I sometimes try to see things the other way. I agree, people self-medicate. I would agree not actively trying to die, but actively punishing yourself maybe?

My brother is going through the same thing. Heavy heavy drinking and has completely pulled back. It is unfortunate. I tend to wonder how much of the behavior (drinking to this point) is a way of not dealing with the problems.

I have never been a drinker.... I just don't care for it. I have still often sought things to escape in my life. Gambling was a huge one for me. Didn't matter how much I won, I wasn't leaving until the money I couldn't afford to lose, was lost. It was my way of punishing myself, because I hated myself. It gave me a real right here, right now problem that needed dealing with and kept the focus off of healing.

Healing for me meant a pretty severe depression without the actions to distract from it. It involved a realization that forgiveness, for me had to mean not so much actually being cool with the parties forgiven, but releasing myself from the effect it had on me.

It wasn't easy, it's still not. I have loved your work and your soul. I don't know what more to say.... but I understand to a degree what you are dealing with.

In a way that has nothing to do with a religion or organization.... you are in my prayers and thoughts.