SILENT GRIEF
I have discovered, from past experiences that I do not know how to deal with grief. I do not mean my own grief, I mean dealing with anyone who is grieving. I am at my most uncomfortable consoling a friend over a loved one's passing. It is not that I do not feel sympathy for the person grieving, I just don't know how to express it.
Anytime, I visit people when they lose someone close to them, I am always short of words and when I do speak, my words sound forced in my ears. It feels as if I am faking the emotions, repeating some inspirational quote I read somewhere. I feel like I am too detached from the moment to truly comprehend the extent of the person's pain.
The same thing applies when I hear people talk to anyone grieving. There's a lot of quotes throuwn about and deep inside me, I wonder if the person making those statements truly believes them. The popular one is, everything will be fine. Sometimes everything won't be fine. The words feel sterile, overused.
One thing I have come to learn about words is that they are rare. Yes words are all over the dictionary but the semantics of words are rare to find. When a word has been overused like sorry has been, it begins to lose its value and from there it loses its inherent meaning. It becomes chaff, wind.
When someone in grief pores through the many words he or she hears while struggling in the darkness to make sense of life, meaning is rarely a thought. They don't really consider the tone of voice, the inflection or context of words. They mostly hear sounds that they interprete automatically to mean sympathy.
Even though, a grief-stricken person doesn't really pay attention to what is going around them, people still come to talk. Some talk about the rain and politics, seeking to drag the person's mind from sad thoughts while some would want to know the whole details of death as if they can use the information for anything besides gossip. Some grieve worse than the person who has lost someone and there are some who just sit there silent.
Those silent ones, those ones welcoming visitors, serving cold drinks, getting the children to go have their baths, to go eat, those ones who stop from time to time to ask natural questions like; what will you eat? Should I put off the generating set? The dog needs to go, where do I take her to? are the ones I would love to be. Their words subtly tells one that though you grieve, life will not wait for you. Life has to go on. At the same time, they are saying - I understand, I am with you.
I still pass condolence messages to people but when I can I just sit and watch the world spin and wonder if the person is among the stars. Grieving is a silent thing, I think. A grieving person may talk a lot but I am sure that inside he or she is as silent as a ghost ship on a becalmed sea.
One day, I will find the right words to express my sympathy as well as my grief. Until that day comes, I am going to learn how to speak without language as we know it. I am going to use my silence as a shield against pain. Good morning.
Everything will be alright, just maybe not in this life perhaps. Of course, in life we are attached so all loss weighs on us to some degree and letting go and moving on is not the easiest thing to do.
I prefer silence.
Moving on is the hard part. I think that's where strong support comes in.
This is no easy task. I agree that to lend support however possible can help those in grief. I have experienced deep grief and often struggled to remain near people. The silent visitors who came and shared empathy were of greatest value. Often no words can alleviate the pain, but companionship could ease the sorrows.
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Yeah they seem to know that words are not needed and sometimes mean nothing to the friend or loved one grieving. I still hope to someday day find the right words to say without feeling like a fraud.
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Hey there @warpedpoetic! Beautifully said; grief is such a personal thing, but I think the common denominator is this: there are no right words, and there are no words that change the heartbreak. BUT, the overall "goodness" that you feel from all those people offering condolences, is that they all care and it does mean something. I really appreciate your take on this and actually, just talking about it. For some reason, our society doesn't seem to talk about death and grief enough. I grew up in a big European family, and death was almost as common as births and marriages. My parents brought we kids to every funeral as well as the happier celebrations, so I learned at a very young age that death wasn't scary, and in fact it was very natural. I think today, it's tucked away like something almost dirty, so we're never really taught the language and emotions surrounding it all.
Anyway, that's my long winded thoughts this morning :) Thanks for a great post, and thank you to @simplymike for featuring your post in her Pay it Forward Curation Contest entry :)
You are correct; we try to distance ourselves as far away from death as possible. No one wants to think about the possibility.
Knowing that people care is something I guess even if one wants to be alone. It definitely helps knowing that people care enough to say they words. It just doesn't stink in most times.
There a lot of things we do not want to talk about as if saying them aloud would give them flesh and power over us. I guess silence has more power than words.
Thanks for stopping by. I appreciate all of you. This is by far the largest interaction I have had on steemit ever. It is an awesome thing to experience. I think I will write a post on it.
Sometimes, I guess that's true. Recently I've had two friends whose husbands passed away suddenly. The shock was terrible for them, but they both say how much they appreciate people just simply talking about their guys instead of ignoring it altogether because they think it's too difficult for the person grieving. Death really can't be the big white elephant in the room that everyone is desperately trying to ignore, but it's just too big and obvious...it's there. Period. You know? Maybe we worry too much about saying the right thing, when really all the grieving person needs is acknowledgement of the person gone.
On a much more positive note, isn't awesome when you hit upon a topic that creates such conversation here?! I'm glad it happened to you :)
It so awesome. One of the best interactions I have had on my posts ever.
