique alone, to let her find her own way through her pain so that she learns from it. I made what felt like a catty remark, about pain maybe teaching her to value the next love she finds. Mentally I added, of course she does not have a Cherine waiting for her. Okay, I’ll admit, whatever I said or thought, the truth is, I do not want my Dommi to suffer and I still love her. Maybe we’ll find a way to help her without risking Cherine’s heart. It’s just that I don’t know yet what we are capable of doing, or how to try and find out.

Our experiments were useful but they did not answer these kind of questions. At least I am learning from Cherine. For example, she insists we must help all the people we care about, even if it ends up hurting us. I would never tell her, but when she says or does something that shows how mature she is, it helps me feel better about loving her while she is so young. It also frightens me when I try to imagine what she will be like once she is an adult - I cannot see how she can then still love me.

As I mentioned previously, school started at the beginning of September, and from the comments and marks on her homework, it seems Cherine is doing very well. Six weeks after the beginning of the term, they had parents day and Marian asked me to go with her. I wanted to, feeling how happy it made Cherine, I did not feel it is a duty, I eagerly looked forward to it.

Cherine proudly showed us around, pointing out her desk in each classroom, which for me is great as I can now visualise where she is when I look at her school timetable. Then she had to go off with the other kids and we went to meet her teachers. I have always been quick to judge people from the way they look, even though I am aware of how wrong I am to do so. The teacher who spoke to us about Cherine is her Maths teacher and I disliked her on sight. She praised Cherine, telling Marian that she is one of her best students and what a bright mind she has.

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Perhaps she had felt my initial reaction to her, or else her own initial reaction to me was also negative, but she hardly noticed me, even when I made a comment about me being useless at maths and I am proud to hear Cherine is doing so well. I would not have noted this day in the diary if it was not for what happened afterwards. Another teacher asked to speak to us and drew us away from the other parents.

“I am worried about Cherine. As the other teachers must have told you, she is an intelligent girl and she works hard. She is also well behaved and obeys our rules. However, I have been watching her and I cannot understand why she is such a loner. Many of her classmates have tried to be friends, but apart from one, Maria-Elena, she does not respond to them in a friendly manner. Are there any psychological problems we should be aware of?”

I quickly interjected, “Just in case of any misunderstandings, I am only a friend of the family, I am not her father. Her father died about eighteen months ago in a car accident.”

Patiently she told me, “It is noted in her file.” She turned to Marian. “Does she have other friends outside of school?”

I kept my fingers crossed, desperately hoping Marian will lie, for I knew what their reaction would be if she answered that there are none. Marian must have sensed me, for she put her hand on my arm for a moment.

“She has three or four, some days it is three and sometimes four.” She smiled and shrugged. “They are all Greek and I encourage her, as I am hoping she’ll learn to speak Greek faster. As they stay in Kolonaki, I am told they come from good families and it means I do not have to worry about how she spends her afternoons.”

“That is a relief - I’ll see that it is noted in her file. Do you think she needs counselling for adjusting to the loss of her father?”

“She did have some counselling at home, at her previous school, and I was told she is adjusting in a healthy manner, but that I should encourage her to talk about him when she feels the need.”

After that it was smooth sailing and when we left, I told them that since we are over halfway to Kefalari, I want to treat them to a Greek supper at Moustakas. I was careful not to compliment Marian on her skillful lies, though she was partially telling the truth; Alki, Dommi, Nicko and I all come from good families…well, the others do, and Marian did not claim they/we are children.

Since Marian had claimed Dommi as one of Cherine’s friends, I sent her a bouquet of flowers and a plant for her birthday, creating the card myself, but with individually signed messages and best wishes. However, Dominique did not acknowledge receipt. I’m glad I did not mention it to Cherine, though what she knows is not clear to me. For instance, she liked a miniature portrait I did of her and when I told her it is hers, she asked me to keep it so that her mother doesn’t take it, and then she told me that one day she wants to give it to Dominique.

