Thursday's With Uncle Boom: #2
Back again you blighters? It must be my comforting bosoms!
Well after last weeks splendid initial instalment, I was not at all surprised to find my chatbox absolutely brimful of requests for sagely advice in the ways of Steemit and indeed the world. And today I thought on these...
I left the gentlemans club this afternoon having spent a splendid time imbibing gin with fellow men of substance spoiled only by the waiter's terrifyingly small hands. As I stepped into the street, an unwashed fellow thrust a torn paper cup at me asking if I could...
Tap him a few bob?
I was aghast at the impertinence. I started wrestling with my belt in the frantic way a Duke would at a brothel and prepared to give him a damn good leathering with it.
Alas, he took frit at this and scarpered tootsweet, calling over his shoulder as he ran.
Aye awrite! Who shat in your handbag anyway?
What the blazes, I don't have a handbag? Did he mean my portmanteau? Clearly the mans senses were addled by a lifetime of coarse liquor and rough hessian clothing.
I find it dashed preposterous that a fellow cannot step a foot unmolested on the streets these days without a stout cane and a masterly amount of facial hair to chasten the needy from under his feet.
Which of course brings me to this edition of Thursday's with Uncle Boom. It seems that even the hallowed streets of Steemit are infested with grasping sorts, eager to skin a man for a ha'penny.
Still. My charity is boundless and as I have previously stated. I am here to help. Although I must add, I fully intend to haud oan to my ha'penny.
Lowland Scots vernacular -A boorish exhortation to ladies to remain chaste.
So on with the advisements. I expect in no time at all I shall be knee deep in congratulatory missives thanking me for turning round lives.
Spam_Farmer1: I have a cool contest idea, are you interested?
Uncle Boom: Well, this is splendid. Of course dear fellow. I do love a contest. In fact in my day I was quite known for my pluck when it came to the jousting. What manner of contest is it?
Spam_Farmer1: Not sure. I will let you know when I get the proper idea. 10 Steem should be enough for the first week.
Uncle Boom: We shall meet anon.
Spam_Farmer1: I will need the steem before I make my post.
Uncle Boom: What steem?
Spam_Farmer1: Will you send it?
Uncle Boom: What? Wait, will I fucking what?! You scamming popinjay! You think you can shit in a sandwich and tell me its jerk chicken? How very dare you. Begone from my sight!
Next.
Spam_Farmer2: Support me friend - somerubbishlink
Uncle Boom: Support you? What in the dickens do you think I am? Some type of elasticated hosiery? Perhaps a girdle?
I am happy support you to a height of at least 1 foot off the ground via a swift kick up the arse if you darken my door again you fiend. Now get off my land.
As you can see I am eminently suited to this task of advisement. I have long been known for my empathy and compassion. I know that I can help where help is needed most.
Just like tears from a bulls penis can cure warts (you have my word.) You can be guaranteed that advice from an upright gentleman such as myself can soothe the sorest of hearts.
Write me a letter in the chat of steemit. I guarantee your anonymity. I can never stress enough...
The true challenge of this cure is the act of obtaining said tears. To cure the warts, the tears need to be fresh. Usually, obtained by hand. Alas, those who have not spent the time to engage with the bull and built up the required relationship might find that hindsight would reveal that the warts are better left un-cured.
Now that is sage advice. One tends to employ a ruffian and pay them in rough liquor like scotch. That way the risk is somewhat mitigated
the comment above is very funny - warts? what? wahahha
I thought hold uppers only roam the street and strike when you're alone
they've found their way in the chat, too?
Oh yeah! Chat is big for random approaches! The competition one was a good un!
Hehe on the warts!
tell the mob you already got one for free ;)
sad eh?
Hahaha, yeah I like it now I switched notifications off and I can check at my leisure!
Hahahaha! Oh I'm doubled-over with laughter at you both. @meesterboom and @gikitiki when do you take this show on the road?
Hehe, it was a splendid comment!
Only available on steemit. :-)
Note: A true gentleman would never refer to scotch as a "rough liquor".
I have been waiting all week for this! I had thought that last week was just an intro, so I didn't realize it was already the first edition. As to why you seem to be a magnet for paupers, we may never truly know. Perhaps it is the air of machismo that you effortlessly exude, or the man boobs you so proudly flaunt. Based on your picture, I can see what your daughter noted.
