STRUGGLE #02 - Dealing with the pain...
This is about the psychological elements of being rejected or having your work criticized. "Struggle - rising from the dirt" is a series about my personal artistic life, as well as about my journey on Steemit.
I was challenged to write about this topic by @jayna, who wrote about how to accept criticism on your fiction writing.
photo source unsplash.com
Pain & Gain
I was rejected a lot in my life. By family, friends, dates, customers, you name it. Some of it certainly because I am not the most diplomatic person in the world. Rejection hurts, sometimes it sticks with you for years. In the worst case it changes you as a person. I honestly can't claim to be the same unscarred person I was at age 18. Did I change or just face reality? It's hard to say.
The truth is, if you want to do your own thing, there will always be more than enough people to reject or criticize you. But listen: That might not be a bad thing. After all, they represent an opinion that many more have and that you need to face in order to get where you want to be. As the saying goes "If everybody likes you, you are doing it wrong".
Rise above it
Steemit is a way of putting yourself out there. For a lot of us it is also a very personal journey, because we share things that are close and dear to us. Rejection can come in many forms, be it the active hater comment or the passive lack of views, upvotes or comments on your stuff. It is a gut-wrenching feeling to create something from your heart and soul, just to be shot down by others. Standing on your own feet means to face that pain again and again and again. As a self employed designer it sometimes took me an hour and a shot of vodka to even find the courage to go out on the streets and find new customers.
Even if you had the best product in the world, they might simply not need it at that moment. Even if you are the coolest person on the planet, your date might not want a relationship right now. Is that about you? No. It is about technicalities. Most of the psychology that comes with rejection can be dealt with by understanding that simple fact. Wrong place, wrong time, wrong circumstance. Those are not about you, but they are still worth investigating.
Asking the pain away
Here is a simple trick that will almost always defuse a situation and even lower or remove your own pain. If a heated situation comes up, just say "How about you explain to me what troubles you about this?" Anger is like a sail, the more you blow into it, the bigger and stronger it gets. As soon as you stop blowing it up and star letting the air out, it gets soft and weak. On top of that, you even learn a new point of view that might help you improve. If you ask this question, make sure you listen 80% of the time.
But I created it...
When I create something it feels like it is a part of me. You probably feel the same about you creations. This makes it especially easy to take any critique personally and be offended. Who didn't say "But my work IS me. This is who i am." They are like our babies and we want others to like them as much as we do. Be honest: That is a bit arrogant. It's important to also accept the choices others make. Is a tomato bad because some people don't like tomatoes? I don't think so.
Of course all of this is a lot easier said than done. When pain and anger moves you, it takes a strong will not to follow into that dance. On Steemit i try to stay away from all that salty hate as far as i can. I see the trending hate posts, and i want non of it. This time and in this community, i want to do the right things and ask the right questions. It might take a giant effort, but it's time to grow anyways.
Very well said. Thank you for accepting the challenge! This is a perfect complement to the post I wrote, covering more of the emotionally challenging aspects of criticism. I really enjoyed reading this, and I think it can benefit a lot of people. I resteemed it. 😊
Thank you, i am happy you enjoyed reading it. and thx for the resteem.
This post is very timely... There are a lot of people who will say hurtful things, often out of jealousy or a lack of understanding. You're right to keep moving forward and putting your thoughts one word in front of the other. I am glad to hear your experience is molding you and making you into a better writer. You are going places. It takes a lot to share bits and pieces of yourself on the internet. I don't think that it's time wasted. I love this part...
Thank you, i'm glad you like it. I think social media made a lot of people more aggressive than they would otherwise be. It's time we turn the "salty" setting back a bit and try to be more understanding and open again :) - I miss the time of online forums, where discussions went on for days or weeks on one single topic.
I have found, through my own Steemit journey, a better ability to handle rejection. Perhaps is just the right time for me now, perhaps things are different, but I do think the Steemit environment has played a role. It seems to be conducive to creating a place, and just going with the flow, good or bad. And the points you make are all valid. It can knock you about to not get the views, or the comments, or not receive the accolades you feel a piece of writing is worth. I've been there.
I do seem to be encountering this topic a lot more these days. I think it's an issue of great import, and as such i was very pleased to see your post discussing it. Because it matters in life, as well as in writing.
Thank you for your interesting comment. Steemit has some problems in that regard i pointed out in another post. Just the knowledge that you put maybe hours into a post and then it's window of being seen by anyone is gone in mere seconds if you have no following, is at times soul crushing. But steemit has also good features. The ever lurking danger of a flag war made me think about what i want to write in a comment. Does it really help or do i just want to vent my anger? On Facebook you can fight it out and pain in emotional pain. Here you can loose your income over something that isn't worth it. That is a big incentive to try to be a good person. Maybe it is a bit shallow to say i try to be good because i can loose income, but than again, isn't that what most religions do too? be good or be punished seems to be a recurring theme in most faiths ;)
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