REPOST 1/10: Why I don't wear a wedding ring - philosophy and advice for my children

in #love4 years ago (edited)

As I mentioned yesterday, I am nearing my Steemit birthday, and am blessed with many new friends (followers!) here. When I joined I wrote a few blogs in my first month when I probably only had about 50 followers, and I really would like to share them once again. I have selected 10 of my favourite blogs and will re-submit them, possibly slightly edited.

Central to "my life story", who I am, is my family and that all began when I met my husband in 1989. I know we are exceedingly privileged to share a love story like ours.

The term "other half" is an over-used cliche, except when it is not. This is not a love story, though there is a lot of love in the story.

I have been thinking about my own experience with romantic love as my teenage daughter enters the world of serious relationships. Having parents with a bond like ours is not easy for her, as how many people meet their soulmate at 18 years old and spend the rest of their lives together? When it comes to matters of the heart there are no rules though. I believe each of our souls have their own lessons to learn in our own human lifetimes, in our own skin suits.

I married in 1994, mainly for the reason white South Africans feared all hell would break loose after the first black government ( the ANC) came into power. We had vague plans to emigrate to Mauritius (my husband's birthplace) if the situation in the country got too bad. Well, we got Nelson Mandela and the rest is history.

Now I'm older though, I would not encourage my children to marry. (I also have two younger boys.) Why should there have to be a piece of paper to legitimise love. This also makes practical sense when considering the high divorce rate. If you are in a serious relationship and cohabit, draw up a legal contract to ensure fair financial terms, during, and for after the relationship, especially if children are involved. Stay together and revel in your love while you have it (it might well be forever). I don't suggest leave at the first sign of problems, every enduring love is regularly tested, and love, like a business, must be worked at.

Truthfully, I am never jealous. You only have to look around to realise most people don't stay together forever. I've been with my partner for over 28 years (gasp). I don't take it for granted he is "my property". He is free at any stage to make other life choices. He does not wear a wedding ring, neither do I. If I had to lose him I would be devastated, but I wish to be with someone who wants to be with me. We fear loss and grief, but they are undeniable facts of life. Jealousy is like feeling pain in advance of an event that might never happen.

What I do insist on: My daughter and my sons must be financially independent at all stages of their lives. Loss can happen in a heartbeat and only we can be responsible for our own paths, as well as be able to care for the children we create. My boys are young, but I constantly emphasise they should only date independent women. (Or men, if that were to be their preference). Any of my children may experience one love (unlikely), many loves, or even no love. The most important thing is that they are satisfied and secure where they find themselves at any given moment, and if this is no longer the case, they must have the freedom, and the guts to move on.

Weddings are ridiculously expensive and I do have an issue with costly weddings. Personally I regard them as an over the top act of consumerism, though if that is what you want and you have the money, it is your choice, and most definitely not up to me to judge. My problem with weddings is families often take on debt for an event which is held more to impress the rest of the family and friends, than anything else. My husband and I decided to get married in court, and held a small get together in our backyard. I have never felt cheated!

~*~ Our reason for existence is love, but love can only be felt. Never grasped.~*~

Thank you for reading! @onetree

Bonus picture of an already hideous car, even more hideously decorated!


@araksha and myself have been together now for thirteen and a half years to date, we have never been married. I don't believe in the man made law that a piece of paper signifies our love for each other, we humans have the most intellectual brain on earth yet we still defy what we signed in black and white, yet animals like a Parrot or Penguin that has a brain the size of a peanut, comments its self for life to its partner with no written contract or public announcement. I truly love @araksha and as long as she knows it , to me that's more important than a piece of paper our proving or love in a big flashy wedding which people will always have some comment on how it could have been better, typical indian comment would be" The potatoes were not soft cooking in the Breyani:) " Great post, looking forward to reading the other posts! You taking us "Back to the Future!"

True love really can't be defined, and I am happy you have it in your life. I followed your lady. I can just imagine how many comments are thrown your way. People are scared of anything that challenges the status quo, so they will yry to squash you in the little box where they are comfortable. I have reached a stage where if someone asks me a personal question I don't think is appropriate I simply ignore it and change the subject. If you think they were uncomfortable before....!!!

Awesome stuff. I like that approach!

I agree whole heartily @one-tree.

Only after we got married etc.. did we find out about how the huge craze started over the "engagement" rings.. its completely insane.

If a person or loved one does feel like spoiling one another with some "ice" it should just be because they are in a financial position to do so and not simply to "label you".

Lots of love to you,

I hope you are not having as crazy week as I am!

Oh no! I hope things calm down soon. I did have a very stressful issue with my Bitcoin wallet today and after 3 long hours learnt something new! On another note, the value of diamonds is also a social construct used to enrich certain individuals. Add that to the issue of blood diamonds and you have a very murky grey area.

jip. it's not right.

I hope your Bitcoin issue is sorted today.

Even though I dream about big wedding, I agree with you that todays wedding show up a consumerisam. So, I decided to have a big wedding and ask my guest to donate money to charity :) Btw. Great post, I keep following you!

What a wonderful idea. Thank you!

Nice post - I agree whole heartedly

You say you shouldn't get married and don't need a piece of paper but then say "If you are in a serious relationship and cohabit, draw up a legal contract to ensure fair financial terms, during, and for after the relationship, especially if children are involved."

From a legal standpoint, this is almost exactly what a marriage is. The non-legal part of marriage is whatever your faith or philosophy says it is.

Good point. Maybe without specific marriage contracts, legal stuff can be more fine tuned. Maybe it is the rather rigid philosophical, religious and social constraints and mostly expectations of traditional marriage papers that disturb me?

I'm glad to see you're doing so well and have a lot of followers, @onetree!

Of course you're right about all society's bullshit about marriage. I thought of marriage as a day-long party to celebrate our finding each other and being so happy. We did a few things our parents would enjoy and the rest was based on aesthetics and our own tastes. Legal and religious contracts have absolutely no meaning to me so I don't give them any thought.

The only real reason to write up a contract is to decide how to transfer assets to your children, which you can just do with a living will.

Wow, reaaaaally long time! I am happy you enjoyed your day and I remember the photos. I just feel love should be governed by laws. Anyone flirting with me due to my ringless status doesn't usually get past 3 and a half seconds.

Yes, and now we have profile pictures! My husband and I only wear the rings for fancy occasions where jewelry fits in well. I guess some people really think no ring = single and ring = taken. Lol!

It is really nice to hear from you again! We all jyst need to live our lives and not worrying if those around us are fitting in, or if we fit in! Oh, and I gained too much weight and my ring no longer fit. 😂

Agreed! My mom's ring turned her finger green! Haha.

Wonderful Post. How long did you spend there? It looks like a place that can influence one's outlook towards life positively. @onetree