As usual, customers who have sites from us, asked for special pages to reflect their specials for the season and their best wishes to their visitors, which is work others can best deal with at a lower cost to the company, but no new customers asked for sites, so I have not been busy and can relax until the second half of January, concentrating on creating paintings for myself - some on screen and some on canvas. Because of this, until the school closed for their holidays, it meant that Cherine actually saw less of me.

I would do some of my painting in the office during the morning, but after I’d returned her home I would walk around Athens with a sketch pad, looking for inspiration. I did not want to create the typical paintings of Athens, the agorae, the antiquities and so on, as most artists do. I only looked for unusual details that would add something to my paintings of worlds that only exist in my imagination, some based on our planet and some not.

Cherine likes my paintings, all of them, but Alki does not. I think paintings of fantasy worlds do not attract him, he prefers works of art which are either based on something of nature or man, or else, it must have some deep symbolic meaning. He also dislikes what he names ‘defeatist’ art. Still, he does examine my paintings carefully and when I improve my technique or come up with a new way of representing the commonplace, he does notice it and compliment me.

63

Cherine spends time with her friend, but if the weather is good, she’ll sometimes come with me on my long walks. She seems to be obsessed by my ability to see something ordinary and transform it, for I see her watching me as I sketch and then she stares at whatever I captured on paper, examining it in every way she can think of, trying to see or feel what there is about it that inspired me. She’ll ask me questions, for which I am usually hard pressed to find an answer, both for her and for me.

I am as most artists who have moments of creativity, loth to examine too closely how it happens, for fear of losing whatever quirk it is in my mind that makes such beautiful magic possible. When she then sees how I incorporated the detail in a painting I feel her emoting awe and frustration, for she remains puzzled by how I saw what was special in that object and tries to work out how I knew it would enhance a painting I had not even conceived at the time.

Because of this interest of hers, which actually is more concerned with understanding me than plumbing the secrets of creativity, something very beautiful happened to Cherine. At supper one night, I mentioned her interest to Alki, commenting on how I wish she could meet other artists, those who paint or sculpt and those who can write, so that she can try to sense how they do it, without making it obvious that she is able to see into their minds. For Alki, it seems nothing is too much trouble if it is for Cherine. He took time off from his work to take her to meet some of the best artists of Greece. One of them only lives a block away from me and he owns the four storey building he lives and works in!

Cherine invariably came back from these visits filled with awe for the minds she shared from. Although I always make such a big thing about respecting the privacy of the minds of others, with these artists I have encouraged her to share from them, though I have asked her to try and avoid spying on their personal moments. I want her to experience as many minds as she can while they are in the throes of creating art. She has told me she discusses with Alki what she has learnt, and he makes it obvious he is in awe of her and believes she has a gift, an insight into how artists think and, as a matter of fact, she tells me she senses he envies her the ability of being able through intuition, to share from true artists their moments of creation. He vainly hopes that the more such minds she shares from, the more her own creative abilities will blossom.

I do not see why I should disillusion him, for, who knows, maybe my ideas are wrong and she will be affected. I just have a feeling that Cherine is too practical, too objective, for her to learn how to translate what she sees into something uniquely hers. The description of ‘objective’ is ‘undistorted by emotion or personal bias; based on observable phenomena’ which may sound strange to anyone who has met Cherine and knows of her gifts, for they are all linked to emotions, but I still feel I am right, she is emotional and unrealistic in some ways because of her gifts, but at the same time, she somehow keeps her feet on the ground almost all the time, through her ability to remain focussed on reality, rather than on how she wants life to be - as I do too often.

It is perhaps the reason why we are so well suited, complementing each other so as to create a unit, a sum which is greater than its components. I’m glad, for I have always held to the romantic notion that this is what love should do to all lovers.

Chapter Thirteen

Alki invited us, mother, daughter and myself to his island home on Ydra for the Christmas holidays. Marian surprised me by accepting, despite her not feeling comfortable with Alki. Since Cherine was excited, I graciously gave in. This is not the first time he has invited me, as he also has a villa at Sounion, by the seaside, where he goes during the summer on weekends, but I have always declined. I had wanted to keep our relationship, while friendly, a business one. I already feel myself feeling too friendly as it is and I fear it could lead to either him or me taking advantage of the other. All which gives me the right to say, I am Robert Teller, with pride, is my talent, and that I am earning my own way, not relying on my father or friends.

