Psychology: Ghosting - The Ultimate Silent Treatment and A Form of Emotional Cruelty

A few days ago, I came across an article about ghosting. Little did I know that I have actually experienced it myself in the past! I didn’t know there is such thing in psychology as ghosting and I was thrilled to have finally found some answers on why it made me feel awful.

Picture credit: Stefan Keller

What is ghosting?

Ghosting is when one person just fades away from another person’s life without any explanation or closure. The person just chooses to withdraw all communications without providing a reason and leave without notice. It can be done by anyone, such as a family member, a friend, or any other acquaintance that one associate with.

Why do people ghost?

Ghosting is a way to avoid any unpleasant confrontations. It is also a way to reject someone or cut ties with someone without a proper closure. The people who choose this method are usually the ones who are emotionally immature or don’t know how to deal with their feelings and find them overwhelming, often caused by anxiety or fear. It is easier for them to just ghost instead of taking the trouble to talk things out. As they pretend there is no underlying problem that is causing them to ghost, it gets swept under the carpet. They rather keep it that way than confronting the actual issue. On the other hand, there can also be other reasons some people ghost. For instance, they do it to revenge their cheating partner. Some do it for safety and as a self-protection. This is mostly done by women.

How does it feel to be ghosted?

The people who are ghosted usually feel rejected. They also feel disrespected and absolutely disregarded. They will feel like they have been punched right in the gut, betrayed and being played. Some may actually consume Tylenol to ease their emotional pain because "social rejection activates the same pain pathways in the brain as physical pain". They will be in a state of confusion as in what have they done to deserve such a cruel treatment and it might also take a toll on their self-esteem. They might develop a fear within them that they may be abandoned and feel anxiety whenever people don’t answer them. They could also be facing increased trust issues of being ghosted again when associating with close allies.

“Ghosting is the ultimate use of the silent treatment, a tactic that has often been viewed by mental health professionals as a form of emotional cruelty,” Dr. Jennice Vilhauer, Ph.D.

My personal experience

Now, let me share my experience of being ghosted. Around 2 to 3 years ago, I had a crush on someone. We were great as friends and got along very well. We even majored in the same courses and took up professional careers in the same field. We shared our plans regarding our lives and our career prospects. Our friendship grew and we were close enough to share our personal problems with each other. However, he was not very keen in having a relationship at the time because he was still healing from his wounds of his previous relationship. It has been a few years but he was still in the healing process and I understood it.

I was there with him when he got into the relationship and I was still there when it ended and he was scarred deeply. So I did not pursue him or ask for a relationship and we just decided to remain friends. Then, I kept myself busy with my job and our communication gradually decreased. At a point, he vanished. He didn’t get back to me or respond to any of my messages or calls and I assumed it was something that I did wrong. The reason is because I worked long hours and was not able to get back to him promptly most of the times. In fact, he told me that I was a workaholic which was true.

Eventually, he did get back to me and told me it wasn’t my fault but he was just afraid of getting close to someone again. So we were friends again and kept in touch. Then, he started ghosting again. But this time, with shorter time intervals. He talks to me one day, and then disappears for a few weeks. Then, he comes back like nothing ever happened and we have some catching up. One cycle of ghosting ends and the next cycle commences. It gave me anxiety and I was almost depressed to the point I got sleeping troubles because I couldn’t figure out what went wrong.

This kept on going for a few times. Finally, I decided that enough is enough. Sometimes, we can’t get a formal closure. On such circumstances, the best closure is to go no contact and that is what exactly I did. I accepted the fact that he needed a longer time to heal from his past and I moved on. Fast forward, I got into a relationship that was perfect with my special 'trusted person'. I told him everything about this issue and he decided to turn the tables around and said, "You felt bad because you were needy. You needed constant attention and your desperation is what made you feel bad". My ‘trusted person’ judged me. I just had to grow a thicker skin and pretend it didn't hurt me. Now that I have actually read some real facts on how ghosting affects an average person, I understand why I felt the way I did.

Have you ever been ghosted before? If you have then please do share your experience and how did you get through it. If you are being ghosted by someone and you are not able to confront them on it, maybe it is time to walk away from them. Sometimes the best closure is to accept that there is no closure and move on with life.

Sources:

“Ghosting” Explained
This Is Why Ghosting Hurts So Much
Ghosting: The Incredibly Heartless and Emotionally Immature Way to End a Relationship

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