B Day??

in #life7 years ago

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That's right. Today is the day. The day the baby is meant to fall to earth.

I left for work after suspiciously patting the good lady's tummy and asking her for the tenteenth time if she was absolutely certain nothing was happening. She rather forcefully confirmed that indeed, nothing was happening.

It looked like today was going to be a long day of the waiting. The good lady had an appointment with the midwife in the morning. Apparently they are going to check her cervix to see if it's ready.

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Always keen to appear ever knowledgeable I nodded wisely at this then waited till I was on the train before googling it on my phone.

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I think the retching noises I made disturbed the other passengers somewhat. No matter, what did they know? Myself and the good lady were quite obviously the only people in the world to have ever gone through childbirth before.

After I stopped with the boak-ing noise I saw an incoming call from the good lady on my phone. Holy flip! So soon? I had only just left. I answered it quickly.

Hello lass. Has the eagle landed?

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What on earth are you talking about? Can you bring in some milk after work?

Milk?

I took a moment to digest this.

Milk? You mean you aren't calling to advise that the rabbit is coming out of the hat?

No darling, relax. Nothing is happening.

Hmm. I wasn't convinced. Once again I hoped that this whole pregnancy thing wasn't an elaborate ruse she had been carrying out for months in order to have her neck massaged and feet rubbed all the time.

I trotted into work, my shoulders bowed. A random woman stopped me in the corridor.

Oh my goodness! Today is the day! You must be so excited!

Oh yes, like a Panda in a pipe.

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There, I walked on past as she tried to figure that one out.

The day eked out slowly. I tried to relax and go with the flow but it wasn't happening. Various people came up and congratulated me for my as yet unborn baby. I smiled but in my head I sneered.

Oh yes, I am amazing. I have fertile jizzums.

It was quite out of character for me to be so ungracious. I think the stress was starting to show. And then in the afternoon it came.

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I hurriedly fumbled at my phone.

Hello?

My voice wobbled. A serious voice replied.

Is that Mr Boom?

Yes, is that the hospital, is my wife there?

Mr Boom, we are calling about the automobile accident you were in?

Eh, I wasn't in a... Oh fuckity baws. Get off the fucking phone you knob! I am waiting for a real phone call.

Mr Boom, we have infor...

Bite ma banger!

A rather quaint Glasgow term. A banger is a euphemism for a sausage and when I say sausage I mean penis. I think you can figure out the rest from there.

I hung up.

My vigil goes on.

Sort:  

Oh damn, I keep getting on expecting to find The News...apparently my cave was not as cozy as the good lady's. My kids wanted OUT, nearly two weeks early for both of them. But my sister in law was a week late and had to be induced. You wouldn't think she'd have taken her time if you met my bouncing baby niece, she's less than a year old and already precocious!

Is it weird that I'm really excited for you? This is the first steemit baby for me, well the first of my good friends on here to be having one so I feel invested! haha! Just like with Jed's upcoming nuptials :)

It's not weird at all!! In fact you might be one of the few to hear the name and see the pics on that other most hated of social media sites!!

I am excited for Jed's nuptials too!!

She just had a clarisage bath on the orders of the doula. Fucking Voodoo nonsense!!!

A what huh bath? voodoo, haha, that does sound a bit new age/crystal/tarot card reading :) "Just rub a piece of purple quartz on the belly and chant omm, brings 'em right out' hahaha!

It is for such things that I keep FB- and it seems that it's the only way to communicate with some of my own family and friends- I keep telling them they should get on here! Do you have Jed on yours? I like seeing his family picture posts, Lianne is such a cutie :)

I do indeed have him there. I kinda mostly sacrificed it for steemit so miss a lot. I only just saw you're reply to my little lady Photo today!!

Same here, I've been on it a little more the past week communicating with my cousins, but that's unusual since starting steemit. Actually I went a long time without even having fb, finally broke down and made one a few years ago to support my brother's music--speaking of which, he did finally make a steemit account but the confirmation was sent to his spam and for some reason he couldn't get into it. He's supposed to be sorting that out, he's already made his introductory post! Can't wait for him to experience the magic, I know you and he will get on famously. He already reads your posts!

And YAY to the name and pics I'll get to see :)

Aw that's splendid!! You will have to let me know as soon as he gets it sorted so I can add him!

I used to really like Facebook but then more and more people I didn't like kept adding me. It ended up I could barely be myself in it anymore!