64

I was also not too happy about being with Marian for nearly two weeks, day in and day out. Let’s face it, living in the same apartment block is bad enough and I cannot imagine having to live in the same house with her. I also am terrified of her. I find myself walking on eggs whenever she is around. It would only take a small decision on her part, perhaps out of anger or spite because of something I say or do, and I would lose Cherine. I feel I have managed to survive by living according to the theory that she knows I am a convenience, and as long as I am not around to make any mistakes to make her temper flare, she will leave well alone, tolerating my presence.

Cherine must have been inundated by my anxiety, but for the recent past she seems to be impervious to all my moods, for she is in a constant frenzy. For the first time in her life she is being invited to school friend’s parties, visiting with Maria-Elena at each others homes, and a couple of times she actually went out shopping with Dominique - she told me that Dominique invited her, she did not call and ask to see her. Not that my little girl ignores me, she is forever watchful, reassuring, but I insisted she enjoy herself and she took me at my word.

Despite what I just wrote, she seems to be starting to ‘mother’ me, I can feel I am always a nagging worry in the background of her happiness. In her mind, as she has told me, her present happiness does not come from her friends or where she goes, it owes its existence to me; knowing I am there for her, always waiting with love, she is able to free herself from her fears and be happy - like a child. She is still afraid something will happen to me and she will then be left alone again.

I do not know or believe that I am the only person in the whole world who can be awakened by her. What I do know is that I am the only one she has found, and the fact is that it may not be likely that another would also love her or be as compatible as we are. If I am so terrified of not only losing her, but of even being apart from her for more than just hours, how can I blame her for her fears, after all she has been through because of me.

A normal person may love her, as her mother does, but our relationship goes so much deeper, so much more intimate than just love can. If I lost her I would suffer a loss more dramatic than it would have been only a month earlier. It sounds so unbelievable, how can receiving the emotions of another person be more important than life itself. But when those emotions are compounded as we augment them with our own and send them shuttling backwards and forwards! Can a love be imagined which has been multiplied, my love for her, added to her love for me?

After the shock I went into at the thought of having to be separated from her, I now have my suspicions that it will be physically impossible for either of us to outlive the other. That worries me, for I am older than her and men do tend to die younger. Am I someday going to kill the person I love so much? If anything should happen to her, god forbid, just the thought makes me sick, and I know for certain I would not miss one second of the time I could have lived, but I cannot accept that she should suffer and die because of me.

The above kind of questions lead to others, sometimes even more disturbing. For instance, what will happen if one of us gets seriously ill? What if I am in an accident and am condemned to live as a vegetable, or even in a coma. What would it be like for her, linked to me it would be hell for her - though, if I am in a coma, she just might be able to reach in and help me. A million questions and fears torment me. She is not a second away from me and I become totally dependent on my new sense to guard her. It is remarkable how emoting can give clues to what is happening, where she is, what she is doing, even sometimes to what she is talking about. Could we suffer a ‘burn-out’ from too much love?

I would be driving myself crazy, if it were not for my need to shield Cherine. I have not been able to hide a single emotion from her. Only by keeping my thoughts and feelings as vague and nondescript as possible have I been able to shield her from my fears. She senses them, without knowing the details, and not understanding my fears, with the optimism of ignorance and youth, she gets impatient with me. Even to have her scolding me internally gives me pleasure - it means she is still oblivious to all the possibilities.

Originally I was so happy to discover this ‘gift’ and to be a part of it, to know with absolute certainty that I am loved and love, that I belong to someone just as that person belongs to me. I saw it as part of a scenario that will last so many years, with us growing old together. Now I see the other side of the coin. We are far likelier to only have a very short time. Oh my baby, Cherine darling, my little girl, my lover, what have I condemned you to?

65

A side effect of all this torment is my loss of all concern that I love and ‘partly’ make love to a child. She is no longer just a child. She is part of myself. Our passions, even though slight, restricted by my dislike of teaching her about sex, compared to how others experience sex are like comparing the lighting of a match to lighting a stick of dynamite. If we could physically stand it, if I was not so concerned that she also live the life of her years, we could be spending the whole day loving and adoring each other without becoming jaded.