I really like the idea of getting the payment before you divulge what the contest is. It's like you're holding someone at gunpoint, but instead of a gun, you have leverage. Wait, what's that? They don't have massive amount of Steem Power, very little reputation and no leverage whatsoever? That's like a tiny tiny widdwe gowdfish telling a massive dolphin to pay him so that the dolphin could make use of the water haha! High-larious.
As always, a gentleman and a scholar, my comrade from a different continent. A tip of the hat to ye. Cheerio!
Hola Comrade from a different continent!!
Yes, isnt that cool? Having virtually no SP and demanding some before even posting about a contest in which they have not even decided what the contest is going to be for?!?
Its the man boobs. They work 70% of the time everytime
Although remarkably, since cutting down on the shite I appear to have lost some already. I am thinking now that perhaps I was a little bloated that day. However then I weghed myself and the scales didnt lie. Half a stone. Thats what I need to lose. Thats actually quite easy!
They could've at least given you an overview of the contest to move the con further along. Some people could've easily been baited if the contest described seemed real. Oops! Why am I giving them ideas? Oh wait, they don't read posts or comments, so we're good.
You've already started? I've ramped up eating so that we could reduce our weight together! I can't believe I've been gaining while you've been losing all this time :(
Hehe, a good idea to ramp up before the start! Yes indeed, I started straight away, had to find a battery for the scales and everything. It was quite a relief to feel less big yesterday because I haven't been eating many of them pesky carbs!
Oh man... what am I going to do with all these junk food I bought :( I, for sure, thought you were going to start next month. Might have to start reducing as well...
It must be my comforting bosoms!
Are these the same boobies your daughter mentioned :)
They may indeed be the very ones! Well spotted! ;0)
There that big I couldn't miss them hahaha
I admit, that combined they for a pleasing pillow for a weary head. Is your head weary my darling? Would you like to snorfle in?
I wouldn't mind but the idea of snuffling in a set of hairy boobs does not appeal to me
Oh they are hairless. Fear not on that front, silken even...
That's better mind I would prefer silky muscles ;)
There under there... Somewhere!!
LOL!
I think that the gentlemans club is a great place to visit however is it the solution for boredom?
your posts are always entertaining, upped. Good one indeed
Hehe, Cheers mate. Perhaps I shall set you in the club one day!
Absolutely...I am sure that they have great beers there.
Ahahahaa how dare he mislabel your portmanteau!?!! I really do like Thursdays lol
I know, I was most unamused!!!! :0)
What has the world come to when a gentleman can't peruse his own fine lands without the peasants constantly getting in the way? How frightfully troublesome this has become.
We should start a
competitionclub to tackle this problem. You'd be happy to donate wouldn't you. Say 10SBD? Generous fellow like yourself.Why yes! Payable in advance of course. A man should always honour the debts he has not even incurred yet.
The streets should be swept clear for us finely garbed folk!
Those are the most honourable debts to honour. But of course. In the mind of the peasants, that is. What strange creatures.
I'm more of a finely garbled folk, but other than that I'm right there with you.
Finely garbled, surely not! A man of such fine exhortations of the written word?
And yes, these creatures do appear strange at times to the principled gentleman!
"somerubbishlink" They never learn. They just bull rush in and throw a link right in your face!
I know! Where is the gentle tease, the cameraderie before throwing it at you!
Very funny the section of this week that dear friend @ meesterboom, you are very right in what you say, there are blatant without limits.
It is a pity that this happening, today I will dedicate a post to try to contribute on this subject, is the only way to fight it. Telling them they are doing things wrong.
Thank you very much for latragicomica presentation of the Uncle Boom
I wish you a beautiful afternoon.
I look forward to reading your deliberations on it dear @jlufer!! We shall end this as a team effort!!
Indeed! Give em the boot, dear Sir...for they are in need...of it ;)
Ah yes the boot. Although sometimes I fear they may gnaw at it in their desperation!!
I'll need ten steem to start...he might not be a bull, but sounds like he's got the balls of one, if I meet a warty fellow I'll know where to direct them...er, well I'll know to direct them to you so you can direct them to the bull's balls.
I'm excited about how many people are now taking this spam stuff seriously. Maybe we do have a chance of forming a pitchfork wielding mob and chasing them off our land! Begone with you spammers, steemit is for intelligent, creative, quality contributors!!
EXactly! The problem has probably all been that we are a relatively nice bunch who are reluctant to flag but I think action has to be taken. I caught one who I flagged at the bottom of this and I looked at his comments and his are all just spam. A spammy basturt!