Lost and Found - a soul searching gone wrong!

What if's and what will be's are the main reason why you back out on a certain path and go down to a path completely unknown. Or at least that is what others think.

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"You ought to be great by now." "Why aren't you there yet? "Your batchmates are way much ahead of you now. What are you doing with your life?"

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I was expected to excel, to earn a thick amount of cash, and not yet to get married at a young age. I am the typical Filipina raised by a typical Filipino family. I grew up wanting to be recognized by my wit and talents. I grew up searching where to belong. But then I grew up far from what my family expected me to become. I became better with words than numbers, better with journalism than structural analysis, and better as a photographer than an engineer. I went down to the path that was not led for me for fifteen years of education. I am here, amidst of emotional battle. I am here, lost.

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It has been a year since I last wrote a blog because for that one year I actually did try to comeback to the path where my family are cheering at the finish line. But in the middle of that constant trying, I failed constantly. I was half way in my review when my interest in photography grew deeper and that was the time when I and my partner are receiving clients for prenup, wedding and birthday photo shoots. I took my passion and profession side by side, trying to balance and continue juggling the two. But then a month before the examination day, I noticed something different in my body and my period had stopped to visit. I was excited and bought six pregnancy test kit. I tried them all, three of which gave me positive result and the remainder gave me otherwise. Then I confirmed everything through a blood test; I am indeed bearing a tiny angel inside me. I jumped for joy and thank God for the blessing. The news cheered me up and I must admit that I almost forgot about my licensure exam. But days after the breaking news of my pregnancy, all the worries doomed me when I had my first ultrasound (TVS). "There is no sign of life inside you, I'm sorry.", said my OB-Gyne. I immediately went out and seek for second advice from a different doctor. "Monitor your abdomen for a week and if there is pain, come back and we'll have you checked prior to your surgery.", said the second doctor I visited. As those words slowly entering my system, I felt a numb in my face and I couldn't open my mouth. I also felt my feet were glued on the floor. I was devastated.

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I prayed hard and prepared myself for my exam when one morning I felt dizzy and there my morning sickness had begun. After almost two weeks, I had myself checked again and my ultrasound showed a sac, where a baby should be formed. It was a good news. I felt relieved. I felt like I already passed my exam. And a few weeks after, I finally heard my baby's heartbeat. I was overjoyed and my heart is singing praises. That was also the same week for my exam. I know I was ready for it. I and my angel were ready. But an unfortunate situation happened. Just two days before the examination date, I experienced terrible morning sickness that lasted from the moment I opened my eyes til it shut down. I almost did not feel anything except from a heavy head. And to my fear, it lasted until the last day of my exam. I had to submit my test papers with half of it solved and the rest were simply chosen depending on my luck. I was about to pass out when I submitted my papers. Before exiting the building I went to the comfort room and cried. I know I will not make it to the passers rolls. Days passed and I confirmed my failure but instead of mourning, there was a different kind of strength I felt in my heart and I thought to myself, "Everything happens for a reason."

So I continued living life with fresher outlook in mind, an angel in my tummy and a renewed faith in my heart. Not long after that when I broke the news to my family. And to my surprise, I never heard anything hurtful blames. There was a little disbelief in their tone but overall they welcomed the news with a happy and grateful heart. Indeed, a typical Filipino family. The tiny organization you can always lean on.

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This has been @nikkabomb saying, "We all need a setback for a greater comeback."

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Author's Note:

After a year of hiatus, I have finally made my comeback on steemit. I have been seeing a lot of new usernames here and I am thrilled to see more. I am still grateful to the team I was once part, to the friends I made and to everyone who are still here. Here is my introductory post which was published two years ago. And I must admit, a few things have changed. First, the age hahaha as I am now 24 years young. Second, additional contribution would be photography and some small talks about pregnancy. And lastly, in the next few months I will become a Mrs. Well, I will also be publishing my preparation for this tight-budget wedding real soon and will be sharing to you some hacks, too. Stay tuned steemians! Lovelots!

_{This was me last summer, April 2019 during my first few attempts on astrophotography. And oh, image quality ruined by facebook. I'll be sharing more (but in better resolution) in my next blogs.}

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Nikka Ganzan, the author

_{I was destined to be a successful civil engineer but my heart belongs to literature. And if I have learnt something from the past years of struggles, it is maybe this - "Sometimes a leap of faith is what you need in order to find happiness. Because if you are not to become a happy person, then what's the purpose of life then?".}

_{I tried working in an industry with the use of my maximum skills in my chosen field and I was earning big (bigger than what I expected), yet I was not happy. In between those times, I found deeper and stronger interest in my first and second love - writing and photography.}

_{And so here I am, in my little corner in the blockchain. I hope you had a good read and check out more here ---> @nikkabomb. Lovelots.}