Shame and fear of who we have been. Why?
Why do we think living with shame, burying it inside our bodies and carrying it with us forever, will stop it from growing. How is that healing?
We live in fear of what our pasts may show about us instead of owning, "Yes, I was (insert shameful secret here). I'm not now. I changed. That was a different me, and I hate that I was a person who did (whatever), but I changed."
I mean, why not be proud of changing?
Or if what we did wasn't hurting anyone, why not be proud of it period?
One slip up can define us for life. Especially in a world where it is all online.
We connect ourselves with others believing they will eject us if they knew (insert secret again), so we hide our ugly, shitty bits and trudge onward, pretending our step is light, hoping so hard we are actually bearing down like it is childbirth that the truth about us never comes to surface. Hoping the face we've fashioned to hide our histories is never shown to be a cobbled together mask. That the world won't discover we are something we should not be.
I may be rambling a bit here, but a memory resurfaced just now. A picture popped up on Facebook from a party I attended in high school. I panicked instantly. I was tagged in the image and my family was on Facebook. I was never allowed to go to parties let alone pool parties. And I definitely was never allowed to wear the bikini I was wearing.
Not me.
I asked my friend to untag me. She didn't understand. She argued that I looked great. It was all in the past. Bikinis are just swim clothes.
I bought that swim set myself. I was 17 years old. I was young and beautiful and all images had to be developed on film. There was no way my parents would catch sight of my in that suit. They had no idea where I was or what I was doing. And yet . . . I was petrified to put it on because I believed my body was horrid and meant to be hidden, because I was certain I would be disowned and made homeless of my parents found out. Skin was expressly forbidden to be shown.
The image was five years old. When it popped up, I was married and living on my own. I still freaked the f*** out. My friend untagged me.
What did this teach me? Why am I going on about this now?
The abuse may have stopped, but the abusive thinking never did. To this day, I rearrange my home when my parents come to show an image they will be comfortable with. I continue to curate the life they see me living, even on Facebook. Even on Steemit. It is amazing.
Ever so slowly I am breaking this action pattern. I know I am not alone. Can we support one another? Please let me know if you have something in your life like this.
All images found free-to-use without attribution on pixabay.com
@honeyscribe
Most parents see their kids as an extension of their own failed dreams.
When they see their kids having a life of their own, not fullfilling their dreams and desires, they get dissapointed.
Remember: Having a child is a purely a selfish act.
C'mon! Wanting a child is a selfish act, but not having ;-)
Are you are parent?
I agree with this as well. Once you have the child, there is no such thing as selfish (assuming you are a decent parent). Everything you do is about the child.
I am surprised to neither agree nor disagree with this. You've given me something to think about.
My mother used to be so strict with me. Being the oldest child, I've come to realize that I "broke them in" and made the path a little easier for my younger siblings. I have very vivid memories of my mother insisting I didn't wear makeup until I was 18...and forget about red nail polish. That was for hookers. But one day I forgot to wash my face before I came home from school (i'd bought a little eye-shadow and liner). When mom saw me she was just staring...and I thought, okay, I'm gonna get belted. Turns out she actually complimented my makeup because I didn't cake it on. It was very subtle. Now, I know this is very different than showing skin, especially when it's culturally ingrained - but at some point you all have to cut the umbilical cord (it goes both ways between parent and child).
One conversation I had with my father when my kids were young and I seemed to be doing everything wrong by the words coming out of his mouth. I'd had enough so I told him that I loved him but they're MY KIDS (insert my house, my clothes, my whatever...) I also told him his only responsibility was to love them because he already did his job raising me. Well, he didn't like those words at first but he chewed on them and accepted it. And believe me when I say I was scared to death of his rejection, but I had to be willing to let him go in order to forge my own path. And you know, he made the choice to stay in my life the way I was developing it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is: Be yourself. Your parents' reaction is on them and it would be their decision to remove themselves from your life. The risk is being ostracized - but the reward may be acceptance of the real you. Risk v. Reward. Only you can decide the next step.
ps - I love your beautiful soul.
Nicely put <3
You have an incredible ability to put me at ease. Thank you for this. It is difficult not to shoulder their burdens, but these issues are theirs, and you're right--I can choose to not let them be mine. I find that with every pain comes beauty.
In my case, I felt like I was drowning and the only way for me to survive was to be willing to cut them out of my life. I was at a point where I felt like I had to. And I was lucky and blessed that they were not willing to let me go...but that was when I was allowed to make the rules. But that willingness to let go...that, for me was bottom-line survival for my well-being.
I relate to that idea of curating your life... rearranging it and being, literally, afraid of your past. Sort of like that elephant who still thinks it's chained to the post.
Exactly. Conditioning.
I 'divorced' my family for similar reasons. I haven't spoken to them in over ten years and you know what? It's great!
Good Luck to you <3
I often wonder if this would be a better choice for me.
It's a hard decision to make. The only thing I can tell you is this:
Do what you need to do - for you <3
Just as an addendum, both my children keep away from my parents too - of their own volition, I have never asked, guilted or demanded they stay away.
I may write about this in more detail and I'll tag you in it if you'd like?
<3
I would love that. Please do!
hmmm... something's not quite right here... I am guessing the pic is not you, as you wouldn't be freaking about the bikini and not the hole in your skin.... or maybe the pic is a lot more recent?
the thing is, fundamentally, people DON'T change... sometimes they try, but hardly ever succeed.
If you choose to feel shame, it is probably because you lack the ability to be yourself and tell the truth.
I forgot to say the images are from pixabay. Definitely not me! I'll add that. Thank you for pointing it out!
I disagree with your assessment that people do not change. I work in a field where I see great changes nearly as often as stagnation. However, we do tend to fall back into patterns that do not serve us.
Your parents have been young too and they most likely did things their parents forbid. This is what parenting is about: setting boundaries, that their child will pass.
If you were opening on what you did, they would probably tell what they did when they were young...
I mean, I don't think that would surprise or deceived your parents if they knew about it, this is part of teen life.
I do not think they would be surprised to be deceived. That point would likely create upset and then we would all never speak of it again. However, there are many aspects of my natural self and choices I make which would result in familial eviction as my parents prefer the comfort of binaries (Good/Bad, Heaven/Hell, yes/no, male/female) to the possibilities of life.
Yes I was richman, i am now and i'm not ashamed )))
LOL
I am confronting fear and shame daily, also from abuse. What I am learning is how to be proud of each way I separate myself from the abuse. It is ongoing and different from what you describe. Still, this post is helpful.