Struggle #01 - Life of an artist
This is a series about being yourself and the struggles that come with it. It is also a series about my life and the way i am trying to change it for the better. So the first part should be dedicated to the Mind Police
Read this while listening to my latest creation
The Mind Police
When i was 16, i decided to become an artist. I decided that i don't want to be a normal person. It seemed strange to me that i would have a boss, telling me when to wake up, when to take a break, when to learn a new skill. Your boss is like your parent. You have your feet under his/her table, so either you play by his/her rules or you will get punished. Worst case, they throw you out and you may never find a job again.
It is my deepest belief, that we are all sentient and creative beings. We have the highest level of potential of being free, among any species on this planet. After all, a bird can ever only be a bird. A cat can ever only be a cat. You will never see a pig read a book or play a piano (yet becoming a president seems an option still). Humans are the only one who have a choice. You can live in the desert or a jungle, between animals, for the rest of your life. You can live in a city, write novels and paint. Yet, for some reason, most people decide the best thing to do with their life, is to put it under the rule of someone else. 9-5, get your certificates, have a promotion once in a while, marry and die.
As soon as you say "No! I will try it on my own." culture starts to collapse on you. It's like a beast that gets angry and growls at you. How dare you disagree? We build that wonderful culture, that gives you everything: Food, clothing, a pleasant life, all the amenities you desire. All you need to do is keep your head low and play the game.
It's a sharp, cold wind, blowing into your face, showing you all the pictures of what will eventually happen to you. There you are, sitting alone in your room, noodling around on that foolish piece of "art". Isn't that just a hobby, something to do at your own time? The voice get's louder when you go on a stage: Now look at him, he really thinks he deserves an audience. Oh please, please make all people laugh and show him what a phony he is. - Wait, what? They like it. How do they not see through his swindle? PHONY! PHONY!
Eve's Apple
I don't think you can stop that voice from yelling at you. It is built into our culture. It is build in the very definition of what culture is: To be and do as others do, as to be part of their group. Also the second element of culture "To ridicule and deny all other forms of life." - That is what is meant by "integration" - it means: Don't dare to come here and think you can still act like you always did.
Going your own way means, you need find a way to live with that voice. It doesn't go away with success or money or being loved by others. That only makes the voice louder. Now there is even more that you don't deserve. I'm not going to tell you there is a happy end and with these "5 easy steps" you will feel good forever. This is not a feel good fantasy. This is me, telling you, that i am in the middle of that struggle. Harsh wind in my face, angry beast blocking my way. Looking into the mirror and saying "I hate you".
The thing is: Once you have bitten into eve's apple, there is no way of going back. I can't unsee the things i have seen. I can't unlearn the things i have learned. I know there is a world out there that i neither need to fear nor need to conquer. It is just there. Peaceful and open. Think about it: We all have needs and we all have a bit of money to pay for these needs. So when will there ever be a moment when you can't make money? Do you like nice things or fun music or a good novel? Well, these are all art products. Everything we use has been designed by someone. The more we enjoy an object, the more it was created by an artist.
Into the wild
You would think with that in mind we could never think of ourselves as worthless time wasters. Yet, there is a good reason why the Mind Police is always around: Culture is a war of tradition against innovation. It is the difference between an artisan and an artist. The artisan will (re)create what has been done before and will cherish the history, tradition and wealth of knowledge it is loaded with. The Artist will look at all that and says: That's wonderful, now let me try and change it. When that happen, the artisan becomes an artist. You could say that there are more novels already than any single person could read in a thousand lifetimes. Yet you would still feel the need to write another one - and ideally in a way that brings a new perspective to it or at least be your very own expression of things.
And that is where the struggle is: New is always a risk. Leaving the secure paths to explore the unknown. Being at high sea with no point of reference. Leaving the garden to enter the wild. More beasts and traps than anything else. Yet, this is the last adventure we can take: To explore ourselves and question who we are.
Photo source: unsplash.com
Find all my music here: https://elektromautzie.bandcamp.com/
YES to all of that. I wish I could tell you things will get better, or give you a hug that would solve all of that. But you're absolutely right, that wouldn't only not solve it, but not even help a tiny bit. It doesn't really matter that I like what you write, that I can relate to every word of it. That I feel that voice inside me. It doesn't matter, because our world is wired in such a way that we all need to deal with that voice individually. I wonder if that is something true, or another way of culture making sure the individual artists will fail as much as possible.
Perhaps I can also add that the last part, the questions you raise regarding the new and how that works, is what has been my main question in life since about 8 years. I wrote my PhD about it, and continue to struggle with both the hope and the depression that is contained in the question.
Thank you for sharing. This is big.
Thank you :) Most people assume that culture just fades away at it's borders. And at the physical borders that is true, because it fades into the next culture. But on the meta layers it is build like a Chrysanthem flower, where all the leaves bend inwards back at the middle. And you need to fight against these bends to get to the outer layers. Yet, however much you fight, there isn't ever a way to leave that flower completely. It will always remind you that it is the original way.
Like @nobyeni, I wish I could provide some solace. We are a breed of sorts, we creatives, and there's a reason that hackneyed term "starving artist" came into existence. But being 100% committed to the craft is the way people succeed. It takes a lot of faith, and an ability to block out all those voices telling you that you should choose their path or get in line with the herd. Those forces are always very strong. Along came the block chain, cryptocurrency and Steemit. I believe there's hope that creative minds will prevail.
Thank you :) I guess it is a fight most creatives have to endure. The more abstract the work the higher the stakes. That said, i wouldn't necessarily link the Impostor syndrome to a lack of success. Successful people actually often feel it even stronger since they have more to loose and feel more as a fraud. The element of not being able to handle fame is in many cases less about not knowing how to handle the money, and more about not being able to handle that suddenly millions of people love you.
btw. that's not the post about rejection - that is still in the pipes ;)
I totally understand you.
thank you :)
Not quite sure why you would need solace. You sound like an admirable warrior to me. Keep up the good work. There are more like you lost on the high-seas. Every now and then your boat tips upside down, sometimes a shark passes by,... blub, splutter, spit, 'scuse me while I cough up a shrimp.
I don't think i need solace either. And thank you on the warrior thing. I chose this path and i can leave it any day i want. Yet, somehow it feel it would be wrong to do so. We have been given this amazing brain and all this technology at our disposal. There has to be something better to do than sitting in an office and working away our life energy to fulfill the dreams of other people.