🎶 My Life - A Singer Without A Voice 🎶

in #music7 years ago

Tomorrow morning I am finally going to see a specialist, about my dramatic hearing loss over the past year and hopefully find out what is going on with my voice.

For those of you who don't know I already suffered from a hearing loss, due to countless ruptured eardrums when I was a young child - I wrote about it a while ago here.

What a lot of you may not know is that in spite of this hearing loss, I pursued a career as a vocalist even studying music at tafe for a year - this was going to be my life I was sure of it.

Well then life actually happened I met @ausbitbank and then before you know it we had two amazing little angels, shortly after my daughter was born I got into a rather heated argument with a family member and I ended up yelling at them so loudly I broke my voice.

I am not sure what I did exactly but it felt as though something snapped in my throat, I completely lost my voice and almost instantly my voice was reduced to a hoarse whisper - every word felt like razors I was in agony.


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I was furious (with good cause) and I had lashed out, my family are yellers if we have an issue we yell it out, sort it out and move on - this time however I was not so lucky.

As a singer I once had a four octave range with pretty good control, but the thing I was most capable of was projection - I rarely needed a mic as I could just make myself heard as I pleased, this even made me consider my options with pursuing a career in opera.

So my voice was used to belting out a tune, in fact the way I taught myself to control my pitch with my hearing loss was by singing so loudly I could feel the notes in my throat - what vibrated when and where.

I was reliant on my ability to feel those notes to hit them, so when I tried to sing softly I would struggle to know if I was hitting the correct note.

Not that I could even try to sing at this stage the pain was too unbearable, but I figured I had strained my voice it just needed to rest and I had a six month old baby on my hands - so knowing I had done the damage myself, I figured it served my right and I should just let it heal on it's own.

I'm unsure how losing your voice like this would affect anyone else but for me it was like losing a limb, I had sung almost everyday of my life, singing made helped me control my emotions and moods, singing was my one major talent the one thing I was actually good at it built up my confidence in so many ways - without it I was broken I felt as though a part of me was missing.

But the next few years were an insane time in our little family's life, we moved to Brisbane away from anyone we knew, our baby girl contracted whooping cough on her first birthday and before my daughter was two we welcomed our son to join us.

By this time Katana had completely stopped communicating and we had been going through countless doctors to find out why, Katana was diagnosed with Autism at around three years of age - this is when our lives became all about therapy, doctors and research.

We enrolled Katana at AEIOU (an autism kindy) for full time early intervention therapy, it was less than a year later that our son Kai was also diagnosed with autism - we stepped it up again, converting our rental homes into therapy centers filled with all the equipment they could need.

But still years later I still had no voice, my theories about resting my voice were proving useless - so five years after I first lost my voice I really started to attempt to retrain my voice.

As I was driving the kids to and from school I would practice, at first I could only sing a phrase or two out of any song - but very slowly I started to be able to sing in a very very limited range.

The very moment I felt any pain I would stop, there was no way I was going to jeopardise my voice again - it took a but over a year but I eventually had back a lower two octave range, I couldn't hit any high notes and as I used to be able to pass as either an alto or a soprano my voice still felt inadequate.

I practiced everyday for as long as I dared, then every now and then I would have one day where I would be able to hit a larger range of notes but the next I'd be back to square one - as if nothing had happened.


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One thing I did learn was to sing softer and not rely on feeling alone to ensure hitting the correct note, I was now forced to sing softly to reduce the impact singing had on my voice - I learnt to hear the subtle differences and began for the first time to be able to hear when I was off pitch.

This was almost worse than having no voice at all, after a while I had got into the habit of just not singing something I was so used to doing became a distant memory - but when I started to get my voice back, I was teased with promise and only given crumbs of success.

That is until a year ago finally after almost seven long years I had my voice back and most of my range (I was back to three octaves most days), I was happy and thought all was right with the world again.

I joined steemit in July last year (winter in Australia) and I became addicted immediately I spent all my free time on here and I spent countless nights glued to the computer and that's when I thought I had an amazing idea - I'd sing a song parody themed about steemit.

I had never released my music on the internet before and I had only just gotten my voice back so I was really nervous about putting it out there, but in true steemit style I decided to just give it a go anyway.

Here is the video of that song, I just rewatched it and it made me cringe to hear it - this is at around two in the morning, I had only heard the song a few times before deciding to do this and you can see the struggle on my face from the very beginning.

But if you can manage to listen to the end you can see some of what I am capable of, but you can also hear breaks in my voice.

By this stage of the song I realised my voice was about to give out but I wanted to try and at least finish the song, just as the song is about to finish I actually miss a line from the song and I'm swallowing in pain - in hindsight I should have just stopped then and there.

If you managed to listen to this, I don't share it to brag honestly it is a bit embarrassing - but it clearly shows the damage to my voice and the obvious struggle to control it.

