I'm 70 never killed anyone so have not walked in your shoes. But I have life experience and have observed the lives of others. My sister is one who is always helping others at her own health and expense. She is religious and helps others to a fault. I think you and my sister are over compensating. Be it feelings of guilt or shame or I don't know. But I do know life should be lived in moderation. Too much of anything will screw you up Physically and mentally. Take a break go out and smell the roses. If you don't take care of number one, meaning yourself you will be no good to anyone else. Peace brother.