Hard night but I ain't got no memory of it.
Went to the bar last night, woke up with no memory and a battered face.
We are pretty sure I had a fight with the pavement.
PSA - I don't think this situation or my behavior is cute or amusing. I think it is a scary sign of depression, alcoholism, and self-destructive behavior. Did I enjoy taking photos of the aftermath? Yes. I enjoy taking photos and it's no secret that I find beauty in the dark/depressing/macabre aspects of life. This does not mean I endorse my behavior.
Right? That's what I'm saying.
4 dollars and 31 cents
Why don't you try to find another way to make fun? It's not that easy though. If it happens many times, your life is too dangerous. I can't say anything more because I don't know about your whole life. I just worry you. When I met your post before, I thought you are talented with warm heart. Let's take care of ourselves! See ya.
A case of I don't remember so I didn't learn? We shall see....
I am kidding of course. I just had many mornings where the "never again" turned out to be... less than true. You seem a little more introspective into it than I ever was, so that's a great thing.
I honestly learned nothing. I wish I could say I did but I will get smashed again tonight. I am self medicating and it's a losing battle. I am using alcohol to cope with severe depression, PSTD, and anxiety/agoraphobia. This would be a wake up call to some but considering that a week ago I tried to hang myself, not so much for me. I am not actively trying to die and that's all I can grasp for at the moment.
I sometimes try to see things the other way. I agree, people self-medicate. I would agree not actively trying to die, but actively punishing yourself maybe?
My brother is going through the same thing. Heavy heavy drinking and has completely pulled back. It is unfortunate. I tend to wonder how much of the behavior (drinking to this point) is a way of not dealing with the problems.
I have never been a drinker.... I just don't care for it. I have still often sought things to escape in my life. Gambling was a huge one for me. Didn't matter how much I won, I wasn't leaving until the money I couldn't afford to lose, was lost. It was my way of punishing myself, because I hated myself. It gave me a real right here, right now problem that needed dealing with and kept the focus off of healing.
Healing for me meant a pretty severe depression without the actions to distract from it. It involved a realization that forgiveness, for me had to mean not so much actually being cool with the parties forgiven, but releasing myself from the effect it had on me.
It wasn't easy, it's still not. I have loved your work and your soul. I don't know what more to say.... but I understand to a degree what you are dealing with.
In a way that has nothing to do with a religion or organization.... you are in my prayers and thoughts.
Thank you.
I think I do very much face my issues head on and have had long periods of sobriety.
For me the current issue is my PTSD. I have constant flash backs of abuse and panic attacks and I think that is what has lead me to the drink. So, I guess it is not wanting to face that stuff. It is really fucking hard to face....
Thank you, I am glad my work has touched you. I can at least touch a few people before taking my self out with recklessness.
In all seriousness, I am definitely worried about myself right now. With the near successful attempt on my life recently and now this...
I am just clearly not doing it right. ( ._.) (If "doing" is to mean "living")
I went to a boarding school where this fat little 15 year old (me) was told he had to participate in a 40 mile snowshoe race. I am going to tell you what I told myself and have kept in my head since.
I can't picture what 40 miles completed looks like. The concept of it is too large, it's too much to think I can do it when I have never done anything like it before. What I can do though, is take one step. Then I can take one more...
I cant reply on your actual comment @clevercross but thanks for the reminder to take the timeless advice of one step at a time. :)
Sorry.... My last post got heated in comments and I was called to defend some stuff.... I don't know what to say, but I do know how to listen. If you ever just need ears instead of eyeballs... Hit me up in chat for details
I think what some people are trying to say is that they're afraid for you, lauralemons. You're dealing with a lot of issues/bad experiences/conditions and based on the pic you posted, things aren't going very well. I know that with clinical depression or anxiety, it's not as simple as saying you want a better, safer life for yourself and then working toward that goal. The fact is often we can't control things in our lives when we're ill ~ physically or emotionally. I'm saying this out of admiration for you and a lot of the things you've written here. You need the strength and guts you've shown in the past, to actively accept that you need professional help. Then you need to go get it. If you don't, this could end very badly, and none of us want to see that happen. Good luck. Don't give up. You are an amazing person and can have a more peaceful yet exciting life if you get the help you need. Hugs.
