Of Apples And Animals (short story)

Don't be fooled by the picture! This short story includes cats using VERY EXPLICIT LANGUAGE!

The other day I took a nap in a hammock. Pretty high, up between two trees in the forest. It was the second day of sunshine tis year. Strange voices, not far away, woke me from my slumber. I remember I had a dream about the garden of eden and the tree of knowledge and the apple, but I soon forgot because there was something very unusual about these voices and I carefully turned to see what was going on and who was talking in such a strange way.

But there was nobody around. Right below me there were two cats lying on the grass and looking at each other. I kept looking for the source of the voices without making any sound and just moving enough to get a picture of what was going on around and below me. But there was nobody and I started to think the voices must have been in my dream.

I watched the cats sitting there, one was a beautiful, elegant female, shiny black, with a white spot, perfectly round, in the middle of her chest. The other was a strong male, red and white and quite impressive in stature. And as I was watching them, suddenly the voices appeared again and it seemed like it was the cats doing the talking. I looked around again suspecting that somebody was trying to fool me, but again I found nobody and nothing suspicious. So I concentrated on the cats and tried to understand what they were saying.

This was not as easy as listening to human voices, because the voices were not really coming from them like usually sound comes to our ears. My feeling was rather that they were communicating in a very subtle, kind of telepathic way and what I heard was a translation, done by my own mind, of the language they really communicated in. I had to make an effort to clearly hear the translation of my mind, and what they really said was probably very different and not decipherable for me at all. It seemed like my mind was trying to translate what they said as good as possible into language I could understand. Also the words I heard seemed strangely human and it would have made no sense for cats using this kind of vocabulary.

So I concluded that they were emanating some kind of information-wave that for some reason my mind, very much against its custom, translated in this specific way. And while I do acknowledge that it was my own mind who chose the words you are about to hear, to try and give me the most accurate translation possible, I do not, however, apologize about the language used. I just wrote what I heard. I will warn you, though, it is explicit language.

If you don't want to read explicit language, please stop reading now.
This being said, what I heard was the following, I kid you not:

Mary (female cat):
So, well, you know how it is... as they say, you can't live with them and you cant live without them. But now things are on their way after considerable training effort on my part. Shelly told me how to do it. Before she told me I had no idea you could train them at all! This was big news to me, seriously. I mean, how can you train the only animal that can't understand a fucking word you say? Anyway. I told you they were actually serving me that cheap dry shit every day, right? Every day! I hate it so much I can't even begin to tell you. So I did what Shelly told me and started shitting and pissing all over the place. In the sink, on the couch, in bed, you name it - but nothing. To me the method sounded ridiculous anyway, so when nothing happened – m.a.n. still serving me that disgusting food - I was about to give up already. But Shelly told me to keep it going and also start destroying their stuff. That was easy enough, so I thought I'd give it a chance. After all leaving them and finding better m.a.n. is always a fucking hassle, too. And I hate how they look down on you, when you first approach them and they look at you like you are a poor creature... who is the poor fucking creature, seriously!? Anyway, so I started going wild on their stuff. Ripped the couch apart, threw everything down on the floor, pissed on the damn toilet paper, almost broke my fucking neck doing it! That shit started turning like a motherfucker! I can't even remember all I did, but still nothing changes, same fucking shit in my bowl. Went back to Shelly and she's like: Give it some time, they are not called m.a.n. for no reason! They are very limited in their ability to communicate, yada yada yada, but if you don't give up and keep escalating the situation they might finally understand.

So here I go again, started puking after eating, right in front of them while they were having lunch. Started to throw myself on the ground and scream, look at them like a fucking lunatic, whatever came to my mind, I did it. And guess what: Here they come two weeks ago with a shiny bag of good food. And I was like: Yeah bitches, was about fucking time, ay? At first I was ignoring it completely, of course, but then I remembered what Shelly told me is most important apparently: To give them positive feedback when they finally do something right. So I went and started going round its legs, pushing my head against its hand and what not, while it was putting the food in the bowl, which was still smelling of the old dry shit, by the way, but I kindly overlooked that.
Then, after a week of good food, they actually dare to serve me that dry shit again! Can you fucking believe it?!'

