Road Rage

in #life6 years ago (edited)

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I saw the empty car parking space near the front of the shopping mall.

Bingo.

I shouted over the wild banging gangsta rap that was blaring from my car stereo. The car park had a silly one-way system which meant to get in the space I would have to drive a half a mile round journey the opposite way to come back to this bit.

There were no other cars about.

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Playas gonna play!

I yelled with happy abandon as I splobbed the car in the wrong way and quickly reversed into the golden space. Halfway through my reversing I heard an angry car horn.

Beep!! BEEEP... BEEEEEEEEEP!!

I looked up merrily. There was a small white sports car close to mine revving its engine and sounding its horn. At the wheel was a woman in her late forties with a leonine mane of hair swirling around a worn and angry face. The red lipstick smeared liberally over her lower jaw made it look like she had just munched on a bison.

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I gave her my best smile. One which I reserved for ladies who were lucky enough to be in the running for a little turkey's neck.

It was my daughters birthday today and I had been dispatched to pick up her cake from the shop. I was in an exceptionally good mood. The coffees had flowed like wine and the chocolates and sweets eaten so far meant everything was a little sparkly.

I got out my splendidly parked car At the same time, the leathery-faced lion woman got out of hers.

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It's a bloody one-way system!

She screeched in a white-haired madwoman way.

I paused momentarily as I was searching for a spare plastic bag from the boot and looked up.

Yes, yes it is. Well done!

I called cheerily and went back to my bag hunting. There, found one. I surfaced from the boot. The dead sea scroll faced woman had taken a step or two closer. Little flecks of white at the corners of her lips.

THAT IS HOW ACCIDENTS HAPPEN!

She yodelled like a demented Swiss.

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Not today milady, not today!

I chuckled like a man observing his shaved nadgers in a mirror for the first time.

She turned purple, then a sort of mauve. Her jaw trembled and it looked like some pustulent hiccup was forming deep under her jacket.

TYPICAL BLOODY MAN!

She screamed as if she was holding on to my ears and ejaculating.

I swaggered past her as if wearing wet tracksuit bottoms and tipped her a wink.

Calm down lass. We don't want your insides falling out of your vagina!

I carried on with a lively spring in my step and a song in my heart. Life is too short to get all angsty over a parking space!

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I kill you, LOL! You know, I haven't really been subjected to road rage personally, but I've been in the car with my mother when she was, haha, to this day we have no idea what she did but a car pulled up beside her and the guy, whose face was the shade of your crazy lady yelled "What an asshole!" into the window. He seriously looked like he was about to have a seizure. My kids were with us, and about two seconds of stunned silence later we were all cracking up so hard we couldn't breathe. The guy saw this, threw out his middle digit and sped away, LOL. But seriously, what kind of rage do you have to have to scream at my mother?? haha!

My girlfriend had someone tooting and swearing behind her one day, when she was waiting to turn onto a busy highway. So got out of the car, tottered up to the guys behind, in her high heels, car full of guys yelling abuse. After an exchange or two, she told them to "fuck off" and watched their jaws drop. Then turned onto the busy road, and drove slowly down the middle, straddling the two lanes, so they couldn't get past.

Hahah, that is the way to do it!

They go nuts. I had a guy trying to ram me the other day. He didnt realise he was playing ram games with stone cold dawg so I never moved and he kind of backed down in a sneaky way. Mother funkers.

And shouting that at your mother. The filthy swine!!

Haha! I remember this story! Felt like it was so long ago!

Happy Birthday to the doll!

Hmm.. sounds like a scene in the Phil parking lots
there we have no rules
we just say - "mauna una"
meaning whoever's first it's his
no need to honk or get raged

perhaps she's having her period?
ahahaha but it's the EU so here you'd be reprimanded chico :D

I dont think she would be having any periods anymore. She looked all husk'y

I think thats the right way to just let what is be. Mauna una, Iam going to say that in future :O)

The doll has had an awesome day :O)

I enjoyed your story and the way you write it. You write so vividly. Your stories are like a movie. It is like sitting in a cinema and watching a movie.
I am glad you still have your eyes, with such an angry lady you never know.
Congratulations with your daughter, I hope she has (had) a very nice birthday.

Thank you very much. I'm quite glad to have escaped relatively unscathed!

My daughter has had an amazing day :o)

Back from vacay and just checking in...Happy Bday to the little lady!! I bet she'll love her cake.
and as for the lipstick-smeared wench...that'll teach her to drive a stupid little white sports car that no one can even see from normal car mirrors!

HA, you are absolutely right there . It was about a foot high off the ground. How do you get in and out of these things?!

Cheers lass, she is having a smashing time. Lord knows how we will get her to bed after all this sugar!

Hope you had a lovely vacay!

Thank you, I did indeed! warm days, blue skies :-)

I would kill for some warm. Ah well, not ong till summer and a week of sun. Ala Scottish summer

80 degrees and sunny. Some of us got a nice catamaran sail :-) yes, that's me in those foster grants... It's more of a sailfie vs a selfie ;0)
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A Sailfie!! Awesome!! Man, look at that sky!! I havent seen that kind of blue for yonkeys!

Ahhhhhhh...... you're a rule breaker Mr Boom... and therefore should be screeched at by banshees every day of the week. Rules are there for a reason young man, sure, those reasons might be useless and make zero sense... but if you're going to be part of society you'll need to abide by them.

What if the lioness was a viking?

Obviously I'm kidding... ridiculous rules should always be ignored. It's your duty as an intelligent human being or similar.

HAha, if she was a viking there would have been a fight to end all fights. Who knows how many axe wounds might have been on display that day!

Lol, I like some minor rule breaking. :OD

Hahahaahaha, axe wounds. You really are the worst Mr B (read : best).

I read it :0D

Sounds like she was one moment away from throwing bombs on you. Some people just live angry. They see the negative in everything and look for all that is wrong with the world. Happens on the roads all the time. Saw a guy just the other day get angry about another driver going too slow in the passing lane. They were both passing me. Once the angry driver got passed me he quickly swerved, almost cutting me off, and then gunned it to pass the other driver. He the purposely cut him off and once in front of him he slammed on his breaks. Dude was trying to make a point... a very dangerous point at 120KM on the highway...

Stay sane people!!!!

I know, I have seen some oawful anger stuff on the roads myself. The worst thing I think is when they get sos angry they stop focussing on the road and then put everyone in danger.

She was an angry person. I could totally tell. Its funny, because on any other day I would have been quite different in my reaction but today I was awfull chilled and happy! :O)

ha..ha ... ha ... you're funny story, which is even funnier happened on the birthday of your daughter, you are so right take your child's birthday cake, it is the woman who ....! Day of happiness is OK yes I'm the prize, the prize do not forget to support me, and Greetings to you from @ riska-amanda.

Greetings to you from @meesterboom!

Thank you for visiting and reading :O)

Hahaha, lovely days! Congratulations with your daughter and i hope you had a great day after dealing with The dead sea scroll faced woman.

Thank you for making my evening more fun.

You are Alan Shore from Boston Legal. Nothing upsets you and you always have the witty comeback. Bravo mate!

Lol, would that I was! I tell the good ones with the witty come backs. The others might get left untold ;0)

Well a Happy Birthday to the little Boomer anyways!

I felt we in the States had all the roadragers, kinda glad to see its everywhere!

Oh no, we have some massive ones here! :O)

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