Angry Versus Disappointed
Here's a quote @nananini made in a comment to a post I made several days back, Regret and Remorse:
For some reason I thought of our son who has always told me he'd rather I would be mad than disappointed. I found this later to mean he would then be disappointed in himself. Then I figured out he thinks it is easier to overcome mad than disappointed. Fine line.
My reaction was that of course it was easier to overcome mad than disappointed. My immediate reaction was that it was obvious. Then I spent several days figuring out why I felt that way. To me it was obvious. But why did I think it was so obvious? It wasn't even obvious why I felt that way.
Before I go on I want to tell you I am not a psychologist or therapist of any kind, unless you count talking to myself. That could the pending dementia or Alzheimer's I've talked about in another post though, I can't remember which one now. For this type of post these are only my thoughts. I am an engineer, retired now but I've always been an engineer. You know the stereotype, pocket protector, geeky, and awkward in social situations. I don't think I am that bad (at least I've never worn a pocket protector, well maybe there was a few times), but still an engineer.
I did finally figure it out, for me anyway. I get mad at someone if I disagree with them or they do something I think is stupid. I am disappointed in someone if they do something that makes me believe they are not the person I thought they were.
We all have expectations of the people we know. We know this person is going to talk all night and never say anything important. Another person will have wonderful insight into most situations. Then someone else will just ask stupid questions all night. I can put names to each of these three types of people and I would imagine you can too. With each of these people we know what to expect, so we have an image in our minds of what kind of person they are.
We may disagree with each of those people and may even get mad at them. We pretty easily accept that from them if it fits into the expectations we have of them. On the other hand, if someone does something below the mental image we have of their personality, we (at least I) become disappointed in them.
It's much harder to adjust that mental image you had of someone than just to get over being angry with them (again, not a therapist, this is me). Where I disagree with @nananini is the point of it being a fine line. I think it's a big thick blurry line that is different for every person we know. A person can do something that is a huge difference with the mental image we have of them and adjust the line. Or, they can do a lot of little things that gradually show themselves. Either way the disappointment grows. If someone continues to force me to lower my expectations of them sooner or later I normally decide that this is not a person I want to associate with anymore.
Maybe having expectations of other people is a sign you have expectations of yourself. If I hold myself up to a standard of the type of person I want to be, it's fair to hold other people up to expectations of the type of person I want to be around.
I agree Completely with the last statement. In fact, we should hold ourselves to even higher standards than we expect of others. I've not really studied what my triggers are for anger and dissapointmentioned, but you've certainly opened my eyes to it
As a much younger person, I tended to hold others to higher standards than myself. I gradually grew out of that when I realized that I was being unfair to others.
Wow. Just had time to check in. Kind of late for me to give this proper response.
Thanks so much for sharing a quote. Get back to you soon.
And I have to throw in, you are a very nice engi-nerd.
Thanks, I resemble the engi-nerd part. Nice, I try to be but I am sure my wife will tell you that I do have my times when nice is the last adjective I would be called.
That would make two of us.
I did think about this when I went to bed. We are on the same page. I kind of figured out disappointment is more personal than anger. I think it is very seldom I would be disappointed in a stranger. Mad gets provoked by anyone.
I think I can be mad at someone and not be disappointed and vice-versa. So definitely two different emotions.
You can be disappointed for someone, disappointed in someone and someone can disappoint you but it is about expectations. Fair or unfair we all expect something of those we know.
Our son, who is a complicated dude, began basing his expectations on what he thought were mine. Once I figured this out we've had a lot of good discussions. Oddly, seems my 'approval' is what he was judging himself by. Complicated as I mentioned. Not sure why he felt I was the one he wanted and needed to please. Kind of a special honor but a lot of responsibility.
So we do need to have our own set of standards for ourselves more so than for others and try to remember other people have their own.
I do know someone in each of those social categories and those are the ones who unfortunately live up to the images we have much too often.
I have been disappointed in myself for being mad but don't know if I have ever been mad about disappontment.
My reactions to each varies I think. Disappointment I seem to manage more inwardly, sad, quiet, thoughtful. Mad is more outward where much more likely to express.
Both are judgemental and very human. We just can't let either get the best of us.
I never adjusted my expectations for Tyler. He still seeks my approval. I am hoping though that we have a better picture of what each of us feel.
I also take disappointment inward and I think it's because I look at it more as if I made a mistake about a person. The thought "Why didn't I see this in them?" often comes to mind. I don't necessarily blame them, more myself for misjudging them.
As for Tyler. Before my mother passed away, on visits home she and I would have coffee together early before anyone else was up. I think these conversations led us to have a relationship different than what she had with any of her other children. My father and I don't have the same relationship, he and my older brother were always closer, but he was never up for that early morning coffee. Maybe there is something similar that you and Tyler share that makes him look to you for approval.
Yes, sir. He and I have toughed out some hard ones. Actually, he would kidnap me. Ask if I wanted to run somewhere with him and get back 3 hours later. Lots of time to talk. And listen to his music. And pick out cars we would never buy, steal driftwood from the park, I got to burn rubber in his Olds, lots of time to bond, so to speak. He can't drive worth shit and his music I got used to.
Happy to hear other moms can be friends with their sons. I can tell you she will always consider those talks special, too.
Make sense a lot! I always set a standard for myself and if I fail to match that level it makes me feel weird. Same goes with people around me.
I agree those standards we set for ourselves can make us feel bad. Better to have them though.
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