The Manic Depressive Type...More

in2itiveart (69)in #mentalhealth • 7 years ago (edited)

I talked to Dude's casemanager today and she told me there is nothing they can do for Dude unless he wants help or becomes "gravely disabled" - she said that means that he walks into traffic without realizing it.

The super sad thing is that he IS gravely disabled right now and they cannot see it. For the last 6 months or so during manic phases he tries to get me kicked out of our apartment so he can move his buddy Joe the homeless drunk, in. What he and they don't realize is that if they kick me out, he will be back on the street in no-time flat.

He and I together is what keeps him here. He cannot take care of himself by himself - that's where I come in. I provide med reminders. I am a stable influence. I am his friend. He is gravely disabled right now under their very noses - and it's doubtful that they will be able to see it and they will just let him proceed the way he is...

He only gets $832 a month from SSD - He smokes a lot of cigarettes and weed and he pays the rent and I buy most of the food. He does not know how to buy food and cook it. He works day labor when he is manic but when he is depressed he doesn't get out of bed at all - and he doesn't eat. I give him med reminders. His meds are not working well but if he wasn't taking them things would be a whole lot worse. I know him. He cannot live by himself. He really should go live in a home for vets somewhere - but he is living independently WITH me.

Tonight, he "served" me with an eviction notice. I don't think it is legally binding, but it really has made me very upset. He told me I have 6 days to get out. Tomorrow I will take it downstairs to add to the "incident" report that I filed with the Property Management Company and I will show it to his casemanager and try to explain how he is Gravely Disabled right now - he is playing in traffic - and I will see if this 6 day eviction notice is binding - I am also waiting to talk to Section 8 about the voucher and whether he can just flick me off the voucher without a lot of work.

It is just so sad. His other self is so completely different and wonderful and loves me and loves living here with me and he is going to get himself homeless in COLD Colorado. In CA where he came from, he could be homeless without freezing to death.

I am pretty fucking upset with everything that is going on. I have been trying to help him for 7 years and he is trying to get me out so he can move this guy in like I am some piece of trash. I know it's not really him and that's what makes it even more sad ... because on February 1 when the next Mercury RX Shadow begins, I might be gone and he will wake up and wonder - "How did I get here?"

Not knowing what the fuck to do, I decided to get rid of stuff that I am not using, just in case I do end up needing to get out of here, but because of the car accident, and the injuries that linger on and on - I can't walk very well and am in a lot of pain all the time. I need help carrying stuff to the dumpster.

I had scheduled a friend to come over on Saturday to help me, and she cancelled. Another friend said she would help and then when I tried to nail her down to a time she gave me her whole song and dance of her schedule of unavailability - plus next week is Christmas so it's a terrible time to deal with this stuff.

The whole apartment is totally upside down because Dude threw all my stuff that he had stored in his room into the living room. It is total chaos.

Oh and of course I can't work so I have no income.

The combination of events is staggering to me - I am disabled, in constant pain, and I am supposed to organize my shit ALONE and get ready to move my stuff to my boyfriend's property and then maybe go stay at his house or continue to live with Manic Dude who hates me for no reason right now - and no help from the VA ...

Going to stay at Boyfriend's house is not inviting. Like me, he is a total slob. Like me, he has way more stuff than can fit into his mobile home. His son is living with him right now and the 2 dogs and 2 gigantic fish tanks. He does not eat at home - the kitchen is more like a storage unit. The oven doesn't work. The left side of the sink doesn't work. The sink in the bathroom doesn't work. It's a bachelor cave in there.

I am a wreck over all this. I did stay with my boyfriend after the accident for 2.5 months and it was great. I just bit the bullet and moved in with him and dealt with it.

I am trying to completely stay out of his thing with his son too - his son is 22 and has no job and no aspirations either. He got kicked out of mom's house and went to dad's house. I am not that great at not giving my opinion but on this matter I won't win. I have crossed the line a couple of times and I know that it won't do any good. So if I go live with him, that will just be in my face and I will have to completely ignore it.

But, I have no where else to go. I either stay here with Dude and get harassed constantly till he gets depressed or I go live with boyfriend.

Getting his meds changed is a process as well - there's no guarantee that his shrink will figure out the perfect med right away - he has already exhausted Lithium and been on many others - since he has been on them since he was 21 years old. I just don't know if I am up for this up and down process with him. There has to be a way, that - if I do stay while he works with the shrink to get the meds adjusted - that I don't have to go through this every time he goes manic.

Boyfriend and I are waiting on the settlement from the car accident. I had State Farm, unfortunately, and they notoriously don't pay their claimants. Our lawyer gave them until 12/22 to pay OR we will have to sue them for 3 times what they owe us for BAD FAITH - I bet it's cheaper for them to pay that 3 times amount in a year than to pay us what they owe us right now.

I would rather get the money now than 3 times the amount in a year and a half. I need to live.

I am having a hard time staying out of self-pity. I am looking at the mess my life is in - at age 57 - how I am living below the poverty line with no likelihood of coming out of it. I just cannot get ahead. It's pathetic.

I am not doing art anymore - haven't done any for a very long time. I have had a painting sitting on the easel for months - haven't touched it. I have no desire to touch it. What's the point? I just don't know anymore. I just don't feel it. The whole world is falling apart - the Dark Occult are winning their takeover of the world and I just do not see the point in making art. I mean, I guess if someone wanted a Soul Mirror Talisman , I would make it for them - I think I could get inspired to help someone else with my work - but no one wants them. I am just bored making them for myself - right now - I am over it. Nature is dying. People care more about pictures of Nature than Nature itself. People are caught up in the total bullshit of our ridiculous "civilization" - the Zombie Apocalypse is upon is - why decorate it with art? I just can't bring myself to pretend everything is fine enough to make art.

A few weeks ago, someone I met online from a Craigslist Ad a few month's ago told me she was going to market my work. https://www.wisdomvillage.net/ She told me she had a space for me to teach Intuitive Painting and she was going to help me do my lessons on youtube for money. She told me I was her inspiration and that she had this space that we all could use to teach and film and we would also have an online presence - they were going to do this Solstice Party - she and her "team" - and we were to show up and check out the space yadda yadda- and I really didn't want to get my hopes up again - just to have them dashed to the ground - as they have been so many times before - and then today she texted me that the space fell through and the party is cancelled.

Wow. Everything is just in the shitter. All this artwork in this post was done when I first met Dude - it is a narrative of when he first asked me for help back in 2013 when I was in Berkeley, CA visiting relatives for 8 months.