Hello Folks!

After the stressful week that I had, I can finally write at my leisure. I am going to share my story on my ongoing journey on my faith.

I just wanted you guys to know that in my country, one of the worst things that a person can do aside from murder is not having any god to believe in. A person is often shunned, even labeled as crazy or delusional and, basically, its not a very pleasant experience.

Being me, of course, I got curious on why I believe that there is a god. In fact, I had been going through this journey since the very moment that I started to comprehend and understand basic catholic teachings. I am not going to make it a secret that over the years, I have a lot of teachers giving up on me and most would even claim that, I do not have a direction in life. A few would even say that, I just wanted to frustrate and irritate them. While some are convinced that I have not yet found my "true" faith.

Anyway, prejudices aside, I do not want to believe because, everyone else does. I do not also want to believe out of fear. I do not want to believe without understanding why. And, I certainly do not want to believe if the believers explaining me would often get very defensive, angry and out rightly judgmental when they maneuvered me into their "discussion."

To begin with, a god as defined by our friends in en.wikipedia

In monotheistic thought, God is conceived of as the supreme being, creator deity, and principal object of faith.[3] The conceptions of God, as described by theologians, commonly include the attributes of omniscience (all-knowing), omnipotence (all-powerful), omnipresence (all-present), and as having an eternal and necessary existence. Depending on one's kind of theism, these attributes are used either in way of analogy, or in a literal sense as distinct properties. God is most often held to be incorporeal (immaterial).[3][4][5] Incorporeality and corporeality of God are related to conceptions of transcendence (being outside nature) and immanence (being in nature) of God, with positions of synthesis such as the "immanent transcendence". Psychoanalyst Carl Jung equated religious ideas of God with transcendental aspects of consciousness in his interpretation.[6]

A lot of good that definition did me. But, I was just trying to figure out what this god thing is all about. I wanted to know why a lot of people keep changing their religion because they were either frustrated, disappointed or perhaps, its just time to move on. In an attempt to do so, I would like to discuss how some, a few or perhaps, most of us views our gods regardless of race, creeds or culture.

The god or gods of all my wishes

When I was young, my mother would often encourage me to pray to god in order for my wishes to be granted. Inside my catholic faith, it was often promoted to make novenas (a set of prayers offered and dedicated to the saints or to Jesus Christ). For awhile, I did jumped into this wagon.

But in the end, I realized that perhaps, doing this expressly for getting your wishes, wants or whatever intention is not quite right. I mean, my god is certainly not this

because if he is, then, I would definitely be embarking on a journey to collect as many old lamps as possible.

Or believe in someone who does this:

What they taught me really was that my god is prone to coersion and bribery- the more prayers you pray, the better chances of getting your wishes. I am not saying that its wrong to pray to your gods. What is not right is praying and expecting to get what you have asked for.

For awhile it made me believe also that perhaps, my god must have a major in trades and economics to put me on this situation. I AM GOING TO GRANT YOUR WISH- IN EXCHANGE YOU HAVE TO PRAY AND WORSHIP ME! Maybe he's running his own version of stock market and trades?

The god of fear and punishment.

I have to admit that this concept is indeed my most hated one since I grew up with people telling me not to ask so many questions because, god will punish me- make me sick, impair, invalidate me, make my life miserable and, condemn my soul to eternal damnation where I would forever be suffering and crying until the end of time! Well, a part of me even then kept asking this: if god is all powerful, why does he needed to threaten anyone to worship and serve him? Wouldn't it be easier to create a being that is hardwired like a machine that doesn't do anything but worship and obey him until its end? Why go into the whole concept of creating free will if in the end, god will end up threatening everyone in order for them to do what he wanted them to do? It's beginning so sound more and more like something the members of drug cartels and syndicates would do.

The god of my ancestors

Another thing that still annoys me is a person's justification that they believe in their gods because their predecessors did so. What I wanted to know is why did they believe in it and not how long they were in it. It got me into pretty tight places folks!

In the end.......

It took me quite awhile to figure that one out. I have to confess that there were those moments in my youth wherein I did wanted to try out other religions or just go on raw, naked no god concept.

I believe in god because I think that man is hardwired to know that there is someone or something that is greater than them. Thus, even in the ancient times or, even before history started to be written, religion had been around.

I believe in god because after so much soul searching and research, I have finally stumbled on Thomas Aquinas' writings which had finally enlightened me:

• That god cannot be completely and absolutely be measured, fathomed or describe because he is infinite and omnicient.

• That god does exist for everything seems to have a definite origin and destiny. All of us, creatures started in life when we were born and all would end up dying in one point or another.

• That some of his essence can be discerned through us when he decided to create beings out of his own image.

In a way folks, this knowledge comforted me very much mainly because I discovered that my god is not a genie, a stock trader, a magician or even a gangster. My god is not also a torturer or an executioner who would basically punish me for all my sins of omission and commission.

In the end, though I have just started reading Thomas Aquinas' Summa Theologica, I just realized that I believe not out of fear or need but out of love and loyalty. I still remain inside my religion not because I have grown into it or I believe that mine is the righteous path.

Yes. Not all my prayers to my god are answered nor do I have the confidence to boast that I am very religious and righteous. I simply believe because when I do, my heart is at peace.I feel whole.I feel justified.I feel happy. I feel my god in my heart. A concept that everyone labels as their gut feeling, sixth sense or premonition. I just want to call it this: In the silence and deepest recesses of my heart.