The next morning when I woke up I had completely lost my voice again, I couldn't even speak all communications were reduced to a whisper - the combinations of late nights and straining my voice had resulted in a terrible chest infection.

Little did I know the true extent of the damage, I had a persistant cough for over six straight months - I couldn't speak at all for over a month, when my speaking voice came back it would fade again and I had absolutely no ability to sing again.

I had undone everything that had taken me years to reclaim and all because I pushed my voice at the wrong time, I knew better than this and I was and still am infuriated with myself for causing more issues again.

I have never had the same cold for six months before, I was so sick and nothing was making me any better even in the warmer months I still had my winter cold - this is also when my significant hearing loss really stepped into action.

I felt as though my head was now permanently submerged in water, everything sounded as if it was muffled and distorted and insanely quiet.

It was six months before I could sing again and as a true steemian, I had been dying to enter the open mic contest - I learned about it after my voice was gone and I was devastated that I couldn't participate.

My first ever entry into the open mic contest was an acappella version of In The Arms Of The Angel by Sarah McLachlan, if you listened to the first recording nows the time to compare the quality of my voice.

I have a lot more of my higher range available but if you listen carefully you can still hear slight cracks and breaks in my voice, but I have more of my control back and being able to hit some high notes makes me feel as though I can finally breath again.

My full range still alludes me, but bit by bit I work to regain all that I have lost - but I have also gained a greater understanding of pitch and key, so as my voice does return I have greater control abilities.

Though again after posting this my voice disappeared for another week or two, but eventually it came good on Australia Day so I decided to give my rendition of Waltzing Matilda.

In my opinion this is probably the best example I have of my voice working, I wasn't showing off too much range but the power was back and more control again - I started to feel human again.

To this day my voice comes and goes, though in general it is doing a lot better than it used to - most days I can sing it's just whether or not I will have any range, or if my voice will break.

This makes participating in the singing competition very difficult, plus with my hearing at its worst levels ever I still feel broken - I can't hear my kids speaking a lot of the time and it makes life difficult.

Honestly one of the hardest things has been to realise how much and well my kids respond to music and to know this is my wheelhouse, but to be unable to even sing a nursery rhyme with them is depressing to say the least.

But after all of this turmoil and having struggled alone with this for going on eight years now, I finally have an appointment to find out what is going on with both my hearing and my throat.

I am so nervous that I will either have permanent damage to my voice and that there won't be anything they are able to do to fix it, I just have no idea what happened every doctor I have seen just looks at it and say everything looks fine only checking the surface - refusing to refer me to an ENT (ear nose throat Dr).


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I want some solutions to help me regain my voice and prevent me from having this happen again, I would also love a solution for my hearing that doesn't involve surgery or hearing aids - I recently got a new hearing aid, but it is bulky and uses pressure on the nerve to work and gets quiet painful after a while.

I have so many questions that I hope to get answered in the morning, this could be setting me on the path to a final recovery - I am just so nervous that they won't be able to do anything for either my hearing loss or my voice.

Tomorrow is a day I have been waiting for over eight years, I have hope and fear heading into this - I just don't know what to expect and to me so much is reliant on this appointment going well.

Only time will tell, but this year has been one of big changes for the better - I just hope that trend continues with this appointment.

What is something that if you lost it, you would feel incomplete?

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your singing is great! good luck:)
We just started a blog about me and my husband's music career, we share our music, cover versions and more.
You're welcome to check it out :) @leoandbell

Thanks so much, here's hoping anyways - I will try and check it out when I get a chance, thanks for the comment :)

Hi. I'm not sure how open you are to alternative, new agey stuff, but some of what you have said resonates with me. I also had 4 octaves, but lack of practice, age and being a smoker has taken a lot of my top range. I learned to be a yeller, off my Dad, and I think this is how I ended up with a big singing voice, also not needing a microphone in many situations. One day I was so angry at something, I yelled so hard (not just loud but hard) that I actually peed myself, significantly. I knew I had to do something about the way I expressed myself. I was out of control. I grew up in the death throes of the "children are to be seen and not heard" victorian attitudes. I was often told I was an 'upstart' for speaking intelligently to my Mother, not so much my Father. Although many of my parents' friends enjoyed talking to me because I was intelligent. I was also treated as 'lesser' in many ways because I am a girl. So needless today, I saw yelling working for my Father, to be able to express many of his needs and wants, so I adopted it. I had to do years of work on myself to learn to control, not just the yelling, but my voice which carries easily, even when I'm not yelling. I stopped singing a few years ago and started public speaking instead. It was as a political activist and found I was even more satisfied by it. But I digress.
Having a naturally strong set of vocal cords, intelligence and creativity means you become very reliant on vocal expression, as you pointed out. In your lifestyle, being Mother to 2 children with autism, (Kudos multiplied by 100 to you) I imagine your needs come second a hell of a lot. And your voice, as your main avenue for self expression is reflecting this, in a holistic way. I'm having trouble explaining this properly, but I'm knee deep in it now, so I will keep going.
If you have heard of Louise Hay, have a bit of a read of what she says about it and maybe try some her recommended affirmations. When I am in a toxic surrounding and not able to express myself vocally, in various ways (not yelling anymore... not much anyway) I find I get a sore throat and ear problems. I think it's my psyche telling me to stop listening and talking to toxic people. So I use Louise Hay's techniques until I can get out of the situation. Not that your situation is toxic, but it is challenging for different reasons. I'm sure there is a physical cause for your symptoms, but the reason I asked if you are open to new agey stuff, is that tackling these mysterious maladies from both physical and psychological / emotional angles is often effective.
P.S. I love the vibrato in your voice.

