Instilling Confidence Amid Failure in your Child
One day at the end of January, my 7-year-old son came home from school with a letter saying his teacher had recommended him for the Excel program.
This program is designed for the most intelligent, creative students. As part of the program, he would leave his regular classroom for a few hours each week to receive more challenging work and do more complex activities.
Since I was part of the Excel program when I was in elementary school (though, back then it was called Gifted), I was excited that he had the opportunity to be in the program too. My sister, who is a teacher in our county, expected the recommendation, as she knew he makes very good grades and has the creativity to be accepted as well.
In order to be accepted into the Excel program, you have to take a series of tests. They were on different areas of learning, including vocabulary, creative thinking, and comprehension.
The letter came home in my son’s backpack on a Friday and it said that testing would begin the following Monday, assuming we signed the permission slip for him to be tested.
That weekend, my husband and I discussed it amongst ourselves, but I already knew we were going to sign the form. We also talked to our son about how proud we were for him to be given this opportunity. He was playing it cool, but I could tell he was proud of himself inside.
Every day after school the next week, my son came home to tell us about the short test he had taken that day for Excel. They weren’t long or difficult – he said it was about 20 minutes each morning shortly after he got to school. They were all done on a computer.
The Friday after he finished the last test, a new letter came home with him. One that explained he had only passed 3 of the 5 tests he was given. Since he had to pass at least 4 of them, he would not be accepted into the Excel program at this time.
My poor boy was really sad that he hadn’t gotten in. He had remained confident that he did well until that letter came home. Then, his attitude changed. That evening, he was saying things like, “I wish I had gotten into Excel” and “I guess I wasn’t smart enough for it.”
No way was I going to let him feel bad for not being accepted. Just the recommendation is proof that he’s doing very well in school. So, I knew I had to make sure his confidence came out of this situation unharmed.
- I explained that not passing those tests didn’t mean he wasn’t smart. And that he would have another chance in the future to take the tests, and maybe that time he would pass.
- I again reaffirmed the pride his father and I had in him to be recommended for the Excel program at all.
- I also discussed how smart he was, reminding him of the 100+ scores he brings home on spelling tests and math sheets.
- I also mentioned that we were proud of his other behaviors outside of school, such as the work he has done with Cub Scouts and how creative he can be with just a pen and paper.
My proud boy after winning his Cub Scouts Pinewood Derby!
Talking to our child and letting him know that a few tests do not determine his worth was very essential to ensure his confidence didn’t suffer from the failure of the Excel tests.
Using past examples of pride and good behavior also reaffirmed the idea that he shouldn’t think low of himself after one setback.
Finally, discussing how everyone is different and excels in different areas helped with our argument that he was still a very intelligent, creative boy, even if those tests didn’t necessarily show it.
With all of that discussion, my son felt much better. He hasn’t said much about the Excel program since that day, but I can tell not getting in hasn’t negatively impacted him. He’s still confident and doing well in school and with this creativity!
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That is great that he had the chance and that you handled it all so well. Some people take tests better than others and has no one lick to do with smarts! His well rounded life will serve him very well, too!
Yeah we do not place too much emphasis on tests here. I think regular, everyday progress and grades are much more important and telling!
Looks great and nice photographs there.
Cool
It's good you are teaching him now to handle failure. We all fail. It doesn't mean we're stupid. Failure plays a big role in achieving success!
Exactly! I want him to know failure isn’t a bad thing.
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You have a very precious gift in your son. I was rooting for him to get into the program there. I got a little sad when he didn't. You and your husband handled the situation very well. You even cheered me up after the disappointment.
Many parents downplay the importance of assuring their children. They believe that whatever happens to them now won't affect their future, that they'll get over it. That is killing a child very early in life.
I wish such people could read this post and change perspective.
Thanks for the kind words, @solomonsel! :) I agree that reassurance is vital for children. They just know that you are always proud of them no matter what!!
Great post! You just got a 10.00% upvote from @edensgarden!
Thanks for tasting the eden!
It's great that you kept up the communication about it and didn't put 110% of the focus on the testing/program being the most important thing ever. Good post!
Great Job!!!
People don't always realize how important this is for their self-value, self-esteem and also their confidence!
I truly agree that tests aren't all there is to gauge one's ability/intelligence. Your son is definitely a smart boy with just the fact that he was considered for the testing, and the fact that he did feel down for not getting accepted is proof that he cares and will definitely achieve a lot more in the future. That was a splendid way of encouraging him and insuring this setback won't stunt his growth. :3
I wish I'd had someone like you as a parent when I was growing up to help me through those rough patches. You and your husband seemed to do a great job in making sure he didn't permanently lose his self-confidence. Thanks for sharing that personal story.