You are correct. Acknowledging the passing of the person is all that is needed. Sharing some of the burden of being left behind in grief too is important. I feel a grieving person needs mostly to know that their late loved one was loved and is missed. People do this in diverse ways and most would rather speak.
There's no need to talk necessarily. Actions speak louder than words, therefore just being there for someone in one's grief is powerful enough. Words that aren't authentic are better kept in silence.
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You've said it all @celestal. The deeds are the most important. If the words don't feel right, a hug is better, a listening ear is great.
Very recognizable. I find it difficult to deal with any kind of (negative) emotions, but grieve is definitely the worst.
No matter what you say or do (or don't say or do) is meaningless. I speak from personal experience. I have been on the grieving side way too often. And even though condolences and words of support or understanding are nice gestures, I've always considered them to be nothing more than politeness, social conventions. I've shaked hundreds of hands, received just as many hugs, and with every single one I wondered if that so called 'symphaty' actually made a difference. It never did. To me, the people that actually made a difference were the ones sitting in the back row during the ceremony, sneaking out before the theatrical part starts. The ones that come to show their respect, but don't have the need, or feel obligated to try to let me know how very sorry they are, or how things will be okay or - even worse - that it will hurt less after a while. Because it doesn't. You just learn how to live with the pain.
Every time I was the grieving one, and had to cope with all those different ways people deal with the grieve of others, it became more difficult for me to be on the other side.
I don't have a clue what to do or say, because in my experience, there's nothing that can comfort someone at that moment. Like you say, I'd love to be able to be one of those people that acknowledge the grieve, but also make clear that the world hasn't stopped turning and that life goes on.
But I'm not even sure I know how to do that.
I refuse to follow social conventions, because they're empty gestures. I don't want to add anything to the pile of emotions someone has to deal with already. So I turned into one of those people who keep their distance and blink my eyes or nod to show that I understand and that I'm there.
I don't know how others feel about that, but it's the best I can do. I only know it was something I always appreciated...
It is what I would prefer. The constant chatter can be painful to listen to. I just avoid going to places of bereavement. I just cannot deal with all the emotions. As you said, it feels fake to me, politeness and people just going through routine behaviour. That nod, that blink, that silent support, is everything.
Thanks for stopping by and for your comment too. I appreciate this a lot.
Thank yóu for the great post. It's always comforting to find out other people are struggling with the same things
I appreciate your honesty and article. We all grieve differently and grief has no deadline. You can take as long as you want. Sometimes expressing words only minimize the experience. Folks do not truly know what you are going though or how you feel. Grief in itself, is gratitude for the deceased. It is love with no where to go. Grief support groups may be helpful. Journaling may help. Talking about it may also. Depends on the person. Some grieve while they are living.
I lost my sweetheart Dec 2016 and it was sudden with many unanswered questions. She had eye surgery 6 days before she died. We do not know if they took her off her blood thinner med. And if so did she go back on them, forgot to take them, or as she was suffering a deep depression, chose not to take them and gave up. She passed from a blood clot to the lung.
When you loose someone, you lose many people...as they all were that one person. That person wore many hats and now there are many missing parts to your life. Again thanks and blessings. My prayers are with you.
This is so true. You find yourself crying over some other persons while grieving for another.
People have methods to ease through the journey and anything that helps is good.
Grief is love with nowhere to go- this is a beautiful definition of grief.
I am terribly sorry about your sweetheart's passing. Love with no where to go. That line is going to be in my head all day.
I have the same problem too, expressing feelings. Usually, I will keep quiet.
Losing both my parents taught me many things and seen many things in human behaviours. I stop going to funerals at one point to avoid all the human contact which I do not wish to face.
I don't go to funerals. I only go when it's a person who lived to an old age. On those occasions it is a party and people do not grieve as much. I avoid death as much as I can basically especially if the person is close and or young.
Close and young are the worst kind. Too much for me.
Beautiful article thanks for sharing . I never knew grief until I lost my dad 3 years ago. I gained access to a club nobody wants access to. In going through this grieving inituation I discovered a sense of empathy for anyone else who goes through this and I bide my time and letting immediate family deal with the sudden shock and then in the weeks and months to come I simply message . "How are you doing ?" and try engage in any form of conversation from light hearted to forget or deep to understand.
I feel too many run to offer condolences but dont actual know what the people need .
Again great article thanks for sharing
Indeed, too many say nice words, they mean well, I know but sometimes they do not even understand what grieving is. They want to give first aid, mouth to mouth rescucitation, whetger the grieving party wants it or not.
Thank you for stopping by. I am grateful.
it is easy to said we all are with you but at the current time most of will become hypocritical.No one want to spend their precious time for anyone.People will visit the victimization said a lot of bored wording and finaly left by saying I HAVE AN IMPORTANT ENGANGMENT
Not everyone is comfortable around grief. Some people find the atmosphere suffocating and do not stay longer than necessary while there are those who seem to thrive in it.