This Alcoholism Thing Really Really Sucks Big Huge Balls...
Dealing with this alcoholism thing really really sucks. I have read studies that indicate not to give up, because it does take on average multiple times of trying to quit before someone actually accomplishes the feat.
I must say I am truly becoming concerned about my alcoholism and health. My left side has had continuous pain for months. I believe it to be my pancreas, because the pain is accompanied with a metallic taste in my mouth. I am also having night sweats.
My primary care doctor ordered a CT scan in which nothing was found. A few months after, I went to the emergency room (directed by my primary care doctor) because I had a large amount of blood in the toilet one day. The emergency room also conducted a CT scan and found nothing. They also conducted blood tests. Everything came back normal.
I know I should be grateful that nothing was found. I am however concerned of the possibility that something is happening to my body because of drinking. I have read stories regarding people who have had their pancreas checked through blood work by their primary care doctor and everything came back negative. However their left side pain continued and it took a Pancreatologist to diagnose their pancreatitis.
So today... After a night of binge drinking... My hands are sweaty, my feet are sweaty, and my armpits are dripping. Essentially i am a walking sweat machine. If someone smelled me right now they would think I had been drinking all day. The alcohol smell is actually from last night. I've even brushed my teeth twice today and used Listerine but the alcohol smell smell is still there.
One of the worst feelings after I fail and pick up a drink is the negative shot to my self-esteem the next day. The continuous negative shots to my self-esteem obviously builds up overtime. The guilt and shame are also almost unbearable.
I know I must quit drinking or I'm going to either die or have serious health issues. One of the craziest parts is I have a familial example of seeing an alcoholic and the health consequences alcohol can bring.
My father is a functional alcoholic. A 12 pack a day has finally caught up to him this month. His liver and possibly pancreas are in very bad health. I was actually surprised when he told me because he is a private person. He even informed me that he was going to start taking medicine to help him quit drinking.
I was truly surprised because my father has always been very open about his drinking and has always told us that he wanted "to drink and always (would)". I am very proud of him and it has given me inspiration to try harder to battle this disease they call alcoholism.
I know many people reading this are probably thinking" well f**king quit drinking already". And I agree. I'm tired of always carrying the guilt and shame of failure. The weeks that I am successful with not drinking; I am very productive. Drinking makes me unproductive and unreliable.
I do seclude myself because of the shame. You can look at my yellowing eyes and brown rings around the pupils and know I am an alcoholic.
Why even write this post, You may ask?
For one, I would like to document my struggle with alcoholism so others may understand about this disease and what alcoholics go through. Secondly, I would like others to know that they are not alone in the struggle and give them the courage to not give up. Lastly, I hope this nightmare will have a happy ending and I would like the world to share it with me. Yes, it is scary to share your weaknesses. But, i have to own this if I'm going to grab it by the horns and kick its ass.
Thank you for reading this post and allowing me to share my feelings and struggle with you all. I'm not giving up. I know I will stumble. But I need to keep dusting myself off and keep trying. I know I can offer more to the world then just being an unreliable alcoholic.
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I probably became a drunk because I couldn't stand to travel alone -- but I did. I think there's really something to the expression "Dutch Courage." I had a guy help me quit -- thanks Cody, I owe you big time.
You can get over it. I did although it took making myself really ill and unhappy before it stuck.
Yeah, I remember the phrase "I was tired of being sick and tired". I do have to get over it. I really do. The feeling of failure is becoming really old.
For me doing a course on mindful meditation helped as well as a lot of exercise.
The other major thing is time and that is part of what makes it so hard.
When you are drinking you lose the ability to experience pleasure or feel normal without a drink.
The paradox is that it takes time for that to come back but it is so easy to give in to temptation early on that is easy to keep ending back at that zero level and it turns into a vicious circle.
Thank you for your response and suggestions.
You're welcome :)
When you are addicted to alcohol, you are finished!
It's better to abstain than going through the route of alcoholism.
Thanks for sharing @lexikon082
It's been a learning lesson. One of the main reasons I used is to cover up the pain brought by the experience of war. While it temporarily numbed that pain, the pain always came back. I have been trying to own that experience and find more productive ways to deal with it. Sometimes you only realize abstaining is the best way after the fact. I've always been one to learn by experience, but this one was a rough one to learn through experience. Hopefully, I can be the person that people may actually listen to when I speak about the havoc it can wreak if you don't practice moderation.Even that can be a double-edged sword, because how will you know you are capable of practicing moderation once you start to drink? So it is probably like you said:
Once you are determined to take a route (abstainance), nothing can stop you !
Decision is the Key!
Today is day 71!
I love you bro!
You're doing it.
:-)
I never drink alone at home, it's too easy to get bored and have a drink.
its a challnging to overcome it..... one of my friend did .. and he used to do meditation , that helped him in controlling his mind , brought more clarity and most importantky increased his will power , you must also do it ... it has got various other benefits . below is a beautifl post ..go through it ...
on the international yoga day few days ago indian government issued a document about yoga . It was awesome , and included all the aasanas that are to be performed along with instruction ,benefits , caution and much more find it ...if you dont den let me now ...
Remember : India is a origin country of yoga science . It also has a seperate ministry dat look after yoga and other alternative medicines . we all must do yoga it help in the synchronization of body and mind ..
You all take care about your oral hygeine , physical hygeine , or whatever-hygeine it is .WHAT ABOUT THE MENTAL HYGEINE ?. Now just 20 mins a day can change your life .
read from the below link it will take not more than 2 mins .
https://steemit.com/life/@ronyy/deeper-than-the-deepest-sleep-yet-you-are-compltely-awake
Wow, this is one of my older posts when I was really really broken. I have come a long way since then. You can tell just by the title how negative of a state I was in. I will read your post and will contemplate yoga as I have been looking into exercise as a way to only help me physically, but emotionally too. Thanks very much for your awesome reply.
I heard that 40% of alcoholics are allergic to gluten and if they become gluten fee their cravings for alcohol disappear very fast. Might be worth trying.
That is a very interesting statistic.
Have you tried Out Patient Treatment or even AA meetings?
In any case, the story is real, the shame is real, people including the alcoholic do not understand why they drink again. It is a tough one. Thoughts and prayers to you.
I did go to a 30 day inpatient treatment facility in 2008 and managed to stay sober for over a year. I then went to AA meetings in 2010 and believe it or not(I am not pointing blame here) my sponsor wanted to go to a biker event at a bar. Let's just say I went...left about after an hour and drove straight to the beer store. I have been contemplating AA again and it is the reason why I have my car in the shop after about 8 months of it sitting, so I may attend when my wife is at work(if i get the urge to drink when she is not home). She usually drives me everywhere, because driving is a struggle with my PTSD. Yeah...it's been a crazy life and I'm only 34.
I wish you health and happiness, I am glad to hear you are open to your options. Keep trying until you find what works.
I feel your pain. I think you have a good chance of beating it.
A friend of mine put together a very interesting strategy for quitting drinking:
http://howtostopdrinking.org/stopdrinking.html
Thank you fore reply and I will read the site you have provided. I appreciate your kindness.
I feel touched by your story. Thanks for sharing,and being real. I wish you all the best.
AA, NA and other "A" groups were helpful for me. My addiction now is to exercise and eating healthy. Still could use an escape but it's not worth it. Many in my family have suffered severely for not quitting. take care
Ty.