I never saw myself as handsome, no Greek god, just a fairly small, ordinary looking man, not even interesting, mostly the bland kind of face that merges into the crowd. Now from being part of her joy and love, of her tracing the shape of my face, of every part of me in detail, I am no longer so self-conscious or critical. I am only happy that I am blessed with whatever it is that fills her heart with love for me.

Since I am writing of such things, I will add some personal details which trouble me. Although I do not consider myself a prude there are certain things I am not comfortable with. For instance many couples share the bathroom facilities (one on the toilet while the other is washing for example) or leave the door open so that their partner sees and hears all. I always hated the idea. I wanted that however close I am to the person I love, I be able to keep the sense of romance alive between us. Seeing or hearing my loved one piss or shit is not romantic. With Cherine though, if it was needed that I lick her clean I would not hesitate. Nothing to do with or from her could be distasteful to me. Is it also because she is a child? I don’t know, I just know how I feel and am certain will always feel. Yet I have insisted that the one allow the other such moments of privacy and she keeps to my rules most of the time. In the beginning, when she wanted to argue the case, I told her that if our intimacy grows to the point where there is no sense to my rule, my rule will change by itself. She is convinced it will happen, so sees no reason why she should argue the point and upset me.

If Dominique or any other adult should find out to what stage our love has reached, they would not be understanding and say, well done, Robert, for showing such restraint and care, they would see any erotic acts as depraved and my love as ridiculous, at best, and more likely just an excuse I use for justifying the sex. Yet I do not believe there has ever been a love or sex between any adults that can compare to the beauty, the glory of us. We truly are something new and as we grow in our gifts, I am not certain I’ll survive the intensity of our emotions. No wonder I am losing weight.

This sitting at home, pretending to be working while she does her shopping, is driving me up the wall. If it were not for her joy flooding me, I’d be running to her. She must have sensed me, for she sent me the feeling, a promise, of us sleeping in each others arms. I know she means to ‘make’ her mother sleep and steal down to me. I feel myself turning into jelly at the thought of her tiny warmth in my arms. This waiting is the most exquisite torture.

I asked the wife of our thiroros for the recipe and made rice pudding, or rizogalo as it is known in Greece. As I’d hoped, Cherine loved it and, since I did not like it, she ate my share also. She’d had a hectic day with lots of walking, from shop to shop, so I was not surprised when she fell asleep. I did not care, as long as I could hold her, I was happy.

Alki had not warned us of his plans, and it turns out, neither had he warned the others. We were taken to his yacht, only to discover the parents of Dominique, and Dominique herself are also guests. This was actually unbelievable. People of their social set just do not disappear from Athens during this season of parties - unless they can say they are going to be in London, Paris, Bali or some other exotic location. They do not absent themselves for going to a local small island in the middle of winter. The islands tend to be dead quiet in the winter and I wondered what could have made them want to join us. That of course was my egotistical thinking; they were coming to be with their closest friend, Alki. Nicko, thank god, had gone to the United States.

Cherine was ecstatic and made certain I knew what she wanted, so I sat next to Dominique and she sat on her lap. I was amused by how Cherine just presumed Dominique would want her to sit with her and I guess sweet, softhearted Dommi could not resist or refuse her. It seems that just by being a child, Cherine manages to warm her heart. They chatted gaily and I was obviously not meant to attempt to take part, so I had to pretend to be the adult (I’m not very good at it), talking with Alki, Marian and Dominique’s parents.

66

The distance, from Piraeus to the island of Hydra is not great and since we had been promised sunshine and fairly warm weather, the trip by sea made sense and was enjoyable. As the sun sparkled on the blue water and I looked over the side, able to see to quite a depth in the beautiful clear water, I wondered what crumbling remains from ancient history glided past under us, coated with the silt of time. This is an experience anyone can enjoy almost anywhere in the Aegean Sea, there is a feeling of floating on something rarer than water, which is almost magical as you look down into the clear blue-green sea.