You're definitely not alone, sis! I think a lot of people are on baby watch haha! First Steemit baby for a lot of us so it's definitely awesome! I'm overflowing with happiness whenever I think of Boom Baby #2 too!

If you hadn't put the banger in the pipe, the eagle wouldn't have came out of the hat, leaving the rabbit to fall to the earth for the tenteenth time to stand vigil.

All of the above!!

Wait...

What about the Panda? ;0)

Well, clearly, when you put the banger in the pipe, the Panda ate it. No wonder it was getting excited, after days of no bamboo to chew on, it would eat anything.

And the similarity between the bamboo and a gentleman's cashew is something that's odt remarked upon!!

Indeed! Though, somewhat uncomfortably, that does shed a new light on using cashew milk for my lunchtime smoothies. Boak!

Haha, boak indeed!! :0D

Lol!! No!! The Panda in the pipe!! :0D


I'm not in the pipe anymore... I'm everywhere.

There will now be Panda-monium. All thanks to @meesterboom

Panda-monium. Double lolz!!

Someone catch that Panda!!

Lol, my mobile provider has blocked that! I shall have to wait till I get off the train!!

Lol, checked it, hilarious..I didn't know that one!!

Lol.. thats True anyways, Welldone, @meesterboom I enjoyed reading every line.

quiet dear friend @meesterboom todays children know what they do, will soon take the flight that brings him to earth.
We will all be in sweet waiting.

I couldn't have put it better myself!! Cheers mate!!

B Day? Isn't Boom Day every day? Oh you mean the birth! Ahh! It is finally upon us. I feel like it was only yesterday when the conception was confirmed, and now the symphony is ready to welcome the booming bundle of boy... I mean JOY! Booming bundle of joy!!

Has your good lady not learned from that other time she played The Boy Who Cried Wolf on you? Haha! Maybe she derives happiness from seeing you jittery, dude. I do know of other pregnant women who thrives on the anxiety of their mate. I heard that it helps ease the delivery. So, I guess just roll with it, brother. Just roll with it.

Oh man, I'm so psyched for you, dudeskie!! First pregnancy that I've tracked from the very beginning fully online! It's quite exhilarating! Have a healthy delivery you two lovebirds!!

The waiting goes on!!

The good lady is just as desperate as me to get this party started. Alas though. Nothing.

I have been giving her the arched brow repeatedly but it doesn't seem to be having an effect :0)

Perhaps you should revisit your theory that it's an elaborate ruse to get back massage and foot rubs. Is the doula in fact a struggling actress just trying to get by? Are the doctors and midwives in on the whole thing?? Is the Al Queda guy in on the whole thing as well!? The conspiracy deepens!!

On a more serious note...

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(It's line is straight because it's not playing around)

The way we're taught to induce labor in acupuncture is to massage about an index finger length from the inner side of the left medial malleolus. Here's a pic:

Also, above the left knee. We've also been taught to prick the outermost toe, but I haven't seen that really work.

I hope it helps!

Hot dang!!

I mean really!!

I am so going to try this tonight!! I am excited. I imagine the good lady will be held at I give myself a funky labour inducing massage!

Let me know how it goes! Don't do it too well though or you might have to deliver Boom Baby Part 2 before you get to the operating room haha!

Yaaaaarrg, that's it a frightening prospect!!! I will keep you in the loop dudezer!!

Arg! It didn't work? :( Perhaps you need to apply more force, dudemeister.

I will keep you in the loop dudezer!!

Oh great. Any place is better than the iron maiden I've been holed up in!!

Very well written!

You have a great style!

Cheers mate! I try my best :0)

Trying isn't doing... I'd say you are doing :)

Oh oh, the waiting!! I wish you the best of luck, and especially your wife. Finally, she is the one who has to put the baby in the world.

Thank you!! She has definitely got the hardest part to play. I only have to stand and watch whilst smoking a pipe!! ;0)

lol .. still has not landed?

Noooooooooooooo!!!

Why!! Why had the eagle not landed!?! Waaah!! :0(

That's ok, but not next to her bed I hope (lol)

More vigiling. I shall vigil with you

Thank you for the mutual vigilosity!

You got my vote and a resteem :]

Well thank you! Love the username!

"Expectation postponed" that's a tough one! All the best to you and the good lady!

Cheers old dog!! At least I know that every your it is delayed is an hour closer!

Cor, I should write motivational posters!

Nothing beats running to the hospital in the middle of the night...
Wishing you both good luck!

I know, I can totally sense it. It's gonna be a night job!

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