Park Life

Ah its a glorious day here in sunny Scotland today. Such a rare event during the grey wet summers that people go a little loopy. Including myself.

Today I was off work courtesy of the school holidays and lack of childcare.

Being that kind of right on parent who believes in empowering their child. I asked my daughter what she wanted to do today.

_{I say empowering but really I was being a lazy bastard that couldnt be bothered thinking up something fun, heck it worked!}

Excellent said I. The park was a good option. As she is getting a little older it is no longer such the military operation going anywhere. I only had to take one and a half bags and seven toy cats. Affectionately known as

All The Cats

In no time at all we were toddling along the streets to the local park. The sun was beating down, butterflies fluttered past. Monkeys and squirrels chattering in the trees. Oh wait, scratch that. No monkeys.

It's a large park and we meandered through it enjoying the lack of rain.

The swing park daddy.

My little pork chop said.

But of course!

I responded with a flourish and led the way. As we approached it I thought it odd that there were no mums and kids in it. Its a busy park and often the swing/play park bit is really busy with screaming monsters kids everywhere. However, an eerie silence emanated from it.

It was disconcerting.

We got closer and I put a hand on the dog-proof gate. It creaked as it opened. Despite the sun, me and my girl shivered. She stayed close to my leg as we walked in.

The swings were empty, the climbing frame also. There was a climbing wall on one side of a hut-like structure, it too, silent and empty. We walked toward the enclosed hut-like climbing frame. As we did a cracked voice wheezed.

Awrite there big chap

A jakie bastard (Jakie, scots word for tramp or bum) emerged out of the hut thing. Baring his rotten teeth in a big smile. In his hand a can of Tennents. The Scottish beer that most Scots are embarrassed by.

He was pished as fuck.
_{Pished - Rather drunk in Glasgow parlance}

Ye wahnt a wee swally?

He proffered his can at me.

Aw, bless the fellow. Life can throw you a hard knock now and then and I bet this chap had just been dealt an unlucky couple of hands. I bounded forward and clasped him in a manly hug.

My friend, let me help you!

I sat him down and even took a sip of his can in a show of friendship. We chewed the fat and discussed how best I could help him out of his rut that he had found himself in. Then he bid us adieu clutching in his hand the spare five hundred pounds that I, like any fine gentleman always carry in case of emergencies.

I would love to paint a picture of me as such a fine and upstanding chap. What really happened was. ..

Darling, go over there and play on the swings.

I said this cheerily with a weird plastic smile on my face. My daughter looked a bit uncertain before heading off for the swings.

I stepped forward, right in close to the jakie bastard and hissed.

This is a fucking kids playpark. GET. TAE. FUCK.

His face fell. Perhaps he too had been envisaging the scenario where we had become life-long friends and he had walked away with five hundred of my sponds.

Ah wis only hivin a wee beer man?

ITS A FUCKING KIDS PLAY PARK, YA DICK. OUT

He stared at me angrily and drunkenly. Then shambled off toward the gate. I shot a glance at my daughter to make sure she hadn't heard any of my swearing.

It was fine, she was swinging away happily.

The jake turned at the gate.

Big man, Ah couldnae tap a fag aff ye, bay any chance?

What?! Did he know I had chucked the fags? Was he taunting me? Before I knew I had bellowed at the top of my lungs.

GET TAE FUCK!

I motioned with my hand as if to skelp a dog that had peed on my good rug. The silence stretched. He shrugged and walked away. Phew. I thought. Glad the little lady hadn't heard any of that nonsense.

Daddy, what did you shout at that man?

She had materialised at my side.

I looked down at her precious little face. The truth is always best, time to fess up.

I said QUACK QUACK YA DUCK darling

I think she believed me.