As I felt the underlying emotion of love for me and for Dominique, Cherine was also emoting her joy to Dominique. Rather cynically, I could not help wondering, was she unconsciously doing it or deliberately, and why? Cherine turned her head, looked at me, then putting her arms around Dominique said aloud, “I love you”. Yes, there was the love, but it was also a sense of cheekiness that came to me. I knew it was her way of paying me back for my own emoting. I had to laugh.

Without thinking, mostly wanting to tease Cherine (I have no excuse for my stupidity), I leaned over as Dominique answered that she also loves her. Softly I whispered to Dommi, with Cherine also keeping her ears close to my lips, “Who would have ever thought we would find ourselves loving each other, but separated by a cheeky little girl - whom we would both love.”

I instantly regretted my misplaced humour. I cursed myself for speaking without thinking. Dominique only turned her eyes full of sadness to me, but Cherine instantly took the pain and augmenting it with her own past sorrow, fear, anger, sent the whole package to me in what felt like a vicious slash at the center of my soul. I was shattered. Nothing like this had ever happened to me and I had no defences, since mankind has never experienced anything like this before (as far as we know).

In her white hot anger she did not monitor me and kept hammering me for a few seconds too long. I managed to croak, “Sorry”, keeping my face turned away from the girls as I felt something crumble within me and with buckling knees went to lean over the side of the boat to keep the others from seeing the agony that was knifing through me.

Alki, always uncannily observant, quickly left the others and coming behind me, put his arm around my shoulders, while tactfully standing where he could not see my face. I was surprised to find I was comforted by the strength of his arm holding me and his empathy. Even that comfort could not stop the tremors and shaking of my body as it externalised the pain and shock deep within me, draining me of my strength.

Cherine instantly regretted what she had done and tried to emote a soothing, but for the first time I was able to block her out; perversely I clung to my pain as a shield. Finally Alki, worried, led me to his cabin and told me to lie down. I could feel his brooding eyes gravely watch me for a while and then he left. I got the kind of shakes that shuddered and jerked my body as if in a fit and I began to sob. I finally curled up and fell into something resembling a sleep full of horrors. As I tried to escape them, I found myself reaching to the Kaleidoscope World for haven, but before I got to it, just as I reached for it, as if rejecting me, it shattered.

I am told Alki told everyone I am seasick and have a bit of sunstroke and need to sleep a while, and sent the three parents to his house when we arrived. Then they waited for me to wake up. Cherine told me later, that she desperately tried to reach me, but it was as if our link was gone. Suddenly she found herself hardly able to reach or sense me. She knew I was in nightmare after nightmare, but was helpless.

Dominique told me Cherine was terrified, not crying, but her face looked like the face of someone totally devoid of hope. Both her and Alki tried to hold her, comfort her, but she was oblivious to them. The glances she and Alki exchanged showed that they both for some reason felt an inexplicable terror, but they did not discuss it nor did they question that something bad is happening. They just held to Cherine as their only hope for me, looking at her drawn face as to a barometer reflecting my condition. I guess this shows that Alki already suspected more than we had given him credit for. That he kept it secret, respecting our fears and wishes, makes me trust him, but also love him like a father.

As I regained consciousness Cherine rushed in, sensed the delicate balance of my mind and withdrew. In a broken whisper, she told them I am awake, but still very sick. Without questioning her they came into the cabin. They both looked to Cherine to tell them what to do, not me.

67

I just lay on the bed, unaware of everything outside myself, drained to the point where I felt I only had to let go, it would be so easy, and it would all be over. I did not feel the need to fight the temptation, I don’t think I even really knew who I was or why I felt this way, for my thoughts seemed to be wrapped in swirls of gray fog. Cherine sensed I was giving up and let out a cry of a tortured animal, of total despair, and collapsed.

As they picked her up Alki looked at Dominique. “What the hell is going on? This is far worse than I thought. A doctor would be useless. What do we do?”

“Put her next to him. Let her lie in his arms.”

They put her half lying on me and Dominique lifted my arm and put it around Cherine. She then lay on my other side and held us both. Alki sat down, watching us.