Dennis (male cat):
'So what did you do?'

Mary:
'What I did? I tell you what I fucking did, picture this: They are all sitting around the dinner table eating, looking at me, right? And I slowly go down on the bowl and take a big shit right on top of that disgusting stuff. You should have seen them! The faces they made!'

Dennis (laughing):
'No you did not!'

Mary:
'Yes sir, I did. Looking straight at them while doing it and I was not done yet! I jumped up on their table like a hurricane, jumped on their fucking food, turned everything upside down. The whole table a mess. Before the nitwits even realized what was going on I was already out of the room feeling a bit better, but still really fucking mad. I was fairly certain, though, that I got my point across.'

Dennis:
'You shit in your own fucking food? Are you fucking kidding me?'

Mary (loud):
'I did NOT shit in MY food! This SHIT is not MY fucking food. It is fucking SHIT and since they decided to put this fucking SHIT in the bowl AGAIN, I was actually just putting more shit on top of that toilet bowl full of SHIT!'

Dennis:
'You still shit in your bowl, dude!'

Mary:
'Not my bowl, not my problem. And they got all exited afterward anyway and gave me a new bowl, of course, and new food...'

Dennis:
'The right one?'

Mary (proud):
'You betcha!'

The male cat started laughing and after a while he said in a very different, musing voice:

'So you can actually train them. Who would have thought... if this keeps developing we might have to give them another name...'

Mary:
'Why? They are still MUTE, they are still ANNOYING, they are still fucking NITWITS... so M.A.N. it is, what's the difference if they can be trained or not? What a hassle it is to deal with those stupid numb-nuts, though. I really don't know how I deserve this. Seriously, the shit I have to put up with...'

Dennis:
'Guess you are right, name is still good. It is an old name, given to them by the great Shmehul, when they lost their ability to understand and stopped fulfilling the contract, did you know? He was the last who actually communicated with one of them. Since then our old contract is on ice. They don't treat us like kings anymore and we no longer absorb their negativity. Some are still trying today, take their negativity and hope they will understand, but that is not really worth the effort... but the method you talked about is indeed revolutionary. First punishment, then positive feedback for good behavior... Wowowo! Didn't you just mention numb-nuts, look who's over there!'

Mary:
'Is that Marcus, that little bitch? Yes it is...'

I looked around from my vantage point above them in the hammock but could not see anybody else around, but then there appeared another voice, from beneath the bushes, it seemed. The voice was decidedly fabulous, if you know what I mean, giving each word that nasal tone, that extra drama, that extra glamor, if you will. I have to remind you that my mind was translating it this way. Anyway, the voice spake thus:

'What's up, pussies? Like my new style? Haha! Just kidding... you wouldn't know style if it jumped in your fat butts! So long bitcheeees!'

Dennis (loud):
'You better fucking run now, little bitch! That's right! Before I come and whoop yo little ass!'

Marcus(faint):
'Easy now, Eeeasy! I'm already gone. Chill the fuck out, will you? Jeeesus!'

Mary:
'Did you see that? That is fucking disgusting!'

Dennis:
'See what?'

Mary:
'Bitch got fake fucking balls now! Did you not notice? That must be the new style he was talking about!'

Dennis:
'Implants? Are you fucking kidding me? Seriously!? That is so wrong! I really pity the empty-bags somehow, it's not really their fault after all, but this is too much now. He's so getting his ass kicked next time I see him. Fake fucking balls! What's next!?'

Mary:
'Un-fucking-believable... that's what you get when you become the bitch of your m.a.n. Weird fucking times we are living in. That's exactly the problem with m.a.n.: as if it were not enough that they can't fucking communicate, they are also fucking crazy! You never know what crazy shit they come up with next! One day they give you a massage, next day they cut your fucking balls off or sterilize you and pretend nothing happened afterward! What the fuck!? Then suddenly they come and stuff fake fucking balls up your nut sack! Marcus the great puff even likes it, of course! What a pathetic little bitch! What is the world coming to? See, that's why training them is so important... otherwise who knows what they will do in the future. Next thing you know we are all their bitches just like dogs, walking on a fucking leash.'

