This post was originally going to be about how I have got through some difficult times over the last 2 years. However I then remembered that out of these difficult times I made a song. Therefore I figured I would publish this post which details the inspiration behind the song. Following this post I will post the song, including how it was made with fellow steemians.

I am still here !!!!

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What does this mean ?

This is the battle cry, the barbaric yawp I shout to myself as I negotiate streets filled with emotional landmines.

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Before I get into the philosophical and psychological implications of the “I am still here” statement. Let me give you some history as to why I have to keep this mantra in my head.

Disclaimer: This history details three crappy events that happened to me over the last two years however I do hate the boring statement of bad things come in threes . To paraphrase @wipgirl if you belive this, then when one thing goes wrong you will go looking for the other two bad things that will go wrong. In my case these three incidents snuck up on me ,bashed me on the head, threw me in a dark alley and kicked me in the balls.

Scenario 1

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The preface to this scenario: I had been studying part time for 5 years for a degree part time in Philosophy, Politics and Economics. This was done while working a full time job. While studying I had visions that combined the movies “The Secret of my Success” and “ Working Girl”. The reason for these visions is that I believed once I had completed this heroic feat my CV (resume) would have an irresistible glow and I will be able to increase my earnings and the doors of opportunity would fly open. Upon finishing my degree one door did fly open. In retrospect I should have been suspicious of the ease with which the door flew open and the offer presented.Unfortunately my ego dictated that this was exactly what I deserved. The offer was to work as a business analyst for a small company. The job also involved working alongside the owner in an office together. My mind salivated at the prospect of learning new skills, using my brain and finally getting out of the reprographics/mail roles I had been doing for many years. Unfortunately what transpired was that the owner was a total psycho and within the first week had shouted and swore at me and generally belittled me. I raised my concerns to him however it didn't help and I walked out the place. It was scary thing to do but felt so good doing it. However it did leave a degree shaped millstone around my neck as I gradually had to regress back to my former occupation.

Scenario 2

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While I fought the demons that told me how stupid I was for accepting that job and what a waste of time it was getting a degree. Another scenario stepped in with a punch a to the solar plexus. The scenario in this case was dealing with grief as my father passed away. He made the trip to the UK to see my graduation but died two months later. In the space of one week I was getting ready for work and then two days later was on a plane back to New Zealand ( I was born and raised in South Africa , but moved to the UK , my parents later emigrated to NZ. Just to clear up any confusion). Grief is a really crazy one to deal with. Being quite an analytical person I was trying to tick off the seven stages of grief as soon as possible so I could move on with my life. This is the wrong way to deal with grieving. My advice for dealing with grief is to realise that it is a slow burner and you have to go with ebb and flow of emotions. Days and weeks will go by where you feel really accepting of the situation only for it to hit you when you least expect. It is about waves of deep dark sadness combined with happy memories. However most importantly you have to try get back to your normal routine and get through difficult emotional milestones. For example after the initial death seeing your friends again and talking about it, going back to work and the sombre anniversary of the death.

Scenario 3

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Through all of this excrement I had my rock, my girl friend who had been there as I wept and shook. However when we stopped to take a moment and once the grief and crappy job dust had cleared we realised that we had moved apart. So we decided to break up. The first scenario regarding work and studying was an inconvenient mental millstone however death and a break up have been some of the hardest things I have had to deal with .

BUT…..

I AM STILL HERE

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What do I mean by this ?
The fact that I choose to exist and emerge from these tough times a stronger person. “What doesn't kill me makes me stronger”. This quote from Frederick Neitzche really resonates with me and for the sake of keeping with his philosophy. I am a believer in self healing and strength , to pick yourself up during the hard times and plow on. Then when you get a moment look behind you at the emotional minefield you navigated through and marvel at your bravery and interpretation. Self choice in its purest form can be distilled down to two choices to either exist or to not exist. If you choose to exist you therefore have armed yourself with the power to change your environment.

I AM STILL HERE

Both mentally and physically , having made the choice to exist I therefore worked on small goals to get mentally stronger. To engage with family,friends and fellow steemits. To continue to pursue hobbies and passions that make me smile. In my case music and skateboarding. I have recently been involved in the immense potential of musical collaborations with fellow steemit musicians and this keeps me motivated, creative and engaged with my feelings. Due to skateboarding being one of my lifelong passions I have decided to try be more healthy, work out and eat a bit better so that I can enjoy skateboarding with a level of fitness that can prolong my enjoyment of the act of skateboarding.

It is important to keep these interests and hobbies as a constructive distraction. However sometimes the darkness comes and you just have to let it wash over you and accept what is happening. A few days of darkness is still OK just dont let it consume you. This is where the hobbies,friends and family can help to motivate and give you the strength to exist day by day.

To conclude and paraphrase,

What have I learnt ?

Walking out on the job gave me an immense feeling of self worth and respect and I admire my courage in not accepting such awful behaviour. Out of grief I got a lot closer to my family and appreciated them more. I also had more respect for my own mortality. Out of the break up I again marveled at the courage I had to pursue a long term relationship (it was 3 years and my first long term relationship) and also the many lessons I learnt about myself by having someone in my life who could tell me where they thought I was wrong or how I could improve my existence.

Thanks for reading I will post part 2 in the next day or so , this will showcase the song that came out of this situation.