A Tutor's Tale Part 4: Learning to "Read" People

Some Life Questions I Got Thrown At

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My student asked me few days ago on how to know if a person can be trusted or not to work with because he has starting to realize there are different types of working mates he can have. I guess it is his first time experiencing disappointment in relationships particularly friendship because these people he was working with is actually his closest friends in school. He felt they could have each other's back but he's thinking otherwise after his Science Fair. He went through so much stress because of different circumstances which popped up last minute like others not delivering their promises or not appearing at the presentation on time. Finally, he fell sick and his tonsils swelled up. His doctor asked if he had been through a lot of stress and his mom answered on his behalf YES!

So, he just wanted to ask me how to know who are the people he can trust. My only answer for him is by discovery and knowing people, even through unpleasant experiences. Honestly, I'm not in my best state to answer because recently I too felt it's very difficult to 'read' people, especially those whom I have let in the 'second time' into my lives after already some unpleasant circumstances. I could only tell him that through disappointments, we will learn to be wiser and also know how to handle expectations more. Through real-life experiences, we will also be tested for our own character when we respond to them. Looking at the brighter side, as much as we would discover who are the people not easy to be worked with, we will also know people who are truly good and for us, people who are truly repentant over the mistakes and humble to learn, to really do life with us, this would be a HUGE bonus!

Here I am, also responding to @liewsc's WHATIF challenge #4 on Examinations. This is her original announcement post should you are interested to find out.

WHATIF there is an examination on "the State of Heart"?

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I know we would be facing disappointments and hurts in life whenever there is a human, and it is something not ideal but it is a place for us to learn. What do we do with the people who have betrayed our trust before? Those who have tarnished our names and come back, wanting to partner in our lives again, should we let them in?

When my student asked me what to do if they were to work together with the same people again and they don't change their attitudes? He asked if there is any test to check how much they have changed before they work together again. Haha. That actually gave me this idea of the "State of Heart" examination. Maybe there can be a CONSCIENCE test carried out along with the honesty/lie detection test to know in percentages of how much repentance there is to know if there has been a change of heart. I don't think we need to wait until a person is 100% repentant but if he or she has the heart to not want to repeat the mistake, we should try to accept him/ her back? I am not too sure myself because I have accepted some who appear to backbite me again.

Having said this, it does NOT mean I am one who is free from mistakes. I would include myself in this examination too so I can know myself before I go and approach those whom I have wronged. Sometimes, examinations are not to show the examiner, but more to reveal our own state to ourselves.

I once heard this awesome quote that I can't remember it word for word, but it goes something like this:

God does allows testings and trials not to reveal how we are to Him, because He has known us. They are to reveal how we are to ourselves.

Repentance simply means turning away from the old way of thinking, which results in the mistakes made. Repentance is the change of heart, which till now cannot be detected from the outer look, but only with further interactions. So, what if there is an examination to reveal this for some safeguarding purposes? Maybe by the percentages, we can gauge ourselves of being how trustworthy and others can see us as we really are, not just our front or our sweet words? We can look through the percentages of the score before making some decisions? How many of us dare to show our true colours? But then again, there are some people who never think they are wrong and can be so oblivious so conscience may have no chance to strike too, Hahaha.

My Own Reflections

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Unfortunately, I do not think relationships or humans can be tested that way because we all have our own dignity and it takes everyone's utmost vulnerability to reveal our real state to everyone. In fact, it is also not safe as it reveals our trust level to even those who may try to scam us, hahaha. Also, it will breed a culture of being judgmental, making some feel more superior than those who make mistakes. But who does not make mistakes? So, this examination is not too logical, unless we take it to reveal it to ourselves. Let's just say, if we can't be comfortable with our true colours and showing them to ourselves, maybe then it is an indication not to oversell to others what we are not (yet).

However, the REAL examination is actually how much one value a relationship to want to do what he/she has done or is going to do.

Perhaps ask this question before doing anything: By doing this, is the relationship at stake?

Anyway, I believe there are already testings as such in our lives which is the test will come after we re-accept people into our lives again. The relationship will always be tested through real life experiences and we do not need to take it the hard way if the test proves that some people are just not meant to access our core. Yes, there can be disappointments and hurts again, because vulnerability and kindness are the only qualities which will stand through the test. This, I learn a lot from @iamjadeline and her husband. Their lives have re-invited many people who have perhaps backstabbed them or not meaning good for them. In all things, they held their integrity tight. Giving second chances would mean another round of vulnerability, yes. I am still learning that kindness is worth it.

Sorry if I made this post a bit too pessimistic, but I am trying to regain my trust in humanity and in people. Through testings, we also would really know who are the true friends who would stick through and also for me and my family to stand with. As much as there are disappointments, there are so much hope in those who actually "passed" the examination with us!!! After every test, we got to know ourselves and also those around us better. Perhaps that is why God sets testings, not to fail us, but to reveal to us. Just like what @liewsc said in her post:

Examination is a comprehensive assessment to validate one's knowledge on certain topic. Everyone is bound with different exams (be it formal or informal) since born until death.

After I try to think through, I think we need so much courage to show our true colours. Just like some people when they show their true colours, it can be bad, this song reminds me that it can also be beautiful.

_{True Colours by Anna Kendrick and Justin Timberlake}

I am learning to be grateful for testings and they aren't totally bad, after all! Hopefully my student too will know this one day too :) It is just part of life and life is still BEAUTIFUL!

Like what a famous preacher once said:

When you eat a fish, you eat the flesh and leave behind the bones!

So, I do not need to discard the whole experience altogether, but to filter it and take the good life lessons. My conclusion is still processing the hurt and extending grace, even to those who have wronged us. I have to ask help from the Gracious One in order for this to happen.

Today, I really want to apologize for my raw thoughts because this post may not sound too refined as I am still processing my thoughts. This is just my first round of a new realization and something I set back into my core values. Thank you for reading, still!

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