Chained To Horses

Daddy-Bear, look at the car, it's a bloody state. When was the last time you washed it?

I was heading out to the shops for supplies and the Good Lady had stopped in dismay when she was helping me take some bags out to the car. Despite the storms we have been having recently it was quite dirty.

In fact, it was a mucky pup.

Well, it's fucking winter, lass. It's too cold to be out there in my denim hotpants giving the car a soapy tit wank.

I made a chuckling noise like fat spubbling down a drain.

Besides, if you leave them long enough they start to self-clean.

I smacked my own arse as if it were a horse in appreciation of my own humour.

Very funny. My hair did self-clean that time.

The Good Lady scowled at me as if daring me to take that one any further.

For the sake of potential future night fumblings, I decided to take another tack.

So, yeah. It's too cold. But you know, if you ever feel like it, you could give it a wash yourself?

I said with one of those smiles that couples share when they move their Knight to F6.

Me?!

The Good Lady looked aghast at the idea.

Yeah, you. You know. Like, remember those women who chained themselves to horses or some mad shit to get the vote. Same thing. Emancipation or some such fucking nonsense.

I grinned as the Good Lady shook her head and hmmph'd at me before retreating indoors.

I jumped in the car, chortling like a mad old fool who has just found a pickled onion in his chips and headed off to the shops.

Later, after getting the supplies from the shops I stopped to get petrol. Whilst I was jamming the hose into my cars filthy mouth, I noticed a sign.

POWER WASH 'N WAX - £5

I stared at it thoughtfully. A car wash? I had never actually put my car in a car wash before. I had always done it the old school way. You know, wearing a tight t-shirt and rubbing myself soapily all over the car whilst winking at my elderly neighbours.

I looked at the car, it was a right old state indeed. A fiver was nothing really. Maybe just this once I could get it washed properly? Hmm. I headed to the counter to pay and get more info.

IT DIZ YER TYRES AND AW THAT SHIT ANAW.

The words of the dude at the counter rung in my ears as I drove the car around the back into the car wash, clutching my little voucher which I pushed into the willing slot at in front of the big whirly car wash machine.

I drove in and it started.

The brushes spun up really quickly and started to move slowly over the car, it looked as if I was getting swallowed into the belly of a ravenous beast and I momentarily felt giddy.

BRRRRRRRRR

The brushes squirted white soapy foam over my car's face and then rubbed it in with their swirly bits.

I sat in my car captivated by it all. This was fucking magic. Seriously amazing. I half wondered if I should get my penis out?

Like all paid services, it was over far too quickly.

As I drove out, an idiotic smile on my face, the guy at the counter shouted.

See you next week then!

I nodded.

Aye, this was gonna be my new thing. If I went to the car wash often enough I wouldn't have to worry about getting the missus pregnant.

Result.