I felt the warmth, the slow heartbeat of Cherine, her breath, so faint, and somehow recognised her. I still wanted to let go, but I then remembered my thoughts of what would happen to her should I die. This brought me back and as my life flow seemed to strengthen, I reached out to Cherine with a weak but warm reassurance, trying to call her back to me. My arm tightened around her and I began to caress her face. I pulled her up and kissed her eyes, her cheeks her lips, whispering how I need her, love her. Finally I could feel a response. When she was able to look up at me, to reassure herself that I was indeed alive and back, her wan face was so drawn and bloodless I was shocked. I began to weep, hating myself for having done this to her. Cherine also began to silently cry as her hand reached for my face, her own guilt tormenting her. Dominique shifted, raising herself she leant over both of us and held us as she began to shush us, telling us it is all over now, we will be alright.

There was so much love for both of us flowing from her that even I felt it. Unthinking, I sent it on with my love to Cherine and sensed her repeat it to Dommi, with, I don’t know how she did it, some of it going out to include Alki. It grew so strong it was like a golden glow swirling throughout the cabin, flowing around, from the one to the other and I also sensed love from Alki mixed in with ours. It was too strong for any of us to break out of, only Cherine could release us now. She finally realised it and, in a bit of a panic, stopped it so suddenly that if any of us had been standing we would have fallen down.

I think hardest hit of all was Alki - and it had nothing to do with his age. Even after we were able to get to our feet, he remained sitting with his eyes glazed. Cherine said he is alright, so we waited, giving him time to recover. Dominique walked around with tears running. As she came past me, I reached out and pulled her to me.

“Thank you. This is the second time you have saved us.” I looked to Cherine and she joined us, that mysterious smile of hers once more on her face. The three of us held each other and I was nudged by Cherine until I finally said it. “Dommi, I love you. I do.” As she pulled her head back to look at me, a haunted look in her eyes, I continued, “Oh Dommi, I cannot explain it. All I know is that I do love you. Just as much as I ever did. But things are different now. I love my Cherine and I am part …” Cherine reached up to stop my mouth with her fingers. Dominique watched this then sighed.

“It’s alright Robert, I understand. I do not understand what happened to us. I don’t even understand what happened before that. How you suddenly got so sick, then Cherine, then suddenly you are both well, only Alki and I are knocked out. But whatever else I may not know, I do know that the two of you cannot live without each other.” She stopped and I felt Cherine tense up, a wordless warning coming from her, but it was too diffuse. “I need to ask you, I have to, the two of you are having sex together aren’t you? You are making love, you just have to be, I know that.” Suddenly we remembered Alki as he gasped in shock.

I was about to deny it when Cherine tightened her grip on me, shaking my arm. “Don’t lie to them Robert. They both love us.” I felt my heart sink. Because she felt love, she thought that would make it alright. She did not realise how strong is the instinct of adults to protect children and how ingrained the revulsion they feel for a child molester. Cherine to my surprise took Dominique’s hand and kissed it. She turned to Alki.

“Pappou Alki, he does not make love to me. We make love to each other. I can feel what other people feel. From when I was a baby I knew what it was like to have sex and I wanted to, if I could find someone I love.” She went to him. “He never did anything to hurt me. He is too gentle inside, he can’t. I am the one who keeps hurting him. I have nearly killed him two times, the one was today. Please understand, I am not eight years old, he is not a grown man. We are one person. We are one person in two bodies. I not only love him, I am part of him. Can you be happy for us?”

68

He put his fingers to her face, to her lips and shaking his head he got up and left the cabin. Well the cat was out of the bag now. Not knowing what to do I turned to Dominique who was holding my hand.

“And you? Can you be happy for us?” I took her other cold hand and faced her. “I know this is difficult for you. There are many things I would have different between us if I could, but I would not have my love for you be any different. I’m sorry to bring this up again, but it is important if you are to understand us. Apart from whether you still love me, to you sex has always been a thing of shame, not a moment of love. Even though you became mine and called me your andra, you still had your prejudices against sex, as if it is not the beautiful expression of love it is. I got the impression that for you sex has little to do with love, that you think of it as being solely lust, which you do not approve of. I could see how when we made love even my semen disgusted you. No, don’t look at Cherine, do you think there is any corner of your or my heart she does not know? This is between us. I need to hear you tell me how you see this whole mess. I cannot feel inside you like she does. If you still cannot accept our loving as beautiful, how can you accept Cherine and me?”