Wow awesome comment :)

No worries I completely understand where you are coming from, emotional issues can manifest themselves into physical ailments - I have heard about this before and I do believe there is a premise to the underlying theory.

I haven't spent too much time looking into it for me personally though and that is an interesting avenue I will have to go down, singing was and is close to who I really am - a gateway to my soul I guess, so it makes sense that if there was an issue that is where things could manifest.

The name Louise Hay sounds familiar I have a feeling I have heard of here before possibly through my mother @aussiesteem? she is into new agey things like this and one of my biggest influencers in this area :)

I think I had never thought of it as an emotional issue because I have had issues with my hearing since infancy, but even with the underlying issue my voice should be somewhat unrelated and therefore plausibly impacted by this.

I don't yell anywhere as much as I used to, probably because it hurts lol - but also I have grown a lot in the past 8 years and now with my kidlets I have to find other methods to solve our problems (and we do have our own variety of crazy we have to keep up with - so no offence it is challenging).

Now that I am finally seeing a specialist I will be able to find out what physical issues are there and then I can approach things from both angles :)

By the way thank you, I wish I had more recordings of my singing from before I damaged my voice when I could really belt out a tune - it's nice to know someone still likes it even though I know it can be better.

Cheers :D

No words to describe what I am feeling at this moment.

Life is not always fair and I truly believe that God rewards people like who, people who keep on marching forwards no matter what obstacles they may be faced with.

God bless.

Thanks so much, I believe when faced with no other options going on is the only one left to us :)

Hope your voice gets back to 100%

"Honestly one of the hardest things has been to realise how much and well my kids respond to music and to know this is my wheelhouse, but to be unable to even sing a nursery rhyme with them is depressing to say the least."

Right in the feels :(

Thanks me to, I've suffered long enough - it's weird how somethings become a second nature.

It really is the hardest part especially with my little boy some of his first ever words were because of songs and music, it has completely changed the way I would have chosen to raise my kids - I grew up around music, it feels weird to not have that for my kids at least not as much as I would like.

Thanks so much for the comment :)

Looking forward to having you back in full voice again, its been too long. Good luck tomorrow:)

Thanks mum, it has been way too long - here's hoping there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

WoW I had no idea @krystle. Thank you for sharing your story. I can't imagine how tough the past eight years must have been. But I sincerely hope all the best with your appointment tomorrow.

It has been very tough but it's much better now than it was a few years back, I can at least sing a bit some of the time.

Thanks so much I'm a bit amped up with nervous anticipation - Cheers :)

Well you'll always have a life as a writer

That is very true and in some ways my writing stemmed from my singing, I started writing songs before I ever attempted writing :)

I enjoy your singing.. Keep is up!!

Oh my... what a story. Music is the closest thing to me next to science finding the truth.
So what I found out is that tuning to 432 Hz instead of 440 made a very big difference and made me like music again. Cannot explain it eventhough I read a lot of theories.
I also had a life long suffering from inner ear inflamations due to a tiny left over hole in one of my eardrums. My daughter and I have problems eating dairy, we get a stuffed nose and I had the feeling it affected my ear canal as well.
I'm sorry about your daugher, almost everyone will deny this but research suggest vaccinations, especially the MMR vaccines. The Truth about Vaccines was aired on YouTube not so long ago. As well as The Sacred Plant series where there were kids doing good on CBD.
Good luck!

@krystle Dear Krystle, I was crying while reading. You have so much happened in your life, but what I liked - you are a fighter! I also share @diginaut comment and highly suggest you to try one of the Louise Hay books and techniques she describes there ( I guess the best one is "Heal Your Body"). The same time I want to bring your attention to how strong you are - going through all and still smiling and singing! Appreciate yourself - you did more than any person will do in such curcumstances. I loved your spirit and your voice. Just to encourage you to continue - a small affirmation for you - please look at it and each time remember that you are so strong and absolutely lovely being with the fantastic voice which I am sure will get better and better! Love and blessings to you and your family.
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