Transform (Poetry Dice 3K25 entry)
Transform
They sleep
Sheep too afraid to earn their keep
Bleating and bleating
While the bleeding won’t cease
Still trying to make peace with the beast
Policed while they willingly give up their fleece
At least take a chance!
Glance up from your feet!
Stop paying masters to dance
Stand up and take heed
You see?
They want you to feel
Like you need a crutch
While they murder and kill
Everything they touch
But keep your mind on the rainbow
They know they won’t budge
They’ve got willing slaves
Who just need a nudge
But you see?
That’s how it is
But not how it has to be
You can calculate the risk
Wake up and see.
Smash the mask
of Melpomene
No need to question the future
From the abuser, break free
Kick aside the fruit
that they’ve placed at your feet
While you eye the horizon
Where they’ve hid all the meat
Transform yourself
You weren’t made to bleat
You’re a lion beneath
And it’s your turn to eat
This is my entry for @robyneggs and @rensoul17's poetry dice challenge. Sometimes, in order to change your circumstances in life, you have to be willing to take a step back and change your perspective a bit. I think we far too often funnel ourselves into a singular way of thinking that keeps us on the same trend. This piece is about transforming oneself to be a totally different type of beast altogether. Please let me know your thoughts.
=============================
Join the new Discord channel dedicated specifically to poetry
Block Chain Poets
Where poets support other poets.
Man the flow on this is insane. I hope to hear more from you on the future. Followed!
Thank you so much. I was going for that. Thanks for validating that for me. It means a lot.
remarkable talet!
I never managed to enter for this contest
I always find it too hard 😏
Great visuals! I really like the last stanza a the poem flows nicely. Once again, great job @moeknows.
Thank you. I appreciate it. I'm glad the flow works for you. I'm thinking about adding a reading so that it is more apparent. Thanks again for the nice comment.
Really feeling this :) Powerful message to convey; a call to arms!
Thank you. I wanted it to be a little bit motivating so I'm glad it resonated with you.
Very much so, perfectly motivating I would say :)
Another great one, mate. It's a difficult path going against the grain of expectation but it can be very rewarding if rewarding is self determination and freedom from materialism (by freedom I don't mean abandoning it, just not being slaved to it). Very reassuring feeling to it.
Thank you for your comment. I agree. We are often the biggest enslavers of ourselves. In my opinion, whatever you do should lead to your happiness. If what you are doing does not make you happy, you should stop doing it. Thanks again for taking the time to read and comment.
I think this piece needs some more time in the workshop.
The rhymes are inconsistent, some near-rhymes fail to hit the mark.
The whole edifice is a bit too jagged. Now, we can argue it fits the mood and tone of the piece, but it doesn't seem to fit what was actually done with it. I do feel that this contest in particular leads to this problem, and it seems to afflict you more than a couple other participants I've been checking out.
I also think rather than invoking the goddess of tragedy, the aforementioned "mask" and the entire concept of "Two-faced" would've sufficed.
Also, isn't the second line missing the mark, as the sheep are too afraid to do anything but earn their keep? So it seems in the rest of the piece.
The imagery worked though. Made me think of the Toxicity album by System of a Down, and V for Vendetta and the show that took a bunch from it and Fight Club: Mr. Robot.
The imagery is good, but the structure needs some more work.
The term more implies that it has already spent some time in the workshop. It has not. That was by design. I seldom post in the workshops mainly because I feel that it often muddies the waters too much for my taste and it often takes too long for those waters to settle.
This poem followed no particular structure in it's design though it did end up with much more of a structure than I intended. So perhaps that's why it came off as jagged to you.
I did not invoke the goddess, I was simply referring to the name of the mask, as in Thalia and Melpomene. I'm not sure how "two-faced" would fit into the concepts of the poem.
Well, that's up to you to interpret, but that wasn't the idea that I was putting forward.
Thanks for your comment. I appreciate the time you put into it.
And if I hadn't used it, I might've met the reply that it had, or that it didn't and you didn't want it to anyway (which you noted anyway).
My point here is that I feel you are not reading my comment charitably, this time, Moe.
I mean these comments as a gift. I write them publicly because you said that is what you prefer. But if you'd rather I focus only on what I like, or give the full critique in private, tell me, and I'd do so. A gift should be tailored to the recipient, not be there for the giver to feel better about themselves.
Sorry, for not upvoting before, I thought I had.
I believe in encouraging open comments on my poems and do not seek to censor them in any way. However, holding that belief does not limit me in my response. I am thankful for the conversation, and being so, will voice disagreement in order to further that conversation. It's all good. I hold no grudges.
Oh damn
This is a heavy contestant for excellence! I just love your style and rhythmic choices. What a stellarar and thorough use of the dice this week @moeknows! This is bent!
Thank you @robyneggs! I'm glad you like it.
Its reallh an honour to have found you and your post. Now i know some hidden secrets i should keep about myself. Hope to read more of your poet. Kisses
Thank you. I appreciate your thoughts.
As a follower of @followforupvotes this post has been randomly selected and upvoted! Enjoy your upvote and have a great day!
This is really top notch :D As I read it I could feel a beat behind it because of the rhythm and flow built into it... Maybe it could be a verse in a rap song one day!
Really great work and I love your conclusion at the end... it's great advice and adds a lot of value to the post.
Keep it up man! Really enjoyed this so thank you :)
If you fancy checking mine out the link is below!
--> Everything Transforms
With love
Hart Floe
<3