I sit here wanting to write, wanting to get so much off my chest, yet I don't know where to start. I have written before about how writing is my therapy. How that in writing, we get things out off our heads and onto paper (or this case the screen) and then it is there to be seen, to be made sense of, to try and grasp some understanding as to what is actually happening in your life right now. I have had so many things going round and round inside my head. My life feels like it has been completely shook up, that everything is all up in the air.
I like to live in the moment, I like to not know what is going to happen to just go with the flow and surrender. But with that there was this certain amount of stability in my life. I kind of knew who was going to be in my corner with me. Now I don't. Now it feels like that my dreams, which are still mine, need to be re dreamt. I know I can do it, I just really didn't think I would need to. I know I am not being very forthcoming in this post and to be honest I really do not want to give any more away. But I do want to write and ponder and explore, explore what happens now when your life is shook up, when you're not sure what direction to take right now. In one way I guess I just have to surrender to the unknown.
Not everything gets answered, especially not always the answer you want to hear. As humans we spend a long time looking for answers and wondering why, so much energy taken away from the now. But it is normal to ask and to wonder, it is important too, but to what extent? How long should I spend asking why, it really goes against what I believe. I believe in the now, in living in the moment. Why spend time questioning when I do not trust the one who can give me some of the answers that I am looking for. Which makes me think, could I ever trust that person.
It's funny how much energy we give, how much of ourselves we give over to others. We expect to get the same back, but we never do, but we don't lose hope, we keep giving and trying. We keep hoping, we keep expecting. But no one can give you back the pieces of yourself, that you gave freely in the first place.
I have to live with that, live with the fact that I gave a part of myself, of my being away and now that person has disrespected me, has chewed that part of me up and spat it out. Has left me feeling fragile and lonely and in so much pain. I don't know what to do with that, what am I meant to do with those feelings. I don't want to be fragile, I know I am strong, but right now I feel like a shadow. A shadow that is there to care for her 3 girls and get things done. My life is tough right now and the tears keep all falling, I just let them now, what else can I do. I mean What else can life really throw at me right now?
Big Big Thank You To @byn for designing my logo.
All I can say you are beautiful inside out. No matter how deep the sorrows are, the joys will rise again ..
I know you know this ..
When I see you, I see a soul sister, a queen of the fairies offering her tears to us, to this infinite oceanic universe.
There is nothing more beautiful than witnessing in humility the vulnerability of an other. Thank You.
The most vulnerable are the strongest;)
Big fairy hug full of colours, a pink dust from our unconditional hearts ..
thank you beautiful your words brought tears to my eyes, thank you for that, big fairy hug right back at you lovely xx
me too felt the tears when I read they came to you !! When pain & pleasure, joys & sorrows come together. lots of love
Hugs to you. The journey towards pure, unconditional love offers us these times to learn and grow. That which is gouged deeply holds more love and compassion when the wound heals over. And it will heal if you allow it. You will survive and thrive and somewhere in this you will also find the grace to allow your girls their own beautiful relationship with their father that is untainted by your personal issues with him. Know you are exactly where you need to be. Let the tears fall, drink tea and know that this journey towards pure love is why we all chose this earth-school-body 'thing'. Be gentle with yourself. More hugs. x
thank you so much for your beautiful words and support @artemislives this is such a hugely emotional time for me and it means a lot to have such support on here xx
So sorry to read that you are feeling this way, and your life has been shook apart .. Its sad to experience when your other half is not living up to what you hoped all that time.. This is what I read at least, I understand you dont want to give that all away here, take your time I think youre strong and youll see posibilities again soon.. take care ♡
thank you @anouk.nox for your beautiful words and support xx
I am so sorry that you are feeling this way . I certainly wish I had some advice that would provide you with comfort. I don't want you to be feeling this way. I think you need to allow yourself feel those feelings so that your whole being processes the situation. Things will become clearer and better, I just know it.
Always know that you are beautifully fragile and strong and a very bright light in this world. You are seen and heard and respected by so many people. I admire you and have gained so much through all that you share of yourself.
I really like what @alignment said. It feels right.
thank you so much @walkerland you have really touched my heart with your words xx
you are so beautiful. i love this photo of you and your child...
i can understand this part.... and resonate with where you're at .... as you say, you know you are strong (and we know it too) and yet you're in process ... going through this horrible devastating thing, feeling the feelings and introspecting, reassembling. our hearts are with you. So Much Love!!!!
thank you beautiful one, for your words, your love and your support xxx
Oh mama... Sigh... I hear you... I feel your torment... To know the beauty of the all and of being in the moment, but yet to be pulled into the state of worry, is frustrating, but it is part of the human experience! The struggle is part of the creative process! Through each painful experience there is some light, some form of rebirth... The pain of childbirth is intense but brings for a miracle. From this pain you will also have a part of you reborn.
No they can't . But you are still whole. You are still you and you are beautiful and resilient. You are a warrior mama! Let the tears fall and cleanse your aching heart. You will rise above whatever is troubling you.
Holding you in love and light right now mama.
💖
thank you @crowbarmama, so much wisdom and beauty in your words, I really needed to hear them right now, much love to you xx
Hi, I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so down.
Would you like suggestions?
thank you Clara, I would love some xx
I wonder if you read this poem again, what it can tell you about your situation and if you can find help in there: https://steemit.com/tribesteemup/@wombloom/i-am-a-beehive
Hmm, sounds like a bad place to be in. Hugs to you @trucklife-family. I guess we will never get our pieces back together again but as we give, it just makes us human. There was a time I was asked if I would trade the uneasiness being in the tense for feeling numb and nothing, then I realize even in struggles, I'm still a human and in my limits, I could cry and let God reach out to me to embrace me, and that's precious to me.
Being in the tense is never easy and it sucks big time. But only those who are able to stay in the tense and face them head on, will triumph after that. I think you are like a diamond, birthing out of pressure and intensity. I feel you are very strong within and I admire you for your vulnerability too because that's part of your strength too. Cry if you need to, never be afraid or hold back those tears because they carry the strength within you out. I pray for breakthrough for you in this point of life and grace to walk through it. Sending you lots of love 💕
thank you @happycrazycon for your words and support, it is so true we need to feel and express and writing really helps me to do just that xx
Nothing is lost by giving, Some people are bound to be givers. They move on with their lives by letting go of what they had given as though it weren't their in the first place. That is how they restore their wholeness, strength and start anew. :)
thank you @alignment for sharing your wisdom with me, it speaks so true xx
You are welcome 🙂
I love this picture of you.
Babe remember that the pieces we give freeely, we do so out of love and vulnerability so that we can live and engage with this wonderful and puzzling life. And the shadow side of this is grief and loss. Without one, the other doesnt exist. It will hurt in this moment to moment experience but you just live that fully too. Theres a lot more pieces of you left to love and be loved.
Life though, it throws it all at you at once doesnt it? How keenly you must be feeling right now. Xx Hugs Xxxx
thank you beautiful, I am indeed feeling overwhelmed, thank you for your wise words and your loving support it means so much to me right now xx
You are so, so welcome xx