Regret and Remorse
Regret and remorse are very similar and in the dictionary they are used to define each other. For this post I and going to regard regret as a feeling and remorse as an expression. For example, if I do something that hurts or offends someone I would tend to regret having done it and express my remorse as an apology.
But where does the feeling of regret come from? One possible answer is regret is the emotion we feel when we fail to uphold our personal values. In an earlier post, Morals, Ethics, and Values I talked about the morals we have internalized as our personal values helping to guide our daily behavior. Once these values are engrained deep enough in our personality we tend to hold them as expectations of our personal behaviour.
The disappointment in myself for not living up to my personal values manifest itself as regret. If I hold the value of respecting everyone but make an off-handed disparaging remark about someone that is different from me, am I meeting my personal value? If that value is truly engrained deep enough to guide my behavior, I will regret that remark.
The level of disappointment in ourselves then determines our expression of remorse. One extreme is that I only thought the disparaging remark. At this level I admonish myself for the thought and commit to being better at meeting the expectations I have of myself in the future. At the other extreme, I made the comment to the person that is different from me. Here I probably need to offer that person a heartfelt apology in order to alleviate some of my disappointment in myself.
Having a strong set of values provides a feedback loop when you fail to meet the expectations you have of yourself. Values are taught to us as children and young adults by our parents, religion, school, etc. As we mature, we choose which of those values we want to keep. Choosing the right values to keep and utilizing this feedback can make you into any type of person you want to be.
You have a great example to define and convey the value of each in a clear, meaningful way.
For some reason I thought of our son who has always told me he'd rather I would be mad than disappointed. I found this later to mean he would then be disappointed in himself. Then I figured out he thinks it is easier to overcome mad than disappointed. Fine line.
And now the cynic, young people still form values but I see they are formed on a narrow view, limited life exposure and self-serving approach to life and the world. (Sorry)
It is easier to overcome mad than disappointed, no doubt about it.
And for the cynic. I believe that if we truly mature and not just grow up, we will shake off those self serving thoughts that we took as values and grow into better people. If you can go look in the mirror and tell me your the same person you were when you were 20, 30, or even 40 (I remember how your age), I won't be mad at you but I will be disappointed.
I sure as hell hope I am not the same person. What a waste of learning experiences that would be.
If you can't, don't or won't take stock in your values you go nowhere. Getting older sometimes is no more than changing, growing . Facing regret and remorse, along with all life's emotions are a part of these changes.
That is why some are older than their years and others never grow up.
Yes, so those young people that, in your words, form values but I see they are formed on a narrow view, limited life exposure and self-serving approach to life and the world, hopefully won't stay that way.
This world is messed up enough. Can you imagine how bad it would be if we had started 5 or 6 generations ago only basing our lives on the beliefs of 20 year olds? I don't mean to offend any young people but at 59 my view of the world still changes as time goes by. If you're in your early 20's, write down your thoughts on the world right now, read them in 10 years and if you still agree with everything, get a therapist because you need help.
Maybe we should write down our view of the world and read it in 10 years. Never too early to start.
By the way, wanted to acknowledge the four cent upvote! It was my lucky day.
Maybe in our case, it's never too late to start.
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