The Psychology of Toxic Choices: Setting up Your Life so You can Complain About it
I would hazard a guess that we pretty much all have had someone in our lives who seemed to spend most of their time complaining and regaling us with tales of woe over the latest mishaps in their life.
They got fired from their job again because their boss was an asshole, their car broke down again, they had to break up with their boyfriend/girlfriend because "they just didn't understand..."
The list of laments can sometimes seem almost endless. And for those of us on the "listening end," often exasperating.
What Do We Choose to Focus on?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not given to having a Pollyanna-ish attitude towards life, believing everything is pink unicorns and roses. Far from it. I believe there are positives and negatives everywhere.
Northern Sunset
But some people really do seem to actively create a life of endless suffering and complaints. No matter what, something is always "wrong."
When someone perpetually makes "bad choices," I have found myself wondering if they just don't learn from their mistakes, or is there something else? Unrealistic expectations? What's at play here? Why don't they get a clue?
Which got me to thinking about the many varieties of this particular "affliction."
Creating Your Own Chaos!
There's my friend who has massive fights with her boyfriend several times every week; they break up at least once a month... and as far as I can tell, Sherry has had fights with her boyfriends since her teen years. She has just rounded 50! She's eternally complaining about how difficult men are... but she finds the kind of stable, well-employed men she wouldn't have fights with to be "boring."
Yellow branch
Back when I worked in the IT industry, I had a friend who'd get fired about every 3-6 months, invariably because "his boss/supervisor was an asshole!" I don't think Jeff ever held a job much more than a year; but he was always complaining about how "hard" working was.
Of course, many people create much simpler chaos in their life.
It can be as simple as never reading the instructions on an "assembly required" product and then complaining because it doesn't just come together by itself. Or not preparing ahead for some exam or job interview... and then complaining when it goes badly.
Or you could even have signed up on Steemit and thought you could make $1000 from posting a half-dozen recycled memes. And then complain endlessly that the site is a "scam" because it didn't turn out that way.
Well... who's the cause of that, exactly?
But Why Would Someone DO That?
In most cases, it's not the actual drama people are addicted to, it's the attention and sympathy (and potentially help) they get from others as a result of their pervasive "misfortune."
Apple blossoms
Of course, it's really a form of "negative attention," and these people are genuinely unhappy, even though they are creating their own unhappiness.
I find the pattern fairly easy to recognize now, simply by asking myself the question of whether this person is having a temporary setback... or their situation is just one of a long series of "setbacks" that actually looks more like a lifestyle, than a setback.
If it seems like a lifestyle, the best I can suggest is RUN from the situation, unless you particularly enjoy being embroiled in other people's chaos.
Does it ever change?
Typically not until the person in question has a major wake-up call, perhaps even as drastic as jail time or a near-death experience. Sad... but often true.
How about YOU? Have you had any chronic complainers in your life? Did it seem like they were creating their own misfortune? Were these isolated incidents? Or did it feel like a "lifestyle?" Are any of these people still in your life? Have you ever been directly involved in a toxic negative situation like this? Leave a comment-- share your experiences-- be part of the conversation!
created by @zord189
(As usual, all text and images by the author, unless otherwise credited. This is original content, created expressly for Steemit)
Created at 180527 17:17 PDT
My complainers are actually in my family, and they instilled this in me. I actually had to unlearn the habit.
Sometimes, when I am tired or weak the habit tends to come back.
Since not complaining was a choice for me, I get really triggered by complaining and I get very tuned into it.
It is kind of something I have to fight off. Not sure if that would make any sense to anyone else. :) Interesting topic.
I'd say the same about my mom, brothers and sister, only instead of complainers I'd say drama queens, (it's probably worse then that but...) they have created all sorts of negativism (some criminal) and then I am expected to be the one to come to everyone's rescue and make it all right. Sometimes when I see them I'll be like what are you up to now and I'll get a does everything have to be a negative with you. There so good at it I think I've actually become a person who scrutinizes everything for preparedness for when the shit hits the fan. Maybe it helps build a protection barrier around myself, I am already telling myself I am not going to let it effect me when it all comes down....maybe that's why they think I am a pillar of strength. Everyone breaks down just some of us learn when it's not the right time to fall to pieces. If a heart were hands I should have been born with boxing gloves on.