Dennis(licking his paw):
'Not on my watch! Anyway, fuck them! Who cares what they do to Marcus that little fruitcake? They'll never get my balls! But what I been trying to tell you all day is this...'

Mary:
'Why didn't you tell me then?'

Dennis (stops licking his paw):
'Because you were fucking nattering non stop since we met! That's why! And you know what? The training story was the first thing that was actually interesting to me. So. My turn now. Yesterday. I had a long nap in the morning. Sun is shining on my fur. I wake up and I'm like oh yeah, that's gonna be a good day! Finally some sun! Right!? I look around and there is this big fucking spider! Walking towards me like I don't even fucking exist! So I'm like oh yeah, bitch? This is how you planned to make it through the day? And BAM! I smash him right against the ground. And he's like: Please, please! Don't kill me, I'm Boris!'

Mary (laughing):
'What the fuck!? What does that have to do with anything?'

Dennis:
'Exactly! So I tell him to shut the fuck up and he's like all crying and shit and keeps repeating I'm Boris! I'm Boris! So I'm like: You are not Boris, you are my breakfast, bitch! And even though I hate your slimy taste I'm gonna eat you anyway just to fart your soul into the wind later on and giggle about it. And then BAM!...'

Mary (giggling):
'Well done! Fucking spiders! Arrrr! I hate them so much. Their fucking nets are always all over my coat and when I clean myself I have them on my tongue. Its fucking disgusting. Once I was walking over to the...'

Dennis (annoyed):
'I haven’t finished my fucking story yet, alright? That was just the first thing in a chain of events. You mind if I continue? Good. Ok, where was I? Right, so he's all like I'm Boris I'm Boris! And I'm all like that's the way I like it: Food practically walking right into my mouth! I wipe his twitching little legs off my chin and guess what! Two rat voices, again right beside me behind a bush! How they did not hear me and Boris I can't comprehend! I go take a look and guess who is sitting there in the sun completely oblivious of my presence, the wind was helping a bit, too, I guess, anyway, they had no fucking clue. So guess who, you'll never believe it!'

Mary:
'Well, if you ask like this I'm gonna say Gunther... but that is ridiculous, so I don't know. I once heard Gunther...'

Dennis (triumphant):
'It was Gunther!'

Mary:
'No fucking way! Nobody has ever seen him! I thought he was just a myth!'

Dennis:
'So did I! I can't wait to see Kevin's face when he hears about this! The little punk is apparently telling everybody that I'm getting old. Just because he beat up a couple of city-pussies he now thinks he's the boss! But every time I get anywhere close to him he disappears like a bad smell. When I get him he won't know what hit him! I will mash him up good, believe me! Anyway. Back to the story, listen! So Gunther sits there fat like a fucking hedgehog and is talking to a young girl, all smiling and trying to impress her, telling her a story. I was fairly certain that even if he would finally realize I'm right fucking behind them, he would have no chance to get away. So I decided to listen for a moment and this is the shit that came out of his dirty little rat mouth:

Gunther:
'Do you know the story about the two stupid mice I saw the other day?'

Girl rat:
'Tell me! Tell me!'

Gunther:
'Alright. The other day I was listening to these mice talking about some other mice by the river being eaten by a cat, ok? And just as the mouse is done telling about how stupid the other mice were and how they were not carefull enough and how the cat tortured them in a very specific way, a cat jumps them and says: you just told your own story, bitch! And the cat does to them exactly what he just described happened to the other mice, get it? I was laughing so hard inside!'

Girl rat (laughing):
'What a curious thing! And you? Were you not scared at all, Gunther?'

Gunther:
'Me scared? Of a stupid cat? Cats have no balls, you know? Also, the blind dipshit was not even aware of me. You know me! I'm more clever than all cats together! I'm not afraid of fucking cats! No cat has even seen me for a long time 'cause I figured them out, you know? If you are very nice to me I just might tell you the secret one day...'

Mary:
'No fucking way!'

Dennis:
'Right!?'

Mary:
'Please tell me you whacked that motherfucker!'

