Two Funerals, a Wedding, Flowers, Fans and Food

In the last couple of months I have attended a wedding and two funerals. I wrote in-depth a while ago about Thai weddings so for balance, I thought it was time to delve inside the workings of Thai funerals, as far as I can make them out, as they appear to be as complex and mysterious to this farang as the weddings are.

I will try and be as tactful as I can with regards to the subject matter, but no promises. I will also add that the pictures of the funerals in this post are taken with permission. Funeral photos in Thai are as normal as wedding photos!

Although the wedding was bookended by the two funerals, it is with that I will start. The wedding was between Chayaniphat and Ekkachat, one of whom is the wife's half-cousin.

Here we see the cutting of the fake cake and the ubiquitous bubble machine firing on all four cylinders

The evening wedding party was the usual Thai show event at a hotel on the outskirts of Bangkok just 20km from where I live. It was manicured, well stage-managed and rather contrived but I did enjoy the buffet-style finger food. The beer, whisky and coke were free-flow and due to the happy couple overbooking rooms for close relatives, we ended up staying the night after attending the after-party, party at which a couple of leftover cases of Chang were expropriated and taken up to the room where the late-night shenanigans would take place.

I'm not sure our resident gastronome, @slobberchops would have been impressed but it was really rather nice. The extended family, however, were not so. They are old fashioned and much prefer the traditional 10 seat Chinese round tables although this style of event is becoming more rare, especially amongst the younger generations. Luckily there was plenty of whiskies to be had and so this small matter could be forgiven!

Despite the plush surroundings, the low Mansard roof style still reminded me of old draughty church halls back in England!

As most of the father-in-laws family live in the far south of Thailand, we often get asked to represent certain portions of the very large extended family at such events. Although I didn't recognise Fon's cousin, I did know his Mum who I chatted to at our wedding 6 years ago and a lovely lady she was too. At the wedding, however, she was in a wheelchair and didn't recognise me. It transpired that she was in the final stages of a very aggressive cancer, and even sadder that her son's wedding would be the last time she went out.

The Call......

We were out the following Saturday, having a walk around Ko Kret, an island in the middle of the Chao Praya river in Nonthaburi which is a province that borders Bangkok to the north-west when Fon got a message from her Dad telling her to check into the family Line group. Ekkachat's Mum had sadly died just three days after the wedding but the start of the funeral had been delayed until today due to the Wat (Temple) being full to capacity. In this case, the Wat was a purpose-built centre for funerals that could handle up to a dozen funerals at a time. Despite its capacity, due to its no-nonsense services and reasonable costs, and the fact there are 10 million people living in Bangkok meaning there are a lot of dead people, she had been kept at the hospital morgue and had just been brought to the temple for her funeral rites to begin. Again we had a lucky break as we were just 20 minutes away and sped down there just in time for the 5 pm kick-off of the first day.

Line is a messaging app which is a necessity to have in Thailand to function as a normal citizen!

The family had gathered again and although some of them had just got home after the wedding, they again made the trip to Bangkok from all four corners of Thailand. They were more prepared than we were in a clothing sense, although at least the Leeds shirt I was wearing was white which is an acceptable colour! The wife's pink blouse did raise a few eyebrows amongst the more traditionally clad mourners but our apologies and explanations were met in good spirit and gratitude we'd made the effort to turn up.

Ekkachat's Mum was laying at the front of the room covered with a simple white sheet with the coffin on a plinth behind her. A few displays of fake, white flowers, which were actually quite tasteful surrounded the scene.

At this funeral, there were just five monks. Four seated and one running the show. Note the robes and small gift box waiting to be handed over.

