RE: Transform (Poetry Dice 3K25 entry)
I think this piece needs some more time in the workshop.
The rhymes are inconsistent, some near-rhymes fail to hit the mark.
The whole edifice is a bit too jagged. Now, we can argue it fits the mood and tone of the piece, but it doesn't seem to fit what was actually done with it. I do feel that this contest in particular leads to this problem, and it seems to afflict you more than a couple other participants I've been checking out.
I also think rather than invoking the goddess of tragedy, the aforementioned "mask" and the entire concept of "Two-faced" would've sufficed.
Also, isn't the second line missing the mark, as the sheep are too afraid to do anything but earn their keep? So it seems in the rest of the piece.
The imagery worked though. Made me think of the Toxicity album by System of a Down, and V for Vendetta and the show that took a bunch from it and Fight Club: Mr. Robot.
The imagery is good, but the structure needs some more work.
The term more implies that it has already spent some time in the workshop. It has not. That was by design. I seldom post in the workshops mainly because I feel that it often muddies the waters too much for my taste and it often takes too long for those waters to settle.
This poem followed no particular structure in it's design though it did end up with much more of a structure than I intended. So perhaps that's why it came off as jagged to you.
I did not invoke the goddess, I was simply referring to the name of the mask, as in Thalia and Melpomene. I'm not sure how "two-faced" would fit into the concepts of the poem.
Well, that's up to you to interpret, but that wasn't the idea that I was putting forward.
Thanks for your comment. I appreciate the time you put into it.
And if I hadn't used it, I might've met the reply that it had, or that it didn't and you didn't want it to anyway (which you noted anyway).
My point here is that I feel you are not reading my comment charitably, this time, Moe.
I mean these comments as a gift. I write them publicly because you said that is what you prefer. But if you'd rather I focus only on what I like, or give the full critique in private, tell me, and I'd do so. A gift should be tailored to the recipient, not be there for the giver to feel better about themselves.
Sorry, for not upvoting before, I thought I had.
I believe in encouraging open comments on my poems and do not seek to censor them in any way. However, holding that belief does not limit me in my response. I am thankful for the conversation, and being so, will voice disagreement in order to further that conversation. It's all good. I hold no grudges.