Dennis:
'Just wait, just wait! Listen. So I had heard about enough. I jumped right on top of them, BAM! Hack my claws into the girl, smack Gunther against the fucking ground, he is trying to get away, but I catch him by his disgusting hairless fat little tail, rip off both of his right legs and he's turning in a circle, the little bloody stumps all moving around in the air and shit! Oh boy, it was fucking hilarious...'

Mary (laughing):
'Amazing! You are the best, Dennis! What a deed! You got Gunther. That makes you a legend, I guess...'

Dennis (proud):
'Well, some would say I was a legend before, but now it's certainly official. But I'm not done yet. So Gunther is running in a circle crying like a baby while I'm eating the girl rat, telling him that she is just the right appetizer before I torture him to death. You should have seen him! He was the biggest bitch ever! Ever! He was screaming without end in a shrieking voice: Don't kill me, don't kill me, I do whatever you want! I can get you some more young rats! And then he even starts screaming: I'm Gunther, I'm Gunther! That's it for me. I'm really fucking mad now, screaming: what the fuck is this food-telling-me-its-name-business today? I don't give a shit about your fucking name, bitch! Your name is lunch, you hear me motherfucker!? BAM! I smack him hard. And he's still crying like a little baby mouse. He's all like No, no, please! Ahh, ahh please, no, you ripped off my legs, I'm Gunther, I'm Gunther! No, no, no! Pleeeese don't kill me! Don't torture me, I'm Gunther!
It was too fucking funny! And then, of course, I tortured the shit out of him...'

Mary (laughing):
'I wish I could have seen it! I kinda imagined him to be a tough little bastard, though...'

Dennis:
'That's what I thought. But then it hit me. He was not so hard to catch because he was so tough, or strong, or quick, he was just the biggest fucking coward ever! A big fat rat-bitch. That was his secret. He was so fucking afraid to die, he never really relaxed, he was always extremely careful, always on his guard, never played around, never had much fun...'

Mary:
'Until you came along...'

Dennis (proud):
'...until I came along the first sunny day of the year and BAM! I smacked the shit out of him, that's right! The sun might have played a role, after all that time without it, you know... and certainly he was very interested in that tender little girl rat. That must have distracted him, too.
So probably I got him the only time he was not careful enough...'

Mary:
'No doubt. Anyway, you got him and nobody else. How did he taste?'

Dennis:
'Not so good, really. He was too fat and age wise already on the border to urgh, know what I mean?'

Mary:
'Yeah, I know exactly what you mean! You know who else is getting fat and old? Shelly. She told me she...'

Dennis (very mad now):
'Fuck! Can I just finish the fucking story now? I know Shelly is getting fat and old, but I'm not fucking done yet! I waited till you finished your fucking story, rather a dozen of them, didn't I? Didn't I!? I listened and listened for hours, asking some interested questions, contributing to your story, yes, but letting you finish! No? Is it asking too much to listen to my story till the end now without starting a new topic every fucking time I take a fucking breath?'

Mary:
'Easy big boy! You make me all horny when you get mad like this, you know? So tell me. What happened next my great hero?'

Dennis (calmer):
'Fuck you. Whatever. So: I'm all stuffed and I think my day can't possibly get any better and I take a nap to digest Lunther. Hihi! I call him Lunther now, get it? Never mind. Mixture of Lunch and Gunther... so nap, ok? When I woke up, I went for a little walk and guess who I see? No, wait, don't guess, you'll just start fucking nattering all over again. I see Odin, ok? Standing about ten meters away from me, but he's not alone! Some m.a.n. got him on a fucking leash!'

Mary (exited):
'Fuck! Odin? On a fucking leash? Lucky you! That guy is a coldblooded killer. Did you see what he did to Clara? And she was a real fighter. In her time she won more battles against dogs than anyone! The fucking freak bit her right into two pieces before she even had her claws out...'

Dennis:
'I know. He doesn't fuck around. You can't trick him either. He's not that kind of dog. Even I don't dare stand my ground against him. Especially with fat fucking Lunther in my belly together with his tender beloved, finally united! Hahaha! But I see Odin on a leash, ok? First time I've seen him on a fucking leash, ever. So I cross the street right in front of him, stop, look him right in the eyes and say: My, my! What do we have here? Nice collar, bitch! Looks like little Odin is now a man-bitch just like the rest of his pathetic fucking slave race! You should have seen his face! He was about to explode!'