Damn but this was strange, I could actually feel that mysterious smile of hers. I turned to look and I was right. Cherine was gazing at both of us with glowing eyes and that magical smile that turns my heart to mush.

“Roberto, I do not know what to say. I did not know you thought you disgusted me. I’m sorry if I made you think so. But about you and Cherine, it is not the same. I do not need to be like Cherine, to see inside you both and know how impossible it would be for you not to be making love. Oh Roberto, are you sure you did not hurt her, she is so small, you could not get in her without damaging her.”

If Cherine had not been there, sensing me, I think I would have given a bitter laugh. “She is a virgin, if that is what is worrying you. To be honest, for how long I do not know. She is trying very hard to make me change my mind about it. I’m terrified of hurting her, so I think…I’m hoping she is still safe for a while.” I gave her a sad smile and she seemed to understand for she stepped back up to me and putting her arms around me she kissed me.

“Just when I think I am getting to understand a little bit, I come here and you kids confuse me again. I think I better leave.” I do not know how much of his bewildered look was a put on, but all three of us could not help laughing .

“We are ready to go now pappou.” Cherine put her hand in his and we went ashore. As we walked to his house, Cherine put out her other hand to me. I held her happily, confused like poor Alki, but happy, holding my Dommi to me. What is to happen, how this triangle is to be solved I did not know, all I was certain of, is the solution will not be anything that hurts my little love, the keeper of my soul.

There was no way I can be with Cherine all day every day without ever holding her sweet body in my arms. I am also coming to realise that after each traumatic or near-death occasion, both of us will be burning up with an extreme passion which cannot be totally denied through willpower. We just had to be together. Trying to analyse it for me, Cherine earnestly threw a hint and it made a lot of sense. At times of my fading away, she sends me all her love, augmenting it any way she can, but if she feels I may be too far gone, she also floods me with her memories and all erotic feelings we have shared. She is convinced passion is stronger for renewing the will to live. Soon as she senses I have become conscious of her, she reverts to her warmth and love as my healing process.

At first I though her viewpoint came from her being a child, I mean, about passion being needed, but the more I think of it, the more it makes sense. What better for earthing our souls to our bodies? If it was what she had done on the yacht, then Dominique and poor Alki must have caught the backlash of it. We were sitting on the balcony alone, so I told her my thought.

Cherine asked, “Alki is like a daddy to you. He cannot become a part of us that way. Why can’t you bring Dommi with us?”

“No! First of all, you emote and overwhelm me with a burning need for you and I would not be able to mind her. That would be cruel. Secondly, she has been marvellously understanding, sympathetic to our love, considering what it is costing her, never mind anything else. It is one thing for her to just ‘know’ we make love, it would be another thing for her to be asked to be there and see a man making love to a child. I promise you sweetie, she would be absolutely shocked.”

69

She just laughed at me as if I was being particularly silly. “She would not.” I got a cold shiver down my spine.

“Cherine! you are not thinking of manipulating her again! I will not have it. It is about time you learn that love does not count if the other person is made to love or want you. If she comes to me and I can bear to, it must be the two of us that want to, not through you. Do you understand!”

“Yes, I understand Robert. You are being a daddy again. Maybe because you do not understand. Why do you say ‘if you can bear to’. You want to make love to her, you know I can feel it, so why do you need to pretend? And if I could be there with you, you would both enjoy it more. So would I.”

“You are the most degenerate child I’ve ever met!”

“No, in this I am more like a woman and you are being like a child; I see things as they are. Your problem is you see everything as having to be romantic, so you forget about love.” I was stunned that she could be so perceptive and remained silent, trying to see past my own defences, to work out whether she is right.

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I hope you enjoy reading this story of fantasy, adventure and love.