On arrival, most people went and knelt in front of her in prayer for a few seconds. There were five monks, one of whom was officiating and the assembled guests sat on white plastic chairs facing the front. The odd number of monks, as at a wedding is important and there were a number of parallels to be drawn. After prayers, holy water was blessed and the head monk slightly rolled back the cloth to reveal Mum's hand which was drooping by her side and the mourners formed an orderly queue before taking turns to dip their own hands in the consecrated water and letting a few drops drip onto Mum's hand. Back to the seats for more prayers and then my wife and I along with a number of other people went outside where we were given water to drink and stood idly chatting in hushed tones. I wondered why people were still inside so I asked;

"They are going to lift her into the coffin" was the answer.....

I positioned myself to watch out of the corner of my eye as Ekkachat and other close family members gently lifted her up and into the white coffin and then what looked like a handyman came out of the back with a very shiny silver hammer and started banging in nails to seal the coffin!

I'm not squeamish and have zero regards for death but the empathy towards that poor boy watching a guy hammering 6-inch nails into his dead mum's coffin was unlimited. He was suddenly in pieces, and I was suddenly wondering why they were using such big nails and half expecting one to go in skew-whiff and for the silver pincers to come out to pull it out and start again.....

The last time I'd seen Ekkachat was about 11 pm on the night of his wedding. He was strangely with his mates as opposed to being with his new wife, pissed out of his head and had lost his room card key and iPhone. This time he looked rather more sombre and infinitely more sober!

No one else cried, many didn't even look that sad.

The banging reverberated loudly amongst us outliers but no one batted an eyelid. It was totally surreal. The shiny silver hammer sort of reminded me of a silver stake and my mind began to wonder and question its significance and whether it had to be silver to stop her escaping! Don't worry. I kept the thought to myself but it did make me have to work hard to suppress a smile!

After that, we were led to an open room and a simple meal was served. And that was it. With the bathing ceremony and day one over, we got back on the bike and went home before any relatives had time to ask us if they could stay at ours.......

To Prachin Buri....

In December, the mother of a close friend of my wife died aged a very impressive 99 years-old. She lived out in the rural province of Prachin Buri in a quite a large temple and the funeral was to last for 7 days and we turned up to pay our respects on Day 4. It was a large provincial temple and there an awful lot of people there and we were immediately ushered off to sit and have some noodle soup and cold drinks. This was just the entrée! (Entrée is NOT the main course my dear American friends!)

This is the nice part of the temple that most people see, the funeral takes place in an industrial unit around the back.....

Let's have a closer look at the mechanics of the funeral process...

The first ritual following death is the bathing ceremony. Today, it more commonly takes place as a ceremonial pouring of water. Guests to the ceremony will, one by one, pour water infused with lustral water over the hand of the deceased. Following the bathing ceremony, the hair is ritually combed and the body dressed and placed in the coffin; the undertaker will perform certain rituals during the process.

The coffin is then placed on display for merit-making, and daily rites are held, with monks invited to chant the Abhidhamma. This was traditionally held at the home, but today it usually takes place at a Buddhist temple (wat). Such rites are usually held for three, five or seven consecutive days. An important ritual during such funeral rites is bangsukun (บังสุกุล, from Pali paṃsukūla)—the offering of cloth to monks on behalf of the dead.

The body is finally disposed of in a cremation ceremony, which takes place at a temple's crematorium (called men (เมรุ) in Thai for their symbolisation of Mount Meru). Sometimes, this will be held after waiting a certain period (e.g. 100 days or a year following death). Merit-making rites are also held at 7, 50 and 100 days after death.

Thais being Thais where 'face' and prestige is everything usually go for the full 7-day affair with maximum monks and lavish spreads at after each of the day's rites ceremonies. In the case of the out-of-town funeral, an important guest was asked each day to act as 'Master of Ceremonies' and with a microphone in hand, directed proceedings and eulogised about the deceased with aplomb and enthusiasm. Other lesser important guests were asked to take part in 'bangsukun' and so I found myself kneeling in front of monk 5 of 9 ( I'd have been happier if it had been 7 of 9 eh Trekkies?) holding a packet of new folded robes and an orange basket of assorted toiletries. It seems monks prefer Darlie Salty toothpaste to Colgate minty.

