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RE: Hard night but I ain't got no memory of it.
I honestly learned nothing. I wish I could say I did but I will get smashed again tonight. I am self medicating and it's a losing battle. I am using alcohol to cope with severe depression, PSTD, and anxiety/agoraphobia. This would be a wake up call to some but considering that a week ago I tried to hang myself, not so much for me. I am not actively trying to die and that's all I can grasp for at the moment.
I sometimes try to see things the other way. I agree, people self-medicate. I would agree not actively trying to die, but actively punishing yourself maybe?
My brother is going through the same thing. Heavy heavy drinking and has completely pulled back. It is unfortunate. I tend to wonder how much of the behavior (drinking to this point) is a way of not dealing with the problems.
I have never been a drinker.... I just don't care for it. I have still often sought things to escape in my life. Gambling was a huge one for me. Didn't matter how much I won, I wasn't leaving until the money I couldn't afford to lose, was lost. It was my way of punishing myself, because I hated myself. It gave me a real right here, right now problem that needed dealing with and kept the focus off of healing.
Healing for me meant a pretty severe depression without the actions to distract from it. It involved a realization that forgiveness, for me had to mean not so much actually being cool with the parties forgiven, but releasing myself from the effect it had on me.
It wasn't easy, it's still not. I have loved your work and your soul. I don't know what more to say.... but I understand to a degree what you are dealing with.
In a way that has nothing to do with a religion or organization.... you are in my prayers and thoughts.
Thank you.
I think I do very much face my issues head on and have had long periods of sobriety.
For me the current issue is my PTSD. I have constant flash backs of abuse and panic attacks and I think that is what has lead me to the drink. So, I guess it is not wanting to face that stuff. It is really fucking hard to face....
Thank you, I am glad my work has touched you. I can at least touch a few people before taking my self out with recklessness.
In all seriousness, I am definitely worried about myself right now. With the near successful attempt on my life recently and now this...
I am just clearly not doing it right. ( ._.) (If "doing" is to mean "living")
I went to a boarding school where this fat little 15 year old (me) was told he had to participate in a 40 mile snowshoe race. I am going to tell you what I told myself and have kept in my head since.
I can't picture what 40 miles completed looks like. The concept of it is too large, it's too much to think I can do it when I have never done anything like it before. What I can do though, is take one step. Then I can take one more...
I cant reply on your actual comment @clevercross but thanks for the reminder to take the timeless advice of one step at a time. :)
Sorry.... My last post got heated in comments and I was called to defend some stuff.... I don't know what to say, but I do know how to listen. If you ever just need ears instead of eyeballs... Hit me up in chat for details
I think what some people are trying to say is that they're afraid for you, lauralemons. You're dealing with a lot of issues/bad experiences/conditions and based on the pic you posted, things aren't going very well. I know that with clinical depression or anxiety, it's not as simple as saying you want a better, safer life for yourself and then working toward that goal. The fact is often we can't control things in our lives when we're ill ~ physically or emotionally. I'm saying this out of admiration for you and a lot of the things you've written here. You need the strength and guts you've shown in the past, to actively accept that you need professional help. Then you need to go get it. If you don't, this could end very badly, and none of us want to see that happen. Good luck. Don't give up. You are an amazing person and can have a more peaceful yet exciting life if you get the help you need. Hugs.
I very much plan to get professional help. It was one of the best factors in moving to a place with expanded medicaid. I have never, ever been under the impression that I can get better entirely on my own, I just couldn't afford help before. I was often times homeless even. But yes, I do need help, professional help, and agree with all that you said. Thank you.
I'm really happy to hear that. I was in a bleak position at one point in my life. Not as bad and complicated as the issues you're facing. But it was scary for me. I was fortunate to get some professional help. It took a while, but even when I was in therapy hashing things out, I relaxed a little because I had hope. It turned things around for me. I'm not sure where I'd be if I hadn't gotten the help.