I very much plan to get professional help. It was one of the best factors in moving to a place with expanded medicaid. I have never, ever been under the impression that I can get better entirely on my own, I just couldn't afford help before. I was often times homeless even. But yes, I do need help, professional help, and agree with all that you said. Thank you.
I'm really happy to hear that. I was in a bleak position at one point in my life. Not as bad and complicated as the issues you're facing. But it was scary for me. I was fortunate to get some professional help. It took a while, but even when I was in therapy hashing things out, I relaxed a little because I had hope. It turned things around for me. I'm not sure where I'd be if I hadn't gotten the help.
rock n roll
I think you have reached a lot of people in your time on steemit.. I mean your writting and your photographs have been appreciated.. I for one consider you a very interesting person even tho I have never meet you.
What I am trying to say with all these, is that you are worth a lot and it would be a shame to see you go.
Wish you the best!
jc
Thank you. I don't plan to "go" just yet. I am not sure I won't be reckless either though, unfortunately.
I hope I have reached some people and hope to reach many more. I will not stop creating as long as I live.
Thanks a lot. <3
I hate to sound like a hallmark card... but every day is a new day. You are fighting a disease, but you can keep fighting. And you don't have to do it alone.
care 0% for your respect, buddy.
what about self respect? That is good you don't care what I think. I wish you would care more about yourself. I hope things get better for you.
I love this. Both sides of the conversation.
@lauralemons I can't speak for anyone but myself.
Scars heal, but they take time. When they do they still leave a mark.
The mark is there to remind us not to do that again.
The mark is part of us forever, but it never becomes us, unless we allow it.
You have a beautiful face, and a beautiful soul. I consider you a friend and I just wish you would treat my friend @lauralemons with more respect. Help her to find a more productive outlet to cope with all she needs to cope with so she can heal and then help others.
p.s. Even @earnest is trying to tell you to be nicer to yourself. Think about that for a minute.
@earnest has been back and forth wishy-washy with his comments since day 1. Any niceness he is showing at surface-level is meaningless. He will go from being "nice" to telling me to open my asshole for his cock or to kill myself. Nothing new.
I do agree I need to be nicer to myself, that is obvious from the aftermath of last night.
Thank you, and I will try to be nicer to myself. :)
I shared this because I think they are cool photos in spite of the events that made them take place.
Well I hope you get out of your self destructive faze. It is not an easy thing to get out of when you have people supporting it. :/
hope you heal up quick.
here is another person reporting on his day, maby check it out? he is new but I think his story might help you. he is going through more then most people could handle. its kind of amazing to me.
https://steemit.com/one-day/@onemyday/a-day-of-a-psycho-hello-steem-my-name-is-vitaliy-i-m-30-years-old-and-i-am-a-psycho-featuring-vitaliy-lobanov-as-author
sorry I come off as a prick.
new deck needed, not this deck, another deck,
oh wait, you run out of victim card decks????
Good for you, now you're gonna have to produce actual content
I am posting about my life. This is a thing that happened in my life. I post many things that happen in my life. I am not "seeking" anything from posting them, just communicating events that took place. I don't feel I lost any respect by posting this. I am transparent, raw, and honest. An open book. And I will continue being so. You have the right to your opinion, I just choose to disagree.
Laura, you say Im " wishy-washy with his comments"
back and forth, well let me tell you something
a lot of the people that comment here are just saying the same thing I've telling you for months,
just in a more polite way, so as to have some plausible deniability.
Me on the other hand, give you my unfiltered, raw opinion,
which is the way you like it, right? Which is the way you are, right? Raw, unfiltered.
Why can you be raw and unfiltered but not me?
Think about it babe, think about it fam.
I wasn't being literal when I told you to bash your skull against a wall Laura.
Anyway, you got my attention now ....
Without adventures is it impossible to live does not it?
I like a photo, pulled about...
"Troubles tend to find each other,
call it love or you can call it faith"