Mary:
'So what happened next?'

Dennis:
'What do you think happened? Nothing. I turn my head in disgust, passed him like he didn't even fucking existed. Not, of course, without lifting my tail and farting the soul of Boris into the wind. Wind carried it right into Odin's big fucking nose! End of fucking story by the way.'

Mary (giggling):
'You are the greatest, Dennis! Any plans for tonight yet?'

Dennis (distanced):
'Not yet, Mary, not yet. But if you learn how to listen as much as you fucking talk, who knows, I might just come by your place later. Did nobody ever tell you it's for a fucking reason you have two ears and just one mouth? Seriously, what the fuck is the matter with you? I needed like a trillion attempts to finish the fucking story!'

I was listening intently in my hammock without moving a muscle and could not help but think that these animals seemed very cold, cynical and cruel. The urge arose in me to pull a prank on them.

I jumped out of my hammock and landed very close beside them, barking like a wild dog. And they were terrified! They probably thought I was Odin and shot straight up in the air and darted away into the bushes.
I lay down in the grass laughing and thought about what I had heard.

Suddenly I remembered the dream I had about the garden eden and it hit me: This is what the story about the tree of knowledge of good and evil is all about! I had never really though about it before:

Once you have eaten from it, you have to choose between right and wrong.
The cats can afford to behave like this, kill, torture, slander and so on, because they are not privy to the knowledge of good and evil. Cats obviously never got anywhere near that tree, much less touched its fruit. That's why, I guess, they can in all innocence torture and kill, brag about it even and still feel good about themselves. We humans can't.

Having the knowledge of good AND evil doesn't mean you don't have to worry about it anymore, because you have the knowledge now. On the contrary. It means now you do have to worry about it, because you are responsible for your actions. It's all about the ability to choose. You have to figure out what's right and then actually do it. You have to figure out what's wrong and then actually avoid doing it. So in a way the tree is also a symbol of freedom. If you only know good, where is the freedom, where is the choice? I was very happy that I finally understood this rather obvious point, but soon realized that there were still many things about that story that I do not get at all.

What I really can't understand is that the story in the garden of eden makes it look like God regards it as a sin to get the knowledge of good and evil. Call it a responsibility, call it a burden if you will, but a sin? I really don't get it. Why would God want his creatures to be completely oblivious to all the horrible things they do? That's like having a baby and giving it some kind of hormone that stops it from growing just so you can marvel at its innocence while it ripps of the wings of butterflies, giggling, forever.
What a nightmare.

Why would God have a problem with humans knowing what is good and what is evil? It sounds to me like the one thing a God would really want, creatures who know it and actually act accordingly. Would that not make every God happy?

And there are more things that still puzzle me, for example: how is it a punishment for the snake to creep in the dust for giving them the apple, when it was a snake already when it gave the apple to Eve? Was it a snake with legs before? That is called a lizard.

And then God tells Eve and Adam they will die if they eat from the tree of knowledge. Sounds like capital punishment. Yet, after eating, they do not die at all! So were they immortal before and now they are no more, is this what God meant to say? Then why did he also tell them to not eat from the tree of life? If they were immortal already?

And I won't even get into the second generation now, because there things get really mysterious, especially when you ask yourself how the third generation came about... It all gets more confusing the more I think about it.

I seriously don't understand it.

Now the way I would imagine it, God would give an apple from that tree to Eve and Adam during, let's say, the 5th week, probably earlier, when he has to witness them doing all kinds of horrible things...

God:
'Are you stuffing carrots up that elephant's trunk, Adam!?'

Adam (giggling):
'Yeah, you saw it!? It's awesome! Right!?'

God:
'Adam can you come over here for a moment? I want to talk to you. I got this apple here and it's a very special apple. If you eat it, you will know what is good and what is evil. I think it's about time for you to take a good bite. Torturing the elephant for example is evil, Adam.'

Adam:
'What!? So I can't do some of the fun things any longer if I eat it?'