Well, emotional self-management is definitely a valuable tool to have. And some people to seem to have a meltdown at the drop of a hat... which can be annoying. On the other hand, if you never allow yourself to experience your emotions, you do run the risk of eventually "blowing up" at the wrong time... but that's just my personal experience.
Yeah, your personal experience has not eluded me.
Exactly my whole home environment has lead me to complaining, however I reject that idea because I can do something better than complain all day and I will get results out of it no matter how small.
I had to do some unlearning, too; growing up with a mother who could find the "speck of dirt" in almost any situation... and then the world had better "snap to, and make it perfect."
In a sense, that was its own kind of drama.
Some people genuinely have temporary setbacks and can use help. I have to be pretty mindful of knowing the deeper difference between (for example) a one time situation where someone is broke due to medical bills and situation where someone is perpetually broke because they don't take care of their health and don't have insurance. Self-created? Or one-time incident?
Good article. Your right in the fact all our choices we make we do so to meet our needs. Sometimes we can get our needs met thru unhealthy behaviors and habits.
I hear tell that almost everything on Television and the movie channels are negative and dystopian. I hear tell that kids watch a lot of television while they are growing up.
I wonder if kids attitudes are influenced by what the see on TV?
Dystopia does seem to be a dominant thread in TV and movies.
I look at some of the stuff our kids (26, 29, 31) describe as "great" and it's all dark and filled with "evil overlords" and post-apocalyptic imagery... I can think of a dozen movies and cable series that are centered around a tiny Uber-class and everyone else live in polluted slums...
Yes, I'm sure kids are influenced...
Meow! It seems an interesting post I constantly see my humans go through all kinds of dramas but I think they should relax more like me.
Well, cats are definitely the masters of relaxation, to be sure! I learn a lot about taking it easy from watching our cats.
Man, talk about chronic complainers, i have come accross many and is soo infuriating, they create their own world of negativity where nothing works out for them. I believe such people are paranoid and needs a psychologist
I think the important part here is that people tend to "find" pretty much what they are looking for... and that includes always looking for ways things will NOT work out for you... and then they don't, of course.
I think a sustained attitude of negativity for a long enough time creates an environment of negative results for us. Where more often than not the catalyst is the negative attitude of the person.
Actually the term 'toxic' is very apt in this kind of scenario where our subconscious behavior becomes trained to sabotage our own self. Naivete is one thing but the idea is to pick up the positives not for the sake of goodness but rather for the sake of a healthy functioning life style.
This a very interesting post - mainly because I see some of what you say, apply to myself!
(not the 'complainy' parts).
When I look at my life choices, I can say- pretty unequivocally-that I made choices not through gaining some advantage in my own life, but gaining chaos.
(Not consciously at the time of course, but looking back in retrospect.)
I am/was chronically scared of boredom in life, so whether that was the motivator, or the fear of boredom itself had deeper meanings, I'm not sure.
I know as I get older, my ' boredom threshold' is pushed further away, as I find interest in things that now hold my attention.
Things that wouldn't necessarily have held my focus when I was younger...
...and as a result, less chaotic a life.
(I hope! lol)
Oh yes I have been around those "chronic complainers". Its a real drag.
Here's the thing : Happiness (imo) is NOT determined by Circumstances and the World around you. It's determined about that thing between your ears. a.k.a your Mind.
That's why sometimes you will see people who are deathly sick or people who are very poor have this amazing Joy within them.
They decided a long time ago that being Happy was a CHOICE !!
To listen to the audio version of this article click on the play image.
Brought to you by @tts. If you find it useful please consider upvoting this reply.