Random Thoughts

I mostly slept this whole week. The messages I read from friends and strangers here in Steemit made me think that I am worth something in this world.

I cannot say thank you enough to everyone that made me feel love and worthy.

It was hard when I couldn't love myself and think that I was worthy to live. When I looked at the mirror all I could see was the failure.

I wanted to hit reset because I hated how my life is right now. I had felt so alone and unwanted. Nothing I did in my life seemed to be going well.

To me it was as if ending it was the only option. I know how it will affect my family. I know how some would say it was waste of a life that could have continued but at that point I felt at my lowest.

One of the bad things about being a workaholic was how I identified myself and my success to how well I was doing in work.

Sure I have hobbies like reading and playing video games but these were escapist moments for me. Without my career I could not really identify myself.

And how I have fallen from someone that was well respected to someone that got disenfranchised with the belief that I could make a difference.

It came to a point that I doubted myself and thought would thinks have turned better if I had just compromised my morals and let management do what they wanted. Would things have been better if I just said yes instead of fighting for what I believed was right.

I have been called as naive and a dreamer if I believe that things would go to what is morally right. Life as it seems values power above all and if you get into the shitlist of someone then you are powerless to do anything.

People will turn a blind eye and tell you to let it go. To swallow your pride.

Source

The phrase "History is written by the victors" comes to mind when I look at the narrative called my life. Some may say I am playing the victim here that it is not the end of the world when I lost my career.

They have won and broken me. I lay shattered and helpless.

That I could stand again after time and time fallen hard in the past. Yet at this moment I don't feel like standing up again. I am wallowing in self pity and depression over something that had control.

One friend said if only I had lowered standards. If only I did not care enough. If only...

Maybe I should have read the writing on the wall that I am not fit for this industry. Yet I don't know what else to do.

I feel that I can't just go and change my path at this point.

My sisters say it is not to late to change and find something else I want to do with my life. Yet all of my friends are happily settled into their careers and families and here I am stuck in a rut.

I am rambling... I just want to let some of my thoughts get out of my head. I want the voice in darkness to stop talking.

So that is why I just sleep. I long for dreamless states that mimick death. When I awake to no dreams I dont feel refreshed but nor do I feel anything.

Yet sometimes I am disturbed by dreams of the what ifs.

Sometimes I dream I took a different path. A path where I did not fight so hard, Where I was broken in a different way because I compromised. Yet I saw that I was still now happy.

I still saw that in the end I still took my life. An endless world of it ending the same way.

If only I did not exist.