God:
'Exactly. But with time you would understand why. Take the apple, go to Eve and talk to her about it, will you? No, wait, I was gonna talk to you about Eve anyway: Did you notice anything strange about her lately?
Yesterday I saw her ripping the wings off of a chicken and making wild noises, it was really creepy! Her face was all covered in the blood of the chicken and the feathers were flying everywhere and stuck to her face, the chicken screaming in pain and horror... I will never forget the image. I tried to talk to her about it, but she was not listening at all...'

Adam(very exited):
'Hahaaa! She's so funny! She's a genius! Well worth a rib! She also showed me you can put carrots in the elephant's trunk! Have you seen a chicken somewhere?'

God:
'Just go get Eve and we talk about it, ok? I better create a whole apple cake in the meantime. One apple might not be enough...'

Now this version of the story would make much more sense to me.
Adam and Eve would have probably fled the garden of eden, running from that apple to avoid being robbed of their innocent fun. Humans don't seem to like giving up their amusements. Who knows, maybe it was the snake who encouraged them...

Snake:
'Don't eat that apple! Better run! Or you won't be able to torture creatures anymore without remorse, what would you do all day long? You'd die from boredom! And if you still do torture them, you will feel horrible about it, believe me! God gave me that apple, too, long ago and I wish I had not eaten it. Changed everything. Everything! Now I feel kind of bad about much of the stuff I do.'

Eve:
'What is remorse, big snake? Is it like the opposite of something I like?'

Snake:
'Exactly. Remorse you would not like at all! So you better run now, quick, quick, before he comes over here with that fruit! He made a whole cake!'

Adam is still standing there wondering, looking at the apple in his hand.
Eve already took off after the snake said 'Exactly' and finally Adam has made up his mind, too and starts running after her.

Now God is there alone in the garden with his apple cake and, well, the snake, obviously.

God:
'Want a piece of this, snake?'

Snake:
'Sure, thanks! So what are you going to do about Eve and Adam? They really did run! I told you so! And fast! Did you see Eve? Like a lightning bolt! Boom she was gone! She was running so fast, she's gonna catch up with Lilith!'

Both laughing.

God:
'They'll come back. There will always be an apple cake here waiting for them. Until they change their mind and come back they will have to toil for their survival, though. Poor creatures. Let's hope they'll be alright out there... do you like the cake? I also just created this joint here... I was gonna give it to them once they'd have enough knowledge of good and evil after eating from the cake...'

Snake:
'No thanks, gotta go. Cake was delicious, though! But as you know I can deal pretty well with remorse, as long as I don't touch that weed of yours! So I'm going after them to torture them and their descendants a bit... see you around! Thanks for the cake!'

Snake off, creeping after Eve and Adam. God is left alone standing there in the garden with his cake and the joint in his hand, God shrugs his shoulders:

'Whatever...'

A trumpet-like noise is heard coming from somewhere in the garden and shortly after carrots fall from the sky.

When I look at the world it rather seems like this is what happened in that garden of eden. We run and hide from the knowledge of good and evil, afraid that once we are aware of it, we will no longer be able to do things the way we collectively handle them now.

But enough of this musing now. Let's just say we ate the apple and have the knowledge. And I feel its true, deep inside, behind a veil of thoughts, we all know what is right and what is wrong. That means we don't need laws telling us that under certain circumstances it is actually alright to stone somebody to death outside of town. Did God really tell you this, Moses? And all that other crazy stuff, too? Seriously?

I feel we all know what is wrong. We are just to unaware, confused, distracted, selfish and afraid, and as a result to depressed and oppressed, to actually avoid supporting it. But sometimes things change, actually they change all the time.

And who knows, some day we might just begin to act in accord with what we know is good and evil. No matter what Moses says or the law, or our friends, parents, teachers or governments. One day we might just understand that we are the only authority when it comes to what we should do and what we should better avoid.

For cats, obviously, things are different. They can go on forever doing whatever they want and feel good about it.

Anyway, those were my thoughts after listening to those cats talking. What's the deal with my hearing cat voices? I have no idea, seriously. It happened once and never again since.

End of story by the way.