The flowers, the fans and the coffin proudly on display surrounded by white swans and plastic flower arrangements...the backdrop of industrial steel shutters is a nice touch!

A little word about the gifts for monks. These packs you may have seen shops selling in Thailand are given to monks to make merit and due to the fact they have enough soap to keep half of Thailand clean, they often sell the packs back to the shop for a discount and the shop resells them again. So it is with the robes too that I found myself giving to grumpy and fat No. 5 monk. He would most likely have preferred a packet of fags and a couple of cans of Chang.....not that monks smoke or drink you know ;-)

Sorry it's a little blurry but here come the monks!

The flowers at this funeral were vast arrays of fresh flowers tied off with ribbons, as were the fans. Fans? Yes, fans. It seems monks like fans to keep their dorms cool as they don't have such worldly luxuries as air conditioning and until then, I'd never noticed the little shop, halfway between my home and the local temple which is just 400 metres away that sold fans and monk gift sets. At this point, I also wonder that if at Christmas, like in Boots in the UK they put little stickers on and mark them 3 for 2?......I doubt it!

Some post-rites mingling as we get ready for the photographs with my Monk Number five just rushing it all along so he can get at the food!

So after rather a quick ceremony, it was off for the main course and a huge spread delivered dish by dish to the round tables (Ahhhhhhhh, Chinese round table style, like the wedding should have been!). This was just Day 4 don't forget and if I were being cynical, I'd suggest the local village thought upon death as a week's free dinners. Many guests had brought their own whisky but there were bottles of soda laid on and despite being offered a drink by the other guests, I didn't partake. One hundred and twenty kilometres home at midnight on my new motorbike with the wife on the back took precedence!

The mood was not particularly sombre and there were no tears and I felt sad for the lady's kids who had organised, and no doubt paid for all this and wondered if they shed a tear for their mum in the privacy of their own home. The whole thing to my western eyes was contrived, showy and most unrespectful.

We didn't make the trip back for the final cremation ceremony......

Back to Bangkok,

This place was much more solemn and was a sharp contrast to rural Prachin Buri. The rules here are; five days maximum, one meal in the canteen after the rites, five monks only and NO alcohol!! The alcohol ban was explained in a sermon by the head monk who was officiating in an hour-long sermon which had the congregation of hard-drinking family members in a state of shock. If they weren't looking sad before, they certainly were now! The monk continued in a school-master tone, seriously explaining how they followed a strict Buddhist code and that the key was frugality, respect and solemnity.

After an hours service and photographs had been taken, we all went outside and chatted and said our farewells. Again! Some had long distances to travel back down south, others were going to a party but there was no meal this time.

I thought this was a much more eminently sensible place to say goodbye to your loved ones. Not least from a cost point of view which we might as come to at this juncture!

Now when Thais talk about money, I usually take it with a pinch of salt. In an attempt to gain face, they inflate the actual costs just for effect, even so, Fon's friend from Norway suggested the whole week had cost her and her siblings around eight thousand Euros and I know when Fon's gran died a few years ago, the cost being bandied around for the huge event in Songkhla was close to half a million baht, around twelve-thousand USD.

Khon tai khai khon pen (คนตายขายคนเป็น) - "The dead sell the living"

The good thing about the Bangkok venue is that prices are held low and fixed, unlike regular temples where charges seem to be numbers plucked from thin air depending on location and popularity and have zero consistency from one temple to the next. The prices were also very transparent, being menu style and so easier to budget. Kids here do worry about funeral costs and are pressurised by their parent's expectations which I feel is rather sad, although again, in the same style as a wedding, guests bring 'envelopes' which does help with the cost a little.

At the annual family party last week, the father-in-law and his closest brother were still discussing the 'dry' and budget funeral and Fon turned to me and said that they were saying that there was no way their funerals would be like that. We smiled at each other. You think?!

@nathen007

All photographs were taken by me. Additional research from Wikipedia and the wife!