Living With Fear
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I've written a lot about my life- my childhood sexual abuse- my time living on the street- the military and afterwards. Also about how I now take care of my former boss, "The Turnip." It's all becoming a little bit overwhelming... I spend most of the day doing research and writing about a variety of issues- mostly about corruption, child abuse and pedophilia- the worst aspects of human nature. I'm 72 and exhausted. My heart hurts for the children- from researching and learning of their suffering... I suffer with them too. It opens old wounds- many of them suffer worse fates than I did... and it's beginning to take its toll on me.
I've also written about the dreams I have every night and living with the ghosts of people I've killed. I'm afraid to sleep and more afraid of "the zone" that time between sleeping and waking up. Every night I try to say a Rosary and pray for my friends here on Steemit and elsewhere- that God keep them safe and well. I pray for the children of the world being exploited and abused. I pray for my country- that it be healed and cleansed of the madness that grips it. I pray for everything except myself... in the Gospel of St. Matthew (Chap. 6 just before the Lord's Prayer) it says: "and when ye pray don't pray for what ye need for your Father knows what ye need before ye have need of it."
All of my life I've had some strength that pushes me on and enabled me to get through another day- enough strength for myself and others. I try to help everyone I can... I believe that's why God put us on this earth, to help one another. I try hard to help and be patient with The Turnip, but his demands are becoming too much... having lived a life of privilege makes him believe he's superior somehow. He treats me like a servant. God tells me to be humble and to serve my fellow man- but my patience is wearing thin (I want to beat the shit out of him sometimes).
I also try to help people here on Steemit, I give to a few causes. I try to help my family. Now that I'm making a little bit of money I can... particularly my second wife Diane who works hard to help our grandkids. My biggest/only fear is failure. I'm afraid if I stop researching and writing even for a day, I and others will suffer... but I'm an exhausted old man. I live on coffee and pain pills- I live in constant pain. I need to take a few days off, but fear drives me on.
It's strange how the human mind works- I've never been afraid of death, only of failure... failing to have the strength to carry others and the strength to serve my Lord. Sorry to burden you with my troubles, but I had to tell somebody... Thanks for listening and thank you all for your friendship!
GIF by @papa-pepper
You are a remarkable man! It is my pleasure to listen! It is my pleasure to have your friendship! The Lord will continue to give you the strength. You are in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless You and Your Family. Your Friend @extraterrestrial :)
@richq11 Your article made me remember my childhood experience when my parents got divorced.the pain I went through the and fear of what tomorrow will bring. But one thing I've come to realize is that every pain is for a season and a reason.Fear only brings limitation and spiritual death but God's word brings life.thanks for sharing
To understand my fear you would have to understand my life... My mom died when I was 5 and I spent the next 5 years being passed arounds to a bunch of pedos. Then from when I was 12 -13 I've been on the streets more or less.
I'm 70 never killed anyone so have not walked in your shoes. But I have life experience and have observed the lives of others. My sister is one who is always helping others at her own health and expense. She is religious and helps others to a fault. I think you and my sister are over compensating. Be it feelings of guilt or shame or I don't know. But I do know life should be lived in moderation. Too much of anything will screw you up Physically and mentally. Take a break go out and smell the roses. If you don't take care of number one, meaning yourself you will be no good to anyone else. Peace brother.
Thanks my friend... You're right!
Oh @richq11 I can relate to your fear of failure. I struggle to take time off as well or turn away clients even when I am really busy. It can be certainly exhausting and I think sometimes we need to just pause, breathe and tell ourselves, it will be ok even failure will bring something good!
I replied to our converstaion on your family pic post - pretty much deals with this, as well. If I dont answer you right away, it's coz I went to the IW account.
Fear can enchain us and can also motivate us. out of fear we write but out of fear we hide. I too have had nightmares and dreams of failure on a regular basis. There are reoccurring themes that appear. Have you tried praying to god and finding peaceful place right before you fall asleep? I think Satan attacks us in our sleep and has select ones picked out he does warfare on. Thanks again. I get it.
I say a Rosary before bed... I try every night. Last night I made it just over halfway. I always say my own prayer where I give thanks and ask help for other, then my Rosary.
I believe you. As I am protestant I am not familiar with the Rosary, but I pray and try to repetitively image happy things in my mind. I have heard something somewhere about replacing bad memories with good ones as a psychological tool to health. Though I suffer much depression and anxiety when I awaken from sleep.
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Must be that blue bloody full moon :) I also wrote a very emotional article yesterday. I feel better already...fears are gone again ...I fight those red dragons. I know you can slay them as well Rich!
Thanks Hon... You need to read this...
https://steemit.com/familyprotection/@richq11/avoiding-sleep-dreams-of-childhood
OK .....will do now
There is a saying " there is nothing to fear but fear itself " and whilst it is true it does not stop the feelings inside. I hope one day you can forgive yourself for any and all things that happened to you whether as a child or an adult because unless you forgive yourself you will never heal. You did nothing wrong as a child, you were a victim, it was not your fault - all meaningless words unless you look at them and understand them.
I hope you find peace in your heart because you deserve it
Hey Rich its ok to vent and talk sometimes and I am glad to listen I understand how you feel about the turnip and wanting to beat him but hang in there buddy also Rich I understand why you are doing this you have made it clear but I really think your going too deep into this again and I recommend maybe once a day or something like that write about something else, all the best bud.